today i am thinking about my friend Zane D. I met him while at my rehab center in new mexico, i was 20 and he was 19. I went in for a crippling pill addiction and he was there for heroin. we were both so egotistical, we continued doing and trading our drugs at the center. we bonded over self harm, terrible addictive behavior, and planned a special heroin trip for when we got out. maybe it was being locked up together for a month and a half that made us bond so well.
i used to sob to him about all the people that'd hurt and betrayed me so deeply. i felt like he was the only person who'd gone through something worse than me and he could understand. he said when we were both out we could run away to LA or Texas together. He said i was the first person that wasnt a man that he could see himself with. we kissed once and decided we were better off friends.
i used to tell him how smart i thought he was. how even though i wanted to spend time with him doing drugs more than that i wanted to see him succeed. we used to share headphones and an ipod and play the same fucking lana del ray song 100x over. i used to sing under my breath with my eyes closed and he'd watch me. i used to sing and play guitar for him and he'd tell me how much of a super star i was going to be.
it wasnt until the end of our treatment that we made plans to get sober. just to see eachother again. I dont remember how it came to be but one night we snuck out and away from the treatment center. we sat in the Santa Fe desert under shooting stars and he told me he was addicted to a new kind of heroine, and i cant remember if he said the heroine was me, or if it was supposed to be him. whatever the truth is, coming out a hero, recovered and sober, was better than being an addict.
i broke open a bic pen and found a safety pin id snuck in. i tattooed this on the baseline of his neck.
after i left rehab, he didnt. he was sent from center to center, program to program. i relapsed the day i got back from new mexico. i didnt get sober until i turned 23. i dont know if he ever stayed sober.
i came across this picture today and my heart sunk. life is so complex. im working through the shame that comes with being an addict. i feel so deeply wrong that i left him behind. i dont think we could have survived together. I hope that the right things i said stuck with him. i hope that after it all there were redeeming qualities and that even though i contributed to our sicknesses that there was at least something i said to make it better.
sometimes i think about reaching out, but ive only ever known him as an addict, and hes only ever known me as an addict. i wonder if we spoke what would happen, if id cry, if i could speak at all, if he would hate me, or if he'd cry and say he missed me.
regardless of the truth i hope with all my heart that you know Zane D how much i loved you, at your worst, and that i wished i was stronger or smarter to let you know how much i still love you, and i still miss you, and sometimes i think back to how fucking happy i was that someone like you was at the same rehab as me. im so sorry for everything that happened to you. i love you so much. please forgive me
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