You Are (Not) Alone

[immolationdynamics]

All that glitters is gold

Till your glitter gets old

Now your money don't fold

[immolationdynamics]

They ask me how I've been knowing damn well everything keeps getting worse. At this point I think it's just to gloat, "oh man I feel like I'm going nowhere in life, better see how shitty his again is so I can feel good about where I am in life" like bruh.

This dance is the most annoying because it's a fact people will avoid you if you're miserable. If you're a guy in 2021 with unavailable friends, you need to lie about how you're doing if you want them to include you in their plans. Which only boils one's resentment.

Plus at the end of the day what do I really expect them to do besides tell me everything will be fine? I can't put any of you in my head and I pray the tech for that comes out before I die so I can put you through my life.

The realization that everyone I hate will also someday die puts me at ease a bit but the anger for them in my heart holds firmly yet.

[immolationdynamics]

I want revenge

[immolationdynamics]

I walk this earth for a limited time and all I can think to do in distress is burn more bridges.

I think it's me attempting to back myself into a corner I can't come back from, at least part of it anyway.

What I do know is that every time I've met a situation with my anger, everything always gets worse.

Notice how the root of the anger is always something so miniscule and stupid? I remember going off to others about how awful my ex was at times and the very same egotistic shortcomings that frustrated me are now looking like my bread and butter and that's a horrible trait to inherit.

I wish it were so easy to apologize to my friends for freaking out like that, but at this point it all feels too far gone. "Hey sorry about putting a gun to my head the other night was having a tough time a didn't mean to freak you guys out" is definitely one of those lines that doesn't go as well when said out loud.

Waking up to the messages the days after really makes me wish I followed through though...

[immolationdynamics]

Really wondering what it's gonna take to appreciate life again. I need to find and befriend someone who's suffered more and still holds kindness in them because I can't do it

[immolationdynamics]

I believe there are some people I interact with on a regular basis who only do so because I remind them of how they haven't hit rock bottom yet.

I think you might be like that too, silently observing with mild amusement, "oh man he's gonna crumble again any second, come see, quick!"

[immolationdynamics]

You think you know what a bad time is.

I promise you things can get so much worse

[immolationdynamics]

I tried preventative measures and they aren't working.

When I go on a public shooting spree soon I want you all to know this was a train everyone saw coming

[immolationdynamics]

Anyone who's known me long enough knows I don't joke about what I'm planning to pull off soon

[immolationdynamics]

Wow going over the posts in the last month I can now see how cyclical this behaviour really is

[immolationdynamics]

I changed my mind

Helping you assholes out all the time hasn't done anything for me when I need a hand

Been putting energy into the wrong people again

[immolationdynamics]

You can scream for help all you want but the only thing that gets anyone around you to act is money or sex or violence

[immolationdynamics]

Good things coming soon

If I can stick it out on the ship, then we might port at Montreal for a few months after, then possibly Windsor after that but not sure on that.

I'm excited to leave for a while because I'm sick of the connections I have left in this city. I understandably feel as though I do far more for others than I'm helped with, and because I have a weak personality and lack most forms of assertiveness, so this feeling of constantly being walked all over is simply a result I have no right to be upset with.

I often fool myself into agreeing by telling myself these people would do the same for me and I've been learning more and more lately that is *not* the case.

But between working the drydocks and the most expensive bar in town, there's a light at the end of this tunnel and despite the unrelenting pressure and tasks, i don't think it's gonna end with suicide for me anymore unless I lose this boating gig cuz I'd be an idiot to not stick through this and buy one of the boathomes off my Captain

[immolationdynamics]

They may pretend they like you,

But mans best friend will bite you

Just for fun

[immolationdynamics]

Fucked up the boat job already

[immolationdynamics]

I can scream all I want, help isn't coming

Always a great exercise in futility though

[immolationdynamics]

I really need to stop doing favours for others who haven't and wouldn't do the same for me.

This is no longer a world for kind hearts to thrive