Incorrect Boston Gang Quotes

The gorgeous ladies and gentlemen of mid-19th Century Boston were some of the most hilarious walking disasters in all of American history. This blog does not use their real quotes, but these might as well be.

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Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr: Bought my family customized t-shirts with my face on them. They loved it.

(Source: Tumblr)

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“Birth is a curse and existence is a prison...”

Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. at literally any point between 1864 and 1935.

(Source: The Good Place)

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Rest in fucking pieces, Spam Howe.

Julia: I just slept for 15 hours what did I miss?

Sam: This dick.

Julia: Oh thank god I thought I missed something big.

Theodore: Officer I would like to report a murder.

Source: tumblr

[parkersrevenge]

For your consideration: The Boston Gang, and the McDonalds meme.

(Featuring Charles Dickens, because all of Boston was gay for him.)

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Charles Sumner: Jesus Christ, you know?You do your best. You try to serve the people and then they just fuck you over. And you know why? Because they’re ignorant and they’re dumb as shit.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is democracy.

(Source: Veep)

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William Lloyd Garrison, deeply distressed: LEAPING LIZARDS!

Samuel Gridley Howe: I know you’re under a lot of stress right now, but watch your fucking language.

(Source: @ice---queen, IRL)

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Honestly, this particular meme was a long time coming, no justification needed.

Sam Howe: ... would you fuck a clone of yourself? Henry Longfellow: I would not have sex with my clone because what if my clone was evil? Charles Sumner: I don’t want to fuck my clone because my self-loathing is THAT strong. Julia Ward Howe: To be honest, fucking my clone has always been my fantasy. Charley Longfellow: It’s basically the same as masturbating, right? So no big deal. Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr: It’s not the same as masturbating; it’d be like having sex with your twin. Wrong and bad! Wendy Holmes: Not only would I have sex with my clone, I’d probably make a bunch of clones and just get it on with all of them at once because that’s how pro-clone fucking I am. Theodore Parker: You guys are nasty and I’m, frankly, a little concerned.

Source: Tumblr.

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A Rare Display of Affection

John Quincy Adams: Why are you squeezing me with your body?

John Adams: It's a hug, John. I'm hugging you.

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Holmes Sr. and Jr. don’t mean to antagonize one another. It just happens. On a daily basis. Intentionally.

Source: tumblr

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One of Sam Howe’s worst habits was making fun of Cornelius Felton’s weight (i.e. that time he said Felton should be the subject of a butter sculpture).  Sure, Felton had some seriously bad politics, but that’s still a very low blow.

Sam Howe: I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals.  We figured with all the bacon you eat you might taste like it.  It’s a chance we are willing to take with your life...don’t forget that we love you.

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Meanwhile in the Antebellum Senate...

Charles Sumner: Do I stutter?

Stephen Douglas: Oh, okay, fair enough. Oh, you know what? [takes his handkerchief out of his pocket and tosses it to Sumner] You might want to borrow this.

William Seward: Ew, no one wants your dirty underwear, Douglas.

Stephen Douglas: It's not dirty underwear, it's a white flag. And you may as well start waving it right now, Sumner.

Charles Sumner: THE ONLY THING I WILL BE WAVING IS YOUR DECAPITATED HEAD ON A STICK IN FRONT OF YOUR WEEPING MOTHER.

Henry Wilson: [disturbed/disgusted face]

Stephen Douglas: Good lord.

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“Coleslaw, Wendell, get it???”

“I literally hate you right now.”

-Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr and Jr, most definitely.

Source: tumblr

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Part of the reason Reverend Parker probably chose Unitarianism as his faith was because he wouldn’t have to sit through confessions like these.

Source: twitter

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Nathaniel Hawthorne, a concise history:

Look, no more talking, okay? I don’t like talking. I don’t like chatter and questions. And, “How are you? Oh I’m fine!” “How are you? I’m fine too.”

NEWS FLASH. Nobody’s fine.

Source: Finding Dory

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You know the man you truly are, Carlos! This heart is where you truly live! This heart! Here! This flesh is only flesh!

Henry Longfellow to a depressed Charles Sumner

[fauvester]

stephen douglas: i am skeptical of the concept of ‘too big to fail’, since charles sumner is extremely big, and he fails constantly

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Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr. and Amelia Holmes- you cannot convince me that their relationship wasn’t like this.

Holmes: Aww, babe... you had a crush on me... that’s embarrassing.

Amelia: We’re married...

Holmes: Still...

Source: Parks & Rec