unveiled, jumbled, odd

word-vomitting my feelings into messy, sloppy words

[indefinitesatellites]

Code Blue: You're Losing Me

Kode biru, kode biru. Sepertinya kamu mulai kehilangan aku.

Semua hal yang hidup dan mati di dunia ini fana, tapi siapa sangka kita bukan pengecualiannya? Kamu enggak perlu menyesalinya apalagi menyedihinya. Buat apa menangisi sesuatu yang sebentar lagi menjumpai masa terminasinya? Enggak ada yang menduga kalau ruang ternyata bukan solusi tepatnya. Spasi yang ditunggu habis sebagai penyembuh justru mengambil bentuk sebagai eksekutornya.

Tanganmu di dadaku, berusaha hidupkan kembali sesuatu yang sekarat. Jangan berhenti, jangan berhenti, jangan berhenti; dikumandangkan berulang bak doa yang membawa segenap harap untuk selamat. Tapi, fajar masih lama terbit kalau kamu menunggu mukjizat.

Kamu bakal kehilangan aku. Aku enggak tahu sudah berapa lama ia membeku. Mungkin dari dingin pertama kali datang dan kamu terlalu sibuk untuk bertamu. Mungkin semenjak aku biarkan ragu menetap tanpa dihalangi tenggat, ia mengeras jadi belenggu. Kesempatan tergelincir dari genggaman kita dan terbawa pergi bak angin lalu.

Sudahi semua usaha kamu. Kamu sudah kehilangan aku. Enggak ada yang bisa dilakukan untuk membangunkan kembali sesuatu yang terlampau layu. Merah di tanganmu bukan permanen dan akan pudar terhapus waktu. Lagu kita enggak akan selamanya terdengar sendu. Angkat tanganmu dan deklarasikan waktu mati jantungku yang berhenti berdetak untuk kamu.

[indefinitesatellites]

manis

Manis. Kamu menjengit waktu kupanggil begitu. Tanganmu berhenti mainkan ikal rambutku; kebingungan terbingkai lewat kerutan di jembatan hidungmu, hangat di pangkuanku hilang ketika kamu angkat kepalamu dari sana. Aku nggak manis, yang manis itu kamu. Enggak tahu kenapa kamu menolak dipanggilnya. Padahal kamu itu benar-benar manis; mungkin memang kamu enggak sadar. Aku cuma balas tawa. Menolak disebut manis justru bikin kamu makin manis, loh.

Pandangmu masih belum lepas dariku. Kalau boleh berharap, saat ini aku ingin punya kekuatan super. Untuk tahu apa isi pikiran kamu sekarang, untuk hentikan waktu saat ini sehingga aku kekal jadi objek pandang kamu selamanya, untuk—pokoknya, kekuatan apa saja, deh!

Karena aku enggak ingat bagaimana detik selanjutnya bergulir. Yang kuingat cuma manis di bibirku pindah ke kamu. Hangat tanganmu di pipiku meleleh hingga ke pangkal hati dan tinggalkan bekas di sana. Indra pengecapku kelabakan, aku bisa rasakan manis di mana-mana; di sini, di tengah-tengah pertemuan kamu dan aku. Kamu kelewat manis, aku nyaris gila, kayaknya. Waktu tautan kita terlepas, ada seberkas jejak manis tinggal di bibir bawahmu. Kamu cuma menyeringai. Nyebelin, tapi aku enggak benar-benar kesal. Menurut kamu, aku masih manis kalau udah gini? Aku tersenyum. Ekstra manis.

[indefinitesatellites]

haunted

you haunt me in my happiest dream. you haunt me in my worst nightmare. but when the sun’s up, i wake up to the absence of you. this feeling that lurks in my every step, tell me what should i do to get rid of your gripping shadow? what more do you want from me? has my heart which you once dear and held ever so tightly until you dropped it into shatters wasn’t enough? you hate me for your life, and i hate you for loving you too much, i can’t find it in my heart to do that.

[indefinitesatellites]

stolen glances

i caught you stealing some glances at me through the car lens, but maybe i did too when you were looking somewhere else. maybe i did it first because i looked away when our eyes met and i felt like a cat getting caught red-handed with a fish in its mouth. hold on, i think i did it first.

what is it in your direction that always captured me breathless? because right now, everywhere i look, i see you. i count all the seconds i spent to look at you while hoping you wouldn't notice. you made me stupid.

i know well that this is a tug-of-war game of heart and someone later has to swallow the loss. so, i intend to conquer this game and celebrate on top. but why do i sometimes wish the world would stop for a moment, so then i could look at you just another minute longer than i allow myself to?

i caught myself glancing at you again, you didn't notice.

[indefinitesatellites]

“Skin me alive as you unravel me. Eat me alive as I will live inside you.” / “I will eat you alive.”

Aku mau kamu jadi hidangan perjamuan terakhirku.

Bibirmu akan jadi pembuka perjamuan teramat legit dan tak ada dua. Ranum pula semerah delima. Dari bibir ini, kata-kata manis nan sayang pernah terlontar; karenanya, kutinggalkan cium untuk terakhir kali.

Sepasang kelereng mata cokelat serupa kacang almon yang berkilau indah kamu siapkan sebagai kudapan di atas meja. Oh, mana mungkin aku takkan tergoda. Mata cantik ini cuma lihat aku satu-satunya dan abai pada pandangan yang bukan aku.

Luka hati yang mengucur deras di antara renggang hatimu mungkinlah anggur termanis yang pernah aku reguk. Duka, dengki, dan sukacitamu melebur jadi sebuah rasa yang pekat nan kompleks; kusambut kamu beserta gelap terangmu sepenuhnya.

Tapi, jiwamu adalah sajian utamanya. Pemeran paling dinanti malam ini. Suci, tak tersentuh, dan paling jujur. Sebab biar mata dan bibir bisa berbohong, jiwa tak pernah bisa sangkal apa yang sebenar-benarnya kamu ingin. Dan yang terpenting, milikku seutuhnya.

Lalu bagian favoritku, sekaligus penutup perjamuan epik ini, sebongkah jantung yang cuma berdetak pada suara dan sentuhanku, pun selalu menginginkanku penuh hasrat. Seperti aku yang akan selalu mendamba kamu. Aku sama saja sedang menyantap jantung sendiri.

To love is to be feasted upon. Kamu adalah hidangan perjamuan paling lezat.

[indefinitesatellites]

This Was Written 30 Minutes After You Left

I always said, “I am at my best when I am alone.” It is done purposedly to put up a tough mask I so want people to acknowledge. I want people to think of me as strong, invulnerable, and nothing can hurt me.

But truth is, I enjoy alone only for its half portion. I did not accept it as whole, for I still crave a warm company. Like yesterday. Like a week ago. Like the last few weeks. Like a month before.

It was morning when we met; and it was morning too when we bid farewell. Our companionship was brief, but I did not expect the connections would have been this intimate. I made you laugh and you made my days easier with happiness. I may not good at remembering things, but I knew I have not laughed this year like the way you made me during those short time.

And I knew you has left. I knew we would get back to live each other’s life. Still, my eyes would wildly search you in the middle of an empty room. Wishing you might have leave traces I can stare at, so then, I would know some parts of you remained. Your key, your meds, the back of your phonecase, your shirt; they all have gone.

I learned it the hard way. I always learned it the hard way. Exposing myself to your warmth means I am showing you my vulnerability. And perhaps, I have been doing it unconsciously, tearing off my armor piece by piece; without ever truly realizing, that I slowly let go of my weightful pride for this desire of having your company.

I started to understand now at why people despise being alone; because then, the one you can talk to is your mind. Only God knows how terrifying my current state of mind right now. And talking to you sure was more than nice. Your presence around cease my sorrow. I can breathe easier when I see you.

So, it makes sense if your absence leaves a big gap hole inside me. Had I could remember details very well, I would have not mourned our parting for I can only remember fragments of our time together, it is not enough. You have left and I do not have vivid memories of how the past month goes. My chest feels heavy of many things, but sure it is despair.

Longing. Hoping. Selfishly. That you would have stay another day here, instead of leave when the actual day comes, so I would not be left wondering, “will you remember me the same way I do?”

— 08.30.

[indefinitesatellites]

Maybe We Were Fated For Doom

Maybe we were fated for doom from the start.

I was the fearsome swordsman who would not hesitate to paint red all over the town, and you were a hopeful young woman whose only dream was to live in peace with your lover. These walls that were always standing stall never once had I given a thought to demolish.

But I knew, since the moment you were soaked in rain blood, to the moment my blade met your soft skin, I knew this love would ruin me. I accept you to ruin me.

The comfort life of solitude I pursued has become a little lonelier when I do not wake up to the smell of your cooks. The raging snowstorm outside has become a little bit colder when I do not meet your face the moment I open my eyes.

Our soul is bound to love for a time. The warmth in your hand used to caress me gently has turned as cold as a winter’s night. The heartbeat I once listened to so closely was not as pounding as it had been the night before. The souls of the people I took were mocking me; for I have made myself a great fool to think that I deserve to love.

Love has saved me and it is also love that destroyed me.

By the lips of mine, I swear to protect you. And also by this hand of mine, I took the life out of you.

These feelings I heartily welcome with open hands are now the cause of my endless sorrow. The ghost of you will continue to haunt me in every sleepless night. For the grief I made you go through, for the pain I have greatly caused you, for the promise I am unable to fulfil. And throughout my life, I would be unable to get rid of the rotten ache inside.

So, take it, take this heart you loved so fondly until you decided to rip it away to your grave. Bury it, stab it, burn it, make annihilate. I do not wish to hold a dead heart that is no longer pulsing now that you have gone.

Losing you was my greatest sin, I intend to atone for it for the rest of my days.

[indefinitesatellites]

It Is Well, It Is Love

Years spent training to be the strongest, fastest, and deadliest killing machine has taught Kenshin many things, but the warmth of love and the happiness it brings. Because love is not fitting for the likes of him. The ones who bathed their souls in the blood of innocent humans and swore to wield their swords at anyone who came in their way.

So, Kenshin never expected that happiness would knock on his doorstep in its simplest form: enjoying the freshly brewed tea Tomoe served to him on one sunny afternoon after hours of farming in the field. An unimaginable company that would soften his killer instinct and dull his sword.

The months they spent together were mostly filled with silence. The intimacy shared between them was not built on grand gestures. He did not talk much, and she only spoke to him out of necessity. But all is well. He knew she cared for him, and she knew he would always protect her. Nothing significant has to be done to prove that it is true.

And supposing she may not think of the same, Kenshin does not care much. Because, as it turns out, his heart fits right in the palm of her hand. The pounding of his heart only answers the sound of Tomoe’s voice sweetly calling his name, of the tender gaze she gave as she watched him eat, of the gentle caress of her hand on his scarred cheek. He finds bliss in a place he thought was impossible for him to end up in. But he is here now. He is understood. He is accepted.

Kenshin sighed to himself as he closed his eyes. Tomoe is sitting still next to him. Her gestures are minimal, and yet her undeniable presence grows bigger; it sends a tingle into his skin.

It is love.

His gaze fixated on the slowly setting sun ahead — Sure, it is love. What else can it be?

Tomoe showed him the path to happiness. Love has saved him.

[indefinitesatellites]

Dari Minato, Untuk Yori

yori, dunia ini katanya sangat luas buat ditempati manusia, tapi ternyata malah mereka sendiri yang buatnya makin sempit. pola pikir mereka mencekik, ucapan mereka buat isi kepala makin berisik, semuanya terasa menyesakkan. mereka bilang kamu beda ─ ibuku, ayahmu, teman-teman, guru-guru ─ katanya, ada sakit yang bersemayam dalam kepala cemerlangmu. omong kosong yang aneh, ya. padahal, kamu sehat-sehat saja. kilau gemerlap nebula seperti di buku ensiklopedia dalam matamu masih bersinar terang. senyummu ingatkan aku dengan mentari pada pertengahan musim semi yang hangat. tanganmu usap rambutku dengan lembut dan penuh perhatian, takut-takut kalau aku bisa pecah saat itu juga jika kamu terlalu kasar.

padahal kamu juga sama-sama bernapas, berjalan dengan dua kaki dan sepasang sepatu, serta bisa merasa sakit seperti mereka. warna-warna yang tercetak nyata di kulit kamu itu bukti bahwa kamu sama manusianya dengan mereka. kalau mereka bilang kamu beda, berarti aku juga sama bedanya dengan kamu. karena aku tidak menganggap kamu beda. kamu dan aku sama. mungkin memang kitalah monster yang mereka takut-takutkan itu.

yori, kalau di dunia ini kita tidak diterima, ayo kita pergi saja. kita berangkat naik kereta ini dan pergi ke luar angkasa, mungkin di sana kita bisa temukan rasi bintang yang membentuk nama kita. atau mungkin kita cari tempat lain di dunia ini. lihat pagar itu, itu tanda awal kita bisa bebas berkelana. siapa tahu kita bisa temui ibumu di perjalanan menuju tempat itu. tempat di mana kamu bisa sebutkan nama segala jenis bunga di dunia dan aku akan ekori kamu dari belakang sambil dengarkan ucapanmu. tempat di mana kita bisa berlari sepuasnya di padang rumput sampai kaki kita bisa copot dan anggota tubuh kita lainnya terlepas dari badan satu per satu. tempat di mana kita tidak perlu mati dan hidup lagi bukan sebagai sepasang anak laki-laki cuma untuk bisa diterima dengan sentosa.

[indefinitesatellites]

A Little Bit

Tonight, I watch the fall of the first snow as I wish from my window:

I hope your jacket‘s a little bit tighter, so you don’t have to suffer from cold in this last month of the year,

I hope your food’s a little bit tastier, so you could go on with your day in full stomach,

I hope your bed’s a little bit softer, so you can straight away fall to sleep without problems,

I hope the weather’s a little bit warmer to you tomorrow, so you could walk around the neighbordhood, and maybe go to some places you’ve wanted to visit since long ago,

I hope the night’s a little bit nicer to you tomorrow, so you don’t have to stay awake through the night and thinking of some nonsense stuff,

I hope the world’s a little bit gentler to you tomorrow, and so on, and so on, so you won’t have to be afraid of dreaming again,

Tonight, again, I wish you well.

I wish you love.

[indefinitesatellites]

Take My Hand

Run, let’s run off somewhere no one could find us, we can board on to a ship on the crowded dock, catch the train we always see passes by our home at noon, or hop on to a townfolk’s car on the highway to anywhere

Run, let’s run off somewhere no one would care about us, take this piece of paper i wrote for you; “stay there, wait for me,” take this locket with a picture of mine in a frame so you will always think of me, far in your hideaway, i’ll get to you once it’s quiet at night and meet you by the dawn

Run, let’s run off somewhere our heart wants to take us, we can leave behind our dreams and names along the way, laugh like a child who would laugh at silly words, and sing as if the birds listen and hum along

Run, let’s run off somewhere no one else is there, we could go to the place you told me countless times, a land bestowed by the angels who descended from the sky where we couldn’t peel our eyes off its vibrant blue skies

So, give me a reason, don’t say no, hold on to me, and let’s run

[indefinitesatellites]

Letters I Can’t Send

I wrote you letters.

In the form of email drafts with long paragraphs in the body and no text on the subject which I can’t gather enough courage to send yet,

In a bunch of messy remarks, corny expressions, awful handwriting, erratic patterns and no rhyme or reason handwritten letters,

Some of them weren’t even written down yet ─ They’re glued still to the back of my mind, I have to find ways to do away with them,

They were secrets I long buried on top of one another, slowly but surely find its way to breaking their way out of my chest,

Lies I lullabied to myself every night before I sleep, only to find out the next morning that pushing them farther grows them even more,

So, that all clears it.

Now I have no absolute authority to control my heart the way it has been all this time. They are no longer mine. They've been yours; since God knows when and why.

Weird, isn't it? How a feeling so overwhelming, so honest, could come out of its remote corner inside someone's heart in the most strange ways?

Do you think I should send those letters?

Were these feelings important to you, as well as they are to me? Will you not run away once you take a quick peek inside my thoughts? What will you be thinking of them? Would you accept it or refuse it straight away?

Reply to me once you've seen this as soon as possible.

Yours, completely, always.

[indefinitesatellites]

The End Is (Yet) Coming

i can see the end is coming.

from the time you hold your breathe and gaze back at me while i clutch onto your collared shirt, when you take me floating among the clouds; your sweet gentle smile; and the tight grasp on my wrist you promise to never let go of, to the moment i feel your firm grip on my shoulder; and how you said you were really worried about me.

i know the end is coming.

though you would never say it, you were afraid of losing me, and you won’t let history repeat itself twice, the ever-broken heart of going through another grief is the kind of black magic you wish you’d exorcise if you could.

then you pushed me away off the sides, calling it an end when i intend to hold us longer, the clock is ticking but i live in your time, ‘go somewhere safe’ and where is that if you weren’t there?

i can see the end is coming.

but not this time, no, not here yet, so i want you to know it’s rather a see you again.

where i am no longer the odd one, wandering away searching for answers to your complicated world, where i have not become the burden you’ll always carry in mind in the midst of battle fights, where i can be with you longer ‘til the time’s running out.

so i wouldn’t get pushed off the sides twice, and have to wonder whether you were real; whether what we had was real.

[indefinitesatellites]

Becky Street

3:16 PM; we're hitting the city streets whilst hoping for an attraction, the one unique distraction to keep our minds off the world before it’s wandering any longer than needed. Radiant is the newly-bleached pale yellow hair you dyed impulsively on a random Friday night, glistening under the sunny lights ─ even so, you still wish it’d come out darker than it already is for realizing how ugly it looks on you. But your sunlit hair is enthralling. You probably don't know it. You would never know it because I can never say.

Down Becky Street, across to the serene and fewer-visited bookstore, you pulled my hand to stop by a cake shop to pick up your favorite cheesecake that has always been on top of the list since your very first visit. The crumbs on the table are evident proof towards the pastry chef at the back that his cheesecake is so loved. And if the walls could talk, they probably have hushed you already for the endless compliments. You’re utterly bewitched by this one pastel top you’ve been obsessed about for months at the clothing store we drop in ─ I had to stop you before one reckless impulsive decision led straight to another one; and the next thing I know, you’ll just get over it in a second like before. If we feel like it, we stop from one place to another for junk food. And after a series of chugging down coke, coughing over greasy pizza, and countless rolled eyes for thinking about how nuts we might look, at least we’re contented.

Strolling down to the park until the pink-candied sky appears, we lost in time, completely undeterred by our aching feet that will swell the next morning. I still come up with silly little jokes that people explicitly hate on, but you still happily laughed at despite being the only audience for so many hours now. Along with the constant humming to the mainstream songs played as we pass the stores. Today was fun, I wish every day could go on like this, you said, and a fleeting thought struck me like a truck; to stop the time abruptly just so I can savour the feeling, the warmth, right at this very moment; to get drunk of your sight until my chest fights for breath; to drown together amid this ocean crowd.

And until I hear you say ‘see you’ and close your apartment door in front of me ─ silence ringing like a siren, daydreams fading as I look up to your balcony, every step I take is mocking me like the fool I always am. I am spellbound; you put me through it.

[indefinitesatellites]

And Away We Go

memory is a friend i usually met on my way to the bottom pit. i find it comforting of some company, or a little food for the brain. and today, after a while, it came in the presence of you;

though you weren’t always there, but you stay the longest; one i hold dear close to heart. because you share your youth with me. i knew your most embarrassing stories. we made fun of each craziness. talked like we will last forever.

but promises broke, our back against each other, the laughs we shared now ringing in my head like an alarm i could never turn off.

before i realize it─ we drifted away, dissolved into silent tears. it was unnatural. i was sailing away. ‘sorry’ didn’t come out, you never asked and we go back to zero. to a time where i still look at you behind while the world centred around you─ nothing much changes, but not to me.

no matter how i tried to erase the memories, it’ll never come off. because i cherish all the times i spent with you. every single second of it

and though you weren’t always in my mind, but god, you’re my most painful memory. one i won’t forget even if it meant less the pain.

so, maybe we can try again, in another lifetime. if you want to be my friend once more, i’ll hold your hand and laugh with you again.

[indefinitesatellites]

Ichor-bled

She was raging fire, scorching sun who knows no compassion, merciless heat that will burn one to ashes, gleaming light able to blind everyone near her; such a majestic being which had everyone’s skin creeped out.

And yet, here I am, willingly taking another step towards her, submitting my flesh, soul, mind and everything I own just to burn with her as one.

Madness, one said, imbecile, they thought, a sacrifice, wise people tell, slow painful death, it is.

“Did it not fear you one bit that even my faintest touch could set you ablaze?” “I am not afraid of your fire nor afraid of going into combust.” “You should be afraid. You will go aflame. Not even the slightest amount of skin and bones will be left of you.” “Then aflame I will be.” “You are interesting. I like it. Tell me your death wish, for I shall grant it as you want.” “I ask you to burn me in your blazing spark. To set me ablaze slowly, ‘til I beg you to kill me in a blink of an eye. But you will not grant it. No matter how loud I screamed and begged for your mercy, you will not give me easy death. You will keep watching me suffer until the air is filled only with my voice crying out your name. Until nothing was left of me but ashes, as your soul would finally give up to me and meld into one with mine.”

Yet, adoration, I would rather call. And perhaps not a pure one. But the Ichor-bled woman would not mind it at all. I am the new toy that she could play around with. And she is all mine.

[indefinitesatellites]

5613

i always look for you everytime i took bus on a ride way to home, in every exact 4 o’clock on the same route, for every five days of a week, and the sky was turning flaming orange, and it broke me, because in one of those empty spots where you used to sit next to me and let me rest my head on your shoulder and you’d leave your seat so i won’t have to stand; now i’ve had to take a ride way home again, the sky is still vibrant blue, and i stand all alone, and now i sit in the back all the time with an empty seat next to me, wishing you’d be there.