In Bloom @inbloomwriting - Tumblr Blog

the ledges of our lives II Tommy Miller

Plot: Tommy has been in love with (Y/N) since the first moment he laid eyes on her. One fateful 4th of July he finally tells her how he feels and nothing can keep them apart ... except maybe the apocalypse.

Pairing: Tommy Miller x female reader

Warnings: Swearing, mentions of food and alcohol, semi-sad ending

Notes: Friends lovers. Not necessarily a happy ending but not super sad either. 8.9k words.

Likes, reblogs, comments are all much appreciated. I am German. Sometimes I get the tense wrong or make mistakes. I am useless when it comes to punctuation. Go easy on me, please

The Millers don’t shoot fireworks on the 4th of July, they never have, at least not that Sarah can remember. No one has ever really said why, it was just an unspoken thing they all adhered to. Like a special non-tradition in their family. Sarah thinks it might have something to do with the sticker on her dad’s car, she doesn’t mention it though.

The Millers aren’t big on parties either, it’s mostly just Sarah and her dad and uncle Tommy — and (Y/N). Just to four of them in their perfect little harmony. (Y/N)’s been there from the start, a friend of Uncle Tommy’s who entered their lives and found a permanent place in all their hearts. She’s part of the family as much as the rest of them. Where Tommy is (Y/N) is and the other way around. Sometimes Sarah wonders why the two of them aren’t dating, it would make so much sense, they’re married as it is. But then again, she’s 14 years old. What does she know about messy grown-up romance?

A heavy heat rests upon Austin on the 4th of July of 2003. The kind that makes your hair go frizzy and your clothes stick to your skin. Joel’s turned on the sprinklers a while ago, after some soft nagging from Sarah. He’s been grumbling about how it’ll ruin the lawn to have them on while the sun burns down on the grass. He’s ended up chasing his daughter through the spray of water anyway, earning a round of laughter from the girl.

The radio is playing quietly in the background, mostly drowned out by the sizzling of the steaks on the grill. They were supposed to grill hot dogs but the shop was all out of buns. So steaks and veggie skewers it is.

“Harrold is crazy if he thinks we're gonna pay that much for some copper pipes. Lost his damn mind. Hey - are you even listening to me?"

Tommy's eyes snap up to meet his brother's amused smirk.

“What? What’s the shit-eating grin for?”

“Don’t worry about it. Just nice to know where your attention is at.”

Joel nods his head towards the other end of the backyard where the picnic table sits that he and Tommy built when Sarah was just a little kid. There are handprints on the wood, his in blue, Tommy’s in green, (Y/N)’s in Orange, and Sarah’s tiny handprint in purple. Another summer years ago that seems so far away and yet it feels like nothing has changed.

"That sundress is really doing a number on you, huh?"

Tommy's gaze flits towards the girls as they are sitting at the picnic table, playing cards in hand and bright smiles on their faces.

(Y/N) is wearing a yellow sundress, so bright and vibrant it rivals the sun itself. She looks damn good in it. Like a vision plugged straight from a dream Tommy's had once or twice (or many nights but who's counting).

"No idea what you're talking about, old man."

Joel lets out that familiar scoff, the one Tommy knows so well after all these years. He’s had the same scoff even as a child. The kind that lets you know he doesn’t believe a single word you’re saying without him having to tell you outright. It’s infuriating when it’s directed at you and hilarious when directed at someone else.

“I don’t know what you’re on about.”

“Sure you don’t, knucklehead. Look, I’m just wondering if you’re ever going to do something about — this,” Joel exclaims and motions his beer bottle between his younger brother and the goddess in the sundress sitting just a few steps away.

It’s not the first time they’re having this conversation. In fact, Tommy's had this conversation countless times before with pretty much all of his friends, his parents, even Sarah has mentioned it before. And quite a few times with Joel too.

Maybe the question wouldn’t bother him so much if it didn’t force him to think about the what-ifs himself. Like what-if he actually mustered up the courage to make a move, and what-if she said yes? But then what-if she said no and everything they have now would be utterly destroyed never to be repaired?

He doesn’t think of himself as a coward, in fact, he knows he’s given his mother more than one heart attack in his lifetime by being just a little bit too reckless. But there is something absolutely terrifying to him when it comes to making a move with (Y/N). She’s been part of his life since he was just a 10-year-old lanky kid with a big mouth and an even bigger ego. She liked him then and she likes him now and is it really worth risking all the love she gives him now for a what-if?

“Since when have you become a love expert, huh?”

“I haven’t, “ Joel replies and takes a sip of beer “ I just know when things work and you guys, you seem to work.”

He’s right but Tommy is never going to admit that. Joel would never let him hear the end of it and there’s hardly anything more annoying than proving Joel right.

“And I get it, she’s beautiful and smart and — “

“Okay, cool it. You wanna make a move on her?”

Joel gives him that snarl that reminds him so much of his dad and the way he used to look at Tommy and Joel when they were kids and he disapproved of something stupid they did.

“Don’t even go there, kid.”

Kid. He hates when Joel pulls the older brother card. Then again, he could’ve done so much worse when it comes to family, when it comes to brothers. With all his faults and quirks, Joel is a good guy. He’s loyal and protective and he puts family above anything and everything else. Just don’t tell him that, he’ll deny being a good guy. He’s humble like that.

“Just don’t want you to regret not doing anything about it when it’s too late.”

Before his mind can wander off too far, further down the road paved with what-ifs and sickeningly sweet visions of a future unknown, (Y/N)’s voice cuts through his brain fog.

“Oh, I love that song! Turn up the radio, boys!”

The opening chords of “Here comes your man” by the Pixies fill the air, louder when Tommy turns the little dial up a notch or two.

She’s on her feet, barefoot dancing on the grass, illuminated by the hot July sun, pulling Sarah up to dance with her.

The younger girl starts moving begrudgingly but even she isn’t immune to the contagious enthusiasm that (Y/N) radiates and two seconds later she’s dancing along as if she was never hesitant in the first place.

There’s just something about (Y/N).

“Her taste in music, however — “ Joel teases before turning over the steaks as they sizzle on the grill.

Tommy doesn’t mind the teasing. Not right now. He hardly processes it. Not when in front of him, he gets to watch his whole world twirl in the sun and laugh as if life has never been sweeter.

"Here comes your maaaan!"

She can't hit a note if her life depends on it and it doesn't matter to Tommy at all. Not in the slightest. He loves hearing her sing. He loves when she unapologetically lets herself enjoy the little things in life. Like a good-bad song.

"… and here comes the food!"

Joel isn't quite as enamored with her bad singing as his younger brother is but even he can't stop the corner of his lips from pulling up. There's just something about her that hits each member of the Miller family straight to the heart.

By the time the steaks and veggies are gone, the sun is about to dip behind the horizon.

Dusk paints the sky in pinks and purples and fireflies start blinking all over the yard like tiny stars.

The air has cooled down with the sun saying its farewell for the day and if things were different they’d stay out here a little longer. Not today though.

Where other people gather their friends and family to watch the sky be illuminated by a kaleidoscope of colors, the Millers call it an early night and make their way inside before the first firework is lit.

The Miller’s Fourth of July ends on the couch with a movie playing on the TV and when the outside world gets loud, they just turn up the volume a little more.

“Swing away Merrill. …”

“Fucking water?! They want me to believe the solution to an alien invasion is fucking water?! ON EARTH?!”

Joaquin Phoenix flickers across the screen, fighting an Alien with the help of a baseball bat and a bunch of abandoned glasses of water but Tommy can’t seem to keep his eyes off of (Y/N). Her hair messed up from dancing around the yard all day, from sweating and running through the sprinkler. Her lips wiped clear of the red lipstick she'd put on earlier. The slight shiny residue of sunscreen on her skin.

And that look of absolute disbelief and outrage on her face.

“You’re telling me out of all the planets in the solar system, they chose to come to Earth? A planet that is 71% water? When that is their biggest weakness? Sounds highly implausible to me, honestly.”

She scrunches her nose in irritation and for a split second, Tommy sees the little girl again that he first befriended all those years ago.

“Darling, it’s a movie about Aliens. It doesn’t have to be plausible. It just has to be entertaining.”

Letting out a huff, she sinks further into the couch. “Well, it can’t have been too entertaining either.”

Motioning her head towards the other couch, Tommy lets his eyes follow only to be met with a much familiar sight.

Sarah is fast asleep, legs thrown over Joel’s lap and head resting on the side of the couch. It looks anything but comfortable but it doesn’t seem to bother her much judging by her snoozing away softly. Her soft snores are accompanied by Joel’s loud rattling ones.

“Sarah’s a kid, what does she know about cinema? And Joel has always had shit taste in movies, even when we were kids.”

“Tommy, babe.” (Y/N) exclaims and places a soft hand on his biceps. He wonders if she knows that even a touch as small as this one, as insignificant, makes his heart race. “I hate to tell you this but Alien movies are a bit shit in general.”

“You say that now, but just you wait. The day we get invaded I will be prepared and you will be sitting here wishing you had paid attention to these movies.”

He loves the giggle that falls from her lips. If sunshine made a sound he’s sure it would sound like her laugh. Even if it comes with her making fun of him. He’ll take all the teasing if it means he gets to hear her laugh.

“So are you saying if we got invaded by Aliens you’d just let me get abducted? Is that what I am hearing?”

“Absolutely. And you best be telling me everything once they bring you back.”

“You’re full of shit, Tommy Miller. You’d go crazy without me. Hell, I’m only leaving for 3 months this summer and you’re already whining about it.”

She’s right and he hates thinking about it. Back when they were kids she went to visit her grandparents in Montana every summer and Tommy was miserable without her. Those visits grew few and far between as they got older but with her grandfather suffering a broken leg and her grandmother unable to tend to their farm all by herself it served as the perfect opportunity for (Y/N) to fly out and relish in childhood nostalgia.

“I’m not whining, Darling. Just worried you’ll miss my handsome face too much.”

“Oh please, you just — “

“Can you guys cut it out? People here are trying to sleep”, Joel’s gruff voice cuts through their bickering, putting an immediate stop to the conversation.

“Sorry Joel” they reply in unison, like a pair of scolded children having been caught staying up past their bedtime. Though Joel pays no mind to their apology, his snores fill the room once again.

As Tommy turns back towards (Y/N), her arms are stretched out wide as a tired yawn leaves her body.

“You tired? Need a ride home?”

“Are you offering?”

“Always, baby.”

Tommy doesn’t consider himself a big romantic, doesn’t really believe in all those grand and larger-than-life rom-com ideas but sometimes when the fireflies light up the world outside and the air smells like sunscreen and campfire and when she looks at him with those beautiful eyes of her he gets a weird feeling that spreads all around his body. It fills him from the tip of his nose to his feet. Those moments make him reconsider for a second. Maybe the movies are onto something.

Even though the sun set a long time ago, the air outside is still thick and muggy. It makes the hair in the nape of his neck curl up and stick to his skin.

It’s sticky and uncomfortable and yet, Tommy loves nights like these. They allow him to remember the boy he used to be. All those late summer nights with (Y/N) by his side, driving down back roads and shooting the shit and talking about everything one can only imagine. Those nights felt like they belonged to them only and like they lasted a lifetime. All that youthful magic caught in a moment.

The windows are rolled down and Billy Joel is blasting from the beat-up car radio. (Y/N) is softly humming along to Summer, Highland Falls, eyes closed, messy-haired and barefoot, and a smile playing on her lips as she soaks up the gust of wind.

“You do know I was joking, right?”

She opens her eyes and looks at him with that infinite softness that she reserves for certain people only. Mostly him and Sarah and Joel.

“About what?”

“The Alien thing.”

“Huh? You mean to tell me you’re not prepared for an invasion after all.”

He retorts with a gentle nudge to the shoulder. “No, stupid. I mean that if something were to happen, anything at all, I would never leave you behind. I’d never let them take you.”

“The metaphorical aliens.”

“Yeah, those. And anyone else too. You know that, right? Sarah, Joel, and you, that’s all that matters to me.”

This is as honest and raw as Tommy gets when it comes to talking about his feelings and emotions. He wasn’t raised like that. His dad was stoic and silent and filled with toxic ideas of what a man should be and how a man should behave. Joel and Tommy have tried their best to unlearn a lot of the toxic traits their dad had bestowed on them, especially once Sarah came along, but some things just stick with you.

“I do know that. You know I’d do the same, right? You guys are my family. You are my family.”

He wants to kiss her so badly. All the voices in his head are screaming at him to do it, just do it. She’s leaving tomorrow and won't be back until early October and by then he will probably have talked himself into chickening out once again.

But what if?

What if he kisses her and fucks it all up?

“It′s either sadness or euphoria”

And Billy is so right.

The euphoria he would be thrilled to experience.

The sadness, he thinks, the sadness might kill him.

So he rids himself off the foolish little dreams, pushes them back to the furthest corner of his heart where they can live amongst themselves to only come to light when the night is lonely and Tommy feels like torturing himself.

He takes her hand, presses a gentle kiss on her knuckles, and nods in agreement.

“Yeah, I know.”

And the wind blows through the open window, and the fireflies dance, and the crickets sing their song. He thinks they should call it “The Ballad of the Coward, Tommy Miller.”

The gravel crunches under his wheels as Tommy pulls up (Y/N)’s driveway. He can’t help but think back to all the times he climbed the trellis up to (Y/N)’s window so the nights didn’t have to end yet. Back before her parents moved to Florida and gave the house to her. Now that childhood bedroom is an office and the trellis is overgrown with roses.

As he turns off the ignition, the silence of the night settles upon them like a blanket. Things unsaid heavy in the air, resting on his shoulders.

“I didn’t say it earlier but I am gonna miss you this summer. And Sarah,” (Y/N) says as she slips back into her sandals and grabs her bag from the backseat. “Joel too but don’t you dare tell him I said that.”

A chuckle falls from Tommy’s lips. “He won’t hear a peep from me.”

“You’re not gonna say it back?”

“C’mon now, sweetheart. You know damn well that I’m gonna miss the shit out of you. I don’t have to tell you. You know.”

There’s something in the way she looks at him right then. Something he thinks he’s seen before but can’t place, can’t name. After all these years there are still mysteries about her.

“I do know.”

Kiss her you fucking fool. He wants to, he really does. But his hands are stuck to the steering wheel and his feet bolted to the car. Even if he wanted to move, his body won’t let him.

“Anyway uh — have a good summer Tommy.”

“You too. Have fun and tell your grandparents I said hi.”

She throws him one last look before making it halfway up the path leading to her front door. Billy Joel continues singing about caviar and cabernet when (Y/N) stops in her tracks. Illuminated by the moonlight and that one tiny lamp by her front door, she looks almost ethereal.

Tommy’s eyes meet hers across the driveway and she rushes back towards his side of the car.

“Hey, did you forget — “

Before he can finish the sentence she’s leaning into the car and pressing her lips against his with fierce determination.

It’s rushed and quick and for a second Tommy thinks he’s dreaming. He’s not though. This is real. The smell of her perfume and the feel of her hair and the taste of her lips on his.

The kiss is over before Tommy can even fully comprehend it even happened. All that is left is the knowledge that it did happen and the shocked look on (Y/N)’s face.

“Tommy I’m so sorry, I — “

“Don’t apologize. Let me get out.”

“What?”

“Let me get out of the car so I can kiss you properly.”

He doesn’t have to tell her twice. As soon as she takes a step back, Tommy is out of the car and pulls (Y/N) into his arms. She’s so warm. So soft.

There is still a nagging voice inside his head that whispers poisonous “what ifs” to him. That tells him he’s not worth it, that he will ruin all they are. That he will ruin her.

But for this one fleeting moment, Tommy chooses not to listen to the worries and the doubts and those damn insecurities.

Tonight he will kiss her stupid and he won’t feel any regret about it. He could never regret her.

With her back against the car and his hands on her hips, their lips meet again. This kiss is different. It’s years of longing and dreams they never allowed themselves to fully believe in all caught in one touch. Passionate and sweet and loving and desperate.

Nothing ever felt or tasted like this. Nothing’s ever come close.

When they pull away, Tommy goes in for another one and then a third. He never wants this moment to end.

But he’s not delusional, he knows everything ends. Especially moments like this one.

“I uh — wow.”

“Mmmh…wow. How, why — I mean … what ?”

“Tommy I meant to do this a long time ago I just always chickened out. Tell me I didn’t make a mistake.”

He places another peck on her lips, a sign of reassurance, knowing he’s not good with words.

“You didn’t make a mistake. I wanted this too. I want it, present tense.”

“Okay, good. Good, I — eurgh I’m so annoyed I’m leaving tomorrow morning.”

Tommy gently cradles her face in his hands. “It’s just 3 months, right? It will be over before we know it. And then we can talk about it and see where to go from here. I waited so long, what is 3 more months? After that, we have all the time in the world.”

“Ugh, you’re right.”

“Course I am. I’m always right.”

“Sure you are,” she giggles and meets his lips in another sweet kiss. “Okay, I guess I’ll see you at the end of summer.”

“I’m counting down the days, baby.”

He’s called her baby countless times before but this one feels different.

Watching her walk up towards her house is hard. All Tommy wants to do is pull her back into his arms and hold onto this moment just a little bit longer. But he knows he can’t and even if he did, he would never get enough. He would always want just a little bit more.

So he drives off knowing that by the end of summer, he’ll be able to call her his. Properly, entirely, forever.

September comes and with it the end of the world.

(Y/N) wraps the thick knitted scarf tighter around herself trying to keep out the cold. To no avail. The cold is everywhere. It's permeating every article of clothing, sinking into her skin and settling all the way inside her bones.

She barely remembers the last time she didn’t feel this relentless cold throughout her entire body. It must have been before she was forced to leave the farm. Not a day in the wild has gone by without her feeling like she might freeze any moment now. Her skin feels raw and dry and burning and the only thing taking her mind off of the cold is the empty pit in her stomach.

It’s been 2 days since she ate the last of the dried jerky she took from the farm and ever since she’s been surviving on dry crackers and nuts. It’s not a lot. It’s barely enough.

Long gone are warm summer nights in Austin or days on the farm surrounded by her family. There are no months or years. All there is now is the cold and death. And it’s never-ending.

A sound in the distance makes her head snap up. There is movement, 3 shapes moving towards her, big and fast. People on horses, she realizes as they come closer and her hand moves towards her gun. It’s not the undead walking which is good but there are worse things out there. Worse people than those that are people no more. Fates worse than death.

“Lady, drop the gun”, a voice cuts through the harsh winter air.

“Not a chance!”

“Drop the gun. We know you are alone, we can help you.”

They always say that. We are friendly. We can help you. They’re never friendly. And nowadays you can’t afford to trust strangers, especially not those who offer you help. They will leave you scarred — and that’s the best-case scenario.

It’s three men on horses that surround her now. Their faces are mostly covered by scarves and they’re all wearing cowboy hats.

“Ma’am I need you to lower the gun.”

(Y/N) pulls her scarf down a little so as not to muffle her voice. They need to know she means business. They need to know she’s determined and not some little girl who will go down without a fight. That’s what life is now, fighting. Always fighting. The living, the dead, everything at all times.

“I can’t do — “

“(Y/N)?”

It’s strange, she thinks. It’s been so long since she heard his voice and yet it feels like just yesterday that same voice has been teasing her for one thing or another. It’s deeper, worn, and weary, but it’s still the same in all the ways that matter.

“Joel?”

“It’s okay, she’s family! She’s family.”

It’s a statement directed towards the other man, (Y/N) realizes.

Family. It’s been a long time since she’s had that. A proper family. People she can rely on.

Joel dismounts his horse, snow crunching beneath his boots as he makes his way towards her. Time feels to slow down as he wraps his arms around her, warm and comforting and familiar. It’s been a long time since she’s been touched by a hand meant to bring comfort not inflict pain.

These days you can not afford to trust strangers. Maybe, though, maybe you can trust this stranger because he is not a stranger at all. He’s Joel — he’s family.

For the first time in a long time (Y/N) lets go of the weight, of the pain and the hurt and the fear. For the first time in a long time, she allows herself to cry.

And for the first time in a long time — they are happy tears.

Being in Jackson feels strange. It all feels a bit artificial. Like Disneyland. Not bad but not quite real. This can’t be permanent, she thinks. Sooner or later something is gonna happen and she’ll be ripped away and back comes the cold and the fear and the reality of the world they are living in now. A world ruled by the dead.

Joel has wrapped her up in a thick, warm blanket. He’s provided her with food, warm and tasty. Food that was not meant only to keep you alive but also taste good.

He put a steaming hot mug of tea into her frostbitten hands and he hugged her. For a long time. And Joel was never a hugger to begin with, even before — before everything. Birthdays and funerals were the only two occasions she’d ever gotten a hug from him.

“I can’t believe it’s you,” he says as he pulls away and looks at her. He’s older, looks tired and weary. Marked by life and all the things he no doubt had to do to survive. But he’s still Joel. His eyes still hold that undeniable fondness of an old friend, a family member, a father.

“Where’s Sarah?”

She doesn’t mean for it to come out like that. Doesn’t mean to even ask in the first place. But Sarah always had a place in her heart so big she might as well have taken the whole damn thing. She was fierce and so terribly smart, they all joked that she could not have been a Miller, must’ve been switched at birth. Obviously (Y/N) always thought both Miller boys were selling themselves short. They were smart as fuck in all the ways that mattered.

Joel’s eyes grow distant for a moment and he doesn’t even have to say it out loud for (Y/N) to understand. In a world like this, everyone has lost someone but losing a child, that must be a whole nother level of pain.

“I’m sorry, Joel.” There is nothing she can say to make it better, to make it right. There is only grief and sadness and the knowledge that it is shared. “I’m so sorry.”

He nods and squeezes her once more. She thinks what’s left of her heart might be crushed into tiny little pieces at the agony mirrored in his eyes. “It’s been a long time.”

Time does not heal a wound like this. It’s but a bandaid on a bullet hole. There are only two options, (Y/N) thinks. You either learn to live with the pain, accept that it is now a part of you, that it changes you fundamentally. Or you let it kill you.

A cold gust of air wraps itself around (Y/N) as the doors to the building swing open. The Tipsy Bison, the sign above the door proudly proclaimed. A bar. They even got a fucking bar in here.

“Joel wha— holy shit.”

Back when they were teenagers, (Y/N) always tried to get Tommy to grow out his hair. Though she loved those messy curls of his, she was so damn curious to see what he would look like with longer hair. Hot, she assumed. And she was fucking right.

He looks so handsome. More rugged and older but that’s to be expected, time has passed. But still so goddamn handsome that it sends a shockwave straight to her heart.

“I thought you were dead.”

She doesn’t even realize he’s moved until he is right in front of her, hands cupping her face.

“I — we drove up to Montana, tried to find the farm but most everything was gone and burned down. People said there was nothing left so I — I thought.”

“I can’t believe you grew a mustache. You look like your dad.”

Joel lets out a snort next to her. She always took pride in getting a laugh out of Joel. A snort is even better.

“We haven’t seen each other since the world went to shit and the first thing you do is make fun of my mustache?”

Oh, how she missed that smile. Tommy truly has one of the best smiles she has ever seen, there is no competition. It’s warm and comforting and a little bit mischievous. And he never fails to make you believe that you are the only one he deems deserving of that rare special smile. It’s entirely yours for a fleeting second.

“Like old times. What else would you want me to say?”

“I missed you would be a good start.”

“I missed you, Tommy. More than anything.”

He engulfs her in his arms. It’s been so long since life gave her softness instead of cruelty. His breath feels warm against her skin as he rests his head upon her shoulder. There is something so familiar about his touch that for a second she feels like that version of her again, young and careless and alive.

She loves Tommy Miller, it’s an undeniable fact. Love, (Y/N) thinks, is something that never truly goes away. It might warp and twist and change and sometimes it gets buried underneath the grief and the pain and the fear. But nothing can take it away entirely. Even the world ending, literally, doesn’t change the fact that she is in love with Tommy Miller. Every version of her since she was but a teenager has loved him. And every version of her yet to come will love him still.

“I missed you too.”

His deep brown eyes shine with something so familiar that for a moment she knows that he loves her too. Always has, always will.

The cold is back, another gust of wind clashes like tiny daggers against her skin. And with the cold comes a beautiful woman, all kind eyes and gentle smile.

And when the woman steps up next to Tommy, he wraps a loving arm around her waist and presses a kiss to her temple.

“Maria, this is (Y/N). She’s my best friend.”

The woman, Maria, regards her with nothing but kindness. A welcoming warmth radiating from her like that of an old friend, a loving neighbor.

“(Y/N), this is Maria, my wife.”

She hopes in that moment that her eyes are kind too. That her smile seems genuine and that neither of them can see her dying inside. Because for the second time in her life, (Y/N) thinks the world might be ending once and for all.

A squeeze against her hand lets her know that at least one of the Miller brothers does notice it. She hopes that Tommy, at least, is blissfully unaware. He deserves a good thing, a loving wife, a family. Even if it’s not with (Y/N). Even if it breaks her heart.

“(Y/N), Tommy’s talked about you so much. It feels like I know you already. We thought — it’s really something that you found us.”

“Well, Joel found me. It was truly by chance.”

“Which makes it even more special. It’s like you were meant to be here with us.”

She looks at Tommy then, into those big brown eyes that have known every version of herself she’s ever been.

“Yeah, maybe I was.”

“You were! You’re family. Come let me show you where you can get a nice hot shower and some fresh clothes. And then one of the boys can give you a tour of the town, how does that sound?”

This would all be so much easier if Maria was unlikable. If this was a movie Maria would be rude and snobbish and mean, unkind to everyone and so easily dismissed as a roadblock in our main character's path to happiness and eternal love.

But life is not a movie and Maria is not the villain of this story. She’s wonderful. She’s funny and sweet and affectionate. On their walk towards the showers, she makes (Y/N) feel more welcome in this strange place than she has ever felt welcome anywhere before. She’s smart and there is no doubt in (Y/N)’s mind that if Sarah were here she would adore Maria. No matter how hard she tries to find a flaw in this magical woman, (Y/N) comes up empty. There is no reason to blame her or villainize her simply for falling in love with Tommy. Heaven knows it’s the easiest thing in the world.

Even a hot shower doesn’t get rid of all the cold. Not that certain kind of cold that has settled deep inside her bones, festered and grew. But it is nice either way. God knows how long it’s been since she was able to properly wash her hair.

Maria left some clothes out for her. Nice and cozy and it’s like another stab to the heart. To know this woman wants the best for her when (Y/N) is still so terribly in love with her husband. It feels wrong, feels icky, and vile. If only love had an off switch life would be so much easier.

“Hey uh — can I come in?” Joel’s gruff voice calls out from behind the door.

“Yeah, sure.”

Snow is sticking to his hair and shoulders as he steps into the room while (Y/N) laces up the boots Maria provided her with. Back in the day, she loved snow. It very rarely did snow in Austin and even then it was usually very little snowfall that didn’t stay around for long enough to enjoy it. Back then snow was something magical.

Now snow is just another reminder of this god-awful cold.

“Maria said to give you a tour of the town and then show you your new place but uh — I know it can be a lot so if you want to postpone the tour that’s fine.”

Joel was so good at this, always has been, at knowing what you needed before you did.

“That would be nice. I think I just want to sleep.”

He nods and motions his head towards the front of the house. “I thought so. Grab your jacket and let’s go.”

Jackson is decked out in Christmas lights and wreaths. Ribbons and ornaments. There’s even a Christmas tree in the middle of town square.

“Is it Christmas time?” (Y/N) asks as they pass the tree, people greeting her with friendly smiles and the occasional wave.

“Mmmh. Tommy said they have a few people who kept track of the dates.”

The sight of smiling families gathering around the tree involuntarily brings back memories of Christmases past. Sarah always loved Christmas. If she had been allowed to do so she would’ve put up the tree by November 1st. It was always a big thing in the Miller household, going out and cutting down the tree. Joel and Tommy would set it up in the living room then and (Y/N) and Sarah would put on old Christmas records and dance around the tree while decorating it.

Memories are a weird thing. They are what keep you going, they are what you are made of but they also manage to bring a deep sadness with them, impossible to shake. They leave you simultaneously grateful to have them and devastated you can never go back to those moments.

“There’s a big get-together happening tomorrow night. It’s some kind of town celebration, I don’t know, but Maria and Tommy thought you might want to come. Said I’d ask you but you might want to get acclimated first.”

In the universe, there are very few things at the moment that (Y/N) wants to do less than spend the evening celebrating with the man she loves and his new wife. However, this is gonna be her life now and she needs to get used to it. These people took her in, and yeah even though she knows Joel and Tommy that does not mean anything anymore. She’s a stranger to the people of Jackson, to Maria, and they still welcomed her in with open arms. She owes them. She owes Maria.

"Yeah, I'll come.”

“You sure?”

“Sure, why not?”

Joel gives her that look. That signature Joel Miller look that calls you out on your bullshit without him even having to say a single word. God, usually that look was reserved for Tommy and Sarah, mostly Tommy. It does not feel very good being on the receiving end of it.

“What? I need to get involved in the community if I want to stay.”

“Sure, but it doesn’t have to be right away. “

(Y/N) shrugs her shoulders in what she hopes looks like nonchalance. Might as well rip off the bandaid, it’s not holding her bleeding wound closed anyway.

“You know you are allowed to be sad, right?”

It’s weird hearing Joel say something like this. Joel who never talked about feelings or emotions or anything like that. Who was stoic and silent when it came to things like this. Not unemotional or anything like that, he just wasn’t raised that way. He let you know he cared in other ways. No words needed.

“About what?”

“About what was taken from you.”

Snow crunches beneath their boots and the laughter of people grows distant. Silence wraps around them for a moment until Joel clears his throat and speaks up again.

“When I arrived here and Tommy told me about the baby I felt so angry. Not really at him. I was angry at the world. That he got to have this when it got ripped away from me. That in all this shitshow he got something good and precious and all I got was — just pain. I didn’t think it was okay to have a baby in these conditions but not because I didn’t want Tommy to have this, I was just scared that he’d have to go through what I had to go through. You get to be angry at life, you just can’t let it consume you.”

In another time she would’ve commented on how weird it is to hear Joel open up and be vulnerable. This is not that time though. At this moment all she can focus on is that one word “Baby”.

They’re having a baby.

“Are you okay?”

“Huh?” her eyes snap up towards Joel who regards her with concern. “Yeah, I — I’m good. Just tired and this is all so much all at once.”

“I get it. But you get to sleep now. That’s your new house.”

The house is a small one-story building that looks like it used to be painted a vibrant shade of blue once but has now faded with time.

“I live over there,” Joel points out across the street and two houses down. “Tommy and Maria live around the corner, yellow house on the right.”

“Thank you, Joel, for everything.”

“Of course. You’re family. You always will be family, you hear me?”

(Y/N) replies with a half-hearted nod which earns her a nudge against the shoulder.

“I said do you hear me? You know you will always be a part of this family, right?”

“Yes, I do. Thanks, Joel.”

“Sure. Now go get some sleep. You’re safe here. I promise.”

Sleep doesn’t come to her though. Her body is tired, her mind is exhausted but sleep avoids her.

When you’re always on the lookout for danger, never allowed to truly let your guard down, your body gets used to it. For a long time, she couldn’t afford to get a good night of deep sleep. Now that she can, her body has unlearned just how to do it, it seems.

So she makes herself a cup of tea, something they have here for everyone to enjoy in their own home, and sits down on that big comfortable couch in the living room with nothing but the ticking of the clock filling the silence and her thoughts keeping her company.

Tommy is going to be a dad. There’s no doubt in (Y/N)’s mind that he’ll be good at it. He is loving and fun but he can put his foot down when needed and he’s as protective as they come, both Millers are.

And yet —

Back when they were just teenagers (Y/N) had this stupid little vision of a future, one where Tommy and her realized that they were meant to be. In that vision, they got married on her grandparent's farm. They moved into a house next to Joel and Sarah. They bought a dog — or maybe 3. And one day she’d wake him up with kisses and tell him that she felt off for a while and finally took a test this morning. In that vision, Tommy looked at her with his beautiful Tommy Miller smile and kissed her stupid. And they both cried from happiness about what their future would hold. A little baby equal parts Tommy and (Y/N).

She feels silly basking in that little teenage daydream right now. It’s not ever going to happen. That life is gone and buried. Time to write a eulogy to a life that never was.

A quick knock pulls her from her thoughts and as she opens the door Tommy’s dark eyes look back at her.

“Hey, sorry did I wake you up?”

“No. Can’t sleep.”

Tommy nods as if he understands, she wonders if this place already existed when he arrived here or if he helped build it. So many questions and yet she feels like none of them matter at this moment.

She motions for him to step inside, desperate to close the door again and banish the cold from her house.

“Why’s that? Anything wrong with the house? The bed? We can get you relocated, get you a new bed if — “

“No, Tommy. The house is great, the bed is great. It’s none of that. I think it’s just me. My brain and body have not realized yet that this is a safe place.”

“Oh, oh yeah. Sorry, It’s been a while since I was out there. I mean permanently. It must’ve been rough.”

Rough. It was rough but at some point, you grow so tired and cold, it just is. You grow numb and maybe that’s the most dangerous feeling of them all.

“Mmh.”

They sit down on the couch and it feels strange. She hates this feeling. This man has been in her life since she was a teenager. They’ve been through so much together and yet, sitting here after all this time, it feels like they are so unfamiliar. Not strangers but close.

“If I had known you were still out there I would have kept looking for you. I — they said everything further north than — “

“Tommy it’s okay.”

“No! I need you to know that if I had even the smallest flicker of hope that you were still alive I would’ve kept looking. Every night for a long time all I could see when I closed my eyes was you. And I felt like the biggest coward on this planet because I loved you and I stopped looking for you. It’s just after Sarah, I didn’t have any hope left.”

“You thought I was dead and you had to keep yourself alive. I don’t blame you for anything Tommy.”

“Well, I do!” There are tears in his eyes threatening to fall. She’s only ever seen him cry one time and that was at his mom’s funeral. “If I would’ve just continued on I could’ve found you. I could’ve — we could’ve…”

He trails off. (Y/N) wonders if he even knew where he wanted to go with that statement in the first place.

“I loved you, (Y/N). So much. I just want you to know that. ”

Loved. Loved. Loved. Past tense.

Of course past tense you idiot. He doesn’t even know you anymore. It’s been too long. So long. It feels like another lifetime altogether.

“I know that Tommy, you told me every day on the phone.”

She remembers those phone calls like it was yesterday. Her grandparents called her a loved-up teenager, and maybe it felt like it too. But that was more. That was Tommy. Her Tommy.

Until the phones stopped working and death came knocking on her door.

“I’m just wondering what if — what if I just kept looking a little longer. I could’ve found you and maybe we’d — “

“Tommy, stop! Those what ifs, they ain't doing either of us any good.”

“Do you not think about it?”

How can he ask that? How can he not know that it's all she's thinking about?

“Of course I do. It’s all I think about. But if I let myself get lost in it then it'll kill me. What if I never went to Montana in the first place? What if I came back to look for you? What if you found me? What if what if what if. The truth of it all is that it didn't happen. You have a family now, Tommy. A wife and a - a baby. And it hurts to know that if things had been different maybe that could've been me you married and me you had a baby with. But it's not. And I do find comfort in the fact that you're happy. I just want you to be happy.”

Tommy smells like woodfire and winter as he wraps her up in his arms and buries his face in her hair. “I want you to be happy too.”

“And I will be. I am. I got you back and I got Joel. I got parts of my family back.”

“I will always love you, (Y/N). Even if I love you differently now. “

It's an unshakable truth. Love doesn't go away. It warps and changes but it never vanishes.

“I know that. I missed you, Tommy Miller.”

“Miss you too. Now … do you really hate the mustache? Does it really make me look like my dad?”

She hasn't heard her own laughter in so long. It feels magical. It feels like healing.

“Holy shit”.

“Told you they're going all out.”

The big barn is all decked out in string lights and candles. The round tables set up in circles around the dance floor all hold a beautiful floral centerpiece.

“Well glad to hear even in the apocalypse event management is still a booming business.”

Joel nudges her shoulder and hides his smile behind the rim of his beer bottle as he takes a sip.

“I wish Sarah could see this.”

“Yeah me too.” Joel agrees, his voice sounding strained. Then adds: “You'd make her dance with you, huh?”

“Oh absolutely. And she'd pretend to hate it but that girl was a dancer at heart no matter how much she tried to deny it.”

The smile she gets out of Joel now is a different one. That one isn't brought on by teasing or a bad joke. That one is all love. Shared love for someone so deeply missed. That smile means a lot more.

Maria and Tommy make their way towards Joel and (Y/N), smiles on their faces.

“You made it! The boys weren't sure if you were up for it yet but I was hoping you'd show yourself.”

Maria's words never sound like there is any hidden meaning or agenda behind them. She's honest and true and just so straight-up nice it's hard to comprehend.

“I'm not going to lie, it's a bit weird. Not you guys just … the whole situation. Going from surviving day by day to a party with lights and drinks and music.”

“Is it a good weird?” Maria asks, a look of concern on her face.

“It's a great weird.”

“Good, I'm glad. Now I heard some stories about you back in the day and if I'm not mistaken someone here still owes you a dance.”

Back when they were just kids, Tommy and (Y/N) had planned to attend prom together. Just as friends, nothing more. Silent pining included. Unfortunately, his reckless driving landed Tommy at the hospital just a week before the big day. 2 days later he came limping out of that very hospital, a cast on his foot and crutches under his arms.

“Sorry about that,” he said as he slid into the passenger seat of (Y/N)’s car. “I guess I owe you a dance, huh?”

She has almost forgotten about that memory, it feels so distant. Like it happened to someone else and all she got to be is a voyeur in that person’s love story. The fact that Tommy remembers though, means so much to her. And not only does he remember, but he deems the memory so important he even told his wife about it.

“I guess so.”

“I made sure he didn’t go slipping on any ice or falling off a horse before tonight. Won’t let him get out of the dance a second time.”

Maria’s words make (Y/N) laugh. It feels so good to laugh. Maybe this can be a good thing. Tommy and Maria and Joel and the whole Jackson settlement. Maybe it doesn’t have to be all heartbreak.

“ Oh, come on. Is this how it’s gonna be now? You two are gonna team up against me?”

“Three of us, actually.” Joel jumps in making Tommy scoff though a small smirk is pulling the corner of his lip upwards.

“Whatever.” he holds out his hand towards (Y/N) and in his dark eyes the fairy lights are reflected like tiny stars in an inky night sky. “May I have this dance, my lady?”

There’s a man with a guitar sitting on the little stage at the other end of the room, and as Tommy and (Y/N) reach the middle of the dancefloor, his fingers begin to strum the very familiar cords of a song she hasn’t thought about it years.

“Did you know he would play this?”

Tommy doesn’t even try to hide his smirk. He even looks a little proud of himself. It breaks and mends her heart all at once. “Might’ve put in a request with him.”

“They say that these are not the best of times But they're the only times I've ever known”

It’s a hit straight to the chest, hearing this song again. The last time she heard it was that fateful fourth of July. When life was easy and the earth was kind.

These are not the best of times, Billy Joel is right about that, but as Tommy slowly sways them both to the melody, she thinks that maybe this isn’t all bad. She is here, she’s found him again and the love is still there. Even if it is different now. She has him back. Has Joel back too. And maybe as time goes by she can grow to see Maria as an extension of her little family. A friend even. She sure is lovable, that’s for sure.

“In another life, we would’ve danced to this song at our wedding.” Tommy’s voice softly murmurs into her ear. “I would’ve loved to be your husband.”

And while she wants to pull him closer and tell him that he still can, that she is here now and the future they imagined can still happen, the rational part of her knows that those dreams are officially dead and buried. With their loved ones and their old selves.

“And I would’ve loved to be your wife.”

“I’m sorry we — “

“Tommy, it’s okay. I’m glad for that little time we got. And look, we found each other again. I got you back and I got Joel and maybe a whole new family too,” (Y/N) says, and lets her eyes wander around the room for a moment. “It’s not what I envisioned sure, but It’s more than a lot of people have. I think all things considered I am very lucky.”

“It's either sadness or euphoria.”

Maybe Billy Joel wasn’t completely right when he wrote that song, she thinks.

Within all the heartbreak of coming to terms with the fact that she will never have the future she wanted, there is hope and joy in knowing that she found a place where a future is possible. Not the one she thought she’d get but a good one either way.

Maybe Billy Joel was wrong.

Maybe there can be sadness and euphoria all at once.

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