[TEXT] i need a conscience and i need it yesterday.
[TEXT] being responsible doesn’t make memories.
[TEXT] shhhh. less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases.
[TEXT] i think i died and satan has brought me back to life and i’m paying for my sins with this hangover.
[TEXT] i’m batshit crazy. i don’t know how you guys keep forgetting that.
[TEXT] in other news: i’m massively over-caffeinated this morning. everything is vibrating and i can SEE THROUGH TIME.
[TEXT] i’m gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on.
[TEXT] i’m so high. i’m going to need directions to get home.
[TEXT] i encourage you to ignore feeling. drinking more helps.
[TEXT] currently working on a look that screams “i’m dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride.”
[TEXT] i love you but i don’t want to see you naked.
[TEXT] how many nights in [year] can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
[TEXT] i chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me.
[TEXT] go have fun. i’m gonna go shower off the regret.
[TEXT] omg, i literally just wanna sleep with you right now. like actual sleep. not sex. well, maybe. but sleep first.
[TEXT] just once i’d like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can’t remember half of it.
[TEXT] that’s a really terrible idea.
[TEXT] you just accidentally called me. you kept saying “really?! really?!!” so i can only assume you are having subpar sex.
[TEXT] i’m too drunk to explain this to you. it’s too hard.
[TEXT] i think i’m in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
[TEXT] i’m so drunk. remember me this way.
[TEXT] and i wasn’t CONVICTED of a felony, i just committed one.
[TEXT] we took vodka shots. you kept saying it was the key to your heart.
[TEXT] you know if we weren’t hooking up i think we’d actually be friends.
[TEXT] if i had feelings, you would have hurt them.
[TEXT] dude… are you really going to start sexting during our friend’s memorial service?
[TEXT] i’m so glad i make morally wrong decisions. it’s like the best worst thing i’ve ever done.
[TEXT] if you come you’re not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won’t be wearing them long.
[TEXT] why do i feel like i need to drink to feel better about the things i do when i’m drunk?
[TEXT] come over. and we’ll put iced coffee in the bong.