Dos: angst, fluff, horror/daker topics, (i do not mind writing about mental health topics. Warnings will be put before the fic and depending on topic might take a little longer to come out. I want to be as careful with these topics as one can be)
Don'ts: smut (sorry guys just not comfortable), real person fanfics, male reader, (maybe more to come can’t think of anymore as of right now).
Characters I write for
All of the yellowjackets characters! (mainly teen but I am willing to dabble into the adult timeline)! I might go into other shows/movies if I have seen them. This would be upon request, though.
If someone sends in a request please know it is always appreciated and I will work as fast as I can to get the request out. I am also open to just chatting. Writing critique is always welcomed; I just ask that it is done in a respectful way.
summary: at the yellowjackets new years party you and your best friend Nat let lingering feelings surface
An: I hope everyone has had a happy holidays. Can't wait to see what happens next year! As always constructive criticism is welcomed and request are welcomed aswell.
Lottie always had a knack for throwing parties; it was probably because of her wealthy family and large house. That made Lottie’s house the prime target for the annual Yellowjackets’ New Year’s party. It wasn’t really a yearly thing; it was more of something Jackie forced everyone to do. She claimed it was all in the name of team bonding, but she probably had some secondary motive.
You had attended the party with Nat, as you did for most parties. You never minded tagging along; it was better than Nat being with someone like Kevyn. You also enjoyed Nat’s company, so when she practically begged you to come, you couldn’t say no. All Nat had to do was throw a sweet “please” or a playful “don’t be boring,” and you were ready to go. Tonight was no different, but somehow, in between talking with Van and getting something to drink, Nat slipped from your vision. The moment you realized you lost track of her, you wanted to go searching, but you weren’t sure if that seemed too clingy. Nat was probably talking with someone, so you didn’t want to loom over her every second.
The longer you stood in Lottie’s house, the more stuffy and overwhelming it became. Nat was one of the only reasons you came to parties. Sure, you knew everyone here, but it still didn’t feel right. You needed some time to breathe and escape the ensuing chaos. Traversing Lottie’s mansion was not as easy as you thought it would be, cursing rich people and their fancy homes. There were too many rooms and not enough exits from the house. You had to go into what you guessed was a spare room to find a small balcony. You weren’t sure whose room it might have been, but you weren’t keen on checking. Lottie had people to clean the rooms anyway, so it wasn’t like any mess wouldn’t be cleaned up. That was when you managed to step out into the cold winter air.
It brushed against your skin, sending a quick chill. The night was bursting with noise from all directions. New Year's was a time for celebration, a time for hope for what was to come next. With such a feat came the usual loud sounds of fireworks. For some reason, that is how America decided to celebrate all major events, loudly and destructively. The stars that usually glittered overhead were replaced with flashes of red, blue, orange, any color you could name. Stepping away from the annual yellowjacket party was a well-decided decision. You could tune out the blaring music Lottie was playing and enjoy the little peace you had left. You leaned against the railing, looking up to the stars that weren’t disintegrated by light pollution. With how many houses and lights there were in Wisokya, you were slightly surprised to see many stars.
Your attention was drawn away from the stars because of a loud creak. You weren’t expecting to have anyone else join you, but that didn’t stop the curiosity. You turned your head towards the sound to find Nat approaching the balcony. “What’cha doing up here?” Nat drawled, her bleach-blond hair coming into view. She leaned against the railing, arms draped along the metal.
You could tell by the way Nat spoke that she was already a few cups down. You weren’t sure what Lottie gave out, but no one ever questioned it. “I could be asking you the same thing,” you retorted, eyes moving over to Nat. Despite how dark it was, you could trace Natalie’s face perfectly. It could be because of how often you find yourself staring at the girl. You couldn’t help the magnetic pool Nat had on you; it was impossible to escape from. Nat let out an amused laugh, her head tilted towards you. Her eyes sparkled in the darkness, more visible than any of the stars that hung overhead. Even with her head tilted your way, she still kept her eyes on the dark streets below.
Despite Nat not looking your way, you’d much rather look into her eyes than the fireworks that would soon pop. “Okay, nosy, since you had to know I came out here to smoke. I can’t have Lottie nagging me about burning a hole in her parents' furniture again,” Nat then pulled out a pack of cigarettes from her pants pocket. She could have gone anywhere to do this, but she was here. The thought of her seeking you out to be with made your heart flutter. Finding you up here was more of a chore than walking out to the front. The fact that Nat was here right now spoke volumes to you.
“I was here to watch the fireworks, but if you’re willing to share, I wouldn’t mind,” you replied, eyes moving from Nat’s cigarette to her lips. Your eyes lingered there longer than they should have, but Nat didn’t seem to notice. She was too busy inhaling the smoke to care. “Yeah, like that is the most sanitary thing in the world,” Nat rolled her eyes, inhaling the smoke once more. When she breathed out, the smoke rose up and quickly faded into the sky. You noticed that she hasn’t really been looking you in the eyes since she came up here. It was weird of her; Nat seemed to have all the confidence in the world. “Since when do you care about whether anything is sanitary or not? I thought you were all about ‘sharing the wealth’.” You laughed as Nat’s face started to grow a tint of red.
You didn’t mind that color on her; you’d much rather Nat have that look on her face more often. She brushed off your comment with a dismissive wave of her hand, her eyes finally glancing over to you. “I don’t know, I just kinda thought you wouldn’t want to,” Nat muttered, her voice softer than it had been before. Her voice was soothing against your ears, a melody that you wanted to repeat to the end of time. Her fingers fiddled with the cigarette, now using it more as a toy than its original purpose. You took in a shallow breath, leaning further into the metal. Now would be a better time to act than any.
For so long, you have imagined her hand in yours, her lips moving against yours. You weren’t unsure of what this desire was; you were fully aware of the feelings you held for Nat. The only thing that has ever stopped you is determining if Nat had any interest in girls. She had been with plenty of guys, most of them you hated with every bone in your body. She wasn’t seeing anyone that you knew of, so it seemed like a good time to make a move. You had many excuses you could use if Nat showed signs of disinterest. You could easily blame it on the drinks or the traditional midnight kiss.
“If I wanted whatever diseases you have, there are better ways to get them.” Nat’s face scrunched up in confusion, but she did slowly hand the cigarette over. She seemed to be mulling over your comment, wanting to make sense of what you said. Behind your comment, there was longing, a sense of desire you couldn’t outwardly say. You didn’t know if Nat could pick up on your meaning, but part of you hoped she didn’t. “What are you talking about?” Nat pipes up. She seemed to have let the confusion take over, not wanting to think about what the answer could be. As much as you wanted Nat to come up with her own answer, Nat wasn’t the best at finding hidden meaning.
You took the cigarette from Nat, taking in the fumes. The taste was bitter, but it was the closest thing to Nat you could get. If this is what it means to taste Nat, you would happily take it. When you breathed out, the smoke rose into the air before disappearing into the night. The rotten taste was still on your tongue, but it would leave with time. “I’m just saying that there are worse ways to get diseases. With it being New Year's, I wouldn’t be surprised if a case of mono started to spread around the team,” you bit out a laugh at your own comment.
It was an attempt to lighten the mood and make less of the awkwardness you felt. You instead focused on the lit end of the cigarette, watching the way the flame burned in the night. You could hear a distant crack, the sky filling with colors. The fireworks have already started, and there will soon be more to come. “If you wanted me to be your New Year's kiss, you should have just asked.” Nat’s loud laugh broke through the air. She nudged your shoulder, her head turned to look directly at you. Her comment made your cheeks flush.
Nat wasn’t wrong in the slightest. That is what you wanted, but you didn’t want to admit it openly. You’d much rather keep dropping subtle hints like you were doing before. You let out a quiet groan, head dropping to the cool metal railing. You couldn't tell if you should feel embarrassed or ecstatic that Nat agreed. On one hand, she wanted to be your New Year's kiss, yet you couldn’t tell if this was another one of her mixed signals or some meaningless friendship thing. Nat had offhandedly mentioned wanting to practice kissing before, but you brushed it off, thinking she was joking. She had been with people before, so why would she want to practice that with you?
“You don’t have to joke about something like that,” You muttered, lifting your head to look at Nat. She still had that stupid look on her face, the one with the smile that always made you fold. “Who said I have ever been joking about this?” Nat retorts, her eyes not leaving yours. Listening to her voice, you couldn’t hear anything that indicated that she could be messing with you. It slowly started to make you rethink all of those times before. The comments about kissing, or wanting to show you how to hold someone properly. Had Nat never really been joking about any of these things? Either you were an oblivious idiot, or Nat was exactly messing with your mind. The more you thought about it, the more you believed the former to be true. There was no way Nat would mess with you like this.
“I just always assumed you were joking, I mean, you never told me about being interested in girls,” you tried to explain, lifting your head to look at Nat properly. Despite the ongoing fireworks, all you could focus on was her. The smell of smoke was so uniquely her, you couldn’t imagine it on anyone else. There wasn’t anything more you could say to defend yourself; it would all fall short anyway. “Well, I’m interested in you,” Nat shot back, her words quick. You couldn’t hold back the bright smile that erupted on your face. A warm feeling flowed through your body as you heard the speed at which Nat answered back. It was like she didn’t need a second to think about her feelings towards you.
You dropped the cigarette to the ground, letting the ember fizzle out. You moved closer to Nat, standing right in front of the girl. You didn’t care if the smile on your face was stupid-looking; it was real. Everything you felt towards Nat was real in the most beautiful way possible. You weren’t sure how long you had wanted this for, but you sure weren’t going to lose it now. You pressed your lips against Nat, letting the taste of smoke and cheap beer melt against your lips. It would have tasted worse from anyone besides Nat. The moment your lips connected, you felt Nat’s lips move against yours, creating a rhythm.
One of her arms snaked around her waist, pulling your chest against hers. Nat’s other arm rested against your cheek, spreading a warmth through your body. It was better than you had thought it would be. You had thought about this before and what the result would be. Your daydreams didn't prepare you for how it would actually feel. The same fireworks that popped and fizzled in the air exploded in your stomach. Even when you pulled away, the sensation wasn’t lost on your lips. You would gladly taste the smoke if it meant feeling that heat against your lips again. “It’s not even midnight, and you are ready to jump my bones,” Nat teased. She didn’t move her hands, instead letting them rest against your body. You rested your arms against Nat’s shoulders, trying to keep her as close as possible. You finally had her and were not ready to let her go.
“Just getting a head start, what is so wrong with that?” You rolled your eyes at Nat’s antics. You could still feel the heat against your cheeks, but you weren’t embarrassed about it. The red that flushed your face was more welcome than it had ever been in the past. “Nothing,” Nat slurred, before she crashed her lips against yours. The kiss was slow, but tantalizing. Her tongue grazed your lips, for permission which you happily provided. Her tongue ran against yours, causing a small sigh to escape your mouth. She was amazing, and this was one of the best ways to ring in the new year.
One of your hands wanders up to Nat’s neck, running along her skin. You could feel the goosebumps on her neck. Your hand settled itself in Nat’s, fingers tangling in her blond locks. You only pulled away from Nat when you needed air. You rested your forehead against Nat’s, your eyes fluttering shut. It might have been booming loudly outside, but you felt utterly peaceful in the moment. “Happy New Year, Nat,” You whispered, your voice only audible to the girl next to you. “Happy New Year,” Nat whispered back, her arms holding you tight against her chest. Hopefully, this would be how you and Nat would spend every year moving forward.
Summery:
The growing tension between you and Shauna explodes -> part 1
An: I rise back from the dead and bring this as my offering. I hope you enjoy it. All constructive criticism is welcomed to help me improve as a writer. I am also taking asks and request!
You couldn't tell if the bitterness that engulfed your body was the lowering temperatures or the fault of Shauna. Anger and betrayal boiled under your skin, like water on the stove. The feeling was bubbling up, waiting for the moment to burst. Anger filled the quiet, no matter where you were. Silence and loneliness seemed more prevalent than in the past. There was no one to go to, no one from the group would understand. The crippling feeling of betrayal lasted for days after you read Shauna’s journal. You couldn’t bring yourself to look at the brown-eyed girl, scared you would burst into tears all over again. Looking at her and knowing what she had done made you hurt over and over again. She had lied, deceived, and cheated on you.
Reflecting on those nights when Shauna said she couldn’t come over now seems different. You were starting to question what you were really doing, what you meant to Shauna. She was willing to cheat on you with Jeff and not care how you felt. That so many feelings are swelling inside, and the impression that maybe she never really cared. Shauna was a better actor than you have ever given her credit for. For so long, she was not lying to you, but to Jackie and Jeff, too. Jackie was the person Shauna was lying to the most. She lied about you, going to Rutgers, Jeff, being her friend, and now her unexpected pregnancy. Shauna’s lies had started to pile up so high you wondered how she kept up with them all. She probably kept track of it all in her journal. That stupid fucking journal. You found it so idiotic now that you thought about it. She kept all of her secrets in something that anyone could sneak a look at. All of her secrets could be exposed or revealed if one person managed to steal the journal away from Shauna. That exact thing happened, but the secrets went to the wrong person. No wonder she got increasingly more protective of the thing. Shauna wanted to shield you from her internal struggles with Jackie and her relationship with Jeff.
Recalling the fragments of what you read from Shauna’s journal made you feel a little jealous. Every single page had at least one mention of Jackie. There was never a moment when Jackie was out of Shauna’s mind. Even if it came from a place of deep hatred or slight care, Jackie was there. Even in the pages that were dedicated to you, there were often mentions of the blond-haired girl. Shauna’s frantic scribbles about her “best friend” were anything but comforting. It almost seemed like Shauna had an obsession with Jackie, poorly masked as burning hatred. You had begun to doubt that you were anything to Shauna. You had determined for yourself that you were nothing compared to Jackie. You wouldn’t even be surprised anymore if your relationship with Shauna was some stunt to make Jackie jealous. Shauna had always been a petty person, so to finally have something that Jackie had felt like winning the Olympics was to Shauna.
Those degrading and unsure thoughts that whispered in the back of your mind had now become the ideas that shouted louder than anything. Shauna didn’t seem to care anymore; maybe she never had. Shauna was assigned the role of the butcher, the job that made her kill everything she touched. Thinking back on the fond memories that could be dusted off to reveal shattered fragments of happiness, you wondered how long Shauna had really been the butcher for. There was evidence to believe that Shauna had been a butcher for much longer than everyone had been in the wilderness. She had killed your relationship and parts of yourself in the process.
It wouldn’t be too long before Jackie discovered the truth. Telling Jackie what had happened would open up too much for one moment. You thought it was better to act as if you didn’t know, then let Jackie find out on her own terms. When Jackie eventually finds out, Shauna will be the one to blame for their crumbling relationship. You didn’t think it would be long after Shauna finds out both you and Jackie know the truth that she would have to face the consequences of her actions. Right now, you couldn’t wait for her actions to come back around and bite her in the ass. She broke your heart with her actions, so you didn’t really care what misfortunes would eventually befall her. Shauna was butchering her relationship with those around her, in turn killing herself in the process.
Life up to this point had been going in a sluggish, repetitive cycle: wake up, clean, avoid the others, prepare the food, eat, and sleep. You no longer wanted to be around your teammates; talking with them hardly brought you the same joy and excitement that it used to. Nothing seemed to provide the same flair that Shauna had brought into your life. When the girl ripped away your trust and love, everything seemed to crumble inside. All you seemed to be capable of anymore was watching pitifully as the others managed to cling to some hope of rescue. While you agreed in the sentiment that you wanted to go home, anywhere was better than the wilderness, you couldn’t find the energy like everyone else managed to. Hearing their cheers and rapid words, though lessening, made you feel like your head would explode. You couldn’t see how everyone still clung to this hope that someone was coming; it had been months, yet there were no signs of anyone searching.
Already feeling as if your word was cascading down around you, you were offered a nice view of watching everyone else descend into despair alongside you. Not everyone abruptly crashed as you did; most people slowly descended into madness. That seemed like the more acceptable way to lose hope than the way you did. Your sudden behavior made people frown at you whenever you walked by; it also raised too many questions. Avoiding everyone all of the time took too much effort and made people want to pry and talk to you even more. You couldn’t go out of your way to isolate yourself from everyone else. You found yourself talking with Mari, Nat, and Van the most now. Mari was also helping prepare the food, so she would often talk to you about whatever bugged her the most. She seemed to be annoyed by everything and anything. Nat was the first person to try to talk to you after you had read the journal. Of course, she had no clue what had happened, but Nat must have seen how sluggish and somber you had started to become. She didn’t ask questions; she sat by your side and talked. You guessed she was talking to get your mind off what you were thinking about. Her comfort was nicer than the others. The silent comfort and understanding were better than any questions or soft words. Van’s lively spirit was one you were only able to handle in small doses. Before everything went south, you could talk with them just fine, but now you felt as if you were dragging their vigor down.
In the brief moments you did have with the redhead, they seemed to be losing the spark of hope that they once held so deeply onto. The look in their eyes seemed dull, and jokes did not even land half of the time. Van was far different from the teammate you knew before the crash and the couple of months at the start of this nightmare. You enjoyed Van’s company even though it wasn’t what you always needed. Van was trying their best to be a beam of light for everyone else, masking themselves with jokes and light-hearted comments. It worked for some people, but you didn’t have the energy to give in to their whimsy. Having your trust already ripped and broken right in front of you didn’t seem to allow you to feel much excitement as it once did. Having something pulled away and broken makes you want to be alone in your despair, not giving someone the chance to hurt you again.
Van didn’t seem to have that problem; they were close with Tai a lot of the time now. Van and Tai seemed to use each other as an emotional crutch, something to ground the other person. You had started to assume that something was going on between the pair, but it wasn’t right to go up and ask. You hadn’t said anything to anyone about Shauna, so it wasn’t right to go butting into places that you clearly weren’t invited to. However, you couldn’t help but look at them with jealousy in your eyes. They were lucky not to have a partner like Shauna. You wished that you and Shauna had the trust, love, and communication that Van and Tai had.
You sat by yourself, brooding in your own mind. Your back was pressed up against the rough bark of a tree, legs up to your chest. Despite your best attempts to distract your mind and stop yourself from the endless sulking, your thoughts always wander back to what Shauna did. You saw Shauna everywhere, so it was a constant reminder of what she had done. Shauna seemed to be picking up on the way you avoided her. She had made a few attempts to talk to you, but all you saw in front of you was a liar and a cheater. Everything you said back to Shauna was short and to the point. You didn’t want to participate in the light-hearted and blissful chatter that you both loved before it all went wrong.
You and Shauna would talk about your futures, like everything was written in stone. The dream of going to college together seemed like a possibility that was close enough to touch. Now you started to doubt if she ever wanted a future with you at all. She wouldn’t have cheated if she knew you were the only person for her. All of the wishes and planning that went down in Shauna’s bed at 1 am seemed lifeless and void. She had no reason to mean what she had said. It could have all been lies to keep you around longer. You knew what Shauna kept you around; it was clearly stated in her journal, but you didn’t want to believe it was true. The mental image of being with Shauna so that she stood out from Jackie was terrible. No one should be dating another person just because it makes them stand out from others. You had been the moon to Shauna’s disinterested sun. You once hung on the girl’s every word, wanting to be around the girl more than anyone else. Now, whenever you saw Shauna, disgust and anger were the only emotions that lived inside of you. Having to look at Shauna every day, knowing that she was pregnant with her best friend's baby, didn't do good things for your mental health. You could also be to blame, since you had started avoiding her like the plague, but Shauna wasn’t giving much in return either. What Shauna gave you was longing stares and awkward conversations that went nowhere.
You were taken out of your self-despair by the growing chatter in the clearing of the camp. Your eyes moved upward, seeing more people cluttered around each other. You hadn’t even noticed that Nat and Travis had come back with a deer. The thing looked sick, something red against its antlers. It didn’t look like what you thought shedding was; the red looked more akin to blood than anything. When you got up to your feet, you hesitantly moved towards the dead creature, unlit eyes staring at the corpse. You, along with a few others, felt put off by the corpse. You had gotten somewhat used to seeing dead animals, but nothing like this. There were a few complaints about the deer being safe to eat, but coach Ben brushed it off by saying the deer was shedding. You didn’t think the explanation was accurate, but kept quiet. If it allowed everyone to think less of the dead animal, there was no reason to break that delusion. “Shauna, do the honors,” Ben stated, like it was the most casual thing in the world. Like cutting up an animal was something anyone on the soccer team was used to. You had watched how Shauna had been made to cut up the dead animals, watched as her hands started to be coated in blood. You looked up at Shauna, eyes narrowed as you watched her approach the deer. A displeased frown took residence on your lips.
You could easily say it was towards the sight of the dead animal, but you didn’t think you were fooling anyone, not with the way you stared at Shauna. Over time, the butchering seemed to be easier for the brown-haired girl. Shauna bent down towards the dead creature, knife lined up on its stomach. When the deer got cut open, you immediately took a step back, face twisting into disgust and slight fear. Maggots infested the animal, crawling inside with the blood. The sight was enough to make anyone puke. You couldn’t figure out how something like this was possible in the first place. The deer hadn't been dead for long, so it made no sense. Nothing that had been freshly killed should look remotely like that.
Tai’s voice broke out from the crowd. By the sound of her voice, Taissa was clearly annoyed and drained. Everyone was tired of the current situation, but there wasn’t much anyone could do to get out. The rescue signal had not been found and was presumed to be destroyed, so there was no way to call for help. “We can't do this anymore, you guys! What happens when winter gets here? We starve to death? Freeze?” Tai’s voice boomed through the small ground. Her voice was sharp, like always, and held a fierce sense of determination. Tai had always been the type of girl to take things into her own hands and not budge when she made up her mind.
You couldn’t blame her for wanting to get out of whatever hell-hole this was. Food was still somewhat plentiful, but you could never imagine yourself eating what Nat and Travis had just come back with. You would hardly classify that as food. “We can't count on getting rescued anymore-- we all know that is not gonna happen. We have to save ourselves. That's why I'm gonna go find help.” Tai continued her announcement, her voice only growing in volume. You couldn’t help but agree with Tai’s method of action. You couldn’t stay here and wait for help; you didn’t even know when it was coming. While you thought people were still looking for the soccer team, you started to lose hope a while ago. If no one was coming to save the team, Tai was right; the team needed to save themselves.
You didn’t know what exactly Tai was planning for getting help, but you were sure she would elaborate on whatever she was thinking. Tai was resourceful and thought most things through, excluding the Allie incident. That lucky bitch. You took a quick second to look at the other girl’s reactions to Taissa’s proclamation. Some seemed in disbelief, wide-eyed and concerned. Van was one of these people, looking very confused as to what Tai was proposing. You were more lenient about going on the expedition. Tai needed people with her who knew what was lurking in the woods. As much as she said she could, Taissa couldn’t do it alone. Out of habit, your eyes moved to find Shauna’s. You sought out her opinion and advice. Every word that parted from her lips held meaning and something worth listening to. You once took everything she said like it was the most important thing in the world. Now, whenever Shauna’s whispers pass through your ears, you can hardly stand it. A once comforting and melodic voice turned bitter and agonizing.
The way Shauna’s eyes seemed to narrow and her arms crossed gave you all you needed to know about how she felt. Shauna didn’t like the idea of going out into unknown territory. No matter how much she masked it with supporting words to Taissa, you knew Shauna wanted no part in it. That furthered your reasoning for wanting to head out for help. This would mean time spent away from Shauna and the anger you felt inside. It might be the only opportunity you had to get over and move past the betrayal that Shauna had caused. You didn’t know if you could forgive her; it would take a long time, but you couldn’t do it when you were constantly around her. Your eyes met Shauna’s; her eyes held so many negative emotions. It was concerning how easy it was to tell when something was wrong with Shauna. Her dark brown eyes were able to capture so much anguish and despair.
For a quick beat, you felt guilty for even wanting to leave her. Shauna must be struggling, and you felt responsible for being by her side. You were still her girlfriend after all. You hadn’t had the chance to break up with her properly, as you both were avoiding each other. The only time you spent together was when you two were cuddled up in the thin sheets of your make-shift bed. As soon as the feeling of guilt washed over your heart, it vanished. Shauna was the person who did this to herself. She desired to be more and better than Jackie, but then put her in this situation in the first place. You shouldn’t care about what those consequences led to, but you found yourself still holding onto Shauna. You held onto the memories of her, the moments where everything felt real. That was when you felt most at peace with the world you lived in. You wanted those moments back; you wanted to go back to before you knew she had cheated on you. Even if it was better to know, sometimes it felt better to live in ignorance than in hurt.
“I'm leaving in the morning. Come with me if you want to get out of this fucking hell-hole.” Tai’s blaring voice called out once more. Her body stance was rigid and tense while her eyes slightly narrowed. Taissa was firm on her decision, not wanting to stay in the wilderness a second longer. You agreed with her sentiment, but for more selfish reasons. You watched as Tai walked away, effectively ending the small gathering. Everyone seemed to be going their own separate ways, but hushed whispers filled the air. From the corner of your eye, you watched as a concerned Van hurriedly followed after Tai. Their footsteps were as rushed as Tai’s, to keep up with the taller girl. You shrugged off the sight, knowing the problem was none of your business. You had to pack and get your supplies ready.
You made your way back to the cabin, moving up to the attic. It was peaceful up there, yet there was a looming sense of dread. You started to stuff whatever you could find into your backpack, not wanting to leave a trace of yourself in the cabin. As much as you wished you could stuff everything in the bag, some things had to be left behind, and you had to decide what. Clothes were needed, but you couldn’t afford to bring too many. Other people going on the expedition had clothes, so if you really needed to, sharing was an option. That would also allow for more space for water, food, and other smaller items. There wasn’t a defined number of people who said they were going, so you weren’t sure what to prepare for. As you stuff things into the bottom of your bag, you feel a presence behind you.
The shadow that cascaded into view made you slightly jump. You didn’t hear anyone approach; the only sign of someone being there was the shadow. You didn’t need to turn around to know who was there. Of course, it was Shauna; that part wasn’t surprising to you. What was surprising was why she decided to come talk with you. She seemed much happier avoiding you and whispering with Tai. Shauna hardly ever spared you a second glance anymore. You hoped it was the guilt eating at her, but you wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t feel guilty. It felt like everything you once knew had been forged and shaped in a way that you wanted. The night that you read Shauna’s journal, everything you knew about your relationship had crumbled. You hoped she felt remorse for her actions, but you wouldn’t know unless you confronted Shauna head-on. The thought of bringing up her pregnancy and cheating was a hurdle that needed to be crossed, yet felt like a mountain in front of you.
So much pain and confusion were placed on the mountain even before you got to the reason for her betrayal. You didn’t even know how to start that conversation. Diving right in would only lead to a blow-up fight with Shauna. Of course, she would be offended that you read her journal, rightfully so. Shauna’s journal was her property, and you have invaded her privacy. While you had noble intentions when reading, you were sure Shauna wouldn’t see it as such. Ripping the band-aid off right away would cause a fight, but it was needed. You couldn’t dance around or avoid the topic forever. The longer you both sat in silence, the more anger and resentment started to build. That would only lead you to anger and the ensuing fight to be bigger than it ever should be. At least if you did get into a blow-up fight, you didn’t have to see Shauna for a while. Tai was leaving tomorrow, so when you left with them, you wouldn’t have to face an angry Shauna anymore. It was a pathetic escape, but you would take anything to not feel this hurt every time you saw Shauna. Once you get everything out, the time away could be a reflection for both of you. Forgiveness would be its own ensuing battle, but one day you would be able to forgive. Forgiveness is a step of healing, so it would have to be done eventually, but that step seemed to be a long way down the road.
“Are you going to talk to me or brood over my shoulder?” You ask Shauna, not lifting your eyes from your bag. You started to count your items, making sure everything was in its proper place, and everything you needed was accounted for. Shauna’s shadow was easy to spot as she loomed over you. Her stare was practically burning a hole through the back of your head. You lifted yourself to your feet, brushing off the dirt against your knees. That was one thing you wouldn’t miss about the cabin: how dusty and grimy it was. You couldn’t be picky with what you had for shelter, but that doesn’t mean you have to enjoy it. As you stared at Shauna, you tried to decipher the many emotions scattered across her face. Her brown eyes held more emotion than Shauna would ever speak. The way her arms crossed, nails digging into her skin, gave you a clear indication of her discomfort.
“Are you actually going to stick around instead of avoiding me?” Shauna retorted, rolling her eyes. You wanted to start laughing the moment the words spilled from the girl’s lips. It was so ironic how she was mad at you for avoiding her when she had been doing the same thing as well. Her avoiding you was the reason you read her journal and then got into this mess in the first place. You both had your reasons for avoiding each other, but you found it very hypocritical of Shauna to be frustrated with you over this. You crossed your arms over your chest as you stared at Shauna. The girl hardly ever practiced what she preached, yet thought that everyone needed to follow the instructions made in her head. As much as you wanted to make a snarky or biting comment over the hypocrisy, you didn’t think it was worth mentioning. The comment would only spark a fight with Shauna, but you knew that there were more important things to fight about with Shauna. No matter what way you went about this conversation, a fight was inevitable. You didn’t oppose fighting with Shauna; she deserved it for cheating, but you hated the look that passed over her face whenever it happened. Shauna often looked so dejected and resembled a kicked puppy. However, when she was the one snapping back, Shauna could look so enraged. Her cheeks would get all red, and her expressions could contort in ways you didn’t think were possible.
“I will stay for a little bit. I have to go talk with Tai later about what the plan is.” After you spoke, you watched for Shauna’s reaction. You wanted to see exactly how she was feeling; if she was relieved, worried, annoyed, or happy. You couldn’t tell what to expect from the brown-haired girl. You had thought you knew her like the back of your hand, but day by day, you seemed to lose sight of Shauna. You had started to worry if Shauna had begun to lose sight of herself as well. Shauna’s brown eyes widened as he words passed her ears. You looked down at the girl’s hands, watching as Shauna clenched and unclenched her hands repeatedly. She looked more surprised and angry than relieved. You liked how Shauna still seemed to want you here despite the current circumstances. You had thought she would have been more impartial about you leaving with Tai; you would be one less thing to worry about. With you gone, Shauna would have one less secret to hide from someone. Instead, Shauna seemed aggravated by your announced departure.
“Why are you leaving? You can't do that!” Shauna blurted out, her voice slightly shaking. Her nails started to dig into the skin of her palm, a visible sign of the girl’s distress. You stared at Shauna, your eyes growing wider. The dark-haired girl was acting like she had a say in what you were doing. Even after weeks of acting as if you were invisible, now she wanted to act as if you were a person. Shauna didn’t have any right to tell you what you should be doing. “Who says you get to decide that?” You scoffed, your voice coming out more aggravated than you would have liked. You couldn't help that some annoyance slipped through the cracks. The wall you were building between you and Shauna was growing by the day. You hadn’t had a chance to confront her, yet here you were, already casting yourself away from the problem.
You had convinced yourself that your separation was Shauna’s own doing, but you also held a reason for blame. Instead of confronting something that you should have long ago, you let feelings linger and let silence answer your question. Talking about the cheating with Shauna would open so many new wounds that you didn’t even know you had. Letting the unknown hurt never surface seemed much easier than actually doing anything about the problem. Communication was also never Shauna’s strong suit. She let things bubble until they spilled over. It wasn’t healthy on both sides of the argument. “Last time I checked, I was your girlfriend,” Shauna snapped, emphasizing her relationship title. Her body was rigid, and her hands curled into balls.
The expression on her face was so clearly one of annoyance, but something sadder emerged the more you looked at her. Her once lively brown eyes seemed dim, despair and hopelessness clinging to the surface. You wanted to let out a loud laugh as Shauna emphasized the once-meaning title. She wasn’t deserving of anything close to friendship with you anymore. You weren’t contracted to listen to her or give her pity. Cheating on you and acting as if you meant nothing wasn’t something Shauna could effortlessly bounce back from. All the trust and love you had given her was crushed and tossed like a tarnished piece in her journal. In her journal, she had written the action off as something she had done many times, and she probably had. She slept with Jeff because she was a petty b and needed everything Jackie had.
She was so obsessed with being out of her best friend's shadow that she would ruin everything she had. You had hoped that you were enough to stop the jealousy that clung to Shauna, but your hopes crumbled when you read the journal. While your mind was filled with outrage, you figured it was time to release the heartache you felt. With everything out in the open, it would give you the chance to let everything be known and for Shauna to fumble with whatever pitiful excuse she could quickly manage. With you leaving the next morning, you wouldn’t have to face Shauna, and if everything went according to plan, you wouldn’t have to see until the group returned to rescue the others. You opened your mouth to speak, ready for the flood of words to spew out of your mouth. However, Shauna saw this as the perfect time to continue her rant about why she could tell you what to do.
“We are supposed to stick together out here. You are the only person who shouldn’t leave me. You can’t really think that wandering off into the middle of nowhere is a good decision. Tai is a smart person, but this is a reckless idea. We don’t know what kind of animals are out there, but I am sure some animals would kill you. I can’t have you leave me,” Shauna concluded, her tone pleading. She sounded so sincere, like she meant every word that passed her lips. You had half a mind to believe these words. You once followed her blindly, believing that she would do nothing to hurt you or break your trust. Now you could break past whatever illusions she put in front of you. Despite how genuine the plea felt, you had learned not to believe most of what Shauna said. The real Shauna was hidden in paper, only meant for her eyes.
Unable to hold back your resentment, you lashed out in return, “I can't leave you, but you can run around and do whatever you want? You say we are supposed to stick together, but where was that loyalty when you were with Jeff? You cheat on me and expect me to love you still? Did you expect me to love the potential baby, or were you planning on never telling me?” Your words came out just as you intended for them to be; bitter and distressful. Everything you had been holding back for the past few weeks was able to be heard in your voice. All of the anger and hurt Shauna had caused came flooding to the surface. You wanted her to take some accountability for what she had done; she could write all she wanted in that journal of hers, but it meant nothing if she was unable to say it to your face. Looking at Shauna, all you were able to see was a coward standing where your girlfriend once was. She had shifted into a person whom you were unable to recognize. You thought you had known her so well, but she was more selfish and hateful than you once thought her to be.
You clenched your hands, letting your fingers dig into the flesh of your palm. The pressure against your hand was an attempt to keep yourself grounded in your spiraling mess that was taking place. When your eyes moved up to look at Shauna, her expression was one you hadn’t thought she would have. You had run over this situation many times in your head, but in every situation you imagined, you always pictured Shauna boiling with rage. You could hear her enraged voice in your ears, screaming and denying everything you said. You had planned for this fight to be an explosion of screaming and tears, but you didn’t think you would be entirely right. On some level, you wanted to fight with Shauna; let her feel the betrayal that she had thrown upon you. You had been told from a young age that wishing harm on others was wrong, but in the moment, it felt too right. In your mind, Shauna deserved to understand what she had done.
Shauna’s face was slightly pale, and her brown eyes were somehow wider than they normally were. Her usually doe eyes seemed shaky, and her face more gaunt. Shauna took a step backwards, her body rigid despite the slight shake in her eyes and hands. She was looking at you as if you had taken an axe to a man’s head. It annoyed you how she dared to look at you as if you were the problem in this situation. She had no right to pull a victim card and act as if you had committed some abhorrent crime worthy of death. The pure panic on her face would have been funny if the gravity of the situation wasn’t what it was. The silence that took over the room was eerie and more solemn than you had expected. Shauna still seemed to be processing all the implications of what you had said to her. She would also have to come up with some kind of excuse or reflection, depending on how she wanted to handle the situation.
“You read my journal!” Shauna exclaimed, her face slowly returning to its normal. You were glad that no one was around for the initial divulgence. The news would have spread like wildfire, eventually getting back to Jackie. Not only would your relationship be discovered, but everyone would know about Shuna and Jeff. The more you thought about it, the more you wanted to tell Jackie. She deserved to know; she was also the victim of the two’s actions, but that wasn’t the way you wanted Jackie to find out. Focusing your attention back onto Shauna, her expression seemed to become more fearful than angry.
“What did you expect?” You scoffed, crossing your arms on your chest. While it was bad for you to invade Shauna’s privacy like that, it wasn’t like she was talking to you. There wasn't any other way for you to understand what was going on in Shauna’s head or what was going on with her anymore. She was all closed off and broody, leaving you with nothing to understand what was happening with her. “You wouldn’t talk to me. Every time I tried to talk to you, you would shut it down or avoid me. My own girlfriend was acting like I had some disease; there was nothing else I could do,” you explained, an edge in your voice.
Shauna’s expression shifted into one of hesitation and guilt. You were surprised to see her actually look somewhat remorseful. That was a drastic change from what you had read in the journal.The guilt that flashed momentarily across her face was replaced by a look of annoyance with a hint of disgust. She was acting as if you were the only person who had done wrong in the situation. You couldn’t stand how Shauna could act so blindly to her own actions.Her brows were furrowed, her knuckles digging into the fabric of the flannel. Shauna’s eyes looked at you with such anger that you started to doubt your own feelings. While Shauna didn’t wear her emotions on her sleeve, everything she felt was easily seen in her eyes.
“So, invading my privacy was the next best choice?” Shauna retorted, sarcasm leaking through her words. Shauna has always seemed to have a knack for finding sarcasm or biting words. It was a trait you used to admire in the girl, but now you see why many people detested that about Shauna. The argument had started to derail from the original point that you had intended to make with Shauna. You weren’t sure if that was a purposeful thing Shauna had done or if it was by coincidence. You would hold some fault for reading her journal, but that was not why you were leaving with the other girls. It was about the betrayal that Shauna had caused, the pain that swept through your body just by looking at her.
“The journal doesn’t matter, Shauna,” you spat, unable to withhold the frustration in your voice. You wouldn’t have to stuff everything down; you had the chance to say what needed to be said. The unspoken tension that resided in the air would finally be realised, even if the truth was worse than the tension. “This is about you and Jeff, not your fucking journal. You slept with him, acted like everything was normal, then went straight to avoiding me when you found out…” You managed to stop yourself from saying anything more. You fear that if you had the will to say it, you would be strong enough to get over the betrayal. You were not strong enough to forgive Shauna, not after all of this. She had used you as some sort of replacement to fill the jealousy that coursed through her body. You weren’t even enough to satisfy the jealousy; Jeff had to become part of her f-up orbit. No one had known this side of Shauna, but being able to speak the truth out loud made so many things come together. You didn’t want to know when they started sleeping together, you didn’t want to know when you stopped being enough for Shauna.
As much as you told yourself you meant something to her, in the back of your mind, there was a voice saying you were never anything to her. Shauna was silent, her mouth slightly agape. She seemed as if she had something to say, but the words failed to meet her lips. Her face was going through so many emotions, but none of them lasted long on her face. Her bottom lip slightly trembled, but you couldn’t tell if it was out of fear or sadness. “It didn’t mean anything,” Shauna sputtered out, her voice rushed and nervous. The lie was lousy; you had expected better from Shauna. This was a girl ready to go to Brown University, and that was the best she was able to muster. If it had meant nothing, then why even do it in the first place? You guessed it was some last-ditch effort to make you feel better, reassure you that there was still something between you. You were tired of the false reassurance, the attempts to mend what once was something beautiful. Shauna had ruined one of the only things keeping you sane in a place where nothing made sense.
Your lip quivered, unable to control the desperation you were feeling. “Then why did you do it? Did I really mean nothing to you, or did Jackie mean that much?” You could feel the swell in your tone, obscene amounts of hurt crawling up your throat. Your throat felt so raw and scratchy, like you screamed your lungs out on the soccer field as you did so long ago. You once thought you could be something more to Shauna than Jackie was. The two were best friends, sure, but you were supposed to mean something more. Now, all you felt like was an extension of her hatred, an extension of her feelings towards Jackie. All of the time you had spent with Shauna, getting to know and love the person she was, felt like a fraud. The notes she handed to you between classes were now hollow, words filled with such love, now empty beyond repair.
You wanted to ask if she really meant anything, scream out if it was all a lie. As much as you wanted to break down again, you couldn’t let this show to Shauna. She wasn’t worth the tears that you had once shed. You had cried too much to let her have any more of your heart. Before you could rant and rave about the growing anguish and jealousy bubbling up, Shauna's broken voice rang in your ears. “You were everything, and still are everything. I hated seeing Jackie get everything while I stood on the sidelines. Can’t you see we are just the background characters in the movie of her life? I just wanted to be treated like a normal person, to understand how she treats everyone else. I know I hurt you, and I’m sorry for that. I didn’t mean to hurt you like this…” Shauna’s voice cracked, her tone so close to wailing. You couldn’t tell if her words were sincere or if they were just another fabrication she was making up on the spot. You knew too much of what she had done to have a sensible grip on reality.
“Did you not want me to get hurt or not want me to know?” You snapped. You couldn’t cry, you shouldn’t cry right now. There was a silence that hung over the air, too heavy for a person to hold. You couldn’t stand to look at Shauna; your vision was blurring anyway, so it would be hard to do so. “Just let me do this.” Your voice softened, unable to hold any more resentment towards Shauna. Your words were a plea, the fight leaving like a straightened wisp. “Even if you don’t want it, your opinion won’t matter. I’m going to leave,” You finished, eyes focused on the ground below you. You could make out a harsh inhale of breath from Shauna, "I'm so sorry. I hope you're safe. Please, can we talk about this later?" She didn’t sound as annoyed, but more weak and desperate than before. "Yeah, we can talk later," You muttered, unable to meet Shauna's gaze. The next thing you could hear was the brushing of feet against the wooden floor. The sound of Shauna's walking was accompanied by the sound of floorboards creaking. You stood still in the now silent room, your thoughts being the only thing weighing on your mind. It would be best to push her away, to not let the grief of your fallen relationship consume you anymore. The time away is what you need to forgive her, but you were both damned to the end from the start. The future you had imagined with Shauna had gone down with the air that shot your heart.
currently have another W.I.P but I feel conflicted. A lot of my ideas come from songs and I don't really know if it is a good or a bad thing. Since a lot of the ideas I have come from songs i kind of feel like the fic is not completely my idea. Like I am expanding it and writing, but kind of using the song to write. I will keep writing it since I am already 1k words in, but don't really know how to feel about it. please tell me another people get what I am talking about lol
An: This was inspired by the song of the same name by Laufey. I don't think I am really that good at writing dialog, so this fic is basically all internal thoughts. Also please let me know if I drag things out for to long. Looking over this I felt like something have been made out longer than they should be. Anyways request are open if you want to send something in. I need to make rules/guidelines and a masterlist soon.
word cound: 3.4k
cw: none
At Wiskayok High, there was a clear social hierarchy that included many levels and diverse individuals. Being positioned in the middle wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. You weren’t popular enough to stress about your social image, nor were you an outcast worrying about school gossip. Sticking with a small group of friends was perfectly fine. You knew them well and felt no need to seek out new connections; there was little incentive to do so anyway, as Wiskayok had more than its fair share of difficult people.
Having a close-knit circle for years meant you remained relatively unknown to the larger student body. You recognized a few names outside your friend group, but not many. The names that reached your ears often belonged to those involved in the latest drama. That was just how school was; the well-known students were often at the center of the chaos. Without the burden of popularity, high school could feel somewhat dull. However, you found comfort in your close friends, turning to them with your problems and whatever else that came up in your life. They were the ones you confided in when you finally found the courage to admit to yourself that you liked girls.
New Jersey was not the worst place to express oneself, but it was not the best. What worried you most was if the secret you and your friends held were somehow to slip into the ears of people who shouldn’t hear it. However, that is where being a nobody worked into your hand. People would have to know you by name and point you out in a crowd for any effect to come up. With hardly anyone caring about you or you not finding care to make a name for yourself, it played out well. Through your years in high school, nothing seemed to come up with girls you seemed to like. The dating pool wasn't large in some rural New Jersey high schools.
Days went by like a blended video repeating with nothing standing out. Everything was the same, so there were things to expect in your day. There were some rare occasions, however, when things shifted off-script. Those days didn’t fizzle into the back of your skull to be forgotten amongst the bland days offered to you. What made those days memorable were usually the people that came into your life. Those people stayed for a moment only to be seen again months later when anything you felt faded into nothing. The girls that caught your eye for the day never came back as much as you wish they would. Longing and hoping seemed to be the only thing in the cards for you. There wasn’t much that you could say without making a complete fool of yourself and opening yourself up to the hatred that was deeply rooted in the school. Your eyes would only ever be able to watch while words remained unspoken and your body moved on autopilot. A part of you knew that the hope for cheesy high school romance wouldn't last; it was a small flicker of liveliness that came into your day.
The hope you felt of getting into a relationship was not meant to last, and you found that it was better to let go than to stay in the hopes of something that would never come to fruition. As much as you lamented to your friends about the fleeting hopes and desires, nothing seemed to be more than that fleeting. You were sure your friends had grown tired of hearing about it, and you were tired of feeling it until her.
The girl had bleach-blond hair and eyes that seemed to hold so much more than she would ever let out. Her detached and arcane attitude used to drive people away made you come closer. Her dark clothes made her pale skin stand out more than it should. How the girl held herself with so much confidence and without a care in the world made her more attractive than she probably should be. You first saw her when you showed up five minutes late to your journalism class. She walked in with the swagger only a high school burnout could have. She sat in the back corner of the class, a few seats away from you.
From where the girl sat, you thought she didn't want to be noticed. Her hair was mused, and you could smell the faint hint of smoke that lingered on her clothing. The girl was a stranger to you, and you were a stranger to her. The current relationship might have been the best way for things to go for you. Admiring the girl for a whole semester was better than a fleeting feeling that swallowed you whole and spat you out with disappointment and dejection rising within you.
The first few weeks of school blew by in a breeze; nothing outstanding or remarkable about them. Hardly anything ever happened in school; it was just the same pattern over and over again. The only thing that made school worth attending was the stranger that sat diagonally from you in journalism. You never picked up on her name, too busy staring at her from afar to hear the teacher call out her name. Besides, there was something nice about not knowing her name. It gave the blond girl an aura of mystery and elegance that others often lack. The more you stared at the girl, the more you started to pick up on her small habits. You watched with a smile as she bit the end of her pencil, finding the habit rather endearing. You had also noticed how the blond fell asleep almost every class, head against her head or the desk. Was it weird to be constantly staring at her; yes. It wasn’t your fault that she was so compelling. Her eyes held a dull light that you desperately wanted to get behind. Hearing her slightly raspy voice whenever she spoke made your stomach flutter in a way you could never get tired of. You start to look forward to the class, and it becomes an excuse to stare at your crush. The bleach-blond wasn’t in any of your other classes, so this was the only time you had to see her. There were some days when she never showed up at all. Those days seemed longer than the rest. No one was able to preoccupy your time, and nothing was able to distract your mind. A part of you felt guilt for constantly looking at her like you were, but those thoughts were silenced the moment you caught the girl staring back at you.
The days your stranger showed up in class started to diminish. You couldn’t blame her for wanting to skip a class as easy and uneventful as journalism was. Nothing was ever going on; the teacher was hardly doing anything anyway. Most of the class used the period as an excuse to do whatever they wanted. Even though skipping was reasonable, you couldn’t stop the discontent that filled your heart when she was never present. The stranger whose name you didn't bother to learn was hardly there to bring the tiny spark your day always needed. Today was different, however. The moment you caught sight of a leather jacket and blond hair, you felt your heart beat ten times faster. You couldn’t help but admire the way her bangs helped shape her face. The moment she walked past, you caught the smell of smoke and slight weed you had grown accustomed to the past few weeks. It wasn’t the most pleasant thing to linger in the air, but it was hers. It was the smell you always associated with the burnout. Every time there was smoke in the air, your mind drifted to her dark brown eyes and pale skin. You could feel yourself smiling as you thought about the faint freckles that littered her skin. When she settled into her seat, the bleached-haired girl kept her tired gaze on the front of the class. You couldn’t help but let your eyes drift onto her face, watching her expression. The girl’s eyes seemed flat like sleep was not a thing she had seen in a long time. You could see the bags beneath the blond's eyes, giving her a more grunge vibe that she seemed to be going for.
As your gaze poured into hers, you caught a small smile tugging at your lips. The gesture felt so natural; you couldn't force something like that around the blond. Her head turned, dreary green eyes meeting yours. The moment your eyes meet a mini firework show starts to play in your body. A storm of butterflies flows in your stomach, and goosebumps cascade down your arms. Despite how uninterested her gaze seemed, it made your heartbeat quicken. A slight feeling of unease began to settle alongside the butterflies. You'd been staring and longing for a girl who you hardly knew and who didn’t know you. To have been caught staring made a tiny bout of embarrassment swirl in your mind. You caught yourself quickly turning your gaze away from the girl, head down and away. There was always the choice of making all of these mistakes. It had been your first time getting caught, so if she questioned you about the staring, the incident could be brushed off as some coincidence. Keeping your head down for the rest of the class seemed to be the wise choice. You wouldn’t have any more run-ins with the stranger, avoiding potentially embarrassing situations. Unfortunately, you had never been blessed with the option to quit while you were ahead.
The stranger was beyond stunning and made your heart twist with the slightest of actions. You couldn’t just stop sneaking small glances at her, even if you faintly felt like a creep for doing so. When you finally let your eyes glance back to her, there was a hint of a smile against her pale lips. The sight made the butterflies in your stomach take flight once more. The thought that she was smiling at you crossed your mind, and your helpless heart ran with it. You, to your knowledge, had been the last thing she was looking at, so it made sense she was smiling at you. What she was smiling about was the main question. It could range from how you looked to the shame that was so visible across your features. You hoped it was the former, but you wouldn’t be too bothered if it was the former. You don’t think you could ever get tired of how her vapid eyes crossed yours. It was a sense of acknowledgment that was so rare to recessive from the people you found attractive. To be given the hints that she might feel the same spark was something your delusional brain would hold onto.
As you observed the stoner, you couldn't help but feel an ill-informed rush of adoration. It felt pitiful for you to hope for her, but you could dream. Dreams were tethered to reality, so your dream didn’t have to lay stagnant and wasted. What broke your concentration would be the sound of the bell ringing in the air. The sound always signified that your daydreams of this girl had to end. The thought of not leaving the class was promising and felt like the right call to make. You wouldn’t stay in the class forever, only till you could approach this mystery girl. The promising ideals and illusions seemed too grand for you to pass up such an opportunity.
Maybe with the little time spent alone in this classroom, you would be able to learn more and allow your crush to fester inside. Your ideas wouldn’t have to spiral into the most mundane details of what this stunning girl would be like. You could suck up the wafting scent of weed for the chance of her raspy voice to fill your ears and your ears only. Names could be exchanged, and you could finally stop with the not-so-subtle code names you and your friends gifted to her. The most common code names varied from stoner girl, blond chic, journalism girl, and that beautiful stranger. The names were beyond basic, but neither you nor your friends knew who she was, so it worked. The chance to be able to get to know her would be a step in the direction you desperately desired. Who knows what else you could share in the brief meeting you held right at your fingertips? You could go past name-sharing and start a conversation about other classes or after-school activities. The moment seemed to be ripped straight out of one of those cheesy rom-com movies where you brush your hands together for a moment, then you two start seeing each other everywhere.
Then, again, the moment could turn into one of those fairy tales you had outgrown so long ago. Where one meeting grew into a life-lasting bond, and each bump in the road ended in stronger devotion. The idea seemed too idealistic to hold any validity. You didn’t have any confirmation that this girl also liked girls, but you had taken the assumption just by looking at her. Thinking about it for too long felt wrong, but you had high hopes that she would like girls so you could have some chance with her. The bleach-blond girl didn’t seem like the type to fall for any of that meet-cute nonsense anyway. The idea that the first meeting was perfect was too far-fetched to be true. Your daydreaming cost you the pristine moment you had captured in your head. When you snapped yourself back into reality, she was already gone. There was nothing left of the beat of eye contact you had shared. She had vanished from the classroom just as quickly as she appeared in your life. The stoner left you with the last few stragglers feeling downcast yet even more determined to get to know this girl. For now, this green-eyed, snarky girl would have to remain a stranger. She would keep the title she unknowingly held to the two of you would cross paths the next day.
From that day forward, whenever you glanced at the pale-skinned girl, you would sometimes catch her eyes lingering on you. When you first noticed the pattern, you couldn’t help the thrill you experienced. The pretty girl that you had grown feelings for the entirety of the first half of the semester was starting to show small signs of interest in you. You couldn’t quite figure out what interest you had peaked within the stoner. The interest could range from a mocking curiosity, the yearning for friendship, to the pining you experience that refused to dissipate from your heart. The more often the looks the two of you shared, the more it fed it to your wishes of becoming something real, something you could hold close to you. She had even started to show up to class more often. You tried to place the act as a normal response for skipping class too many times, but you couldn’t help but think it was also for you. You knew it wasn’t right to believe she showed up just for you, but you wanted to hold onto the feeling for a while. It wasn’t too bad to feed into your delusions ever so often. That is why you decided to take a brash move, feeling as if whatever was growing was taking too long to surface. Your regular seat, diagonal from the bleach-blond, was abandoned in favor of the seat right next to hers. The change felt awkward and too forward, but needed. Your fingers drummed against the plastic material of the desk, a soft rhythm coming from your fingers. You usually watched the door, waiting for the stoner to walk in, but today, you held your head downward. You didn’t think you could meet the girl’s eyes today, feeling that the shift in seats was more silent words than the glances you threw at each other every day in class. You could hear the sounds of footsteps growing closer to the seat, quickly followed by the familiar scent of weed that emitted from the stranger.
There was a small creek from the plastic chair as the weight got added to the chair. You didn’t need to look up to know who was sitting in the seat beside you. A small look at her blond hair and leather jacket secured your thoughts. You felt a little idiotic to keep referring to the girl by the made-up code names. Even in your thoughts, the stoner went by the names she didn’t know she had. You should have paid attention to attendance on the first day so you wouldn't keep referring to her like this. The distance you and her held felt comforting and so suffocating at the same time. It felt like any moment, you could explode into a million pieces. Yet, having the girl so close was something you had worked up the courage to do. You didn’t think the blond would act, so that left it in your hands to take the first step closer. The plan was working out in your favor. She didn’t seem bothered by presents, so you took it as a sign to keep silently sitting next to her. The dull buzz of chatter from other classmates faded from your hearing. All that filtered through your ears was your heartbeat and the continued low drumming of your fingers on the desk. The drumming was a tiny distraction to the barrage of butterflies that infested your stomach. With each breath you took, you swear you could feel the flutter of small wings in your body. You didn’t know what seemed to bring you two together; that was a lie; the school schedule did that, but there was an urge to call whatever it was fate. Maybe fate allowed you to sit next to the stoner, but you didn’t mind what it was. You met this girl and formed a crush that made you want to burst wherever she looked your way. With how the blond looked back at you when you caught her smiling, you only hoped she felt the same way. She gave you hope that once felt stupid to believe in but now felt all too plausible. It was some innocent crush you got to experience because of what was supposed to be an utterly uneventful class. A class you once did not care for had allowed you to have a more long-lasting crush rather than something that stayed for a day or two. All of this occurred with a girl whose name you didn’t even remember.
You then felt a tap of a boot against your shoe. The feeling made your head snap up, slightly confused by the sudden touch. You looked over where the tap came from, meeting eyes with the blond girl. This was the first time you got to look at her face like this. Her eyeliner seemed too perfect to be done by a human. It made her normally tired eyes pop, making you want to stare at them for a while longer. The blond's lips arched into a hint of a smile as she took in your appearance. There was a moment where neither of you spoke, waiting for the other to make the first move. You knew that you weren’t going to do anything first. She was the one who had tapped you, so you rightfully thought she should be the one to say something. Besides, your throat felt too dry, and your brain was too scrambled to form a proper sentence. If you tried to speak, your words were going to come out too quiet or too manic to ever make sense of. Thankfully, you didn’t have to say anything. The stoner beat you to the punch, talking in her raspy yet soothing voice, “Hey, I’m Nat. I don’t think we have been introduced, but better to do it now than never.” There was a twinge of awkwardness in Nat’s voice as she spoke, but you hardly registered what she was saying. All you caught was her name, Nat. She no longer had to be called the placeholders labeled her as. Now, to you, she was Nat, the girl who had captured your heart through shy smiles and awkward looks. It didn’t matter what her name was, however. Just because you got her name, it didn’t mean anything would change. Nat would still be your beautiful stranger.
“Shauna would be okay with being queer if she wasn’t in love with Jackie and Jackie would be okay with being in love with Shauna if that didn’t make her queer.” -someone on twitter.
Pairing Shauna Shipman x reader
not stated by name but faint hints of Shauna x Jackie
An: This was inspired by Van and Tai being little haters in episode 6 and how they JackieShauna shippers. Made this little drabble while I work on part 2 of Straight to the heart.
CW; none just some making out
You stood in the opening of Shauna's hut, a small smile on your face. You wanted to spend some time with your kind of girlfriend. There were no labels on anything, but you saw Shauna like a girlfriend. Besides, it wasn't like Shauna was seeing anyone else. You and Shauna did what normal couples did but without labels or what Shauna considered to be sappy. She seemed more content with having the physical aspect of relationships than the emotional value of one.
You watched as Shauna sat on the ground of her hut, sharpening her knife. She had the same brooding expression as she always did. Shauna seemed to wear a resting bitch face at all moments of the day. She looked up from her spot on the ground, her lips forming a thin line. "Hey, Sha… Shipman," you greeted, stepping into the hut. Shauna seemed annoyed at you using her name, but her expression shifted as you corrected yourself.
"Hey," Shauna greeted in a gruff tone. She didn't stop sharpening her knife when she spoke to you. You walked closer to her, standing close by. A silence fell over the two of you, the sound of metal against wood filling the air. "Are you here for something?" Shauna spoke out, seemingly annoyed by the quiet. Your hands went down to your pants, rubbing against the side of the fabric. You awkwardly rolled on the heels at Shauna's question. You didn't come to Shauna's hut for anything tangible; you desired to be able to spend some time with her. "Not for any defined reason," you shook your head as you spoke. Shauna stared up at you, her brown eyes shimmering in the sunlight that showed into the hut.
She stood up, the stick leaning against the wooden wall of the hut, the knife now lying down by the sharpened stick. Shauna's arms were crossed under her chest as she stared at you. You took another step closer to Shaun, a smile creeping on your lips. "Do you want something, Shipman?" You teased, and your upper body leaned towards her. Shauna shrugged, a neutral expression resting on her face. She seemed to look past you, looking at something in the distance. The expression on her face then flashed something that looked like a mix of guilt and anger. As quick as her expression shifted it returned to how it usually was. She moved closer towards you, hands moving to rest on your back. Her touch was firm against your skin as she stood ahead of you. "Maybe I do," Shauna nodded, her fingers digging into your clothes. She hastily pressed her lips against your own, her body rocking against yours. Your eyes shut, letting Shauna's lips move steadily on yours.
Your hands drifted to Shauna's shoulder, finding the edges of her flannel. You were tempted to push it off so you could run your hands along her skin. You didn't bother acting on your thoughts, letting Shauna take the lead. She liked to have control and take things how she wanted. You were content in having the chance to taste her lips against yours. The force of how she kissed you was expected. Shauna had so much repressed anger and needed an outlet for it. The choices for how to use that anger were limited; you knew what happened to Lottie.
Shauna's tongue slipped past your lips, your eyes slightly peering open at the sensation. Despite her rough nature, Shauna tasted divine. You weren't sure what she saw in you or why she let this go on, but you wouldn't question it. If it meant being able to have her in some way, you would take it. You fully opened your eyes to get a better look at Shauna. Her body was tense, but seemed to somewhat enjoy it. "Shauna," you sighed against her lips, a smile returning onto your face.
Shauna bit down against your lip, a stinging sensation jolting through your body. You grip her shoulders harder and your eyes wide. Her eyes narrowed, and her face filled with annoyance. You could feel the slight tug on your lip as a low grumble came from Shauna's throat. Blood slowly drips from your lip as Shauna pulls back. Against her lips was the bright and undigestible color of blood. It was a sight you and everyone else had seen before, but it seemed to pull you close to her. Her glare was fixated on you, almost like she was staring past you once more. Her grip on your back tightened as she spaced out. Shauna didn't say anything, her eyes telling the whole story. Desperation and anger brimmed in her eyes as she looked past you. "Shauna?" You repeated quietly, trying to divert some of her attention back onto you. It took a moment, but Shauna phased out of whatever trance took her. Shauna's gaze hardened again, her brown eyes peering directly at you.
"I told you not to call me that," Shauna replied, frustration peaking into her words. You fiddled with the collar of Shauna's flannel, her body leaning up under your touch. She had berated you before about using her name while making out. You didn't understand why Shauna was adamant about this. Her fingers dug into your clothed side, waiting for you to speak. Her intimidating glare never left you as her brown eyes watched your facial movements. "Right, Shipman," you nodded as you corrected yourself. Shauna seemed appeased by the correct, her grip on your sides relaxing. Her gaze didn't ease, however, remaining stoic and menacing. You brought a hand up to Shauna's cheek, pressing your palm against her skin. She didn't complain about your touch but didn't lean into it.
"Say it again," Shauna demanded. Her tone was more desperate and needy than it had been previously. Her hips pressed firmly against yours, causing your back to lean further into the wall of the hut. "Shipman," you answered in an unsure tone. Shauna's breathing grew slightly labored, and her gaze softened. Her lips quickly attached to yours in a harsh kiss. She pulled you flat against her front, her eyes snapping shut. You quickly recuperated the action, closing your eyes as well. Your fingers danced on the skin of her cheek, your breathing slower than Shauna's. Your mouth slightly parted, and Shauna took advantage of it, her tongue slipping into your mouth. The taste of blood and saliva mixed against both of your mouths. Shauna was greedy and desperate with the way she kissed, wanting and seeking power over you. This instance was no different from the other times you were together. You could feel how her nails dug into your skin, an attempt to keep you as close as possible. She broke away for a moment, her eyes more desperate and uncertain. Her grip against your shirt never faulted, even when her breath grew shaky.
You felt the slight metal tange of blood against your tongue. Your face slightly scrunched up at the taste, taking a moment to let it fade. Shauna didn't seem bothered by it, or she didn't show it. You let your hand against Shauna's cheek drift down to her shoulder. Shauna then took a step back, running a hand through her hair. "You okay?" You took a step back from Shauna. She let out a small huff at the question but nodded her head anyway, "Yeah, perfect." Her tone clearly showed the exact opposite of what she was telling you. You didn't question Shauna; it usually made her angry at you. She hastily moved away, moving the cuff of her flannel upwards. "Bye, Shipman," You called after Shauna as she walked away.
Hi, I don't know if it's your kind of thing, but would you write a Lottie Matthews x reader, in s3 with all the mushrooms and everything... I don't have a fully formed idea...anyway thanks
The wind spreads the spores
Pairing: Lottie Matthews x Reader
A/n: I hope I didn't make you wait too long for this. I also hope you enjoy what I have written! I also don't know how to write a person who is high lol
Word count: 3.9k
CW: getting high, but that is implied
Was silence a good thing? You couldn't answer that question for yourself anymore. There was always some noise that invaded your senses in the wilderness. It could have been the chatter of the other girls or the noises of animals. Whatever it was, the noises always seemed to be there. You could be having dinner or trying to fall asleep. It didn't matter what you were; the words persisted. The sounds were wisps against your ears, soft mummers of unrecognizable words. When you attempted to tune yourself into the words, the words became more distorted. These words weren't one of your thoughts. It was like having another voice in the back of your mind. The voice was low and taunting, which you had never heard before. It had come to the point where you would do anything to stop it. You had thought about talking with someone else about it, but you worried you sounded like a lunatic. Who wouldn't think you were crazy if you mentioned hearing voices in the back of your mind? Amid your desperation, there came an idea. Everyone knew Lottie seemed to have some connection to whatever was out here. She held small spiritual connections, trying to help others tune themselves into the world around them. You had seen but never participated in the rituals she held in the winter. It was too crazy for your liking, something that seemed unreal. However, there was a part that was curious about what Lottie knew. Could she talk with the wilderness like she had said? The night she randomly started speaking French, though it was a while ago, it seemed like a sign.
When Javi died, Lottie made it out to be a sign, and now Nat was the “leader”. Though it was far-fetched, you needed some way to get these sounds out of your head. You couldn’t stand the unrecognizable whispers or the feeling of being watched. Now prepared with your reasoning, you decided to take the chance that Lottie knew some way to help you. You stood up and got yourself out of the miniature hut. The hut was a safety netting for you, a place away from the other girls. You scanned your eyes around the clearing of the self-built camp. A few girls were basking in the sun, enjoying their victory of Capture the Bone. Lottie, meanwhile, was staring off into space, a distant look in her eyes. She was sitting on a log in the clearing of the camp. Her hands were neatly folded in her lap, her dark brown hair slightly drifting with the breeze. You slowly approached Lottie, your steps soft and timid. Dangerous wasn’t the word to describe Lottie; she was more influential. That influence made her someone to be wary of. You sat beside Lottie, your hands planted on the bark. You looked up at Lottie, staring into her eyes. As if she snapped out of a trance, Lottie looked over toward you. A small smile wrapped across her features as Lottie looked over to you.
She seemed to enjoy being in the company of another person. “Hey, Lottie,” you greeted, your hand slightly messing with a piece of loose bark. You hadn’t spoken to her alone in a while. You had avoided all the nonsense she had been spouting about the wilderness. “Hello,” Lottie shifted slightly towards your body, “need something?” Your hands continued to fiddle with the edges of the bark before you spoke. The high-pitched whispers and chills that ran along your skin were growing. “I need to ask for a favor from you,” you started, a slight edge to your voice, “I have been hearing things, not the typical animal sounds. I think it might be hunger talking, but I wanted your advice.” When you finished speaking you moved your eyes away from Lottie. You didn't want to admit that, feeling embarrassed at admitting such a thing. There had been worse things to admit, but telling someone you were hearing things was a reason for concern. You knew whatever Lottie would judge you for, if she judged you at all, would be hypocritical. You suddenly felt a warmth against your body. A warmth that had been missing for a long time.
You glanced upwards, finding Lottie’s hand against your own. Her hand was coarser than you had thought it would have been like. You accompanied that attribute to how the wilderness had shaped her.
When you found her eyes there was a sharp and twisting feeling that hooked into your stomach. There was more excitement and joy than sympathy in her eyes. She seemed more than happy to hear what was going on with you. “Can you hear it?” Lottie asked, though she didn't say it like a question. It was more like she had made a connection than she had an observation. She interlocked your hands together, her brown eyes still locked on you. “It’s a gift. You need to embrace this, embrace it,” Lottie stood up, dragging you up with her. As much as you enjoyed the warmth of the small connection, you pulled your hand away from Lottie’s grasp. “I don't want to embrace it. I need a way to minimize it, or at least stop hearing things,” your voice slightly restricted when you spoke. You didn't like what you had out here; no one did. Lottie had made it out to be the wilderness wants and desires that it was meant to happen. You didn't want to press the guilt on what you had done on an imaginary entity. Your actions were yours to live with. “Just try it; you wanted my help. I can help you with whatever is going on. Just give it a chance,” Lottie’s smile faltered. She seemed genuine with her words. Your breath hitched, thinking over what could be the harm in trying. The best case was that whatever was going on with you would stop. The worst case was that the whispers and chills didn't stop, and you would keep living with it. Your expression shifted to one of nervousness and hesitation. You let out a small sigh, deciding to go along with whatever Lottie had in mind. You weren't sure she knew how to help, but you asked. You sought her advice, so it only made sense to take what was offered. “Yeah, let's do it,” you returned your gaze to Lottie. You watched as her expression lit up at your words. She took your hand in hers, quickly walking off towards the forest. You two walked further away from the camp and into the woods.
The whispering of the wind was still present, becoming more of a buzzing sound in your ears. Your face slightly scrunched up at the noise as it became more present. The words were still unclear, but you could hear it all. The voice you hadn’t heard before. At this point, you assumed that you were going crazy. Lottie’s wilderness nonsense was not a good enough reason for all this. When she finally let your hand go, you looked at your surroundings. You haven't paid attention to where Lottie had led you, wrapped up in your thoughts to notice. Lottie beamed towards you as she took a seat on the ground. She held a small cup filled with water, a mushroom, and a rock. “So, how is this supposed to help me?” You asked, skepticism laced in your tone. You sat beside her, watching as she placed the mushroom against a rock. “You will be letting in and accepting the wilderness,” Lottie beamed when she spoke. Her smile made you think that it could work. She seemed so confident that whatever she was going to do would help you. “If you are hearing things, you need to embrace it. Let it speak to you; understand what it will tell you,” Lottie continued. Her voice was soothing and melodic. She spoke in a way that made you think she had done this before. She placed the mushroom against a flat rock close by. She then picked up another rock, scrutinizing it. After nodding in approval, Lottie started to crush the mushroom up. You watched as the once intact mushroom crumpled and flattened against the rock. You didn’t know what Lottie intended with the mushroom, but you held some trust in her. Lottie was your friend, a teammate you had known for years. Even with all the nonsense she had been rambling off, you trusted Lottie.
After the mushroom was properly smushed up, Lottie took a small scoop and sprinkled it into the water. The bits of the mushroom swirled around, mingling with the water. Lotto seemed proud of her hand's concoction, eagerly handing it over to you. “Lottie,” you muttered, hesitantly taking the drink from her hands, “are you sure this is safe?” Lottie nodded her head, bringing the cup up towards your lips. “It is perfectly fine, trust me. You wanted help; this is what I think is best,” Lottie’s big brown eyes stared into yours. She was waiting, hoping you would take her advice.
You glanced down towards the water, hands slightly shaking. The last time anything happened with mushrooms, it ended in destruction. You weren’t even sure these mushrooms were like that, but you had a feeling they were. You took in a deep inhale, thinking over your options once more. It was either to deal with the nagging voices or start drinking. Even if it was only a temporary solution, it was a fix to your problem. You held the cup up to your mouth, drinking in the water. The feeling of the water left a slight tingle on your tongue. It didn't have much of a flavor to it, but the feeling remained on your tongue.
You looked over to Lottie, watching her soft smile. Her hands were neatly folded in your lap, her eyes never leaving you. She was waiting for the effects, and you were as well. “It is going to be a minute; just relax,” Lottie hummed, taking your hand. You held onto Lottie’s hand tightly, taking in a sharp inhale. The air was cold in your lungs despite the warmer weather. You sat there for a moment, waiting and listening. You felt a tingling sensation run along your body. The feeling wasn't cold, it felt relaxing. Your gaze shifted from Lottie down to your limbs. Goosebumps ran along your arms and legs. You snapped your hand away from Lottie, your eyes growing wider. The world looked more vibrant than it had before. The trees looked greener, and the sky seemed more bright. Your mouth was slightly gapped as you pushed yourself upwards. You stumbled forward, pushing yourself against a tree. Your gaze moved up towards the leaves, watching them away. Your hands are firmly planted against the tree to stabilize yourself. You heard the crunch of the leaves as Lottie stood up behind you. “I feel nothing, yet everything,” you muttered in amazement.
You ran your hand along the trees, feeling the rough exterior. There were no noises, no words, nothing to worry about. All you could hear was Lottie and the sounds of the wind. You turned around, leaning your back up against the tree. A small laugh emitted from your lips as your head tilted. You didn't know where the laugh had come from, but it felt right. You looked at Lottie, a dopey expression spreading across your face. Lottie looked at you, a slight smile turning up her lips. She remained in front of you, watching your reactions. The way she stared at you with such gentleness made your heart flutter. Her dark brown eyes that bore into yours were stunning. You stared helplessly at Lottie, a small laugh emitting from you. Lottie’s smile slightly grew as she moved back towards another tree. She sat down against the ground, back leaning up against a tree. She kept her eyes on you, patting the spot beside her. “Why don't you sit with me?” Lottie asked, her tone soft and smooth. You complied with her request, stumbling towards her. You flopped against the ground, another laugh leaving your lips. “You’re so high,” Lottie smiled towards you, eyes soft and loving. You slightly rolled over towards Lottie, another laugh leaving your lips, “I am so high.” There was a moment of silence when you two stared into each other’s eyes. She looked so pretty in the shade. Her hair looked so soft; you wanted to run a hand through it. “It’s okay to be scared,” Lottie’s voice broke through the silence. Her hand inched slightly towards you. Upon hearing Lottie’s words, your expression dropped somewhat.
You didn't want to be told how to feel. “Not push it all down, y’know?” Lottie continued. You shifted yourself to sit upwards. You let out a small huff at the comment, finding it a little hypocritical. You knew your method of shoving things down wasn't the best, but Lottie had no room to talk. She spoke to the forest like it was a living thing. Your back pressed against the tree's bark, feeling it protrude against your skin. Your fingers guided themselves to the edge of your shorts, clutching the fabric. There were lots of people who had it worse.
All that was happening with you was some weird voices in your ears. "What about Shauna; she has it worse than anyone?" You grumbled, an edge to your voice. Lottie's method of help was a temporary escape from what was going on with you. You didn't want her to go on about what you were feeling. Everyone already had so much to worry about already. Lottie also had her issues, so you didn't see why she was keen on helping others. She spoke about trying to help others, but she didn't want to get herself any help. You assumed her way of dealing with what was going on was the wilderness. To you, that was what made the most logical sense. Lottie wasn't excellent at the primary skills of cooking, hunting, or anything medical-related, but she knew how to influence people. The power of influence had shifted to many people during your time in the wilderness. Lottie's influence wasn't as inherent as it had been, yet it still lingered.
"Pain is not a competition," Lottie spoke out. She paused for a moment as if trying to reclaim her thoughts. Her eyes turned away from you, looking out into the woods. "I did try to talk with her, but we," Lottie stopped herself from speaking again. She seemed to be trying to calculate each other and how it would affect you. It annoyed you how Lottie acted as if her words had some drastic effect on you. You tried to brush off the feeling she was only trying to help you. She was taking her time to make sure you were okay; you wanted to be grateful for that. Lottie was also trying to find some way to keep herself sane, so it wasn't fair to be annoyed at her. "She kind of shut me out. 'Needing a shrink doesn't make you a shrink,' quote unquote," Lottie finished, finally turning her gaze back onto you. Surprise took over you as you listened to Lottie's words. You had never thought a girl like her would need a shrink. Before the crash, Lottie seemed like a normal person. She had a very well-off family and acted like a normal, popular girl. The idea of a girl like her needing a shrink was out of the question. She never showed any signs or was good at hiding it. The way she spoke about it almost without a care concerned you. You moved closer towards Lottie, your body turned towards her. You wanted to reach out and comfort her in some way. The expression on her face held hints of despair. You took a short breath, debating whether to ask her about it. "You had a shrink?" Your voice came out a little curious but held hints of worry.
Lottie turned her head back to face you, her brown eyes staring directly at you. All evidence of sadness seemed to wash away from her expression. The change of emotions on Lottie's face was quick like she had never wanted you to see her like that. "Shrinks. Plural," Lottie corrected. She briefly turned her head down, her arms loosely wrapped around her legs. Her hands slightly fiddled together as silence fell over the both of you. The sounds of the wind filled your ears once more as silence took over. You were now fully sat up, arms resting on your knees. You had never gotten this personal with anyone before the crash or after. It felt weird to be hearing this about Lottie. Yes, you felt terrible for her, but it felt strange. You moved towards Lottie, awkwardly leaning yourself against her. You didn't know how to comfort her in the moment.
Lottie's expression changed again, a solemn frown turning into a grin. "Anyways, this is my therapy session, is it?" Lottie joked. Her attempt at a smile was visible. Feeling awkward, you moved off Lottie, leaning back against the tree. You didn't know what she had been through, so you didn't want to question it. Lottie was helping you with your problem, so it didn't feel right anyway. The confession made you think. Lottie had taken pills before the crash, preventing her from seeing things. Now that she didn't have the pills, the visions started coming back. Even in your current state, the pieces started to come together.
"Then it started happening again without the pills," your comment came out as more of a question. Your eyes flicked between Lottie and the ground. It was beginning to become more awkward as the conversation ran its course. What was supposed to be about the hushed whispers you heard had turned into Lottie's confession about shrinks and pills. "Till it stopped," Lottie sighed. The quiet weight is heavy on both you and Lottie. The voices drove you mad, but at least it filled the silence. Now that it was gone, you had to bear with the uncomfortable stillness. Your body froze, a buzz filling up the empty sound. You looked around, trying to figure out where it was coming from. Your fingers, which sat on your legs, started to dig into your skin. Your confused expression turned into worry as your head continued to look around. The quiet buzz slowly morphed into a soft, shrill bellow. "Lottie," you whispered, your tone shaky, "can you hear that?" You stumbled up to your feet, your body turning around. Your mind was spinning all around, new invasive sounds filling your senses. The noise was nothing like the gentle whispers you heard before. The howl was more invasive, and it was only growing in volume. Your eyes were wide, and your breathing started to grow heavier.
"No, do you hear something?" Lottie shook her head when she spoke. She leaned against her legs, her brown eyes studying your figure. You stumbled forward, the voices only growing louder. What once was a small soft squeal was turning into a sharp cry. Your gaze locked onto a tree, its shape twisting and flickering in your stare. "The trees," You muttered. You had never seen or heard anything like this before. Reality seemed to shift and bend; sounds and visions were a prime example. You stared at the tree, listening to it. The screams were completely screams; it was more like desperate cries. The tree flickered in your vision, wrapping in ways you never thought could happen. My breathing started to grow even more labored at the sound. "The trees are crying," your voice broke. The loud cry swelled in your ears the closer you went to the tree. You wanted the sounds to stop, but you wanted to get closer to the tree. You wanted to feel the pain, understand it. Your body starts to shake and your limbs feel weak. You didn't even register the fact that Lottie had stood up. She was making her way slowly behind you, watching. The sounds of her footsteps were muted by the growing wails of the trees.
You couldn't tell when the cries turned into screams, but it was a quick switch. The screams were pitiful, like that of a small child. "No, no, the trees are screaming," your voice cracked again. You made contact with the bark, feeling the rough exterior against your fingertips. Something you couldn't name that flashes before your eyes. The brief glimpse you caught looks at a towering and ominous figure. The cries then turned to screams that were shrill and deafening. You could feel your heart racing and your mind throbbing. The whispers were long gone, replaced by something you never wanted. The voices were so familiar but too distorted to tell who they were. Your body began to shake further, goosebumps running along your skin. The sound became too much for you, the screams becoming overwhelming. You let out an ear-splitting scream, your breath becoming ragged. Your hands went up to your head, pressing your body against the tree. The rise and fall of your chest was more rapid, and your screams grew louder. The voices and the distorted figures danced in your memory.
You felt Lottie's arms wrapped around your body. Her touch felt suffocating like she would squeeze you until you would pop. "Stop! Stop! It is not real!" Lottie shouted, her voice narrowly reaching your ears. You squirmed under Lottie's grasp, shuttered breaths escaping your lips. You pushed Lottie away, a look of terror in your eyes. Lottie's hands hold on tightly to your arms, trying to ground you to reality. The screams then dimmed in your ears, fading into nothingness. You took in strangled breaths, trying to regain control of yourself. When you managed to look up at Lottie, there was deep concern in her eyes. "You couldn't hear it?" Your hands went to grip Lottie's shoulders. You couldn't understand how Lottie couldn't hear such a thing. She had to have heard it; the sound was horrifying. You heard their screams, the screams of those you knew. Lottie noticed the look of terror in your eye, leading you to the ground. She wrapped her arms around you, her warmth entrapping you. "No, no, I didn't," Lottie muttered, keeping her arms against your back. Her comfort was lost to you, too concerned with what had happened. You have heard the voices that the screams belonged to before. Your stare was blank, fear overtaking your whole body. "You're going to hear it; everyone is going to hear them."
An: not my best work but I want to get something out. This is inspired by the beginning of The Bird song by Noah Floersch. Leave any constructive criticism you would like. I am also accepting requests if you would like to leave any.
CW: cursing and cheating, but besides that not much.
It had been a week, or maybe even months, since you and the rest of the soccer team had crashed in the wilderness. You had never kept track of the days, assuming that a rescue team was on its way. Hope lingered in the air, especially when the team found a cabin. It wasn't in the best condition, but it provided shelter.
Your days were spent doing small tasks, such as washing clothes, helping to cook food, or cutting wood. However, what you tried to focus on the most was getting your girlfriend's attention. You and Shauna had never made your relationship public, preferring to enjoy secret moments together—the hidden kisses behind bleachers and snuggling up close when staying at each other’s houses. Every moment with her was something you cherished.
You never knew what initially drew you to Shauna; it just happened. You couldn’t complain, though—having someone of your own was euphoric. There had been people before her, but they left you with heartache and despair. You had never intended to be hurt; nobody intends for that to happen, yet it always does. You had sworn to choose better people to be with, and everything seemed to connect with Shauna. You were sure her intentions were genuine.
Then everything changed when the plane crashed. The lives of the soccer team transformed drastically. What had once been a celebration of your achievements turned into a nightmare. The cheers and claps from your teammates were replaced by screams and tears. Everything was chaotic and continued to be so. Nothing could have prepared you, or anyone, for the struggle of survival in the wilderness.
The biggest surprise was how Shauna handled it all. At first, you thought she would be someone you could lean on, but you were mistaken. Shauna was no longer the girl who brought joy to your mundane life; she was now a shadow of herself. The facade she maintained for everyone else blocked out the person you once knew. You had originally thought she was coming to terms with the crash; during the first few days, everyone was freaking out, so there wasn’t much time to worry.
Now that some time has passed, you expect things to shift back to normal. Despite your many attempts to talk with Shauna, she never seemed to act as she did before the crash. Some days, she would talk and enjoy your company, but on others, she would avoid you as if you were contagious. You never knew which version of Shauna you would get on any given day. She had never acted this way when your relationship began; she used to be more affectionate in private, even if it was limited.
Even in the small moments you did share, nothing could trade your bliss with her. Whenever you were around the other girls, Shauna seemed to shut off completely. The lingering touches and wishful glances faded away on her part. Frequently, Shauna couldn’t even look you in the eyes. When you did manage to catch her gaze, it was filled with a mix of emotions—guilt, and fatigue seemed to cloud her deep brown eyes. Before the crash, her eyes could pierce through anyone; now, they appeared scared and shifty.
Whenever you tried to talk to Shauna, she made up some excuse to leave you alone. It seemed she was only talking to Tai and Jackie now. You weren’t surprised by her conversations with Jackie; they had been best friends for as long as anyone could remember. However, the hushed whispers between Tai and Shauna were new. Both of them would vanish from the group every once in a while, and when they returned, they wouldn’t talk about where they had been. You adjusted to Shauna’s absence, but it still hurt not having her around as much. You couldn’t even discuss it with her because she either wouldn’t go near you or was preoccupied with having her tongue in your
Not many words were shared between you and Shauna anymore; to her, you were merely a body. Someone she used for the time being, then dropped off when unneeded, only to pick you up again later. The shift in Shauna’s behavior left you both curious and worried. You wanted to know if it was something you had done. You didn’t think it was, but you could never be sure. One thing you knew would provide the answers you needed was Shauna’s journal. You recognized that it wasn’t the most honest way to seek information, but it would ease your mind.
Shauna had always protected her journal fiercely. No one could touch it without her getting defensive. Before the crash, you could occasionally sneak a glance at Shauna while she was writing, but she always kept her body turned away from you. You hadn’t minded the secrecy of her journal before; it was her private thoughts. Now, however, that ideology was thrown out the window. You needed to understand what was happening with your girlfriend and how to fix it. Despite the invasion of her privacy, you thought mending your relationship was more important. Besides, it wasn’t like anyone would notice.
Your plan was simple: find the journal, read some of the latest entries, and address whatever was troubling Shauna. You decided the perfect time to act would be when everyone was out of the cabin. Days like that weren’t too hard to come by; no one wanted to be cooped up in the dusty cabin. You scanned the area, searching for Shauna, and when you didn’t see her, you took it as your opening. Unsure of how long you had, you wanted to be quick.
You hastily entered the cabin, shutting the door softly behind you. Fortunately, no one was milling around. The cabin looked just as dilapidated as when you first arrived, and an eerie silence hung in the air. Your thoughts immediately turned to the attic, where you suspected the journal could be. You didn’t understand why anyone would choose to sleep up there; it was grimy and likely harbored more bugs than you cared to think about. Shauna had made her bed up there with Tai, so it made sense that all her belongings would be stored there as well.
You made your way towards the ladder, your body tense and your eyes darting around. The fear of being caught loomed heavily in your mind, but the potential reward outweighed the risk. As you climbed the ladder, you winced with every creak of the old wood; it felt as if the sounds were magnified, intent on revealing your presence. Each creak resonated in your ears, booming like thunder instead of producing a simple sound.
Pausing momentarily to let the quiet settle back in, you surveyed the attic. You spotted Shauna’s makeshift bed against the wall and carefully made your way over, kneeling beside it. Running your hands over the bedding, you searched for the journal. Nothing seemed out of place; it was the same as everyone else's. Frustration furrowed your brows as you stood up and dusted yourself off, trying to rid your clothing of the accumulated dust. The attic was a confined space, so your search shouldn’t take long. What you dreaded most was the possibility that Shauna had taken her journal with her, which would throw your entire plan off course.
You paced back and forth on the wooden floor, the sound of your shoes creating a faint creaking noise. Shauna's journal was still out of sight, and you weren't sure how much longer you had before she returned. Out of the corner of your eye, something dark caught your attention. It stood out against the wooden beams that supported the cabin, slightly protruding from one of them.
You approached it, placing a hand against the rough wood, feeling its coarse texture, and noticing some areas where it had chipped away. Standing on your toes, you reached up, grasping the object that was overhead. As you pulled it closer, your fingers glided over its smooth, leather-like surface. When you finally brought it down and looked at it, a wave of accomplishment washed over you as you recognized it as Shauna's journal.
You had seen her write in many journals and had looked back on even more. The one in your hands was the journal she had been writing in for the past couple of months, which likely held some answers. Taking a deep breath, you debated whether reading the journal was worth it. Ultimately, you decided that bridging the gap between you and Shauna was the most important thing.
You opened the leather cover to find blank pages staring back at you. You weren’t sure what to expect, but you felt certain you would find what you were looking for. The beginning of the journal was mundane, filled with thoughts about daily life and complaints, just as you would expect from Shauna. However, as you continued reading, the tone began to shift. The words became more spiteful and patronizing, directed at anyone and everyone, but particularly aimed at Jackie.
Shauna’s bitter words stained the pages, revealing a hidden resentment towards Jackie that no one else seemed to notice. Jealousy fueled her writing and most of her actions. It was clear that Shauna felt like nothing more than a shadow compared to her best friend, always expected to be by Jackie’s side.
You had no idea how many pages you had flipped through, nor did you care to remember. Getting insight into Shauna’s inner thoughts was too valuable to pass up. You stopped when you came across messier handwriting. The writing appeared rushed and shaky, causing your body to freeze as your eyes scanned the page.
"We did it again, Jeff and I. I didn’t plan on it, but it felt satisfying. I know it’s wrong; hell I have a girlfriend. I just needed some confirmation that I am better than Jackie. She doesn’t deserve everything she wants, and if I have to take action, I will—and I did. Some part of me feels bad for cheating on her, yet the bigger part feels ecstatic. I can have what Jackie has; I can be better than her at something. Neither of them will find out; they haven’t yet. I don't care about stupid nationals; what I want most is to see the pathetic look on Jackie’s face when she realizes I am better. I am not her little sidekick; she can’t just boss me around and pretend I don’t have an opinion. If getting this chance means I have to sleep with Jeff, I will continue to do it. Just because I’m with someone doesn’t mean I’ll stop. Jackie needs to be treated like everyone else, not like a fucking goddess, despite what everyone thinks."
That was where the entry had ended. The words stared back at you, a mocking reminder of what Shauna had done. This was why she was avoiding you, why she couldn’t stand to look you in the eyes. Pain swelled up within you as you reread the lines repeatedly. Maybe you hadn’t read it clearly; maybe she hadn’t actually gotten with Jeff. No matter how hard you wanted to believe otherwise, Shauna did get with Jeff. This wasn’t the first time such a betrayal had happened, as you could tell from the way she had written in her journal.
You flipped through the pages, your hand slightly shaking. You didn’t understand why Shauna would do this to you. Was her jealousy of Jackie so overwhelming that she disregarded you? It seemed that the urge to escape Jackie’s shadow was more important to her than her relationship with you. The realization that you weren’t enough to overcome her jealousy was maddening. Shauna had chosen to hurt Jackie, and you ended up caught in the crossfire.
You skimmed over a few more entries, struggling to hold back the tears that threatened to spill over. A few entries were about the crash and adapting to a new way of life. Your name appeared in the entries from time to time. From the way she wrote, it seemed Shauna felt slightly guilty for what she had done. You stopped at another entry, rubbing your fingers over the paper. The more you read from her journal, the more hurt seeped into your heart.
“Shit, shit, shit! Why did this have to happen? Everyone else is syncing up on their periods, yet mine is late. I can’t remember the last time I had one. Jesus, I think I’m pregnant. How can I even care for it? I don’t know what I’m doing, and it won’t survive out here. I don’t know what I’m going to do. My relationship would be ruined if it hadn’t already been ruined. I shouldn’t have gotten with him; I should have just gone home. She doesn’t deserve this; I shouldn’t have done this to her. What the hell am I going to do?”
Your grip on the book tightened, the pages slightly crumpling under your touch. Your chest heaved, and your breathing became a little heavier. Shauna cheated on you and was now pregnant with Jeff’s child. How did the perfect relationship you believed you had with her come to this?
You could feel the tears rolling down your cheeks at this point. You had tried your best with Shauna, and this was how your love was reciprocated. You never intended to be hurt by anyone; you didn’t think Shauna wanted to hurt you, but here you were. As small sobs broke through your throat, some of your tears dripped onto the pages. You didn’t care anymore if Shauna caught you reading her journal. She hadn’t cared enough about the relationship in the first place.
You felt stupid—stupid for trusting her, stupid for loving her, stupid for choosing her. Shauna was a killer, and she took your heart down with her.
