Incorrect Losers Club

Probably headcanons too sometimes They/Them Canon can suck it :)

[incorrect-losers]

Stan: Went to the pharmacy to buy my depression meds but I was also buying draino for my shower and the pharmacist ringing me up goes "that too?" And I said "yeah just in case the meds don't work" and she did not laugh

[incorrect-losers]

Mike: They’ve done studies, you know. 60% of the time, it works every time

Ben: That doesn’t make sense

[incorrect-losers]

Eddie: I’m gonna fake an epileptic seizure

Stan: You are not an epileptic

Eddie: That’s why I’m gonna fake it

[incorrect-losers]

Greta: I don’t know, I just asked chat to summarize

The losers: *completely blank faced*

Stan *rubbing his eyes*: Jesus

[incorrect-losers]

The losers: *cleaning up*

Stan *holding a plate*: Don’t you dare add to this mess

Bev: There’s a cockroach on that dish

Stan: Aah! *drops and shatters the plate*

Eddie: *Smashes another plate*

Stan: What’d you do that for?!

Eddie: I was helping!

Bill: We’re smashing stuff?

Bill: *throws mug on the ground*

Stan: STOP IT!

[incorrect-losers]

Bill: Are you sure Richie's even gay? He's barely even looked at me

[incorrect-losers]

Greta: You do not want to start with me today, Marsh

Bev: Are you sure? It was in my day planner under "Goals”

[incorrect-losers]

Richie *trying to get advice to handle his crush on Eddie*: I just kept talking, I couldn’t stop!

Bev: Isn’t that, I dunno, life for you?

[incorrect-losers]

Bill: So if you were on a plane that crashed and Tom Hanks and Diane Keaton were on it too and they died and you survived who would you eat first?

Ben: Am I the only other person on the plane?

Bill: Yup

Ben: What about the pilots?

Bill: It’s an experimental aircraft, all automated

Ben: Well maybe that’s why it went down

Bill: Well the technology still needed more study, yes, but the Pentagon was getting impatient and they wanted results so they pushed up the launch

Ben: Wait why wouldn’t they have a seasoned flight crew on board instead of two actors?

Bill: Oscar winning actors

Ben: Fair enough

Bill: These are taxpayer dollars, they need the public’s interest for support or the funding dries up

Ben: Wait, since when does the military need public support to fund experimental aircraft?

Bill: Would you eat Tom Hanks or Diane Keaton?!

Ben: I’d start with Diane and then if I didn’t get rescued I’d move on to Tom

Bill: Yeah, see I think it’s weird you have an opinion one way or another

[incorrect-losers]

Greta: *Picking food from her teeth*

Stan: God, look at Greta picking food from her teeth with her nail. Someone should tell her she’s a pig

Eddie: Greta, you’re a pig!

Stan: No! You’re not supposed to actually do it, we were just talking here. Oh now she’s crying, that’s not what I wanted

Eddie: Stop crying you bitch!

[incorrect-losers]

Richie *to Bill*: If we get eaten, whatever's left of me is kicking your butt

[incorrect-losers]

Richie: You’re so hot. Let me smoke your earwax like a dab

Eddie: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YO-

[incorrect-losers]

Mike: Stanley! Stanley! In school, we learned the coolest thing. There were these people who did this broadcast and convinced everyone that aliens were landing

Mike: So what we do, is we wait for Bill to fall asleep and then we flash some lights outside his window. And then we go to the TV, but we’ll have made a tape

Stan: Mike! You’re totally overthinking this

Stan: Bill! Aliens landed down the street!

Bill *bursting in wearing a football helmet holding a bat*: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

[incorrect-losers]

Bill: How you feeling, Eddie?

Eddie: Saint like

Bill: Come again?

Eddie: Saint like

Eddie *pointing at his cheek*: I’m holy

[incorrect-losers]

Bev: We’ll wear disguises, and if it looks like trouble, we’ll leave

Stan: Yeah, because we always leave before we get into trouble

[incorrect-losers]

Richie *trying out improv*: I need a historical event. Who’s got an event?

Eddie: 9/11!

Richie: Oh uh ok maybe something else

Richie: Alright uh let’s start with a person

Mike: Robin Williams!

Richie: Ok alright for real guys for real who’s got a person?

Stan: Robin Williams on 9/11!

[incorrect-losers]

Ben: Hang onto the door, okay?

Richie: Can I slam it on Eddie’s balls?

Eddie: So you admit I have balls?

Richie: Yeah, they hang out of your vagina