Victim Impact Letter (Cond.)
I stood there examining my body beneath the stream of water and decided, I donât want my body anymore. I was terrified of it, I didnât know what had been in it, if it had been contaminated, who had touched it. I wanted to take off my body like a jacket.
I tried to push it out of my mind, but it was so heavy I didnât talk, I didnât eat, I didnât sleep, I didnât interact with anyone. After work, I would drive to a secluded place to scream. I didnât talk, I didnât eat, I didnât sleep, I didnât interact with anyone, and I became isolated from the ones I loved most.
But I donât remember, so how do I prove I didnât like it.
I was not only told that I was assaulted, I was told that because I couldnât remember, I technically could not prove it was unwanted. And that distorted me, damaged me, almost broke me. It is the saddest type of confusion to be told I was assaulted and nearly raped but we donât know if it counts as assault yet.
No one can talk me out of the hurt he caused me. Worst of all, I was warned, because he now knows you donât remember, he is going to get to write the script. He can say whatever he wants and no one can contest it. I had no power, I had no voice, I was defenseless. My memory loss would be used against me. My testimony was weak, was incomplete, and I was made to believe that perhaps, I am not enough to win this. Thatâs so damaging. That helplessness was traumatizing.Â
When did you drink? How much did you drink? What container did you drink out of? Who gave you the drink? How much do you usually drink? Who dropped you off at this party? At what time? But where exactly? What were you wearing? Why were you going to this party? Whatâd you do when you got there? Are you sure you did that? But what time did you do that? What does this text mean? Who were you texting? When did you urinate? Where did you urinate? Did you drink? How many times did you black out? Did you party at frats? Do you have a history of cheating? What do you mean when you said you wanted him? Do you remember what time you woke up? Â
I was pummeled with narrowed, pointed questions that dissected my personal life, love life, past life, family life, inane questions, accumulating trivial details to try and find an excuse for this guy who didnât even take the time to know me. After a physical assault, I was assaulted with questions designed to attack me, to say see, her facts donât line up, sheâs out of her mind, sheâs practically an alcoholic, she probably wanted to hook up, they were both drunk.
It is enough to be suffering. It is another thing to have someone ruthlessly working to diminish the gravity and validity of this suffering.
My damage was internal, unseen, I carry it with me. You took away my worth, my privacy, my energy, my time, my safety, my intimacy, my confidence, my own voice, until today.
See one thing we have in common is that we were both unable to get up in the morning. I am no stranger to suffering. You made me a victim. Â âIntoxicated womanâ and nothing more than that. For a while, I believed that that was all I was. I had to force myself to relearn my real name, my identity. To relearn that this is not all that I am. That I am not just a drunk victim, I am a human being who has been irreversibly hurt, who waited to figure out if I was worth something.
My independence, natural joy, gentleness, and steady lifestyle I had been enjoying became distorted beyond recognition. I became closed off, angry, self-deprecating, tired, irritable, empty. The isolation at times was unbearable. You cannot give me back the life I had before that night either. While you worry about your shattered reputation, I refrigerated spoons every night so when I woke up, and my eyes were puffy from crying, I would hold the spoons to my eyes to lessen the swelling so that I could see.
I used to pride myself on my independence, now I am afraid to go on walks in the evening, to attend social events with drinking among friends where I should be comfortable being. I have become a little barnacle always needing to be at someoneâs side, to have my boyfriend standing next to me, sleeping beside me, protecting me. It is embarrassing how feeble I feel, how timidly I move through life, always guarded, ready to defend myself, ready to be angry.
You have no idea how hard I have worked to rebuild parts of me that are still weak. It took me months to even talk about what happened. I could no longer connect with friends, with everyone around me.
I didnât want anyoneâs pity and am still learning to accept victim as part of my identity.
You cannot give me back my sleepless nights. The way I have broken down sobbing uncontrollably if Iâm watching a movie and a woman is harmed, to say it lightly, this experience has expanded my empathy for other victims. There are times I did not want to be touched. I have to relearn that I am not fragile, I am capable, I am wholesome, not just livid and weak.
You should have never done this to me. Secondly, you should have never made me fight so long to tell you, you should have never done this to me. But here we are. The damage is done, no one can undo it. And now we both have a choice. We can let this destroy us, I can remain angry and hurt and you can be in denial, or we can face it head on, I accept the pain, you accept the punishment, and we move on.
I believe, that one day, you will understand all of this better. I hope you will become a better more honest person who can properly use this story to prevent another story like this from ever happening again. I fully support your journey to healing, to rebuilding your life, because that is the only way youâll begin to help others.
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