Dear Chris | October 27
I haven’t used this stupid website since high school. It feels so juvenile to use because it’s been so long. I just needed a place to write. No one can see this, so this is just me literally typing things into existence.
I'm starting this in an attempt to have a healthy place to feel all of the emotions I'm feeling right now. All of the times I start to feel sad, all of the times I want to text you to tell you something exciting about my day, all of the times I get so angry at you that I might otherwise send you 30 texts that go unresponded to. I keep saying goodbye, but the problem is that I don't want to say goodbye. So I kick and I fight and I scream. You don't respond to that.
I shouldn't have texted you so many hurtful things this morning. And I'm so sorry that I did. I was so angry. I was so hurt. I hope you didn't read any of them. I go so back and forth between being so angry with you and missing you so much. Two completely different emotions, and there has been no in between for me these last few days.
Dammit, I literally already started to cry. This is going to go so well.
I had hope. After we ended things on Sunday, I had hope we would still meet in Vegas and reconcile. Fix things. Realize that we love each other too much to not be together. There was so much bad shit but I put all of that blame on the distance. If we could have gotten through the distance, we would have been so great.
But then I did a really bad thing. I kept seeing that stupid number go up, and I knew what it meant. So I guessed the password to your Snapchat. And I confirmed everything that I didn't want to see and didn't want to believe. I was so fucking wrong for that. I am so fucking mad at myself for doing that.
How are you already ready to move on? To make new memories with other people? I know you're not looking for a relationship with those girls. You're reverting back to the revolving door. Getting the attention and using it as a distraction. But what you're doing so easily is overwriting us. Our kisses. Our laughs. Our sex. Our fun. Our games. Our facetimes. Our touches. Our dates. You're overwriting me with so many others, and I just don't understand how you're able to do that. I'm no longer the last person you've done those things with. You've overwritten me. That is what hurts me the most. How do you do that? Why do you want to overwrite me?
I know this is how you cope. But why do you want to forget me? I guess to you there was never the thought that you'd want to fix this, and so that's why you did this so fast. Because you really did want to forget me. Those girls are very easy distractions, so it makes sense.
You're my soulmate, Chris. You're my person. You're my best friend. You're my entire future. And you were able to let that go so fast. It's going to take me time.
You cope in this way. But this is how I cope.
I would still meet you in Vegas. And all I would want to do is love you. Hug you. Cry. Because none of what we went through is worth not having you.
