[ilovehimsosomuchjk]

And perhaps i feed myself too much. Too much negativity. Too many worries. Too much criticism. How do i grow if i water myself with all the wrong things?

I miss me. who was i before all this? who was i?

[ilovehimsosomuchjk]

for the most part ive been impeccably brave, i just dont know why i find myself lonely here. So desolate. so alone.

[ilovehimsosomuchjk]

It is not like i fear rejection at most i only fear the image you may have made of me in your mind. I only fear it because i hold you in such high regards youre on a pedestal you never approved of. And i think again, oh how if you knew you would think kiske saath phass gaya. And i think i think i think i think.

and i think.

an then i go insane.

[ilovehimsosomuchjk]

I call myself a fat ass not because i look like one but because i consume like one. Perhaps its one of my younger sibling tendencies that rise within me at the prospect of feelings. I feed myself questions and i feed myself answers. I feed myself logic and i feed myself the truth and yet when i lay down, i am empty. Despite feeding myself certainty I remain uncertain. I question if its genetic or have I consumed it from media not fit for my age. I consume and I eat and I never get full. The fullness bubbles out of me in hysterical tears that only grow my stomach emptier, perhaps my heart too. I feed myself honesty but its so tiring to feed myself on scavenged bits, where I’ve fought for parts I’ve known with uncertainity andlong for the parts that I’ll never know, with certainty.

I feed and I tire. Its a cycle i think im bestowed with and there’s nothing remotely functioning about it.

[ilovehimsosomuchjk]

There is some deeper part of me that aches. I feed it reasons, i feed it logic and i feed it the truth. But it seems very futile. Not every truth is strong enough to overpower emotions you cant name. Its not attachment, maybe a lie i feed myself. It is something, perhaps akin to attraction installed from admiration. To me, the deepest form of attraction is admiration. And as it serves me, i shouldnt give it away so lightly. Its often not a problem because i hardly mind if its not reciprocated. Yet it aches.

[ilovehimsosomuchjk]

there is a popular narrative, curiosity killed the cat.

and i think people stick around with it. Ignorance is bliss aur apna sukoon kaun khona chahta hai? There is beauty in simply admiring the tree. Uske neeche betho, usko chu lo aur phir? Chale aao. Sabke andar yeh curiosity ka keeda nahi hota. meri aise logo ke saath banti bhi nahi hai. kya matlab tumko yeh nahi jaan na ki tumko jisne itni chaya di, usko kya mila isse? Usne tumhare bhale ke liye kiya kya yeh?

there is bliss and therefore there is ignorance. Agar pata chal jata ki nahi bhai photosynthesis karni thi toh tumhara bhi dil tut jata.

but i think its very wrong to hold no curiosity. there is some deeper pleasure in seeing this in a different perspective. To be so self fulfilled you provide for others more, if not less. To be so silently alone you crave for company.

Fir vohi baat aagayi, tum yeh bologe ki ped ne terko bataya yeh sab?

nahi, voh kyu batayega. Yeh pata tab chala jab tum uth ke chale gaye the.

curiosity did kill the cat, but satisfaction brought it back.

[ilovehimsosomuchjk]

You’re right in every way but you’re not right for me.

[ilovehimsosomuchjk]

Pristine white pages that never tasted my ink speak of you in cursive like a melody sung in your beloved name.

[ilovehimsosomuchjk]

There’s no one to peel the pomegranate and I’ve seem to forgotten the very act of feeding myself allowance.

[ilovehimsosomuchjk]

Some thoughts, some emotions and some feelings you smell in the air before they ever truly touch you.

[ilovehimsosomuchjk]

I’m a fool, why are you being wise?

[ilovehimsosomuchjk]

It is home and we stay at home through misery and joy for both are fleeting.

[ilovehimsosomuchjk]

the invisible burden of writing your thoughts down comes with the price of always being misunderstood.

[ilovehimsosomuchjk]

Eggs and tomatoes are a combo i refuse to eat for a long time from now on. Last time i added mozarella in it i met god. And im agnostic.

[ilovehimsosomuchjk]

I’ve developed a new disorder. It’s called chronic cough that fills in my laughter.

[ilovehimsosomuchjk]

Sometimes basking in the sun feels a lot like being baked into something concrete. Like my thoughts and actions are solidifying. Its easier to mold the clay thats still wet. I havent baked enough in the sun and I dont think there’s enough time to.

[ilovehimsosomuchjk]

and why do you live so vicariously if you never dreamed to live at all?