How to help a sexually repressed partner
So, you met this person you really like. Maybe your girlfriend/boyfriend/other, maybe someone you're attracted to, maybe someone you'd like to start a sexual relationship with. I'll assume you respect them, even if you don't love them, and you're both reading on the same page. But then, you find out they're sexually repressed. And, after such a revelation, you may feel a lot of things, that could even make you feel guilty. Let's get some things out of the way:
You may feel betrayed because they didn't warn you about it before: That's a perfectly natural feeling, I get it. Some people see the sexual repression as something you should be aware of before getting emotionally involved with someone. But you also need to consider how difficult it is for a repressed person. Some of us get triggered just from discussing it, others feel shame because they were taught that sex wasn't something they should openly talk about, and others just don't know they're sexually repressed (our problems are so ignored by society that we're usually told we're just "late-bloomers"). Also, ask yourself what would you do in their situation. Would you risk a potential good relationship just because there's a part of it that scares you? Generally, we feel like we shouldn't talk about sex too early because we think our date would assume we're taking them for the kind of people who only think about sex, or because bringing it up would make us look like we're too straight-forward. There's a lot of reasons someone wouldn't want to warn you about their sexual repression too soon, but I promise they're not doing it to hurt you in any way.
You may feel like they don't like you/trust you enough: No. Please, don't think bad of yourself, that will only bring guilt for both parts. The way your partner faces their sexuality doesn't have much to do with you. A traumatic experience, an extremely religious enviroment, a bad chilhood; there's lot of reasons a person may be sexually repressed, but you're not one of them. They're choosing you to be their partner, they trust you enough to tell you about their condition. Do you think we go around telling everyone about it? No, you're special. So please, resist the impulse of telling yourself you're not good enough. The fact you're reading this says a lot about you.
Maybe they're gay/straight: It is true that being confused or in the closet may be a cause of sexual repression, but don't make assumptions about other people's sexuality, especially if they claim to feel attracted to you. As I said before, there are lot of causes for sexual repression and sexual orientation is always a delicate topic, but wait for more signs of a crisis of identity before bringing it up. Not all sex-repressed are confused or in the closet or going through "a phase".
I think those are the most common thoughts, but if you feel different, you can always talk to me about it and, as a sexually repressed person, I'll try to help. But, for now, let's see what you could do to help your partner, now that you know what's happening.
Talk about it only if they're comfortable with it. Ask for their permission for asking them your questions. Here's some you could use as a guide for getting to know better their particular case:
What are your boundaries?
Are you comfortable with physical affection such as kisses and hugs?
Do you want to establish some rules so I won't upset you when we're being affectionate?
Are you repulsed by any contact, or just a few specific ones?
5 and 6 are really important, because some sexually repressed people don't want to get cured. They're so terrified/repulsed by the thought alone, that they don't want to expose themselves to the process of healing. Maybe they'll want to someday, but the first step is wanting, and you can't force help on someone who won't take it.
Also, I've got three recommendations.
Ask them if they're ace: In most cases, it won't be necessary, because they'll make it clear they're not comfortable with the way they feel about sex. But you've got to let them know it's okay to not want it. There's nothing unnatural about not enjoying something. Some aces think they can fix themselves, but they're not broken! If your partner realizes they're asexual, you'll have to decide if you want that relationship or not, but you may never try to "cure" them (they're not sick) or make them feel bad about it. And if you do want to continue your relationship, be prepared to the new challenge of helping a person with a different sexual orientation to discover and embrace themselves.
Don't use sexual language: At least in that first talk, avoid the word "sex/sexual" and any sexual term. If I was discussing my sexual repression with a partner for the first time, the word "vagina" or "penetration" could be enough to induce me a panic attack. Of course it's natural, but for a person who's terrified of it, it may be a nightmare. Instead of asking them if they're uncomfortable with mutual masturbation, for example, choose to say "Is there some kind of contact you think you'll enjoy?". Avoid slangs and dirty jokes, even if your partner enjoys them, because in a serious context like that, they will feel way too real.
Don't dig too deep: Of course you'll want to know what got your partner in such a bad place, but respect their silence and don't ask about their history or the reasons behind their condition, unless they authorize you to. In any case, being them victims of sexual violence or growing up with really strict parents, they're going to share what they want to share and when they want to share it. Sit, listen and say thanks for trusting me.
Once you talk and they tell you they want to get better, the first suggestion is to go to a professional. If there's a reason they can't do that, they'll probably make it clear in the first place, but some of us are so blinded by our desperation that don't even think about it. A good professional will guide you both through this.
If getting professional help isn't an option, these tips may give you ideas to deal with it:
Trace a plan and a list of rules you can't break and both of you have to discuss before changing anything about it. Consider this:
Public demostration of love are allowed? Where? In front of which kind of people? What type of demostration (holding hands, pecks, kisses)?
Can they sit on my lap? Can I sit on their lap? Can we rest our heads on each other's lap?
Are we allowed to make out? How long can we do it? (Ten minutes, a few seconds, until getting turned on)
Discussion of sexual fantasies? What kind? What kinks or situation are we not allowed to talk about?
Can we masturbate with the other in the same room? Is mutual masturbation allowed? What kind? (Manual, with toys, pillows)
How many clothes are we allowed to wear around each other? Is there any situation we should wear an specific kind of clothes?
Is dirty talk allowed? What kind?
Non-verbal signs of discomfort in case of panic or any other state that won't allow us to talk/articulate coherent sentences.
Are we allowed to talk to other people about the situation?
Am I allowed to search for sexual pleasure in other places and with other people? How much can I do with them? Do I have to tell my partner? (Remember to get checked for STD every time)
Can we watch porn together? What kind?
Feel free to adapt this list to your and your partner's necessities. A good way to keep it safe for both of your is adding a rule of not changing anything without taking at least a week to think about it. Social pressure or guilt feelings may make your partner feel like they owe you something, so giving them time to reconsider any change they want to make is a good way to keep them comfortable with the list.
Let them know you won't leave them just because they're in a bad place. Obviously, make sure you won't do it before making a promise you won't be able to keep. Ask yourself if you can deal with it and tell them you'll do everything you can to help them.
Avoid commenting on other people's appearence. No matter what you have to say. If you say you find other people hot, you're partner may feel like they're not good enough. If you say something like "that girl's so fat", your partner may think "if I ever gain weight, they won't want me anymore". Don't judge other people's bodies. Just don't.
Some sexually repressed people think they're not attractive. And since you'll be a good partner and won't insist for your partner to do something they're not comfortable with, they might think you just don't want them. Let them know you do. Find the way to say "the only reason I'm not making love to you is because you don't want to", without putting the blame of them. If you really want them, if you think they're so amazing you can't believe they're not getting laid, you'll get inspired. Also, not every compliment has to be sexual. Calling us cute or pretty might seem innocent, but, for us, it means a lot.
If they seem comfortable enough, suggest to watch porn together. No commenting, no judging, just sitting together and enjoy the show. If they're shy, suggest to read the same erotic book. Make sure it's the kind of story they like and read it separately, but maybe comment on it after finishing it, discussing your favorite parts or even talking about literary aspects, not necessary the sex stuff. This can give you a picture of what they like or dislike, and you could think about ways to use that information without it becoming too much.
Do your homework. If you're the kind of guy who asks himself how can lesbians have sex without penises, if you don't know how to please yourself, if you don't know where the clit or the prostate is, study. Read about sex, about ways to enjoy it. There's more in this life than penetration and fingering. If you inform yourself about it, you can inform your partner and find something they're not completely opposed to. Also, you won't hurt them and you'll feel more in control of your own body.
If they're not against it, they can watch you masturbate. Show them how you do it, how you like it. Explain the different parts of your body if you don't have the same genitalia. See how they respond. This is why you need to know your own body. And even if you're the same gender, if they see you really liking something, you can always ask them if they want it done to them. Don't forget to let them know they're the reason you're turned on. Not the pornstars you watch, not the hot people you see out in the streets; them. This is all for them and because of them.
Attack their insecurities. Are they afraid of being punished by God? Read different points of view against that conception of God and share it with them. Do they think it's going to hurt? Research about myths about virginity and show them how wrong those concepts are. If they went through an abusive relationship or were assaulted, go to a professional and share what you discovered (really, try to get them professional help, please). In any case, tell them nothing of this is their fault, they're not dirty or silly; they're amazing.
Don't pressure them, don't listen to people who try to persuade you of leaving, don't ask for too much. They're going through a lot and your priority should be respecting their limits, no matter if you understand them or not.
Let them know they can trust you. They can talk to you or even cry in your arms in they need to. And let them know they're a fighter, a warrior, and no one can tell them otherwise.
Be patient. It's a process and it might be very long.
Don't forget about the others aspects of your relationship that don't involve sex. Cuddling and going to the movies is amazing, too.
If they don't like being naked, suggest grinding with your clothes on. Intimacy without nudity. It'll keep body fluids in your pants and it won't even hurt.
If at the end you decide you can't take it, be honest and respectful. That's a person with feelings and they trust you. No one should force you to stay in a place where you don't want to be, and emotional manipulation shouldn't be a reality, but try to do as less harm as you can. Explain yourself calmly and try to find options for that person so they won't throw their progress through the window once you're gone (maybe recommend them this blog, I don't know). Give them the biggest hug and don't let them think you don't care for them. You're not a professional and it's not your job. Your only responsability is being honest and not mean-spirited.
But, since you're still reading, I'll assume you still want to be there for your partner. So I'll give you one last tip, and it's the most important one:
Respecting their "yes" is as important as respecting their "no"
If they're sure, if they're super sure, if they've told you a million times they're sure... well, they're sure. Don't overthink it and don't make them overthink it. They're a consenting adult, just like you. They worked so hard to get here, to make peace with their sexuality, and they trusted you during the whole process. The least you can do is trust them now. Trust them when they tell you they're ready, ask yourself if you're ready, and enjoy the results of your teamwork. Be proud of them and be proud of you, because you help them. Respect their "yes" until it becomes a "no", if that ever happens again.
Well, that's all, I hope I helped you. Don't forget to reblog, so I can keep helping people. I'm not an expert, I'm just a sexually repressed person who's healing and wants to heal others.
I know it's hard now. I know you feel bad, sad, scared... but I promise you that everything will worth it when that "no" full of shame and fear, becomes a "yes" full of pleasure and trust.
tangentwithtanner
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