loovie 𔓘

[iluvthisy]

growing up is finally understanding why my dad’s an alcoholic because wdym i’m constantly thinking about offing myself???

[wordx]

I miss the version of us that stayed up talking about nothing and everything. When your name on my screen felt like home.

[dumblr]

To whom do I owe the biggest apology?

No one's been crueler than I've been to me.

[lunamonchtuna]

to be seen without performing. to be heard without screaming. to be missed without disappearing. to be enough without proving it. to be held without falling apart. to be understood without explaining. to be wanted without conditions. to be. to be.

[iluvthisy]

hell is living anyway

[silentprose]

The devil couldn’t reach me, so he made me watch my favorite person give up on me.

[iluvthisy]

i wonder how it feels like to have the will to live

[rosavelle]

I have lost something inside me which i cant find anymore.

[mournfulroses]

Martha Gellhorn, from a letter to David Gurewitsch featured in The Selected Letters of Martha Gellhorn

[iluvthisy]

disgust or jealousy

i wish people know how good they have it. i wish they appreciate having a mom around that cooks for them. i wish they know how lucky it is to have a dad that worked all their life to raise them. i wish they’re aware how great it is to have loving parents.

i wish people are grateful to be able to help their parents when they’re sick and old. i wish they’re happy to have the chance to give back. i wish they cherish every moment they get before they say goodbye forever.

most of all, i wish i, too, was left wondering.

[iluvthisy]

Went through old photos today and cannot believe I thought I was pretty. Will I ever be?

[iluvthisy]

cursing you for the longest time

who am i if not perceived? dressed up, painted lips good hair day, shaved legs all that work just to be unnoticed

so i put myself out there more eyes, more chances of being praised more likes, more chances of me liking myself but more people won't equal you

you who i shouldn't be writing this about you who can't see me anymore and if you can't see me anymore, who am i?

[iluvthisy]

death and pointed fingers

went to a wake today. what do you even say? i'm sorry, your mom died. i'm sorry, she died young. i'm sorry, your dad left you 8 years ago and had the audacity to show up now of all days.

it was the last night and the place was crowded. i tried my best to sympathize but i'm assuming i didn't say anything you haven't heard in the past few days so we just sat there, staring at your mom's framed photo. have you ever thought about how one of your photos in social media will actually be used in one of these?

it was quiet until it wasn't. first, it was your grandmother mourning. second, it was her sister telling her she has no right to do so because she left your mom here to earn money abroad. third, it was everyone telling that sister to shut up. it was quiet again.

i wonder if things would've been as they are now if we just made different choices. would your grandmother leaving for japan somehow be tied to your mother dying of cancer? would my father kicking my brother out of our house somehow cause him to die of a heart attack? would any of my actions eventually lead to someone's demise? even mine?

[iluvthisy]

the good side (letter to mom)

i got the good side of things left you with your messed up husband out of sight, out of mind it was how i lived by

i got the good side of you thankful for this intellect i managed to give myself grace something you never got to give yourself

but i symphatize and i recognize i apologize that i got the good side of things

i got the good side of life got my own house got my own money but there are days i feel empty

i got the good side of new found someone i can call family i know how it looked, it wasn't the plan i just know you'll never understand

i symphatize and i recognize i apologize that i got the good side of things

i'm sure we'll try to pretend everything's fine you'll tell me you're doing great i'll say me too and that'll be the end of it i wish it's true, even just for you

i symphatize and i recognize i apologize that i got the good side of things

~

note: used troye sivan's song to help me write this

[iluvthisy]

nothing matters

i used to think hating mondays was too overrated. i used to think people will just complain about anything. i used to think it's not too bad. but i get it now because it is.

sure, let me work on this canva document while there's a war on the other side of the planet. sure, this file is urgent while hospitals somewhere are being bombed and newly-started lives ended with them. sure, let's jump on a meeting while people aren't being treated as people anymore.

i've tried to stay inside my bubble for a while now but there are days it pops. i cannot understand how all of this is happening in this day and age. i try to find meaning in my everyday life but it's hard when my barely surviving is a privilege.

mondays represent the start of the meaningless rhythm we're all chained to. am i doing something important? am i helping? am i being a purposeful human being? no. it's fine. nothing matters.