Outside the government, beyond the police.

'Fighting for the future on behalf of the human race. The 21st century is when everything changes. And Torchwood may or may not be ready.'

[incorrect-torchwood-quotes]

Jack: what are you doing here, in five words or less

John: out

For

A

Walk

John: *visibly thinking*

John: Bitch

[incorrect-torchwood-quotes]

Ianto: Jack, you need to come back to the HUB, there’s a rift alert.

Jack: Uhh... yeah, okay I’m almost done here. I’m buying clothes.

Ianto: okay, well, hurry up.

Jack: I can’t find them

Ianto: what?

Jack: I can’t find the clothes, there’s only soup.

Ianto: what

Jack: there’s only SOUP.

Ianto: then get out of the soup aisle!

Jack: okay, geez don’t yell at me! *walks to the next asile* there’s more soup!

Ianto: then go to the next asile!

Jack: THERE’S JUST SOUP

Ianto: Jack where the hell are you!?

Jack: IM AT SOUP!

Ianto: what STORE ARE YOU IN

Jack: THE SOUP STORE

Ianto: WHY ARE YOU BUYING CLOTHES

Ianto: AT THE SOUP STORE?!

[incorrect-torchwood-quotes]

Jack: why are you suprised I wanted to take you on a normal date? We’re not that unorthodox.

Ianto: you’re a friendly, time-traveling, omnisexual immortal alien who runs a secret non government agency to hunt other not so friendly and non immortal aliens and after coming back from an adventure with your other time traveling friend who rides around in a police box that is bigger on the inside and may also be immortal and who apparently took you to the end of the universe and then came back and aided and abetted the murder of the prime minister of Great Britain- who was also an alien and also quite insane. After that you came home and you encountered your crazy ex lover who wanted revenge for you not being in love with him and who hit on a poodle. And now your on a date with a traumatized socially awkward bisexual 21st century tea boy who leans more towards women anyhow. Name one thing that is orthodox about this situation.

Jack: ...

Ianto: I can go on. There’s a list.

[incorrect-torchwood-quotes]

*The team is playing truth or dare*

Owen: Ianto, I dare you -

Jack: Ianto isn't allowed to accept dares.

Ianto: Apparently I have 'no regard for my personal safety'.

[incorrect-torchwood-quotes]

Tosh: Are you saying Owen is in trouble or is the trouble?

Gwen: ... kind of both.

[incorrect-torchwood-quotes]

Owen: I think you owe me an apology.

Ianto: I'LL APOLOGISE TO YOU IN HELL!

Owen:

Ianto: Actually I don't know what this is about, sorry I took such a hard stance.

[incorrect-torchwood-quotes]

Ianto: I just want to do cool secret agent stuff.

Ianto: Like going to parties.

Ianto: And arson.

[incorrect-torchwood-quotes]

Jack: So, what's next for you?

John: I'm turning over a new leaf. Maybe explore the land, settle down, find some peace of mind at last.

Jack: You're going to go right back to killing people, aren't you?

John: That's very much on the table.

[incorrect-torchwood-quotes]

Owen: Don't you have somewhere better to be? Like, getting your beauty sleep?

Jack: I don't need sleep to be beautiful.

[incorrect-torchwood-quotes]

Tosh: What does 'take out' mean?

Ianto: Food.

Gwen: Dating.

Owen: Murder.

Jack: It can mean all three if you're not a coward.

[incorrect-torchwood-quotes]

Ianto: I love you.

Jack: Is that you or the alcohol talking?

Ianto: It's me, talking to the alcohol.

[incorrect-torchwood-quotes]

Gwen: if you had to bring one person to a deserted island, who would it be?

Owen: Ianto.

Ianto: What? Why?

Owen: Because if I have to suffer so do you.

[incorrect-torchwood-quotes]

John: Am I a bad boy?

Jack: Yeah, you've been bad.

John: oh yeah? How bad am I?

Jack: You're a fucking nightmare, to be honest.

[incorrect-torchwood-quotes]

Jack: Help me with this crossword puzzle. I need a four letter word for 'dissapointment'.

Gwen: Owen.

Jack: ...

Jack: it fits.

[incorrect-torchwood-quotes]

Ianto: Can you pick up milk?

Jack: Yeah, it's pretty easy.

Ianto: No, I meant from the store.

Jack: I'd imagine it weighs the same there.

[incorrect-torchwood-quotes]

Owen: I know we don't always see eye to eye on things,

Ianto: That's cause you're too short.

[incorrect-torchwood-quotes]

Random alien: I'm here to kidnap you.

Ianto: I'll have to ask my boss first.

Random alien: Wait, that's not how this wor-

Ianto: He said no.