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[After fucking around all day]

Etta: Anyone else have the weird urge to lecture themselves?

Etta, as Roger: Etta, what are you doing?

Roger, appearing from behind Etta: Etta, what are you doing?

Etta: I conjured him.

#the bridge #the bridge podcast #etta perrault #roger kaplan #s: b99

Etta: I know I haven’t exactly proposed to Kate yet, but in my head we already have a house, two kids, and a dog.

#the bridge #the bridge podcast #etta perrault #ketta

Etta: The next time Roger's angry with me, I'll drape him in a cape and say, "Now you're super angry."

Etta: Maybe he'll laugh, maybe I'll die.

#the bridge #the bridge podcast #etta perrault

Bertie: I’m kind of crushing on someone... but I’m worried about telling you who it is cause you’re not going to like it...

Etta: Just rip the bandage off.

Bertie: It’s Roger.

Etta: Put the bandage back on.

Etta: AND LEAVE IT ON!

#the bridge #the bridge podcast #bertie renard #etta perrault #kapnard

Kate: Hello? Bertie, where on earth are you?

Bertie: (on the phone) I waved to a man because I thought he was waving at me. Apparently, he was waving to the guy behind me. So to get out of the awkward situation, I kept my hand up so a taxi pulled over and drove me to the port. I am now in Kazimierz. I should be home by Thursday.

Kate: Wait, wha-

Roger: Understandable, have a nice day.

#the bridge #the bridge podcast #kate burnham #bertie renard #roger kaplan

Kate: Who traumatized you?

Roger: Do you want a list?

Kate:

Kate with her guns out: Yeah actually.

#the bridge #the bridge podcast #kate burnham #roger kaplan

Etta: Being gay is a constant battle between "I wish to sit on a window bench with my lover, our legs tangling as we listen to the birds" and "Hey, let's go throw rocks at fascists" and I think that's very sexy of us.

Bertie: If the window's open and you time it right, you can do both.

#the bridge #the bridge podcast #etta perrault #bertie renard

Bertie: Can we go to a haunted house?

Etta: What’s wrong with the one we live in?

Bertie: Wh- What?

Etta: Goodnight Bertrand.

#the bridge #the bridge podcast #bertie renard #etta perrault

Etta: Kate, can you pay for this for me?

Kate: Oh, sure.

Bertie: Hold on, she can't just pay for you!

Kate, offended: Why not? I'm Etta's wife, I get her anything she likes.

Bertie: We're playing Monopoly!!!

Etta: You're just mad Roger doesn't pay for you.

Bertie: Also that!

Roger, who's not even playing: ???

#the bridge #the bridge podcast #etta perrault #kate burnham #bertie renard #roger kaplan #ketta #kapnard

Kate: How do you want your coffee?

Bertie: Black, like my soul.

Kate:

Kate: Bertie, your soul is a latte.

#the bridge #the bridge podcast #kate burnham #bertie renard

Bertie: How are you today?

Etta: Please don’t make me think about my life.

#the bridge #the bridge podcast #bertie renard #etta perrault #s: tumblr

Etta: FOUR MONTHS!

Kate: Why is she yelling at you?

Bertie: Just ignore her-

Etta: THATS HOW LONG YOU WATCHED ME WATER A FAKE PLANT!

#the bridge #the bridge podcast #etta perrault #kate burnham #bertie renard

Etta: We need to open this locked door. Roger, give me your credit card.

Roger: Here.

Etta, pocketing it: Thanks. Kate, break down the door.

#the bridge #the bridge podcast #etta perrault #roger kaplan #kate burnham

Etta: If murdered, I want a closed-casket funeral. However, towards the end of the service, please have the organist play "Pop Goes the Weasel" over and over until everyone in attendance is staring at my coffin with mute, horrified anticipation.

#the bridge #the bridge podcast #etta perrault #s: tumblr

Etta: *holding her newborn child* They’re so beautiful.

Doctor: We’re gonna have to give them some shots.

Etta: Oh, hell yeah! Pour up, it’s their birthday.

Kate: Etta no-

#the bridge #the bridge podcast #etta perrault #kate burnham

Etta: How do tall people people possibly sleep at night when the blanket can't possibly cover you?

Bertie: Etta, it's four o'clock in the morning.

Etta: So, you can't sleep, huh? Is it because of the blanket?

#the bridge #the bridge podcast #etta perrault #bertie renard

Kate: HYDRATE OR DIE-DRATE!

Kate: *aggressively throws water bottles*