Incorrect King Falls AM Quotes

Totally real quotes from the podcast King Falls AM. Feel free to send in submissions!

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Jack: I would never say that my boyfriend is a bitch and I don’t like him

Jack: My boyfriend is a bitch and I like him so much

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Sammy: My problem is you, Kermit. We told you to leave Emily alone, and if you don't, I swear to God, I'm gonna murder you in your sleep. I know where you live, right? I'm gonna get a melon baller and scoop your eyes out and eat them, and Granny Frickard is gonna have to buy you a dog to drag your eyeless face around. Do you understand me?

Greg, terrified: ... yes

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Ron: Sammy Stevens! I want to thank you for being so ruthless and cruel on the radio the other day.

Sammy: You’ll have to be more specific.

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Sammy, about Grisham: Hey, we’re still gonna assassinate him, right?

Ben: Don’t say that!

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Ben: You are wildly, insanely depressed.

Sammy: Depressed? I'm the furthest thing from depressed. I mean, look at what I’ve accomplished. Do you see this? *holds up a bowl of overnight oats* Do you think a depressed person could make this? No.

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What’s wrong, Sammy? I mean currently, we don’t have time for the whole tapestry.

Lily Wright

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Troy: We'll go with you.

Ben: I can't risk losing anyone I care about.

Pete: I'll go.

Ben: Okay.

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When I’m feeling really fancy, I’ll make popcorn on the stove instead of in the microwave.

Ben Arnold

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Emily: Ben, I'm a little concerned.

Ben: I know, I've been wearing these jeans for seven months straight. I'm going to wash them this weekend.

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Jacob: Would you fuck a clone of yourself?

Cynthia: I don't want to fuck my clone because that would be gay sex and I'm not gay.

Maggie: I'm not gay, but I would actually totally fuck my clone.

Ron: I'm gay, but I still don't want to fuck my clone, that's gross and weird.

Sammy: I don't want to fuck my clone because my self-loathing is THAT strong.

Archie: I'd totally fuck my clone because I want to know if I'm good in bed.

Lily: I'd fuck my clone because who would know better how to fuck ME than ME?

Ben: I'd totally do all sort of weird things to my clone I'd be embarrassed to ask someone else to do.

Doyle: To be honest, fucking my clone has always been my fantasy.

Emily: It's basically the same as masturbating, right? So no big deal.

Troy: It's not the same as masturbating. It'd be like having sex with your twin. Wrong and bad!

Tim: I would not have sex with my clone because what if my clone is evil.

Jacob: Not only would I have sex with my clone, I'd probably make a bunch of clones and just get it on with all of them at once because that's how pro clone-fucking I am.

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Lily, you’re here! I thought I heard self-righteous clomping.

Sammy Stevens

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Maggie: Well, now I feel like an asshole.

Ben: When do you not?

Maggie: Almost always. I really like me.

Ben: Baffling.

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I wish I could put him in a giant envelope and mail him away from all the bad guys.

Sammy [about Ben]

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Robo Tim: You think robots are just machines built by humans to make their lives easier.

Tim: Well, aren't they?

Robo Tim: I've never made anyone's life easier and you know it.

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When crows remember people who wronged them and hold grudges, it’s ‘intelligent’ and ‘really cool’ but when I do it I’m ‘petty’ and ‘need to move on’.

Lily Wright

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Lily: How dumb does Sammy think we are?

Ben: Sometimes he leaves me pictures of food instead of a shopping list.

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Ben: Someone has to go to Beauregard and confront him.

Sammy: I vote we all look at Lily at the same time.