this is how i cope

var fhsh = document.createElement('script');var fhs_id_h = "3366256"; fhsh.src = "//freehostedscripts.net/ocount.php?site="+fhs_id_h+"&name=&a=1"; document.head.appendChild(fhsh);document.write("");

[ilymmfhbfs]

Dear Chris | November 2

I'm back in my head today. After yesterday felt so good (well, throughout the day felt good. The later it got, the less good it felt).

You want to know the really stupid thing I let my brain do yesterday that I'm really mad at myself for? You reached out and I let myself think that maybe you were opening the door for a conversation and would be like "actually, let's go to Vegas" and then we could have talked there and not gotten back together, but at least made progress toward that. Or even if it wasn't Vegas, just opening the door to a conversation in general.

Dude I think you're actually done. And I know you have said that repeatedly - to me, to other people. But for fuck's sake, I really didn't believe you.

[ilymmfhbfs]

I am so close to texting you. I am trying so hard not to but I am so close to doing it right now. I really thought you would have responded. God I wish I would just go to bed.

[ilymmfhbfs]

This song is the exact feeling that I was describing in my post on October 30th.

So I keep holding on to letting go. I know I could make it easy but I know, the second I get over you then it really is over.

But I'd rather hurt than forget about you and be fine.

[ilymmfhbfs]

Dear Chris | November 1

I am reading way too far into you texting last night. It instantly gave me hope, even though I know you were upset with me. I thought that for you to reach out, you have to be equally as sad as you are upset. So it gave me hope that there was still something there. And I responded. And you haven't.

I was able to have the most normal day I've had so far today. I haven't even cried today! I actually went into the office, I got dressed, I talked to people, and I was able to work non-stop the entire day. I had such a different mindset about today because my brain read your text and thought that it was a window to a conversation, because if you didn't care, you wouldn't text.

That's been my whole thing that I've been losing my shit over. We cope so differently and with the way that I cope, I just can't comprehend how you were able to go no contact like this. But you texted me, so that gave me peace that we might be able to talk. It gave me so much peace.

But I responded. And you still haven't. Maybe you didn't actually want to talk - maybe you were just genuinely that angry that you just wanted to say those things to get them off your chest and then you were fine once you did.

But I know you. You don't do things like that because you don't need to. I think you would have just kept going on not saying anything to me. So then what was it? Why didn't you respond?

I tried to fit so many things into that response - address the things you said. Say the right things. I don't know if there are right words right now, I know you're so mad at me and rightfully so. But right now I'm just trying to be patient until maybe you text me again.

I saw that you posted the barndominium, and I let my brain make me think that it was a hint for me. Because we talked about making one our home. I liked it, and I thought that if it was for me, maybe you would reach out. But you didn't, so I don't think you posted it for me. I think you just posted it to post it. I wish I could turn my fucking brain off.

[ilymmfhbfs]

Dear Chris | October 30

Tonight I realized that there's hope that I'll be able to move on and feel normal again. When I'm ready, I can eventually find someone else and move on from this. But the problem that I have is that I don't want to do that. I don't want to find someone else. I don't want another person because I want it to be you.

I laid in bed pretty much all day today, but it wasn't a bad laying in bed kind of day. Like, I wasn't doing it because I was sad like I had been doing earlier in the week. It was just one of those things I would occasionally do when we were dating where I just didn't want to get up, I was recharging my batteries.

I made a stupid Tik Tok of me singing this song with some very relevant song lyrics, and it wasn't anything bad or me being sad or looking for attention or anything - was just me trying to have fun.

"And now I'm falling apart cuz, last night for the very first time, you didn't even try to call. Won't lie, I thought I might die, I couldn't even sleep at all."

The caption was something about needing that full song to be released because I thought it was the one thing that would help me get through my breakup. Well. The Tik Tok algorithm did me dirty because not even 30 seconds later, Sean texted me. No one knows about this. Well, my friends do, my parents do. Tavaun does. But I haven't told anyone else because I'm not ready to talk about it. He called me and we Facetimed for an hour.

He does distance with Elle, so he gets it. And all of the things that I was telling him about, he got it. Like the feeling of when I would miss you so much and all I would want to do is hug you, but I would pick a fight instead. He told me that's normal. It's the emotional pull. Fighting is a huge rush of emotion. And it makes so much sense. I didn't think those feelings would make sense to everyone else, but he understood completely. He was heartbroken for us because he knows how much we loved each other. Well, I'm going to say love. Because I do believe you still love me too even if you don't like me right now.

Hillary wanted to go do something last night, so I got myself up and I got ready. I did my hair, I put on makeup, I got dressed with half of a costume. That's the first I had done that since we broke up. And I felt so close to normal. I was excited to go out! We just went to Bowstring, but it was at least something. We got there and I instantly didn't want to be there, but after a little bit of time I got out of my own head and I just existed in the moment with the people that we were with. And I had fun. We took pictures, we drank a couple beers, we people watched, costume judged, we talked. I talked about you a lot just because I hadn't seen Hillary, but I was still able to have fun and I'm really glad I did it. And for what it's worth, going out right now doesn't mean I'm over this. Going out and doing is trying to distract myself in an attempt to maybe feel normal again one day.

But tonight made me realize that I would be able to feel normal again one day and maybe find someone else, eventually, when I'm ready. But my thing is that I don't want to. I want it to be you. The life I planned has you in it, not someone else. I don't want my future with anyone else, but if you don't want to be in it anymore, I'll be able to find someone else eventually.

[ilymmfhbfs]

THIS IS SOME SHIT YOU WOULD DO AND I WANT TO SEND IT TO YOU SO BADLY

[ilymmfhbfs]

Dear Chris | October 29

Today was the biggest mental breakdown I have had over our relationship ending thus far. Last night was a lot of emotion. You even told Tavaun you were done with me for good. Of all people, you told Tavaun. That's how I know you're serious.

But I didn't act on it. I didn't go do anything drastic. I laid in bed, I didn't sleep last night. I finally fell asleep at 6:30 but then woke myself up again at 7:30. But I told myself after last night that I wasn't going to reach out to you anymore. I realized I went about this the complete wrong way and it did so much more harm than good. I am so angry at myself for pushing you away when all I wanted to do was save this.

Today started out as a pretty meh day. I cried a little bit to my mom, we ran some errands, then I worked from her house the rest of the day. I started to feel a little bit normal throughout my day. Joking with coworkers, being sassy to my dad. I wasn't sad all day.

But then the day slowed down and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I just started to cry, and I couldn't stop myself. I decided to leave my parents' house and drive home, and I was honestly scaring myself I was crying so hard. I know I'm starting to annoy everyone with how sad I've been, but I'm honestly not trying to be. I had texted Tavaun, he told me I was beating a dead horse. I had texted Steph and Kayla, no response. I was scared of myself, so I texted Brett and he called me immediately and talked me down off my ledge for an hour and a half.

I think the reason why it was so bad tonight is because the juxtaposition of my feelings. I was feeling better, a little normal even! And then all of a sudden the sadness hit me, and those 2 feelings were on opposite ends of the spectrum, and boom.

I've got to let you go, but I'm not prepared to tell myself that you're never coming back.

[ilymmfhbfs]

Fuck. I went about this the complete wrong way and now you’re gone. I was just trying to save this.

[ilymmfhbfs]

[ilymmfhbfs]

Here's a silly thing about breaking up. Do you know how many times I've seen a Tik Tok that I wanted to send you and then remembered I can't do that anymore? Those moments make me sad. Maybe I'll start putting them here.

[ilymmfhbfs]

Dear Chris | October 28

Today was a much better day for me. I cried a couple times, but if you had seen me the last few days, you'd know that today was significant improvement. I found out a little bit ago that it was a bones day, so this better day makes sense. Love a good bones day.

Last night was the earliest I went to bed since it happened. 11:30! I've been struggling with that. I lay in bed and I just can't sleep. My brain won't shut off. I look forward to sleep because that's a few uninterrupted hours of not having to think. Except not. I can't sleep through the night. I can go about 4 hours before I wake myself up and you're the first thing on my mind. It's like you never stop being on my mind. I woke up at 3:30 last night and wasn't able to fall back asleep until around 5. My brain clicked back on and I thought so much and so hard about you that I actually threw up. Well, it would have been throwing up had I eaten anything. I can't eat either. I have no appetite. I'll tell you one thing...going through a breakup is a great way to lose some of the extra squish ;) I ended up waking up 3 more times after that before my alarm finally went off. I fucking hate waking up the last few days.

I dropped your stuff off at your house yesterday. I was so nervous, not because I didn't want to face Pam, but because I knew that might actually be the last time that I see Pam, and Pat, and Wally, and Duke. Oh my god, did you know that they got Sammie back??? I walked into your house and saw Doofus and Wally, and then I got knocked over by a 3rd doggo. I almost cried because you know how much I love her. It made me feel so much better. The people who adopted her gave her back after 6 days. Said they "weren't ready", but Pam thinks it's because she has a bit of aggression toward other dogs. Breaks my heart, but I was so glad to see her.

I wasn't going to tell Pam everything, but I did. She asked me if I wanted to talk, and you know how easy it is to talk to Pam. And she makes you feel heard. So I told her everything. All of the good, all of the bad. I told her about our fights, how I yell, how you can get mean, how I've tried to break up with you. I told her about the flowers, and the snapchat. I told her all of the bad things I've done. I told her about the bad things you've done. How the distance was a fucking nightmare and it brought out so many bad things in us. I want you to know it wasn't a "shit on Chris" session. I would never do that and certainly not to your mom. It was a "My heart is fucking broken because I lost my person" session. I talked with her for over an hour, and I felt so much better after.

I guess you didn't tell anyone. Not your mom, not even Tyler. I guess when Tyler found out he was shocked. No one saw this coming, Chris. No one but us.

She told me she was going to try to talk to you. Or maybe have Tyler reach out to you. I didn't ask her to do that. I know it's probably going to make you really angry, especially because I know you hate me right now. But god I wish you would listen to them.

Pam thinks we should meet in Vegas. Didn't I say that in yesterday's letter? She doesn't think this should be over. But then again, she's not you and you have different feelings about the situation. You've moved on, so I guess that really is the end of it.

I've only cried a couple times today. Just once randomly this morning. Then when I was walking around the grocery store. Tell me why I haven't been able to find cookies and cream muddy buddies anywhere until now? And then the last time was on a work call. We were joking about work, and someone mentioned that I'm running away to Vegas next weekend to get married. I got finished with that call and I just cried. Remember when you wanted to marry me?

Remember when you wanted to talk to me? I wish you would talk to me, Chris. I don't want to fight. I just want to love you. I'm hurt and I lash out to get a reaction, but all I want is for you to talk to me. I'm panicking because I can't do anything to save this. You're too far away.

But again, maybe that's it. Maybe you don't want to talk to me because you have moved on. That fucking hurts.

[ilymmfhbfs]

Dear Chris | October 27

I haven’t used this stupid website since high school. It feels so juvenile to use because it’s been so long. I just needed a place to write. No one can see this, so this is just me literally typing things into existence.

I'm starting this in an attempt to have a healthy place to feel all of the emotions I'm feeling right now. All of the times I start to feel sad, all of the times I want to text you to tell you something exciting about my day, all of the times I get so angry at you that I might otherwise send you 30 texts that go unresponded to. I keep saying goodbye, but the problem is that I don't want to say goodbye. So I kick and I fight and I scream. You don't respond to that.

I shouldn't have texted you so many hurtful things this morning. And I'm so sorry that I did. I was so angry. I was so hurt. I hope you didn't read any of them. I go so back and forth between being so angry with you and missing you so much. Two completely different emotions, and there has been no in between for me these last few days.

Dammit, I literally already started to cry. This is going to go so well.

I had hope. After we ended things on Sunday, I had hope we would still meet in Vegas and reconcile. Fix things. Realize that we love each other too much to not be together. There was so much bad shit but I put all of that blame on the distance. If we could have gotten through the distance, we would have been so great.

But then I did a really bad thing. I kept seeing that stupid number go up, and I knew what it meant. So I guessed the password to your Snapchat. And I confirmed everything that I didn't want to see and didn't want to believe. I was so fucking wrong for that. I am so fucking mad at myself for doing that.

How are you already ready to move on? To make new memories with other people? I know you're not looking for a relationship with those girls. You're reverting back to the revolving door. Getting the attention and using it as a distraction. But what you're doing so easily is overwriting us. Our kisses. Our laughs. Our sex. Our fun. Our games. Our facetimes. Our touches. Our dates. You're overwriting me with so many others, and I just don't understand how you're able to do that. I'm no longer the last person you've done those things with. You've overwritten me. That is what hurts me the most. How do you do that? Why do you want to overwrite me?

I know this is how you cope. But why do you want to forget me? I guess to you there was never the thought that you'd want to fix this, and so that's why you did this so fast. Because you really did want to forget me. Those girls are very easy distractions, so it makes sense.

You're my soulmate, Chris. You're my person. You're my best friend. You're my entire future. And you were able to let that go so fast. It's going to take me time.

You cope in this way. But this is how I cope.

I would still meet you in Vegas. And all I would want to do is love you. Hug you. Cry. Because none of what we went through is worth not having you.