This Blog Is Out Of Order

~Indefinite Hiatus Ensues~ Sup, I'm a 18 y/o genderqueer t-rex from TN, once in TX and now in Cali. Call me whatever you want to idfc. I like bands n anime n tv shows n shit. Talk to me ✌️ ~Indefinite Hiatus Ensues~

[immatyrantlizard]

I have not logged on to this account in approximately a year. I haven't been active here for 3. But thank God for that holy shit? I've made so many friends through my new account. It's chill. But today I'm thankful for this vacant, inactive blog I've kept here. Because today I am. Done. I am a liar. I cannot do my job. I am worthless. I am pathetic. I am weak. I am sad. I am not good enough. I learned all these things again today at work. Both from my boss, and from other sources who just had to let me know while I was at work, making me cry after I've already had a bad enough day. I've not wanted to cut this real in y e a r s. I have not wanted to cut this badly in y e a r s. I have not felt this worthless or dead in y e a r s. Where better to write it down and get it out of my system than on a blog that's just as worthless and dead as I am rn lmao. Fuck this. Fuck this job. Fuck my situation. Fuck everything and fuck me for giving a fuck. I'm sick of everything. I didn't fucking as for any of this. I didn't ask for anything. I was pushed into management before I even knew I was a manager. I was born without anyone asking if I wanted to be. I was pushed and pushed and pushed and I have never done a single god damn thing for myself without some stigma of it's what someone else wants attached to it and I...am pathetic. Useless. Worthless. Sad. Weak. Inconsiderate. Deceptive. Bad. I am bad. I should not have . I should. I just. Whatever.

[boosthouse]

[dog-of-ulthar]

cbiscuitblog can you comment

[cbiscuitblog]

SURE. LET’S TRY THE LOVE SONG OF J. ALFRED PRUFROCK

Let us go then, you and I,

- At first, I thought this was just a terrible horse name, but then I thought: this is a racehorse, probably. ALL IT DOES IS GO. 9/10

When the evening is spread out against the sky

- Too much. Any horse named this is going to either read sad books about the fucking ocean all day or build a time machine to go back to the time of cowboys and shit. And then probably get cholera and die. 2/10

Like a patient etherized upon a table;

- FUCKING HEAVY METAL. But the ‘like’ makes it awkward. How would you even announce that? “Like, a patient etherized upon a table is at the gate? Like a patient etherized upon a table is raring to go. It’s a photo finish, but like a patient etherized upon a table won!” Rubbish. 8/10 for making those fucking announcers suffer.

Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,

- Okay but imagine a racing your horse through the empty streets of london against a fucking RACE CAR. FAST AND FURIOUS 18: THE HORSENING. 7/10

The muttering retreats

- No. No. No. No. No. No. No. The only possible benefit of this name is that it might confuse your opponent racers. YOU DON’T RETREAT IN A RACE. YOU BRAY AS LOUD AS YOU CAN (probably) AND TAKE TO THE FUCKING FIELD. 0/10

        5

Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels

- I like this one because it rejects the horses lineage. Nah, this isn’t a fucking purebreed, I just put two random horses that were drunk at a bar in a goddamn hotel and watched what happened. Yeah. That’s right. I watched. 9/10

And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:

- What? I just… that’s not a name. that’s a series of nouns adjectives conjunctions prepositions and punction-things. I do like oyster tho. 5/10

Streets that follow like a tedious argument

- Okay, I like the streets, but tedious? Really? No. Your horse isn’t tedious. All horses are FUCKING RIVETING. 4/10

Of insidious intent

- Yep. 10/10

To lead you to an overwhelming question….

- WHAT QUESTION ARE YOU LEADING ME TO, HORSE? HOW YOU LEARN TO TALK? I DON’T WANT TO KNOW HOW YOU LEARNED TO TALK, HORSE, THERE ARE THINGS MAN WASN’T MEANT TO KNOW. 7/10

        10

Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”

- This is perfect is you have a fucking weird horse. 8/10

Let us go and make our visit.

- Only really appropriate if you use this horse to go meet up with friends. You’re just sitting with your room and they’ll be like, “I want to go see Jeff, but I don’t know how to get there!” And you’ll be like “LET US GO AND MAKE OUR VISIT” and your horse will buRST THROUGH THE FUCKING DOOR WEARING A FUCKING BEAUTIFUL-ASS CAPE 11/10

[immatyrantlizard]

If I was a brave person I wouldn't be sitting here now typing this. I would have been long dead two winters ago when my best friend found me crying alone in my room with blood staining everything I touched. If I was a brave person I would have been long dead two winters ago when I got halfway then cried and told my father I didn't want to live. If I was a brave person I would have been dead fifteen minutes ago when the tears started to choke me and the knives started looking like an old friend instead of a mental scar. If I was a brave person I would just fucking do it. I would just fucking do it and get it over with, say to hell with a beating heart and write a note asking my mom to take care of my dog, telling them all I'm sorry when I'm really not. If I was a brave person, I would be dead right now and only a small few of you would know. But I'm not a brave person. I'm a fucking coward. I'm afraid to live, and afraid to die, and afraid of everything in between. I'm a coward, terrified that I'm wrong, that there is a God and that I'll be damned to eternal punishment. I'm a coward, a god damn coward.

[immatyrantlizard]

An unofficially official goodbye of sorts

I’m pretty sure no one has noticed my absences recently. Those who have have also likely seen the posts that I've made about where I’m hiding out on an entirely different blog. I've been putting off openly acknowledging that, for now, I’m abandoning this blog almost entirely. Yes, kids, you read that right. immatyrantlizard.tumblr.com is, as of now, predominantly out of commission. 

This isn’t something I ever thought I would find myself doing. For years, this blog was my safe haven. I could share and say what I wanted and post the things I like, but today...tonight...for a while...I have been unable to shake how much I put off logging on. I’m sorry if any of you actually enjoyed my blog, but I just can’t deal with it. Please, don’t abandon me. One day I’ll be back, and I’m sure my normal posting will resume. I just don’t know when that will be. 

I wanted to give everyone who wants it a good explanation, and a goodbye, so I’m going to. I put off, and put off and put off the fact that -I wanted a new blog- that had almost no connections to this one post-wise. One night, though, I decided to hell with it and created and entirely new account dedicated to Attack on Titan. It sounds kind of pathetic, I know. Why couldn’t you just post it here? Well...this blog has...standards at this point. It’s rooted into a multifandom and bandom blog, and it’s been like this for going on four (or maybe five, I can’t remember) years now, and I’m not about to completely dedicate it to one thing.

That being said, I also don’t...ever...feel...like...even looking at anything that I would normally post here. Supernatural? Bores the fuck out of me in the mentality I’m in currently. Doctor Who? Haven’t watched since Day of the Doctor. Sherlock? Don’t make me laugh. Music? I can’t tell you the last time I sat down and just listened. Tattoos? Piercings? Funny stupid text posts? None of it appeals to me. 

So, I did what felt right, what didn't feel like betraying my followers. I made a new blog, I dedicated it to anime, and now I blog my little heart out when I’m not reading fanfiction. Because that’s all I do, guys. I read fucking Attack on Titan fanfiction while dreaming up Attack on Titan AUs while waiting for new Attack on Titan manga updates while trying to force myself to rewatch some of my old favorite anime or get into a new anime. Yet, here I am, betraying my followers anyway because I just can’t juggle this blog right now.

I told someone recently that I’m so much happier than I used to be. It’s true, but it’s also one of the biggest lies I’ve ever told. Maybe I am a lot happier, but really I’m just sad in a different way, over different things, now. I don’t admit to who my father is, so his shame has been taken from my back. His side of the family has all but abandoned me, so I don’t have to deal with that. I’m no longer actively trying to fit into a new environment while making it through school. I don’t have any of the same worries that I did.

I’m more alone than I’ve ever been. Maybe I mentioned it, maybe I didn’t, but I moved again, and now I’m in California on a base where I haven’t met anyone and I’ve been here since January. I don’t have outside communications, and I don’t worry about work or school anymore. I freak out about how I missed all my college deadlines and so I won’t start in the fall. I freak out about how my driving test was cancelled. I freak out about how I’m alienated from my friends. I freak out wondering what I do with my time, why I can’t get my head out of the clouds, and I know that any time I’m not neck deep in something Attack on Titan related...I’m drowning. My worries changed and warped who I was, and I’m sorry.

I never, ever wanted to feel like this. I never thought that logging on here would make me feel like crying, or actually force me to tears as it often does, but the sad truth is that I cannot, absolutely cannot stand looking at this dashboard, looking at this blog, looking at what I’ve lost. I’ll turn my blind eye, and I’m so fucking sorry. None of you probably care, though. I’m just a person behind a url, typing away and writing off my oldest outlet as something I can’t stand, and it doesn’t really effect any of you...so much so that no one will probably make it to the end of this rambling post.

I know I’m just one sad soul who hasn’t done anything to deserve a second glance from anyone, and I’m okay with that. No one has noticed I’ve been gone so far, and I doubt anyone will at this point. That’s really okay, I don’t mind. A few followers have journeyed over to my new blog just to keep tabs on me, and I thank you so much for that, for making me feel important. All 409 of you are important to me, and that isn’t counting the people that I follow. If I add them, there’s so many people who have made an impact on me in some way. I never thought I would close this chapter in my life, whether it be permanently or not.

With everything being said...Goodbye, sort of. Maybe I’ll pop on every now and then, I’ll keep up with any messages sent here, and maybe you’ll see a post or two that I don’t want to put up on my new blog, but consider this blog on a hiatus until further notice. No matter what posts you see, no matter what messages I reply to, this blog is all but inactive at this point. There isn’t a reason for me to keep up with it outside of my friends, and I do a piss poor job of keeping up with them.

Maybe I’m pathetic, but right now I don’t want to be a liar. As I said, I told someone recently that I’m happy now. As it is, Attack on Titan is my life force, and I don’t want to or feel like pushing that on any of you. So, I’m going to continue to reside on my other blog. I’m going to keep letting it put a smile on my face, and I’m going to keep forgetting about all of this sadness that this blog brings to me. I’m going to march on; I’m going to read more fanfiction than any one person should; I’m going to watch my armada of ships sail; I’m going to bleed my obsession all over everything I do because that’s just what makes me happy right now. 

After I post this, I’m going to log out, then I’m going to log back in...with another email address, another url, another me. Someone happy, someone so comfortable in their own skin, someone who can’t find the time to be upset. Right now, I’m going to abandon this shell of a person and blog, and I’m going to do everything I can to keep myself happy until the day comes that I can get back on this blog and not feel like I’m in over my head.

Goodnight, my friends. I hope life treats you well while I’m gone, and I promise I’ll be back. I swear that if you need me, I’m only a few keys away. Trust that you can still send a message to this blog and it will be seen at some point, but know that you should go to attackonwhatnow.tumblr.com if you want good contact. Should anyone worry, please remember I’m okay. I love you guys. Goodnight, friends, and goodbye for now.

[immatyrantlizard]

sad just isnt the right word but depressed is something im tired of admitting

[tidesrollout]

orginal

[outcrying]

car radio - twenty one pilots versus jet pack blues - fall out boy

[canadad-deactivated20171111]

i feel like tall people at concerts have everything they want in the world

[zelvars]

[immatyrantlizard]

to burn up forever or light up a spark

[gedankenwodka-blog1]

[lifebykgs-deactivated20140523]

#teamtryingtogetmyfuckinglifetogether

[alltimelow60]

[skaletal-deactivated20190721]

That point in a piece of fanfiction where you can tell something embarrassing is about to happen so you start fucking around on tumblr because you’re a huge baby with a crippling overabudance of empathy.

[kvotheunkvothe]

I do this with every media I consume. I pause movies and have to walk around and prepare myself for second-hand embarrassment sometimes.

[jogamer496-deactivated20160529]

Second-hand embarrassment is a nightmare. I’m watching a tv show and someone does something so bad, so freaking embarrassing that I have to stand up and just pause the show. It’s so bad D: cause people are like ‘why are you standing up, sit down and watch the show’ and I’m like ‘nooooo D:’.

[fullofdark]

[queencitysavior-blog]

Types of people who romanticize small town life:

People who didn’t grow up in small towns

[joeeatspeople]

#THE LOCALS AREN’T QUIRKY#THEY’RE RACIST

[itsreallystupid]

#THERE’S NOTHING TO DO #EVERYONE’S ON DRUGS

[millenniumfalconteahouse]

#WHY ARE YOU ACTING LIKE GANGSTERS YOU ARE WHITE AND THERE ARE COWS OUTSIDE

[xscreamingcicadax]

There is a church on every street

[exfirelordozai-blog]

#THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A SECRET AND THERE IS INCEST EVERYWHERE

[yeoja]

im crying… 

[donanananana-deactivated2018012]

Literally

[pennyroyalprincess-deactivated2]

wow I have goosebumps

[kurovoid]

Fucking nailed it so hard. This is what beauty is about. Fuck damn it.

[leonku-blog]

ANONYMOUSLY MAKE ME BLUSH

[dnotive]

Go ahead. Do your worst.

[uncletarby]

this is either gonna be a terrible decision on my part or nothing’s gonna happen haha

[vertexart]

I’ll only post the successful ones.