Today was a much better day for me. I cried a couple times, but if you had seen me the last few days, you'd know that today was significant improvement. I found out a little bit ago that it was a bones day, so this better day makes sense. Love a good bones day.
Last night was the earliest I went to bed since it happened. 11:30! I've been struggling with that. I lay in bed and I just can't sleep. My brain won't shut off. I look forward to sleep because that's a few uninterrupted hours of not having to think. Except not. I can't sleep through the night. I can go about 4 hours before I wake myself up and you're the first thing on my mind. It's like you never stop being on my mind. I woke up at 3:30 last night and wasn't able to fall back asleep until around 5. My brain clicked back on and I thought so much and so hard about you that I actually threw up. Well, it would have been throwing up had I eaten anything. I can't eat either. I have no appetite. I'll tell you one thing...going through a breakup is a great way to lose some of the extra squish ;) I ended up waking up 3 more times after that before my alarm finally went off. I fucking hate waking up the last few days.
I dropped your stuff off at your house yesterday. I was so nervous, not because I didn't want to face Pam, but because I knew that might actually be the last time that I see Pam, and Pat, and Wally, and Duke. Oh my god, did you know that they got Sammie back??? I walked into your house and saw Doofus and Wally, and then I got knocked over by a 3rd doggo. I almost cried because you know how much I love her. It made me feel so much better. The people who adopted her gave her back after 6 days. Said they "weren't ready", but Pam thinks it's because she has a bit of aggression toward other dogs. Breaks my heart, but I was so glad to see her.
I wasn't going to tell Pam everything, but I did. She asked me if I wanted to talk, and you know how easy it is to talk to Pam. And she makes you feel heard. So I told her everything. All of the good, all of the bad. I told her about our fights, how I yell, how you can get mean, how I've tried to break up with you. I told her about the flowers, and the snapchat. I told her all of the bad things I've done. I told her about the bad things you've done. How the distance was a fucking nightmare and it brought out so many bad things in us. I want you to know it wasn't a "shit on Chris" session. I would never do that and certainly not to your mom. It was a "My heart is fucking broken because I lost my person" session. I talked with her for over an hour, and I felt so much better after.
I guess you didn't tell anyone. Not your mom, not even Tyler. I guess when Tyler found out he was shocked. No one saw this coming, Chris. No one but us.
She told me she was going to try to talk to you. Or maybe have Tyler reach out to you. I didn't ask her to do that. I know it's probably going to make you really angry, especially because I know you hate me right now. But god I wish you would listen to them.
Pam thinks we should meet in Vegas. Didn't I say that in yesterday's letter? She doesn't think this should be over. But then again, she's not you and you have different feelings about the situation. You've moved on, so I guess that really is the end of it.
I've only cried a couple times today. Just once randomly this morning. Then when I was walking around the grocery store. Tell me why I haven't been able to find cookies and cream muddy buddies anywhere until now? And then the last time was on a work call. We were joking about work, and someone mentioned that I'm running away to Vegas next weekend to get married. I got finished with that call and I just cried. Remember when you wanted to marry me?
Remember when you wanted to talk to me? I wish you would talk to me, Chris. I don't want to fight. I just want to love you. I'm hurt and I lash out to get a reaction, but all I want is for you to talk to me. I'm panicking because I can't do anything to save this. You're too far away.
But again, maybe that's it. Maybe you don't want to talk to me because you have moved on. That fucking hurts.