Full time TTC and part time step mom.

I was tired of talking about my menstrual cycle each month so I started a blog to vent my feelings, share some laughs and find some friends with similar stories!  

[infertilestepmom]

I broke down and turned the heat on today.... it was 63 in here. :) 

It is now a balmy 66. I deserve to be happy and warm :)

[infertilestepmom]

Update....

Took another round of cytotec on Monday, nothing.  So that was 4 pills (200mg each) then another 4 pills 8 hours later... not even a cramp.  Bloated yes, cramps, no.

Tuesday had a second opinion on the East side of the state.  Drove 2 hours there, met for an hour and a half, liked him, drove home.  he told me he would never prescribe cytotec alone as it is only doing half t he job.... awesome.  he is going to look at my chart and get back with me.

Called the Fertility Center on Wednesday to say “Nothing happened on the cytotec”  They called back and suggested I go back to my OBGYN.  Seriously? Did they just break up with me? Because I was going to break up with them....

Called OBGYN, got an appointment for last Friday.  Talked, cried a bit, told her I didnt want more surgery....Scheduled a DNC for yesterday and here I sit.

Now I wait to find out if they got all the tissue since it took 3 surgeries last time...I cant imagine I will be one and done.    

[infertilestepmom]

I had left over cytotec from my last pregnancy/ miscarriage.  Reminder these pills never did much for me.  I took the two pills last night around 9pm.  (I should take 4) to see if it would get things moving.  I forgot to  call the clinic Friday to get my script.  (I cant believe I forgot to call) 

I spent all night with terrible cramps, They were awful, like sitting on the toilet, puke bucket in my lap, cold sweats, shaking.....  I had severe shits from 4-5 am, took Tylenol and was finally able to sleep by 5:30. 

No bleeding.....FML

[illectura]

im always looking forward to breakfast and coffee, even after I have my breakfast and coffee I’m excited for the next day’s breakfast and coffee

[infertilestepmom]

That is totally me.....

[infertilestepmom]

Choir?  You barely speak....

B came home with as choir sign up form yesterday for 3rd and 4th grade choir.  He said he wanted to join. When I asked why he said he gets to go to a baseball game.... I said “The game is in June”. 

He has shown ZERO interest in singing, he barely speaks when people talk to him because according to him he doesn’t know what to say.  YOU SAY THANK YOU WHEN SOMEONE TELLS YOU TO HAVE FUN ON VACATION!!! My mother in law was painfully shy as a child and would cry when anyone talked to her so at least he blank stares and doesn’t cry.... but choir?  

He has to be at school 40 minutes early so no bus and this is everyday. I told him he had to dress up for concerts 4 times a year...(a kid who wont even wear khaki pants to school)  He still seems to want to join.  I told him he will need to talk to his mom since she drives further, this will be difficult for us as his parents AND for him to have to get up earlier.  I told him he will have to sell it because none of us have ever thought he would be interested in choir AND if he starts, he is finishing.  

Part of me wants him to join, be so miserable half way through but then we teach him what is is like to be responsible and follow through.   Then maybe he wont join something for an entire year so he can go to one baseball game (when he doesn’t even watch the game... he is 8)  Another part of me wants to just say “No” since he has never showed an interest in singing EVER (not even in the shower) then the other part wonders if he has been too shy to say he is interested in it and maybe this is how he is expressing interest? 

It is just a HUGE commitment for an unknown......

What to do........  

[infertilestepmom]

Is God responsible for infertility?

My Mother In Law loves to tell me that God (her God) is in charge of my fertility.  That I need to surrender to him and let him be in control, it will all work out according to him.  

So... I can only assume if I ever keep a pregnancy it will be her God who is responsible? Are we giving him credit or making him responsible for my 4 miscarriages, 3 surgeries to clear out miscarriage #3, thousands I have spent on fertility meds and a failed IVF?   

Somehow probably not so I am not going to give him credit for my positive mental health, my ability to get up everyday and my ability to be thankful for what I do have.  

That is all me.  I own all of this, it belongs to no one else. Don’t give someone credit for my positives but not make them responsible for my negative... Take it all or leave it all. 

Also if her God IS responsible for my fertility, he is a dick.  Just sayin.....

[infertilestepmom]

I am alive....

So I took a few months off.   After cleaning out of my uterus I decided to just chill the fuck out and enjoy my summer.  That is what we did, sort of.  

Unfortunately that didn’t last long as I became pregnant again in August.  I decided not to tell anyone other than my folks and sister since we would see them on vacation over Labor Day and they would know if I refused a beer.  

I didn’t get a scan, I just went on vacation and said I would deal with it when I got back.  I had spotting so I thought for sure I was done, already cried, grieved.  Sure enough, I had a hcg count of 21,000 and we saw the heartbeat.  We couldn’t get too excited since we had been here before.  

Friday we went back for a 7 week 2 day scan since we went 8 weeks last time, no heartbeat.  Not shocked, pissed... annoyed.  I had 6 conference calls on Friday so I didn’t have time to deal with it or sit and talk to a doctor who wouldn’t have any answers for me anyway.  Was it my thyroid, was it my “slightly” T shaped uterus shape, was it the giant hematoma that decided to show up between week 6 and 7?  No one knows. 

I stopped the progesterone and now I wait.... if this doesn’t miscarry naturally and I have to go through what I previously went through I might lose my shit.  

I have a second opinion appointment on the 28th.  I rescheduled it from the 7th.  I need better answers.   I now belong to miscarriage #4 club. 

I am back :)

[infertilestepmom]

This Uterus is Clean!

1. I feel amazing today. Actually I felt amazing yesterday and instead of soup they suggested I ate a cheeseburger, fries and a chocolate shake.  I then ate strawberry shortcake.  This is what happens when I have surgery at 3 and cant eat all day.  Plus I weighed in at 125 and I could use some calories. 

2. They did a hysteroscopy so they could use a camera to see where the tissue was hiding.  The doctor told my husband that I was a totally an abnormal case.  Of course they don’t know why the tissue was so embedded in my uterus other than my life has never been normal.  

I guess he was working in there and had to hurry up to finish as the utensil for cutting used saline and they were running out. It normally lasts 20-30 minutes and he was in there for over 40.  

I did end up with pictures of my uterus and everything looks cleaned out and “normal”.  I can see pics of the tissue and what it looks like after he cut it out. My hope is that the brownish, water fluid stops leaking out. (This is what I believe the rotting tissue was putting out all these months) and that I can STOP wearing pads as three months wearing pads is totally annoying.    

Today I am relaxing.  Soon I will have to put together a plan of action for the future.    

Oh and thank you thank you thank you for everyone’s well wishes and “WTF???” comments.  I appreciate every one of them.... :)

[infertilestepmom]

Surgery socks! They have this whole set up where they pump warm air into my gown.... NEAT! :/ Lets hope that using a scope works!

[infertilestepmom]

I am still alive, barely.....

I had my 2 week follow up today after my 2nd D&C and was told (yet again) that I need more surgery.....I am waiting for them to call and set up my appointment 

I lost my shit 

[growingwithaubrey]

How do you ladies deal with BFN’s it’s starting to get harder and harder for me and I’m beginning to feel guilty about not being able to get pregnant is it selfish to stay with someone when you know you might not be able to give them something you both want??

[infertilestepmom]

When you start thinking this way you need to take a step back.  Have fun with each other again.  Stop the stress.  Focus on each other.  TTC is awful on relationships and your sex life.  I try to plan something on my test days.  It keeps me from wanting to curl up in bed or from wanting to cry all day.  It sucks but if you are spending the day at the beach or volunteering or eating a chocolate cake for breakfast/ lunch and dinner…it helps ease the pain.  

You didnt get in this relationship only to reproduce.  Yes, it would be WONDERFUL but you deal with what you are dealt with and it should make you stronger as a couple, not break you apart.  Don’t let this get in your head or it will eat you alive. Keep venting, we are here!  Hugs  

[growingwithaubrey]

Thank you so much! After I expressed my feeling to him he looked at me like I was crazy and told me how we are not together to have a baby and it reminded me of why we got together and why we’ve stayed together. I need to learn to not keep emotions in and be a better communicator. I feel 1,099 times better today after I ate almost a whole loaf of bread 💁🏼. You ladies are the best and I’m so glad I’ve found all of you💕💕

[infertilestepmom]

Awe!  That is so sweet!  He sounds like a great guy!  Bread sounds amazing.... cheese bread or bread with cinnamon raisins and glaze or croissants... ha ha

[growingwithaubrey]

How do you ladies deal with BFN’s it’s starting to get harder and harder for me and I’m beginning to feel guilty about not being able to get pregnant is it selfish to stay with someone when you know you might not be able to give them something you both want??

[infertilestepmom]

When you start thinking this way you need to take a step back.  Have fun with each other again.  Stop the stress.  Focus on each other.  TTC is awful on relationships and your sex life.  I try to plan something on my test days.  It keeps me from wanting to curl up in bed or from wanting to cry all day.  It sucks but if you are spending the day at the beach or volunteering or eating a chocolate cake for breakfast/ lunch and dinner...it helps ease the pain.  

You didnt get in this relationship only to reproduce.  Yes, it would be WONDERFUL but you deal with what you are dealt with and it should make you stronger as a couple, not break you apart.  Don’t let this get in your head or it will eat you alive. Keep venting, we are here!  Hugs  

[infertilestepmom]

D&C #2 went as well as expected.  I guess I was squeezing my husband’s hand more than the previous time so perhaps there was more pain.  I guess my tissue was so embedded the doc had to cut it out without cutting my uterus so he got as much as he could.  The rest should fall out but not be producing anymore hcg so my body should go back to functioning like normal.  (Should) 

He told my husband it was very uncommon.  I have to laugh....of course it is uncommon... it is me.  

Coming out of sedation always has it’s own set of funny stories.... My poor husband had to sit in the bathroom with me while I went #2, kept falling asleep on the toilet and then vomited a Motrin the nurse gave me for pain.  I was not embarrassed in the least bit.  I just went home and went to bed.  I love him even more today than before having to sit in my shit smell for 20 minutes.  :)  

Follow up in two weeks to see if I am good to go with moving on with my life.  

[mrsteachercatlady]

Dealing with infertility is mentally exhausting.

Dealing with the questions about children.

Listening to every conversation turning to children and pregnancy.

Battling with your own mind: do we really want children or are we just conditioned to want them?

Covering up the random urge to breakdown after weeks and weeks with no tears.

I’m just so tired of it.

[infertilestepmom]

I am 37 and didnt find Mr. Right until I was 35. (I had a couple of poor choices prior to him) :) I feel like I am being punished for waiting so long but so so thankful to not be dealing with any custody issues with either of those exes. I have my career and I am focused and I know without a doubt it HAS to happen. As much as you want to deck anyone who says that, you have to believe it. I have had two miscarriages (with Mr. Right) and MANY negative tests….dont ever give up hope. Lean on us, that is why we are on here ;) Everything you typed is all to familiar to me and I am sure I will be there in about a week or two and you can cheer me up :)

[mrsteachercatlady]

This is why I love this blog. I get to connect with so many people who understand<3

[distracting-from-ttc]

The TTC community of tumblr is so amazing!

[infertilestepmom]

I have had miscarriage number 3 since this post.  WTF?  It is almost so absurd I have to laugh....so go ahead @ttcthegoodthebadthedownrightugly your turn to cheer me up ;) 

[infertilestepmom]

My second D&C is scheduled fro Friday.  The third round of meds didn’t do much.  I had an ultrasound on Tuesday and there is literally one piece of tissue hanging on producing hcg and causing this bleeding and fluid crap to just leak, daily.  

Maybe in a week I will put away the pads.... how amazing will that be?  :)  I cant even imagine at this point.....it is the little things in life....

[infertilestepmom]

Mind your own womb

Somewhere there is a woman: 30, no children. People ask her, “Still no kids?” Her response varies from day to day, but it usually includes forced smiles and restraint. “Nope, not yet,” she s…

Amazing read..... so so so very true

[infertilestepmom]

This morning i was told I need to re-take my cytotec since NOTHING happened.  No cramping, no excessive bleeding... nothing.  Round 3 coming up tomorrow.  I am not f*cking with it today.  Ultrasound and more blood work next week. 

Was told my fertility buddy, who had one embryo left to transplant, is now 10 weeks pregnant.  I guess I had been hiding in my own misery to check on her.... 

Literally not more than 15 minutes later a co worker just texted out her new baby photo. She had him via C section today.   

I always put on the happy face because people are uncomfortable with death and that is what is going on on my insides.