i always thought those posts about 20-something year olds worrying about being old were funny until i turned 22 last week and it's not funny anymore. i realized when i turned 17 that everything would be quicker from now on but now i feel like its going by too quickly, and yet i still find myself thinking 'this internship can't end soon enough' or 'i can't wait to be in france', as if these aren't months of my life, my young adult life, i'm wishing away. i'm not even unhappy right now, but when i look back, especially my last year in highschool, i feel like my heart will fall through my stomach. i can't go back to my childhood home that my parents sold when i started university, and i can't swim in that river with the boy i've been dating for years now with. he won't know how it felt for me on a hot july afternoon to kayak and then swim and then dry off and watch a movie in my living room with the AC on blast. that's something that i can only feel in my memories. i can't go back to my cousins and i all being together, or reading for pleasure in the sun, or being singular. i miss it badly, and it makes me realize that in the past four years, though i've had fun and i've known great success with school and work, i miss it. i pass my last final exams for bachelor's degree next week and then a master's, but i don't care. i can't bring myself to feel sad that my bachelor's is ending. i feel like its easier for me to move on after the initial loss of my house and changing cities, but now i wonder when i'll next feel how i used to when i was younger. i know i'll have time on my balcony this summer and i'll spend as much time with those i love before leaving, but i'm scared. i'm scared that, fast forward two years from now, i'll be finished my master's and feeling the same dread i am now about being 24. will it stop ?
