WARNING: murdering people. Tampering with physical evidence. Withholding evidence. Destroying evidence. Swearing. Name calling.
DISCLAIMER: This was all a dream. No real person was actually harmed, hurt or killed. No one murdered a human being wearing a Stitch shower cap. IT WAS ALL A DREAM.
I killed her. Fuck, I really killed her. Her body lays on the ground right next to my new shoes - which I’ll never be able to clean up from the blood, I’d have to throw them away.
How did I do that? I can’t really believe I found the nerve to kill someone. Why am I so calm? Why am I not panicking? I should be panicking, right? Oh my God, I’m smiling. I’ve killed someone and I’m… ok with it. Holy shit, I’m a fucking psycho. Look at her, she’s so cute with her throat sliced open! Maybe I should take a souvenir picture. No! I can’t have a picture of a dead body on my phone, I’d get arrested right away and I didn’t wear this cap for nothing.
Yeah, you read it right, I was wearing a Stitch shower cap to avoid losing hair - therefore my DNA - while I was killing this stupid asshole. I would have been hella mad if I ended up being caught because of a fake blonde hair I lost on the crime scene, safety first. Like, everyone would have thought I’m such a stupid blondie if I’d get caught for not wearing the cap. And, by all means, I’m not stupid, I’m just blonde.
I’ve bought a pair of very common shoes at the local fair and paid in cash. There’s no camera at the Thursday fair and surely no POS. I was wearing some disposable gloves I found in our basement. The box of gloves was brand new and I opened it while I was wearing another pair of disposable gloves I saved from the kitchen (the same gloves I used to clean the kitchen counter using household bleach). Bleach erases fingerprints and other kind of evidences, right? That’s why I was wearing a pair of gloves to open the box of gloves and set aside a new pair of gloves for later. No pun intended.
The easiest part of all was convincing the bitch to meet up with me. I didn’t use a phone, because everything you do with a phone can be traced. I wrote a note on a piece of paper (while wearing the same gloves I used to clean the kitchen and I wrote with my left hand, I’m right handed so the calligraphy didn’t look like mine at all) and I left the note on her bicycle seat. She has never been the smartest of her class or, let alone, the smartest of her own family, so she fell for it. Knowing her she thought a boy was asking her on a date. Oh God, she’s such an ignorant bitch. It was literally too easy.
The only bump in the road of my perfect plane was get rid of the body. I’m not an athletic person, in any kind of way, and everyone I know could swear on that. They could even say me and athletic are enemies and we hate each other to death. So yeah, I surely couldn’t lift a lifeless body, could I?
My first thought was leaving the deceased moron right there and ran away - more like walk away, I don’t run either. Thank God the supposed date was at this isolated place, the nearest camera was probably 5 miles away and there was no one around - except some junkies, but they had other things to worry about other than witnessing a murder, right? They might don’t even remember what happened the next morning or think it was just a head trip caused by drugs. So that gave me some time to think of my next move.
Oh, shit. That dumb bitch surely has her phone in her left pocket. I absolutely need to destroy it. She might have shared her live location with her equally stupid best friend and her bestie might wonder why she’s not moving at all, if I wait longer the bff might get suspicious and call the cops. Well, she’s not moving because she’s dead.
I know the bitch like the back of my hand, so I can easily unlock her phone because her code is her birthday. My first thought is replying to some texts she received while I was killing her, so nobody would be worried and ask too many questions. I use one of my earring to take the SIM out and easily break it. The last step is turning off the phone and throw it into the canal. Her friends will think her phone’s battery died and will start worrying tomorrow when her body will lay at the bottom of the canal and the water will have erased every si gel evidence I might have left behind, even tho I’m sure I didn’t leave any.
I’ve just had the best idea ever. I can push her body close to the shore and let the body fall into the canal. I have to fill all her pockets with rocks so the body won’t come back to the surface. If it will ever come back to the surface nobody will be able to connect me to this specific crime.
I’m not that type of person that leaves the house with a purse full of rocks, so I have to find some nearby. There’s literally no one around, so I can leave the dead body unattended while I explore nearby for heavy rocks.
I can find enough rocks to hold the body at the bottom of the canal, hopefully forever. I’ve never understand the laws of physics, but I think the treasure I found will do the job. I really don’t feel like seeking for other rocks - I’m tired. Also, I think she gained weight and - rocks included - I’m pretty sure I can get away with it pretty easily.
I empty her pockets, I really can’t understand why she thought it was a good idea to bring condoms to the date, I mean, don’t get me wrong, it also means my plan actually worked and she really thought she was going to meet up with some random boy, but was it necessary to bring condoms? I thought the guy was the one in charge of brining condoms to a date, right?
Well, it’s her, nothing really makes sense in her life. I feel her pockets with rocks. The next step of my plan is to carefully make her body slide into the water, without touching it with my hands. The level of water seems pretty high tonight because it has been heavily raining since this morning - thank God! Every single trace of blood will be washed away by the rain, and the body slurped by the water. Best day ever to commit a murder!
The freaking sow doesn’t seem to move an inch. The more I push her the less her body gets close to the shore. I might kick her cadaver, it could be kind of therapeutic for me ‘cause I’d be able to blow off the steam I got left. She was a fucking huge pain in the ass for years and killing her didn’t seem to calm me down yet. I still feel hate and resentment towards her and I need to get rid of these feelings as well as her dead body.
I kick her body harder and harder and harder each time. It remind me of that time I kicked a dickhead named Alessandro to the family jewels. That makes me think I could actually go on a little killer spree and kill all the man named Alessandro in my city. Killing wasn’t that hard after all.
The dead body moves of a couple of inches. It’s finally going somewhere. It would take forever to approach the shore, but at least I am improving. I sigh, she nagging me even in her death. I fucking hate this bitch.
I take a running start and kick the body with all the energy I have. I can’t push the cadaver with my hands because I’m afraid a flap of my sleeve will soak some blood and it takes nothing to be arrested and incriminated based on that single evidence. But it takes us somewhere, the dead body officially reached the shore.
I’m almost done. I’m halfway there. I’m about to be freed from that stick in the mud. I can’t wait for it!
Complete focus. I take a few steps back. Penalty kick and… YES, OH, YES!! IT’S A GOAL! The dead body slides into the water. I will always remember the sound of her body being slurped by the water or the memory of seeing the water bringing her deeply into the canal. I feel like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, I weight that would have crushed me and killed me instead.
It’s done. She’s not my problem anymore. She’s dead and - sort of - buried. It was about damn time!
I walk away from the crime scene, I’m definitely smiling a little too much. The umbrella carefully placed over my head keeps me from getting wet. It seems like I’m leaving in a novel, the rain poured heavily the whole day, but stopped while I murdered the person I hated most in the whole world. And, fun fact, it started raining again after the water welcomed her dead body to the bottom of the canal.
I haven’t been this happy since the day I met my idol at CD-signing back when I was fourteen. The after-crime adrenaline was so addictive and, to be completely honest, I’d do it all over again. Oh shit, I now understand Ted Bundy’s obsession with killing people: it’s so fucking addictive!
Goodnight, forever, you ugly whore.
Hi guys! As you might already know: english isn’t my first language. But I really wanted to do something special for you all and translate this chapter I wrote for my DreamLand - One Shot Collection. Yeah, I really had this dream. It made me feel like “a weight had been lifted off my shoulders” and I could say goodbye to the grudge I was holding. It was kinda therapeutic to me to be fair. The next one’s gonna be funnier, I can’t wait to post it 🫶🏻
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