The Infertile Diary

After going through IVF treatments for over a year, it's time I vented...

[infertilediary]

On to IVF8 with Donor Eggs....?

Its official...my ovaries are done.  IVF6 went well...4 eggs fertilized, 2 made it to blast and were placed inside.  I got a BFP...rechecked blood a few days later and my levels depleted and then I wasn't pregnant.  I took the summer off - started IVF7 and it was a BUST!  2 eggs retrieved (last ultrasound showed 4...) nothing fertilized.  It was crushing, deflating and devastating.  I still can't believe it.  I had changed my diet to be completely clean, unprocessed and pure.  I followed my medical protocol to a tee.  I made 5 hour trips, leaving the house at 4am to get bloodwork and ultrasounds done and made it to work on time.  NOTHING...and that's how I feel now, completely empty inside.

I can't help but feel sorry for myself.  I immediately started the series of tests for insurance approval and I'm pissed.  I'm making the 5 hour trips for nothing...more vials of blood for nothing...more time, energy and gas wasted for nothing.  There is no guarantee that insurance will even cover us for another go...but we have to try just in case.  The follow-up meeting with our doctor left us with one option...donor eggs.  

Donor eggs are expensive and we may be paying for everything out of pocket.  We are looking to gain over $25,000 in debt with no guarantee.  YIKES!  And if my previous results have any indications, the odds don't look to be in my favor...

On our way to yet another uncomfortable test, I couldn't help but start crying.  It seems so unfair that we have to sacrifice so much.  I don't understand it.  So, I went through the test with tears running down my face and drove back home.  This is what I have to do.

Our search begins for the right donor.  Is it more important that she looks like me, shares my interests and hobbies or has a clean medical history?  My mind is blown that someone would do this and I am forever grateful to these ladies, but how am I supposed to choose?  It feels so surreal to read profile after profile of people volunteering to give their eggs away.  My brain is having a hard time processing it all.  

So here we go again.  New obstacles and hard decisions ahead.  Thank god for Twitter and I need to block Facebook the pregnant, baby, children obsessed timelines it produces to rub my nose in it all.  

Good night.

xoxo

[infertilediary]

And so it begins...IVF Cycle #6

I have had a nice break from stimulants and worrying about follicle counts.  I needed it after the year I had with procedures and protocols.  I crashed after the last cycle failure and needed time to reboot my body and my mind.    Although I felt mentally prepared to start it up again, nothing can help with the perils of the secret double life of IVF!

Of course my first blood work and ultrasound was scheduled on a day that I had been planning for, for a month at work.  I was being paid to go to another company and present to them.  It was an exciting new opportunity for not only myself, but for my company.  So, I ask to schedule a time for my ultrasound and find out it's first come, first serve (I just switched to this clinic and am learning their ways.).  Okay...what time do they start...6:30am.  My presentation starts at 8:30am and is an hour and half away (without traffic...) from the clinic!!  Awwww!  So, it begins...

So much for preparing myself mentally to be ready for this cycle.  So much for not putting stress on myself.  The very first real act of this cycle requires me to wake up at 3:30am, get completely dressed and ready for my presentation, drive an hour and a half to the clinic, be first in line at 5:45am (by only five minutes!!), get blood drawn, get probed with the ultrasound wand (be my own secretary...will explain in a later post!), get back in the car at 6:47am, drive like a maniac, and walk into the company at 8:27am and begin my presentation at 8:35am!  First off I can't believe that traffic was as light as it was.  Maybe because it was still early on a Friday?  I only hit stop and go traffic for about 8 miles...which is nothing on this road!  Secondly, the presentation went great! 

Speaking of double lives - through all of that chaos, I watched another saga unfold right in front of me at the clinic.  Again, I was first, a couple walked in five minutes after me and a third couple probably ten minutes later.  When the third couple walked in, the wife from the second couple jumped up and squealed with excitement to see the third couple.  The surprised third couple looked horrified, but of course was ever so polite.  I heard things like "I never expected to see you here", "nobody at work knows, please don't tell anyone", "it's no big deal, you should tell them" and so on.  I could see the poor third couple's uncomfortableness.  I felt so bad for them.  When the second couple left after blood work and it was me and the third couple in the waiting room, the wife broke out in tears and couldn't stop crying.  She looked up at me and apologized and I told her she had nothing to be sorry for.  I also told her it was one of my biggest pet peeves - that there isn't more privacy in these places.  (For more on that subject read my previous posts about pet peeves!)

In this double life, it is so difficult to decide who to let in and who to keep deceiving.  We have told our parents, but no one else in our families.  Some of our close friends know, but our siblings don't.  I feel guilty sometimes and then there are times that I wished no one knew at all.  My friend keeps urging me to tell my boss, but I don't think I can.  Because what if this doesn't work out, and we don't end up getting pregnant.  I don't want to let my boss know that I have that distraction in my life.  I have worked to hard at my job to have him start doubting my commitment and stability.  And that's sad to me.  I hate that women have to deal with that.  He's a great boss and would be overly supportive, but I know he would look at me differently.  I know my ranking within his psyche would plummet.  I can't take that risk, because in the end my job might be all I have to define me.

There is real-life, happy-go-lucky me and stressed out wife me.  My husband sees me at my worst and has to take the brunt of my emotions.  I thank him for it...not often enough.  He also has to give me my injections twice a day.  I'm a wimp.  After a couple of times of me agonizing in the bathroom to stab myself, my husband calmly took the needles and started doing it for me.  I'm not sure what I would do without him.  

And so it begins...a morning and evening cocktail of micro dose Lupron and Gonal F.  Hopefully it will help the 12 follicles, I transcribed for the ultrasound technician, grow.  Fingers crossed!   

[ttc-confessions]

[infertilediary]

Pet Peeves #4 and #5

It felt so good venting the other night, I thought I would write a few more down while I had a spare moment!

Pet Peeve #4   So, I have been told I have small veins.  The clinic I am sent to for blood testing knows me now and they all hide/grab another patient when they see me sign in.  Believe me, I don't want to see them either!  I tend to be a phlebotomist's worst nightmare.  No one can ever find a vein in my right arm.  They poke around, have me squeeze stress balls until my fingers are blue...nothing.  So, they strap up my left arm and start all over.  They eventually find a small one and the blood trickles out.  It's slow...and they try to wiggle the needle to find a better flow.  Everyday, every time I see them (which is quite frequently...) they ask me if I have had any water...EVERY TIME!  They see me with my water bottle empty and they watch me run to the toilet the second they are done to relieve myself.  I answer them each time, but I want to scream YES, I have had water!  Do they think I like to be picked like a pin cushion every time?  Do they think I like severe bruising on both arms?  Do they think I'm not trying everything in my power to make this easier?  PLEASE...you know I have small veins.  You tell me every time...PLEASE stop asking me if I have had water.  YES...I drink water all day, everyday in attempt to make this easier...I promise!

Pet Peeve #5   I have recently switched doctors, so I'm hoping this pet peeve disappears with my new doctor and nurse team!  (Fingers crossed!!!) Anyways, until I am proven otherwise, this is still on my list!  In the last year, I went through 5 complete cycles - from stimulants, to retrieval, to transfer, to disappointment.  We never had an embryo make it past day 5 to freeze.  So, I spoke with my nurse ALL the time!  I spoke to her more frequently than I spoke to my brother!  I live an hour and a half from the fertility clinic.  I go to a partner blood test clinic and a partner ultra sound tech closer to my home.  I did this the entire year!  I kid you not...90% of the time, my nurse would schedule my appointments at the main office (an hour and half away...) instead of the ones closer tome.  I would have to call and cancel the appointments and make new appointments for myself at the offices closer to my home!  WHY couldn't she take two minutes to look at my file to remind herself that I live far from her?  WHY couldn't she put a big post-it on my file that listed the two partner offices and numbers on it?  She will never know how disrespectful this felt to  me.  She made me feel like an annoying patient every time I corrected her.  She made me feel unimportant and forgettable.  She also discredited herself.  Her carelessness made me lose all trust in her and ultimately the clinic she worked for.  How could I completely trust her with my medical protocol when she didn't even know who she was talking to each day.  Her lack of awareness drove me nuts!!!!

Whoa...I'm getting heated over here!  I think I should stop before I get into the others.  We are having friends over for dinner tonight and I need to make sure dinner will be ready!  Thanks again for listening...each post leaves me feeling a little more free and a little more prepared for everything to start over!

Thank you!

[infertilediary]

IVF Pet Peeves #1, #2 and #3

As I start my fifth round of IVF, I can't help but think about the process.  Once I start thinking about the process I can't help but remember all the things that drive me nuts.  I honestly think I could go into business by consulting fertility clinics.  I know I'm not the first to say these things...but really?!?!

Pet Peeve #1  Why aren't fertility clinics completely digital???  With all of the advanced medical machines and techniques that they use for every other part of the process...why must my medical records be faxed?  Who still uses a fax machine?  I recently switched doctors and you would think that my medical file was the most difficult treasure to get your hands on and secure!  I can't believe that they haven't taught admins how to scan files or even better yet - enter everything digitally from the start.  How easy would that be, never mind the conservation of paper and trees.  Also how nice would it be for those same records to be available at all times in your satellite offices?  I'm sure some clinics have done this and are digital...the two I have worked with haven't figured it out yet...

Pet Peeve #2  Often times the whole IVF process is a personal matter.  It is not something that you are broadcasting to the world.  So, why must every receptionist, nurse, phlebotomist and ultra sound tech announce the reason of your visit as if your just won an award?  A hushed tone would be much appreciated!  One phlebotomist that I see is the nicest lady in the world, but I want to strangle her.  She complains about the faxes she receives from my clinic (again...faxes!), she asks me how many cycles it has been and why its not working!  Really...how about a little professionalism?  I live in a small area and everyone knows everyone.  I ran into a co-worker's wife during my last cycle and it was embarrassing for both of us.  They took her in first and I heard everything.  I felt bad for her and guilty for hearing it.  I was also thankful her appointment was before mine!  If you work in one of these offices, I beg you to have some compassion, discretion and empathy.  Think about what you are saying, your volume and what the lady sitting in front of you is going through...never mind the hormones she's on!

Pet Peeve #3  Why do the clinics have baby and parenting magazines laying around everywhere?  Isn't that a little much.  I have enough of that in my everyday life...I don't want to be reminded of my lack of child or parenting when I am stressed before a procedure.  It doesn't create hope, it just reminds me of my failure.  These clinics should be sanctuaries.  Dim the lights (why so bright?), make it cozy (not square so everyone is facing each other) and include reading materials that have nothing to do with the end product!  

Wow now that I have started to write them down, more keep coming.  Next time I will I promise to get past the waiting room!  For now, time to get some rest.  Good night...

[infertilediary]

Amen!

[infertilediary]

Fresh Start

It's been a while and it feels good.  I have spent some time focusing on me and remembering who I am.  Infertility took over 2013 and ran my life.  After my last round of IVF I needed a true mental break.  It has been a three month break and it has been fabulous!

I went out with friends and had some cocktails!  I went through a vigorous exercise program to get in shape.  I danced at a 25 year reunion.  I traveled without worrying about syringes in my suitcase.  I had a blast and felt carefree.  I took my time selecting a new doctor and facility.  I feel as though I am more prepared to start everything again.

I am waiting for my Day 1 to start a whole new medication protocol.  It's a long, drawn out protocol, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it will be the right fit for my body.  My new doctor ran some tests and prescribed a low dose of thyroid medication.  I'm feeling confident in my doctor and confident in myself.  

As a I wait to start it all, I am hoping I can keep this confidence throughout the process.  As work gets in the way and hormones levels rise I want to be in control this time around.  I truly believe a lot of my inability to conceive last time around was due to the stresses I put upon myself.  This blog is my new outlet to vent.  I don't care if no one reads it but me...I need to write it all down.  Get ready tumblr...you are going to get a daily diary for this new round.  You are going to hear it all...from the birth control pills to the progesterone shots in the bum!  Thank you for being my vehicle for sanity...or insanity (probably depends on the day...)  

Together we can get through this stronger and more confident than ever!  

[infertilediary]

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE INANIMATE OBJECT?

My MacBook Pro!  I call her Ruby!

[infertilediary]

Insomnia

I can't seem to sleep anymore.  I lay awake thinking about the most recent procedure I had done, my egg transfer.  The doctor on call that day completely ignored me and had a fellow do the egg transfer for him.  She wasn't skilled at it and it was a horrible ten minutes.  (This was my fourth transfer, so I actually have something to compare it to...)

I spoke to my doctor about it and she was surprised to hear such a thing happened.  She tried her best to make me feel better, but her attempts didn't help.  I still feel betrayed and disrespected.  I feel like my chances of this transfer plummeted even though everything else in this cycle had gone so right.  My period on Christmas Day, the day before my blood test solidified my concerns.

Again, this was my fourth transfer, so I had experienced this let down before.  This one I can't seem to shake.  I believe it has to do with the utter trust infertility patients put into the doctors' hands.  I was just another egg transfer on a snowy, busy Sunday.  The football game had just started and I'm sure he just wanted to get out of work.  I get it.  I have off days at work too!  But for this doctor to not introduce himself, not look at me in the surgical room, and not look up from his iPhone as the procedure was taking place is completely unacceptable to me.  How dare he not take a moment to care?  He should know better.  He is not working at some restaurant and offering bad service; he is aiding or abetting people's lives!  

This doctor has shattered my trust and I'm not sure if I'm ever going to be able to regain it.  I have two appointments lined up to meet new doctors at new facilities.  I can't go back.  I have questions lined up for the new doctors and I'm afraid that I'm going to scare them!  I truly hope one of these new doctors can give me the sense of hope and security that I lost and desperately need back.  

For the time being counting sheep and deep breaths...

[infertilediary]

Why not me?

There are so many superstitions out there!  It can be maddening to read the internet and see what everyone says.  Do this, don’t do that…no wait do that, not this!  No one knows.  When going through a cycle, I always want to be doing everything I can possibly do to help make it happen this time.  You read blogs and websites for any hints or clues to help make it work. 

I love the open forum infertility websites that allows users to ask questions and anyone can answer these questions!  Have you ever read them?  I appreciate the shared network of communication, but they lose me!   (SIDE NOTE:  At the end of their answers, the signatures usually include an “infertile code” of letters and numbers and moving emoticons that blink. It explains their IVF story of successes and failures.   I have been doing IVF for a year and I don’t understand all of the acronyms!  It’s a secret code and I’m not in that club yet!) 

“Eat McDonalds and drink red wine” vs.  “Eat only warm organic foods, nothing raw”

“One cup of coffee daily” vs. “No caffeine”

“Eat pineapple” vs.  “Too much pineapple can hurt your chances on conception”

“No bed rest after the transfer” vs. “Lay on your left side for three days”

It’s hard because the doctors don’t seem to have any tips.  Hell, the second the transfer is complete they are pulling you off the table so the next one can come in.  They don’t give you a second of calm.  They don’t fully recommend or support anything.  So, you are left with others who have gone through what you are going through answering the questions for you.  And hey, if it worked for her, than why not me?

[infertilediary]

It's been a year...

I still can't believe my husband and I have been going through infertility treatments for over a year.  We have had 6 rounds of stimulation shots, 4 egg retrievals, 22 eggs retrieved, 9 fertilized embryos, and no luck.  I have had more blood drawn than I ever imagined.  I have new stories that I never thought I would experience and I need to write them down!

So the story begins...

[babyambitions-deactivated201504]

This picture needs to be shared all over tumblr because I get this in my inbox all of the time from anons!!!!

[fostering-possibilities]

I have heard each of these except the one about being to old… I’m not there yet but quickly approaching.