Seven years ago ... When I was in high school, the vast majority of people in my high school made fun of me and laughed at me for the simple fact of being Chinese, being 12 years old and being a virgin. (Currently, I still am and there is still someone who laughs, very funny, right?)
Yes, it's very stupid, I know. But that's exactly why they messed with me.
I never said anything to anyone, not even to my parents or teachers, because, on the one hand, I did not want my parents to worry, they already had enough problems, and on the other ... The dear teachers, they would not understand. Knowing how they were, how they behaved, they took everything lightly. Imagine what would happen if I said: "Teacher, x person is making fun of me for being Chinese". I'm sure they would say "Do not listen to them, ignore them." Or worse, to make it even worse instead of fixing things.
Yeah, that's how sad that beautiful high school was.
But do not believe that they were like that with "foreigners" in general, no, the students of that institute got along great with the "Moroccans, Arabs, ...". They got along well with anyone except the Chinese. And less if you were a girl and a virgin.
I honestly did not understand it and I still do not understand it. But right now, I do not fucking care.
That year, it was the worst year of high school. The worst year of my life. I've had very bad years, but that ... It was the worst of the worst.
A whole year where the whole school looked at me badly, they talked about me behind my back, they laughed at me for everything I did. They threw things at me, they put gum in my hair ... Any nonsense you can imagine, they did it.
Once, a Colombian girl (I think) and her Venezuelan friend, humiliated me and left me very badly in front of almost the entire institute. They started shouting at me out of nowhere and saying shits that, according to them, I did or said.
Please, I was new in that fucking place.
Those things they said did not make sense.
But I did not have the ovaries to say anything. I was nobody. Nobody was on my side. And if there was someone on my side. He/She did not have the eggs to defend me either.
Okay, yes, I had two or three "friends." Well, better said ... Classmates. But they made it clear to me that if someone messed with me, or if I had problems, they would not help me, because they did not want to be "hurt".
Yes, they were very, very, very good friends. (Sarcasm)
The next year I changed schools. Good, thank God.
But it's not that the change was super good either.
The institute that I changed to, was regulated (?), that is, you had to pay every month x money. Okay ... The vast majority of students looked at me with an air of superiority. As if they wanted to tell you, "My dad pays me this, so, I'm better than you."
Time was passing, and I tried not to let anything they said affect me. I really tried not to care what they said about me.
Yes ... I'm also that percentage of people who tried to commit suicide ... But ... I, unlike others, was not brave enough to cut a vein, but I was to swallow fifty pills.
The last time I tried (several years ago), apart from having problems in high school, I had problems at home, was when I found out that my mother had considered aborting me because I was a girl. Do you know the shock, the pain I felt when I found out about it?
OK, yes, it's true that I'm here now. And it means that she did not abort me, but fuck, it hurts to know. And that if it were not for my grandparents, who fought for me, I would not be.
It is hard and sad to know, that your own mother, considered to have you or not, because ... You are a girl. (Currently, that does not matter anymore, and she is "happy" to have had me because I am very helpful(?)).
From always, although I did not want it, my mind listened to others, each and every one of its criticisms towards me.
They said I was fat, so I felt fat.
They said I was stupid, so I was.
They said that ..., well, that ...
It is exactly that, from so much listening and taking into account the words of others, you forget who you truly are.
Before knowing BTS, I gradually tried to stop paying attention, to stop taking into account the (offensive) criticisms that others said about me.
I constantly said to myself, "Let them say what they want, I know who I really am and I am the only one who knows the truth about myself."
But, honestly, it was much harder to do than to say it. (Like everything, right?)
Criticism continued to affect me, and well, they continue to do so.
Words hurt more than actions.
After meeting BTS, after listening to their songs, after ... Everything.
At the end ... At the bottom of everything.
It's me. It is me who has to worry about what I think about myself.
And it's also who I should love first.
And no, that is not being selfish.
Before loving someone, before listening to what others have to say about me.
I have to listen to what I say about myself. I MUST take MYSELF into account before another person.
Because if I do not love myself. Nobody will.
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