not tamo

a digital manifesto of my thoughts, evolutions and transformations. i hope you find light in my words

[imnottamo]

there are days where I feel like the people I love and care about most want absolutely nothing to do with me

I understand that this way of thinking is programming from when I was younger, when I experienced ostracism or exclusion on a large scale during elementary, middle, and high school

part of me still believes that I am not worthy enough to be surrounded by people that love me because part of me still feels inadequate

I know it isn't true though, but it's important for me to have this dialogue with myself, FOR myself. I'm sharing this in hopes that someone else will feel seen and will find comfort in these words

this feeling is temporary and will go away. it sucks to be in it but you have to feel the emotion in order for the energy to move as it needs to, or else it'll get stagnant and stay built up and leave you feeling uncomfortable.

there's a pitted feeling in my chest right now because I don't feel like my boyfriend wants to spend time with me. that's what the small voice is telling me. the small voice is quiet but it's as sharp as a knife.

I know it's not true though, because I know he works early tomorrow morning and is going out of town immediately after work, and is probably preparing for the long day tomorrow.

it's so important to identify these feelings when they arise, as well as give yourself the grace, the space, and the right to feel these emotions. nothing is ever really as it seems. once you can identify the triggers, navigating the choppy waters becomes much easier.

here's to getting our sea legs.

tamo

[imnottamo]

things i’ve painted recently

my art journey has not been an easy one but i’m happy to be making art again.

[imnottamo]

on finding my whimsy again

as an artist, lately I've been diving into things that "heal my inner child", coloring with crayons and colored pencils, clay projects, finger painting. they promote creative flow without putting too much pressure on myself.

for the past few months up until recently I've felt blocked creatively--afraid, uncertain, doubtful of my own skills and talents.

this aaaallll traces back to my childhood.

I grew up attending PWIs my whole life, and I struggled with my own identity. being a black girl surrounded by white kids, and I wasn't what you would conventionally call "pretty" either as I grew up. not to say I was ugly, but I wasn't one of the "pretty" black girls in the eyes of my peers. I was made fun of, left out, called names, bullied, the whole nine yards.

I was awkward, maybe "weird", sometimes very spontaneous and energetic! I was a kid lmao. but people didn't take too well to my personality and told me I was too much. I was so focused on making myself palatable for the people I wanted so desperately to be in my circle, or I in theirs. fighting so hard for the approval of people who just didn't fw me like that. views didn't align, interests didn't align, but I was determined to be accepted.

I was dropped from friend groups, ate lunch alone by my locker, and bounced from friend group to friend group. people "liked" me, but I didn't belong to anyone's circle. this led to self-doubt, self-loathing, and a severe depression. navigating those emotions was hard and as a result I withdrew from just about everyone and everything, but I found solace in art, literature and anime ultimately.

I'm older now, and I've been out of high school for 6 years now. I've gotten a bit better at standing in my authenticity, and I make it a goal to do so unapologetically.

I'm learning not to dim my light for anyone else's satisfaction, because their satisfaction ultimately does not matter. every day I do the things I love and I show the younger versions of myself that she is perfect exactly as she is, and that there's nothing wrong with her.

I am loving who I am, and who I am constantly becoming. connecting with these simple but profound tools, like crayons, colored pencils, clay, paint--they all take me back to the lil girl that was wondering if she'd find her place in the world.

things look rough right now for the planet, but I'm finding my way. they really weren't lying when they said trust the process, right lol?

ase,

no(t)amo

[imnottamo]

on screaming into the void

I don't know the first thing about having a blog, but here's to a new moment in history

lately I feel as though it's all just so much. with everything happening in the world right now, I feel a combination of things:

confusion. fear. anxiety. overwhelm. anger. sadness. guilt. grief.

so much suffering, both here at home and around the globe. you open your phone and you're greeted with some new thing that's happened that leaves a sinking feeling in your chest.

bombs are falling halfway across the world but you still have to go to work tomorrow. just another day.

mass surveillance, total government corruption, looming energy crisis, food shortages, worsening climate crisis, imperialism, white supremacy, artificial intelligence displacing humans.

but don't worry! here's a new trend to take your mind off of it. 30 things you can do this month to regulate your cortisol, eat more fiber, lift heavy 4 times a week, pay your rent, pay your taxes, get gas, scroll past a protest, gua sha, lymphatic drainage, eat your retinol, answer the texts and the emails and blah blah blah.

energetically, I am spent in the worst way possible

there are glimmers of light in this haziness but I am spent.

I just pray that the collapse of this regime brings about beautiful changes that we all will benefit from, in the best way possible.

I pray we don't have to see the worst case scenario for that to happen.

in the meantime, I suppose I can only do what's in my control. read, meditate, eat right, be kind, exercise, upcycle, garden, yoga, create.

hopefully these things will keep me grounded. I will continue to look for the beauty in the chaos, and I hope to share it with you all.

thank you for joining me,

no(t)amo