Incorrect KISS quotes

(Probably) Totally accurate things these guys might have said over the years. Submissions are open.

[incorrectkiss]

Ace: If you were a milkshake, which milkshake would you be?

Peter: I would be a banana and chocolate milkshake. With sprinkles on top and pop rocks mixed into it.

Peter: .... Poured over somebody's head.

[incorrectkiss]

Eric S: No matter how hard you work and how big a celebrity you become, you'll never be as famous as cheese.

[incorrectkiss]

Ace: It's hard to have an existential crisis when everything is so pretty.

[incorrectkiss]

Bruce: Don't make fame your goal. Make your goal doing what you do to the best of your ability, and that's something no one can take away from you.

[incorrectkiss]

Eric C: Mark mistakenly ordered me nine pizzas. I wasn't sure if I should keep them or not because I really enjoy pizza, but when I opened them up, it was pineapple and ham and I'm allergic to pineapple.

[incorrectkiss]

Mark: The pedophilia stuff has always just been a bonus.

[incorrectkiss]

Gene: The only people who don't like sluts are the people who don't get any.

[incorrectkiss]

Peter: There's two things that bond two friends to life as brothers, and that's beating other men up and watching porn together.

[incorrectkiss]

Paul: Since I'm going to be gone for a while, I've left you all a complimentary bowl of advice.

Paul, picking out a piece of paper: For example, "Ace, stop doing that," applies to just about everything.

[incorrectkiss]

*ordering cake over the phone*

“And what would you like the cake to say?”

Ace: [covers phone to ask Peter]

Ace: Do we want a talking cake?

[incorrectkiss]

Gene: ARE YOU CRAZY?!

Ace: YES!

[incorrectkiss]

Peter: That is awfully optimistic.

Ace: I don't know, it's that new year's spirit, it hasn't worn off yet.

Ace: The new year's spirit is cocaine, but the point is it hasn't worn off yet.

[incorrectkiss]

Paul: Ace, not that I don’t appreciate your efforts, but exactly where did the money for these come from?

Ace: I did a thing.

Paul: A thing?

Ace: Best not talk about the thing.

Paul: We’ll talk about the thing later.

[incorrectkiss]

*Gene walks into the room*

Eric S, thinking: My person has arrived. He is cute, smart, and I love him. I must greet him in a manner indicative of my appreciation for his existence.

Eric S, out loud: Hey, nerd.

[incorrectkiss]

Peter, after taking a xanax pill, standing alone in the kitchen at 3 AM eating cheese and sipping from a glass of wine: Self care.

[incorrectkiss]

Eric C: A mosquito tried to bite me and I slapped it and killed it

Eric C: And then I started to think…

Eric C: Like it was just trying to get food.

Eric C: What if I went to the fridge and it just slammed the door shut and snapped my neck.

Eric C: How would I feel?

Bruce:...

Bruce: Are you okay?

[incorrectkiss]

Eric S: Exercise is so important for a healthy lifestyle. That’s why I do yoga daily. 

Eric S: *is lying face down on the floor*

Gene: You can’t just do the “corpse” pose for an hour.

Eric S: Watch me.