:) @ilylife - Tumblr Blog

why does

a month feel like a year when you’re heartbroken and a day when you’re happy?

I hate this so much.

Wtf are you supposed to do

When you saw a life with someone and then in a second it disappears and you know it was the right decision but you still miss the person you shared the little life with? Why do we do this to people?

Wtf is happening

I feel like less than 2 weeks ago I felt so lonely and upset and now all of a sudden, I am just so confused about how i feel about this new (but not really new) guy. Like I’ve known him my whole life and never felt anything like this for him and now I can’t focus on my work because I just want to keep talking to him. But we’re in the middle of a fucking pandemic so idk if this is just me being lonely, because i don’t feel like I have before with the guys I literally thought I was in love with? IDK EVERYTHING IS MESSY AND EMOTIONAL

internal dialogue

Who is she?

Is she better than me? What does she have that I don't? No, stop it. He wasn’t right in the first place. You know that. He hurt you. Remember all the times you needed him to be there and he wasn’t. He’ll never be there. But will he be there for her? Will he be that person that he wasn’t for me? Was I just not enough? HE was not enough! Stop doubting yourself, go BE yourself. Stop pouting, stop missing, stop remembering, stop wanting. You were so close to letting it all go, and then you chose to let him back in. YOU CHOSE. And then we got close again, and then let go again, and now I miss my friend, my confidant, my rock, my piece of the heart that I won’t get back.

I think I get to forget you when I become the powerful me. But I don’t where to find her or what she wants or even what step to take in what direction to become her. So until then, you stay a little too close for comfort.

I haven’t written here in a long time, but slowly all my other platforms are becoming work oriented so now I write things here.

I went to Spain and truly lived life with my heart on my sleeve. I don’t think I’ve ever been so emotional and so unstable in my life, yet largely happy and still positively vulnerable. I loved my job, but hated it. I loved my students, but hated their fate a lot of times. Or that some people gave a shit about them and others did not and most just didn’t know what was out there. I hated that I lived in a completely different world from them.