"is it wrong that i love you more?" - scene analysis
underlying the time travel conflict in never let me go's our skyy 2 episodes is the conflict that stems from nueng's decision to continue studying abroad to get his master's degree instead of coming back to bangkok as palm expected. the fight they have over nueng's decision reveals fault-lines in their relationship that have existed from the start, which ultimately tie back to palm and nueng's different understandings of what it means to love and be loved.
the fight begins when nueng confesses that he has decided to pursue a master's degree in the U.S. without previously consulting palm. this is a hard blow for palm, not only because they have already dealt with the difficulties of a long-distance relationship for several years, but also because he had made arrangements to live with nueng in bangkok once he graduated based on the assumption that he'd be coming back to thailand. both palm and nueng are in the wrong for making big life decisions without talking to each other first. So why did they hesitate to tell each other their plans?
the problem boils down to two big differences in how palm and nueng understand and express love:
1) nueng sees love as something that exists separately from other aspects of life, such as school and work. palm, in contrast, sees love as something that suffuses all other areas of life.
2) nueng expresses his love by honoring palm's autonomy and freedom. palm expresses his love through his devotion and service to nueng.
it's easy to see how these orientations to love conflict with each other, and this isn't the first time we've seen palm and nueng butt heads because of them. for example, nueng decided to leave palm after his mother's death in episode 9 because he knew staying with him would be dangerous and wanted palm to prioritize his own future and happiness. he fails recognize that staying with nueng is the only future palm wants, regardless of the danger it may put him in.
these conflicting orientations toward love rear their heads again in the argument palm and nueng have following his confession about his plan to stay in the U.S. when palm says nueng should have told him sooner so that he could plan his life differently, nueng reminds him that he told him to plan his life for himself, not for nueng. palm fires back with the loaded question, "am i wrong that i love you more?"
since nueng's method of expressing love (granting autonomy and respecting each other's personal freedom) puts distance between them, while palm's method of expressing love (devotion and service) brings them closer, it can seem like palm loves nueng "more" than nueng loves palm at times. but just as nueng replies, it's not about who loves each other "more" - the root of the problem is that when granted the choice to do anything, palm will choose to be with nueng, and that kind of devotion, i think, scares nueng.
because it feels too much like servitude, like subordination. because nueng has never felt worthy of such devotion. because nueng can't bear to ask more from palm when he's already risked everything for him, having lost a parent and nearly his own life in order to stay with him. nueng was scared to tell palm about his plan to study in the U.S., because he doesn't want palm to wait for him any longer, but he also would never dream of asking palm to come with him, because doing so would, in nueng's mind, be taking away palm's autonomy.
nueng tells palm that he doesn't want their love to be an "obstacle" to their future. here, nueng is showing his orientation to love as something separate from, and somewhat in conflict with, the rest of life. this orientation probably stems from his parents, who repeatedly expressed their desire for nueng to be independent, decisive, and capable so that he could take over the family business as they intended. nueng's drive to learn and ready himself to fulfill his parent's expectations (which have at this point become his expectations for himself, without need of external reinforcement) means he often prioritizes other things before his romantic relationship with palm.
this obviously conflicts with palm's predisposition to prioritize his relationship with nueng over everything else. like nueng, this is in line with his upbringing. the fact that his parents were so absent from palm's childhood likely conditioned palm to throw his entire being into loving nueng; after finally finding someone to love and love him back, he wants to hold on tight, lest they abandon him too. and unlike nueng, who was raised with high expectations on his shoulders related to work and school, no one has every expected great things from palm (including himself). when maggie asks him what he wants to do when he's older, palm says he's just living in the present for now; when nueng asks palm what his life would be like if they'd never met, palm says his life would probably be boring, that he'd be stuck catching fish for a living. the point is, palm never had a direction in life until he met nueng. thereafter, nueng became his compass.
neither one of them is "wrong" per se, but the argument stings palm more than nueng because it re-opens old wounds. palm reflects that nueng making the decision to continue studying abroad is just like the decisions he made in the "early days" of their relationship when he was not in nueng's plan. here, he's referring to when nueng left palm at the motel and went to bangkok to confront kit and take on his responsibilities at the hotel alone, ordering palm not to come looking for him. this decision, although intended to protect palm, only deepened the lack of self-worth palm had as a result of his parents abandoning him. now, it's like nueng is choosing to abandon him again.
but despite his decision, nueng doesn't want to be apart from palm. in fact, being separated from palm both terrifies and debilitates him. i've written in previous posts about how palm and nueng are coded as body and mind, and how that further sets them up as soulmates who need each other to survive. the body will always follow the mind (i.e., nueng gives palm's life direction, or purpose). but the mind cannot do anything without the body operating in concert with it (i.e., nueng can't effectively accept and achieve his "great future" without palm by his side).
in episode 10, we saw how much palm's absence debilitated nueng. while he put on an intimidating, confident act when confronting his enemies, he became a scared, lonely little boy as soon as he returned home. in the scene just before their fight, you can see the fear in nueng's eyes when he worries that palm and him may not be able to be together in this timeline, where their status difference is even greater and love between men is even more prohibited. and when they return to the present, nueng grabs and shakes palm, eyes slightly manic as he asks, "does it mean that our curse is reversed? i will get to be with you, right?" nueng needs palm, desperately.
palm and nueng are actually more on the same page than it would seem at first glance. just as nueng decides to be away from palm even though he doesn't want to, palm is upset about nueng's master degree plan even though he fully supports nueng's educational pursuits. when petch whips nueng after their fight and palm rushes to his rescue, he lies and claims to have taught nueng how to speak english in order to assuage the other servants' suspicions about him. while him being the one to teach nueng english is a lie, what he says next isn't. he says he wants nueng to have an education so he can be "proud of himself."
this statement is interesting for a couple of reasons. for one, it mirrors but slightly differs from what palm says when he tells nueng he took an undergraduate course to learn english. he tells nueng he did it because he wanted nueng to be proud of him and to not be embarrassed that his boyfriend is only a high school graduate. clearly, his lack of education is a source of insecurity for palm, and nueng's plan to pursue an even higher degree of education may worsen that insecurity. but at the end of the day, he supports nueng's educational goals. he knows that nueng has high expectations for himself, and beyond that, he knows how much nueng enjoys learning. he's seen how nueng's eyes lit up when he got to tell palm about plato's theory of love and how excited he was about the research paper about the psychological effect of the scent of your loved ones. nueng loves to learn, and palm loves watching nueng do what he loves (see: the proud look on his face when nueng is teaching the other servants english).
so, in summary: both palm and nueng want to stay together, and both of them want nueng to pursue his educational goals. they just don't know how to achieve both at the same time. after nueng's whipping puts things back in perspective for them, they resolve to work together to figure out a solution. at the end of the second our skyy episode, palm reveals his solution: coming to live with nueng abroad for a few months and gaining language and work experience in the process.
there are a few things i want to highlight in this concluding scene. first, nueng again encourages palm to think about himself first, telling him to choose whatever makes him happy. this is consistent with how nueng has granted palm autonomy throughout the series. when palm starts off by saying he has his own plan, making nueng think he'll lose palm. nueng tells palm that he understands and turns away to hide the tears welling in his eyes. nueng tries to hide his despair, because he truly does want palm to put himself first.
but being with nueng is what makes palm happy, so of course, palm makes a plan that ensures he can spend more time with him. what's different from the plan he had to live with nueng in bangkok is that living abroad will push him to try new things and develop new skills. in this way, nueng's ambition and approach to love helps palm invest in himself as well as their relationship.
after palm reveals his plan to stay with nueng, he knowingly asks if nueng "feels better now." because palm has always seen through neung's arrogant, detached facade. because he knows how tender and vulnerable nueng is at his core. because he knows that nueng needs him just as much as he needs nueng. and when he asks, nueng lets the act drop, admitting that he feels "very, very, very much better." he didn't dare ask palm to come with him, because he wants palm to make that decision of his own accord. and palm, understanding this, does so.
before palm stalked away from their fight in episode 1, he said that the fortune teller could be right - maybe nueng and him will never be together. (side note: this is a somber parallel to nueng claiming that at their fight at the rocks in episode 9). but it's not because of a curse. it's because they've never been able to overcome the circumstances and forces pulling them apart. these are both external (status difference) and internal (approaches to love). finally, in this lifetime, they are able to overcome both and be together once and for all.
