I think I'll start a new Tumblr. This one is worn out. My new one will contain inspirations for my life.
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@infectioushumanwaste
I think I'll start a new Tumblr. This one is worn out. My new one will contain inspirations for my life.
Life is so strange and interesting. If I ever sit down to think about it I think I'm living in a comic book style reality. Life imitates art, if you choose to think of it that way. I'm learning more about the nature of the self. It's pretty clear I will never have anything but a flowing river of perspectives on reality but maybe I can let those go and just live authentically immersed.
I've been pretty fortunate to have been introduced to a community of people who keep each other on track asking the important questions. It's still an individual path to find answers. There are so many ways to seek. I feel a nudging from within to explore certain things without being attached to results or even the process.
Maybe this is all a part of being in my 30s. I've held some of the same patterns in my mind and actions for so long that they've worn out their place in this life. Getting older is a trip and it has nothing to do with self awareness.
On a more practical level, I will probably take a break from a few things to get focused on moving and resetting my linear life. I don't know exactly what will need to go on the shelf for a bit but this is necessairy if I am to engage more authentically. Work is going to pick up again soon. I know this and my injury has prevented me from engaging in the protests. My plan of action is to cut the costs of my food and consumption so I can buy from or donate to artists raising funds for important causes.
I've been terrible with money my whole life but that really doesnt need to be the case. I think I always thought amassing funds was a pointless way of engaging in society. Now, I see that there is something very useful that can be done with even a couple hundred extra a month. I certainly couldn't see that when I was struggling more.
Just more rambles for the void.
Does anyone notice how hard it can be to find current news on Google? So much information seems to be suppressed. I find that only conservative news behind a paywall comes up in my searches. Tumblr and Instagram have been a better resource for me in these times. Even reddit seems to be curated in a way that I'm not finding much on the protests. Please don't use this as an excuse not to be informed. I know some of the people in my life aren't in a position with their health to be taking in too much right now. Do what you can. I'm stuck at home with my injured foot doing research and then having conversations with people I know are less informed. Lots of this is traumatic. It's important to see if you're in disbelief about the situation but please don't give yourself PTSD. There are lots of ways to take action while still caring for yourself.
My reminder to myself is that this sort of violence and trauma isn't new to the world. The world hasn't become a more terrible place. We are all tuned in right now. I have friends in Japan who are protesting against police brutality. This is global. It's our job to not forget or stop investigating and taking action even when this quiets down and society opens up.
When pay day comes I'm donating to the bail out fund for protesters in the states. Cash is pretty strapped right now because I'm moving and missed work with my injury but I've always been resourceful with having food on the table. Every little bit helps the people who need it right now.
I'm back at work tomorrow without knowing whether the bones in my foot are broken. It seems irrelevant right now as rest is breaking the rest of me down and making me useless to the world. I'll call about the xrays tomorrow. I traded shifts with a coworker so he can go protest. Another night of info gathering for me.
The best part about wearing a mask all day is that no one can see the food in my teeth, or the look horse face I make sometimes.
The worst part is when a fart will get trapped in there or it starts to slip off a bit and I need to adjust it with my shoulder or jaw. New masks have come!
I injured my foot in pure haste. Waiting on xrays and enjoying the chance to stay up very late thinking about ridiculous things.
This is how I wrote in all my journals as a child. Looking back, I really wish I'd shared the ridiculous thoughts for my future self. I was pretty concerned someone might read it and well, find me ridiculous.
It's the funniest things that bring joy. Quirky conversations, shared stories, funny faces, dances or body postures. People inspire joy. I feel most joyful around people I have a language barrier with sometimes because we have to communicate in other ways. Its simple and nice. Gossip is confusing. I just want peace.
I'm not wearing a face shield at work. Not yet.
Everyone wants yeast. Men who ask when we will have steak in get really mopey eyes. Maybe they are being abused at home or have low self esteem from working on the couch. Women who are extra chatty and in the store for a couple of items are trying to get away from their annoying spouse. Everyone is looking for space during a lockdown. My aisles are out of yeast and when the industries collapse further, you will become vegan and eat the canned beans.
Social pressures during a lockdown sure are interesting.
Staring at soup cans for 5 hours straight has put me in zombie mode. Ready for a nap. Haha
Ice cream is life!! Straight up vanilla is still my number one melt.
I slept!! For 7hours last night! Holy cramoly I feel reborn. Remember to take vitamin D every day. I think that's also why I've felt so down lately. I want to keep this up.
I may have lost my current go go gig due to management changes. I'll go with the flow either way. There are always so many opportunities in this life.
FYI I don't think I'll be scrolling on tumblr or checking out posts. I do that enough on other platforms. I like the feeling of just speaking in to the void. I know a few people read what I post which I'm totally cool with. I likely won't engage much, if at all.
If you need my attention, it makes more sense to contact me thru IG.
Photos from last night at the go go factory. I'm trying to tell myself I'm not tired. Gotta get that caffeine in me. Tonight is a rest day as I'm only doing a wee bit of dancing at an awesome art event tonight. Tomorrow I'm not doing much physical activity either. A friend told me to give it a month and I will adapt. I've been so sedentary for a long time.
My last go go gig, I was dancing about 25 hours a week. My legs were so tight I walked like the tin man. I'm only doing about 9 hours a week right now so I don't know why I'm complaining. That's probably why I am writing here. I don't want to say this shit to people because it sounds kinda pathetic when said out loud. My only barriers here are mental.
On the plus side, I feel inspired to model more as I've been exploring movement. There are so many more shapes and expressions I see available now.
I also have lost my drive to do nude photographic modelling. There isn't much I can do with my old portfolio at this point. Everything I can I've posted on IG. It would be nice to do more that I can share and with a wider audience.
Right now I don't perceive the photographic modelling as the focal point of my career. It's play time for me. I'd like to use it to gather interest in my other endeavors. It's a nice way to document my changing identity and presence in my body too.
I finally remembered something to put in to my dream journal. My wake up alarm says Dream Journal ❤🦀 it's actually helping me to remember to write things down every day.
I'm tired every morning but I had that long stretch of sleeping in so I feel pretty good about getting up early. I dont often feel awake until the evening now. I kinda bumbled thru life for the first 10 hours of the day.
I'm dancing so much! I cant say I'm getting much better at it, but I'm certainly getting fit. I'm probably not any stronger but I could easily do 3 or 4 hours of dance classes and not feel tired. I guess I have a lot more energy at least in that way.
I'm honestly such a struggle when it comes to keeping up with foot work and choreography in general. Itll come. Right now I just smile and laugh at myself. I'm such a fool.
My experience of walking in heels is pretty low. I decided to wear 6 inch heels to my first heel dancing class. At least I got to joke about falling on people because the other students were questioning why. The heels worn at the strip club are sturdy, unisex and made for dancing. They fit my giant ass feet and make me laugh at myself. In my experience they are easier to walk in than other heels. I'll figure it out. Maybe I'll find something more moderate made for dancing w my giant feet.
Today: coffee with a pal, clean up my place and then go go dancing tonight. I'm going to show off my new moves. Hahaha
I just got home from go go dancing and I'm so happy to fart freely. This is the life.
When I'm in a clear headspace and grounded, emotional labor is my favorite work. I have so much work to do in this life. Some of it pays the bills, some of it pays my karmic debt. I can't say that I'm always proficient at the tasks I sign up for but I show up as much as I can. It's been motivating me towards better self care acknowledging that giving my attention and care is reciprocal. Giving without the need to take or without expectation feels like a gift to myself. When my cup overflows it's easy to fill the cups of others.
Setting boundaries with my energy has made giving so much more joyous. If I'm drained, I communicate that and take time to recharge.