mikrokosmos; a little infin8y

stop baby don't stop

[infin8gravity]

gravity-infin8​:

“It’s because Tae-hyung is so tall,” Eun commented with a tiny smile and quiet laugh before bending down to kiss his boyfriend. He hated seeing him so sad. The general mood in the dorms was solemn. Everyone was processing Daeshim’s memory loss differently, some cried, like Sora-hyung, while Yuan-hyung poured himself into researching a solution, but it was obvious that nobody was actually happy right now, even though their hyungs were home. It was a weird shift for them. 

Their group was usually energetic and cheerful. Under Taeho’s carefree leadership, Vi3e rarely took anything too seriously. Their dorms were a fun place to live, so the fact that everyone was so quiet and sad was alarming. Still, despite the fact that this effected everyone, Eun was most concerned about his boyfriend and Moon-hyung. As the maknae, it wasn’t usually Eun’s job to solve problems. He was the one who was babied and taken care of, and he liked that, but he wanted to help. He did have a few ideas. For SooSoo-ah, maybe after Dae-hyung felt better, they could recreate his welcoming activities. They already had a cake, they could just…throw it at the ceiling. Maybe, that would either trigger Daeshim’s memories or recreate that love he developed for his dongsaeng. That idea was easy enough to bring to Taeho, and their leader would probably love an excuse to do something silly, but Moon-hyung was harder.

“Me too,” Eun whispered as he watched his hyungs gather in the living room. There was already enough of a crowd forming that he felt like he didn’t need to get involved. While Eun wasn’t sure how to help Moontae, he had a feeling this wasn’t it. He needed sleep, not an intervention. It was written all over his face, and it made Eun want to go up and hug him again, but he stayed back. Moon-hyung was very clear that he didn’t want them telling Dae-hyung about their relationship, and while Eun didn’t like it, he was going to respect it. There were other ways of trying to help Daeshim get him there himself. Maybe, hyung could do things like hold his hand more or bring him to their favorite places. Something familiar to help jog his memory.

“He’ll remember,” Eun murmured as Yuanjun began firmly going over his research in a way that made him want to curl in on himself from how intimidating he was, so he could only imagine how Moontae felt. “If not, he’ll fall in love with him again. He just…he just couldn’t not love Moon-hyung, even if he doesn’t remember their relationship.” That was the one thing Eun was confident in. Even if he never remembered the last two years, he would still love Moontae again. 

“Maybe, we should go to my room,” He said wearily as the meeting got more intense, but before that he reached to scoop some icing on his finger, sucking it off. He hadn’t had time for the cake yet, and he wanted some before it got devoured. “I think there’s enough people crowding, hyung,” He added as he went for another helping of icing. “I can tell you about my ideas to help get Dae-hyung’s memories back.” 

The longer that they lingered in the kitchen, listening to the sounds of an unwanted intervention, the more Moonsoo did not want to be there. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to express to Moontae that he was making a terrible mistake with not telling Daeshim that they were together, because he did, but he didn’t think that telling him this when he had just gotten back to the dorms after not having been home for over a month was a good idea. A small part of Moonsoo wanted to go over and defend his hyung, to tell the others that they ought to stop pushing him and let him get some rest because it looked like he really needed it, but he kept those thoughts to himself. If the boy knew anything about their family, it was that Vi3e was full of big personalities, and some of them were very stubborn when it came to pointing out things that they felt needed to be said. His thought was proven when he watched Yuanjun-hyung pull out folded sheets of paper that were apparently something he’d researched. Moonsoo grimaced a little bit as he watched his hyung present his research and he shifted to wrap an arm around Eun’s waist as they watched in silence. “I don’t think he knows that’s not going to help Moon-hyung,” he said in a soft voice as he leaned on the countertop, watching in silence.

When Eun reached for the cake, Moonsoo debated if he wanted to dig for a knife and cut a piece off to take with them. If they left now, they would definitely come back to no cake remaining, and considering the fact that multiple fingers have already been sneaking icing from it there would be no hope for actual cake to last. “We should cut a piece,” Moonsoo said in a soft voice and he reached across the counter top for one of the paper plates that was bought for the ‘party’, if they could even call it that at this point, before he dug through the kitchen drawers for a knife to cut it with. “It will be good brainstorming fuel for us while you tell me your ideas.”

Before he could cut a slice off the cake, Ohseong’s voice rang through the room, declaring that he really wanted cake but he had something to say first. “Oh no,” Moonsoo said lightly and he shifted to cut into the cake, using the knife to scoop a piece off of the plate so that it could go back to Eun’s dorm room with them. He was still sad about the turn of events, but when Ohseong came over to them scooped a bit of icing on his finger, and then proceeded to plop it on Moonsoo’s nose, he couldn’t help but smile. Give me the knife, was all his dongsaeng had to say before Moonsoo pushed the piece he’d cut for himself and Eun to him. “Take that one,” he said as he paused to get the icing off of his nose, depositing it into his mouth.

The icing was sweet, a nice change of pace to the solemn mood, and as things seemed to be getting heated in the conversation in front of them, Moonsoo tried to focus on that instead of their hyungs trying to rationalise why Moontae was doing the wrong thing with his decision making. “Here,” he said to Eun as he grabbed another plate, Ohseong having sauntered off with his slice of cake. Moonsoo cut another slice of cake, this one slightly thicker to accommodate for the fact that there were two of them and also their hyungs were fighting. “Take this, I’ll get the forks, and we can go hide in my room since Seong-ah seems to be heading back to yours.” He put the knife down on the cake tray and fished out two forks for them to use before Moonsoo reached for Eun’s hand, squeezing it before he tugged him out of the kitchen and to his dorm so they could avoid whatever chaos was about to implode around poor Moontae.

[infin8gravity]

gravity-infin8​:

Daeshim remembered how surprised Jihoon-nim looked when he called him ‘sunbaenim’ too, and he was beginning to worry that twenty year old him was a rude asshole. He couldn’t imagine addressing someone from 5Alive in any other way, not when they were one of his favorite groups growing up. Ahn Jisu was obviously his ultimate bias, but he still loved 5Alive’s more lighthearted music, always listening to their songs when he needed cheering up. But now Jaejin was telling him that he treated his Infin8 leader like a joke and that he used to be nice, and he couldn’t help but hate this person he couldn’t remember growing into, shame curling in his chest. 

“Used to be?” Daeshim asked in a small voice, feeling his eyes sting but he stubbornly fought off the tears. He was tired of crying. He was twenty now, which meant he was pretty sure that meant he wasn’t allowed to be a baby and cry over little things anymore. It was easier said than done though. Maybe, he was technically twenty, but he didn’t feel it. He felt like an eighteen year old rookie. What changed in the last two years that turned him into such a jerk? No wonder Moon-hyung was acting so strange around him, he was probably wondering what the hell happened to his friend. 

Daeshim didn’t need those missing two years to remember saying that about Taeho and Jaejin. At least in his transition from polite to asshole, he was still determined to set up his best friend and his leader, but they were too stubborn to connect. He just couldn’t believe two years later they were still that stubborn. Whenever he dropped any hints to Tae-hyung, he always brushed him off and said that Jaejin didn’t feel that way about him, and it wasn’t like he could expose his best friend’s secret and tell him otherwise. Yet. He sort of had the brain damage excuse in his favor right now. “Well, once I’m better, I’m going to continue that mission,” Daeshim said with determination, but otherwise let the subject die there. He would plot after Jae-ah left. 

He leaned into his friend’s gentle touch and rested his eyes for a moment. They ached when he kept them open too long, especially when the light was on. His members have started turning off the light of whatever room he was in, which was nice, but also weird to just sit together in the dark. Daeshim was so relieved that Jaejin didn’t just shut him down when he asked about Moontae and was actually giving him an answer, even though it wasn’t exactly what he wanted to hear. He didn’t know what he wanted to hear though. He was both happy that his previous suspicion that Moontae was upset because twenty year old Daeshim was an asshole wasn’t true, but for some reason reality hurt more. 

They were closer two years later. Best friends. But Daeshim wanted more. He had a crush on Moontae for ages it felt like, and the knowledge his feelings amounted into nothing two years later was so disheartening. If they still weren’t together now, when they were so close, then it was obvious they just weren’t meant to be. It made sense now why Moon-hyung was so sad. Daeshim couldn’t remember all those memories that made their friendship stronger. Part of him just hoped there was something deeper to it, but he was wrong.

“Oh,” He replied quitely, lips turning down into a frown as he hugged the bunny to his chest. Jaejin already knew how he felt about Moontae, it wasn’t only Taeho they gossiped about during their sleepover, so he didn’t even stop himself from admitting the truth. “I just thought that two years later we’d be…together, maybe,” Daeshim murmured, eyes blinking open as he looked up at Jaejin sadly, “I guess not.” They were a sad pair, pining over the same boys for this long. They really needed new crushes. He just couldn’t imagine not wanting Moontae when he felt like he was perfect for him in every way. He wondered if his twenty year old self still felt this way before the accident. If it was already painful at eighteen then it must be torture now. 

It wasn’t like Moontae was the only person he ever had feelings for. He still had that little crush on Ev-ah, but it was so different. Evan was so pretty that it made Daeshim feel all flustered. While, Moon-hyung was just…everything. He made his chest burn. There were so many times he just wanted to give in and kiss him just because he smiled or said something cute. He didn’t think time could erase that.

Jaejin couldn’t help but frown a little bit at how strongly Daeshim reacted to being told that he used to be nicer. It wasn’t that his best friend wasn’t nice, because he was honestly one of the nicest people that Jaejin had ever had in his life, but he was no longer the shy, awkward person that he’d been two years ago before he’d debuted. Daeshim had done such a good job growing out of that person and flourishing when he’d started dating Moontae, and Jaejin always felt a little bit envious about it because he’d been in a group even longer than his friend and still couldn’t make himself be anywhere near as bold and blatant as he was. It was one of the many things that he envied about Daeshim, and he’d told him that multiple times in the past, but this Daeshim didn’t remember all the pep talks he’d tried to give Jaejin about confidence and being himself, so he kept that quiet.

“You’re not mean now,” he quickly backtracked. “Don’t think that. You’ve just grown, you got confident. It’s really impressive, Daedae. You’re not disrespectful to Jihoon-hyung, but he’s not a sunbaenim to you.” The last part wasn’t necessarily true; Daeshim and Moontae both had a habit of being disrespectful to their Infin8 leader, but Jaejin didn’t feel like that he need to point that part out and make his friend any more concerned about his behaviour than he’d already had.

There were so many things that Jaejin wanted to say when Daeshim mentioned that he was going to continue on his mission. He wanted to tell Daeshim to stop, that it’d been long enough and that there was no point in trying anymore when it’d been over two years and Taeho-hyung only saw him as his groupmate’s friend, but he also didn’t want to crush Daeshim’s feelings. He had been dealing with so much since coming back with such intense memory loss, and if it meant that he’d humour his friend and let him plot how to get them together just to try and give him something positive to look at, then that was fine. He could tolerate a few more weeks of this, and then hopefully Daeshim would have his memories back and he would finally tell his friend that he wanted to give up. A part of him would always be in love with Taeho, but he was starting to get tired of feeling like he’d never be loved every time Taeho brushed Daeshim’s plans off. If he was going to be alone, he might as well start getting used to it now, and maybe he’d end up having feelings for someone else down the line, if he got over himself.

“Dae,” Jaejin said in a quiet voice as he saw how his friend’s face fell at the knowledge that he wasn’t dating Moontae. Jaejin had been so careful to avoid the fact that he was, that they were so in love that romance films looked dull in comparison to them, but he couldn’t blatantly drop the fact that they were dating without knowing that he’d be facing serious consequences from his friend for revealing the truth. It wasn’t his secret to share, but Jaejin didn’t know why it was a secret in the first place. He knew that Moontae loved Daeshim with his entire heart, so he was probably just trying to protect him, but he wanted to see his best friends curled up together like they always were and bring that smile back to Daeshim’s face so he stopped looking so sad.

It took him a few moments to gather his thoughts before he began gently rubbing Daeshim’s back. “I guess this is why we’re best friends,” he managed weakly, still hesitant to say anything that would even begin to imply that he knew more than he let on. “So we can go through things like this together.” Jaejin pulled Daeshim closer, pressing his face into the man’s hair as he cuddled him and tried to provide silent comfort despite the fact that every fibre of his being was begging him to just scream out how loved Daeshim actually was and how happy he’d been before he’d lost all of his memories.

“Hey, maybe we should just start dating,” Jaejin weakly joked. It was something that they’d thrown around back when they were younger, when they both thought that their crushes were unrequited and hopeless. He hadn’t said it in a while, not since Daeshim had started dating Moontae, but maybe it would feel like old times again and make Daeshim feel less miserable about the fact that he and Moontae weren’t together in his mind. “We already have the cuddling and sleepover and sharing secrets part down. All we have to do is add all the other stuff.”

[infin8gravity]

gravity-infin8​:

Daeshim knew he was joking, that behind the bruises and stitches his face probably looked exactly the same as the last time Jaejin saw him. But to Daeshim, he really did look older. He still remembered the first time he saw his reflection after he woke up, and how shocked he was to see he actually had a jawline now. It made him wonder what else about him changed in the last two years that he couldn’t see. Like had his rapping improved? If it did, he was probably back to square one, since he forgot his progress. Then he also wanted to know smaller, sillier things, like if he had his first kiss yet. Or, shit, if he was still a vrigin. He’d hate it if he couldn’t remember his first time.

He blinked back into focus as Jaejin took his hands. These days it was really hard for him to stay present. Not only did his thoughts always feel disjointed and scrambled, but he also spent so much time searching his brain for the missing gaps in his memory. It made him space out in the middle of conversations, but nobody seemed too upset about it. They probably all expected for his brain to be sluggish. He weakly squeezed his friend’s hands and laughed quietly. “Maybe,” Daeshim shrugged. “I’d have no way of knowing. I couldn’t understand what the doctors were saying most of the time. Jihoon sunbaenim had to translate a lot for me. Maybe, he left out the fact that they rearranged my face,” He joked lightly, though…what if it was true? His hyung seemed really, really nice, but Daeshim still didn’t know him, he could hide the fact he got plastic surgery, like how Vi3e groupmates were hiding everything else from him. 

Daeshim visibly deflated at the news that Jaejin and Taeho still weren’t dating. He already knew that would be the case, considering Tae-hyung hadn’t mentioned it at all, but he thought it might be one of those things they were keeping from him to avoid stressing him out. That wouldn’t stress him out though, it’d make him happy. It felt like he’s been waiting for them to finally admit their feelings for each other forever, and that was how he felt two years ago. How were they still dancing around each other? It probably said more about him as a friend if he hadn’t forced them together at this point. 

“In the last two years there hasn’t been a right time?” Daeshim asked in disbelief. He wanted to smack his past self for just letting them go on like that. Maybe there were reasons he felt like he shouldn’t just intervene and set them up himself, but he forgot those reasons, so he might as well start now. He’d have to work on that once he was less bed ridden. There was only so much he could from his bedroom, surrounded by plushies. 

What he could do though, was snuggle his friend properly, so he pushed the covers down and shoved a few plushies off the bed unceremoniously. It was a little mean, but they just ended up on the floor while he slept anyway. He kept Evan’s tucked safely in his arms and patted the spot next to him. “Come get under the covers, Jaejae,” He instructed gently and waited before pulling the comforter back up to his chest. He was tired of being stuck in bed, he wanted to go outside, but just going to the kitchen was an exhausting journey, so he knew he wasn’t ready to leave the dorm yet. 

Daeshim let out a relieved breath when Jaejin offered to answer his questions. It was enough to distract him from the fact that his friends still weren’t together. Finally someone was willing to help. It wasn’t like his hyungs and dongsaengs left him completely in the dark. They played him the songs he couldn’t remember, showed him the awards he forgot winning, and filled him in on some of the important milestones in their personal lives. But when things got too specific, they got weird and avoided the subject. It made him worried that something terrible happened, and they were too afraid to upset him. 

“I have a million questions,” Daeshim sighed as he laid on his pillow, pausing to pull a stuffed zebra out from under his head. “The last thing I remember is coming home from a MNet performance and collapsing in bed. Everything after that is just…blank,” He admitted quietly. There were small things that he just knew. He knew he called Moonsoo, Soo-ah, but he didn’t actually remember him. He found himself humming the tune to songs that he didn’t even know the names of. And he didn’t remember the accident at all, but sometimes he had vague nightmares about headlights and screeching metal, but otherwise the past two years didn’t exist to him at all.  

Daeshim didn’t want to just blurt out every single question he had, so he chose the most important one. The one he asked himself constantly throughout the day, because he was reminded of it every time he saw the pain in Moontae’s eyes and watched his fake smile drop. Moontae touched him more than Daeshim ever remembered him doing, but it looked like it pained him to do it. He didn’t know what it meant. “Why is Moon-hyung so sad?” He finally asked quietly. “I mean, I know he was in the accident too, and spent so much time in the hospital, but I’m okay, and we’re home now, and he still seems so…” He trailed off with a frown, playing idly with the stuffed bunny’s ears, “Sad,” He said again, but that was the best way to describe it. “Did I do something wrong?” It seemed like the only explanation at this point. Maybe, that was why no one would talk to him about Moontae. 

Jaejin couldn’t resist the soft choking noise that escaped his lips at Daeshim calling his Infin8 hyung sunbaenim. It was the most bizarre and surreal experience that he had ever had in his life, and it made him want to reach out and gently shake Daeshim until he was back to his normal self. “Sunbaenim?” he asked, unable to keep the surprise out of his voice as he spoke. “Did you actually call Jihoon-hyung sunbaenim? You never called him that even when you found out you were going to be put in a group with him. He’s a joke to you...” Jaejin blinked a few times, processing the situation and just how different Daeshim was as his eighteen-year-old self as opposed to the one that he was used to. “Oh Daedae,” he said in a soft, fond voice. “I forgot how nice you used to be.”

The lighter mood seemed to fade the second that Daeshim reacted to the fact that Jaejin still hadn’t shared his feelings with Taeho. He hated seeing his friend upset or disappointed with him, but this was an entirely different level of disappointment. It was one thing to see Daeshim roll his eyes at him whenever he stated for the millionth time that it wasn’t the right time to let Taeho know his feelings, but it was an entirely different experience to see his best friend realise that two years had passed and Jaejin was still just as much of a coward as he had been, but with the added bonus of not knowing just how much he’d been trying to not-so-subtly push them together.

“It’s not...you have definitely been trying to help intervene all this time,” Jaejin added after a moment. “But, as you’ve always said, we’re both too stubborn to connect just yet.” He wanted to add that every time Daeshim had ever told him he was being stubborn, Jaejin countered with how he didn’t want to get hurt and that had helped make his friend back off for a little bit, but he didn’t need to remind anyone, especially Daeshim of all people, how fragile he was with his feelings sometimes. Daeshim had seen him at his worst even back before the memory loss, so his friend knew how bad Jaejin’s anxiety could get. Hopefully it would be something he just picked up so that Jaejin didn’t have to once again point it out, but he mentally prepared himself to do so anyway.

It didn’t take much for them to snuggle up together like they always had. The offer of joining him under the covers had Jaejin immediately moving and he crawled carefully into the free space next to Daeshim, being careful not to jostle him as he settled beneath the covers and wrapped an arm around him, pulling him up against his body to hug him in silence. This was how they’d often spent their time together; when they weren’t hanging off of each other, they were snuggling. It felt almost rare, the times that existed where they didn’t touch, and while they had increased somewhat due to the fact that Daeshim had a Moontae all over him in recent years, that didn’t mean that his best friend ever excluded him. 

“I don’t know if I have a million answers,” Jaejin admitted truthfully as he looked at Daeshim, shifting to gently card his fingers through his friend’s hair. “But I’ll answer as many of them as I can. He knew that he wouldn’t hesitate to give Daeshim all the answer that he could possibly give, but Jaejin also knew that he was a terrible liar, and that the second he had to come up with some big excuse to avoid answering a question, Daeshim would likely catch him in it and possibly end up dragging the truth out anyway. Jaejin was a lot of things, but dishonest wasn’t one of them, and Daeshim knew that about him. It was probably one of the best and worst parts of their friendship, because no matter what, Jaejin would be honest almost to a fault when Daeshim asked him about things. He still tried to at least keep his friend’s emotions in his thoughts when he spoke to him, but there had been times when he’d unintentionally offended Daeshim from his inability to sugar-coat the truth or avoid it entirely.

The second the topic turned to Moontae, however, Jaejin wished with his whole heart that he was a great liar. This was going to be one of the most difficult conversations that he was ever going to have, and he knew that it was also the most unavoidable one. They’d been friends for so long that Jaejin couldn’t just avoid it or change the subject, and he also had to keep in mind that Moontae had made him swear that he wouldn’t tell Daeshim the truth, even though it seemed ridiculous. Jaejin knew Daeshim’s soft feelings for his boyfriend had been around since before they’d debuted, but it wasn’t his place to tell Moontae that, even if it probably would help things overall. He had a friendship to keep track of first and foremost, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t try and subtly point Daeshim in the right direction so they could resolve it overall.

“Moontae-hyung...” Jaejin was slow with his words as he tried to piece them together without it sounding like he was making an excuse. He had to be very careful with how he worded this, to make sure that he didn’t go too hard with his words or sound too dismissive of the situation, because both were bad. “He misses you, the Daeshim that you were before the memory loss.” He knew that probably would make his friend feel guilty but it was the easiest way to explain things without fully explaining them. “These past few years, you two have gotten really close, closer than you and I are sometimes.  Moontae-hyung calls you his best friend, his partner in crime, so I think he’s trying to be there for you but trying not to overwhelm you with all of that friendship and the memories? I think he doesn’t want you to feel guilty for not remembering it.” The words sounded fake to Jaejin’s ears since he knew exactly how deep and loved Daeshim was by Moontae, but hopefully his friend wouldn’t pick up on it. The two years of memory loss erased the memories, but he wasn’t sure how well they’d erased the emotions that the two of them shared, and that was what Jaejin was most worried about.

[infin8gravity]

gravity-infin8​:

As time passed, the constant ache in Daeshim’s head began to fade, but unfortunately the confusion and frustration only grew, which would just make the headaches come back. He was happy to be back in the dorms with his hyungs and dongsaengs, but he was also so, so tired and frustrated with himself. 

There were so many times a day where someone would mention something that Daeshim couldn’t remember, and then they’d all stumble over themselves with guilt, looking like he just broke their hearts. Daeshim hated it, and it just made him try even harder to get his memories back, which always ended with his head throbbing. He made an effort to spend time with Moonsoo, hoping if he stared at him enough then he’d remember something about him joining Vi3e, but he couldn’t, and it made him feel horrible that he actually forgot one of his members. Maybe he forgot significant moments of the other’s lives, but he still remembered them. Apparently, one of Eunie’s said significant moments actually had to do with Soo-ah, because Daeshim walked in on them kissing in the kitchen last week, and he was so shocked that he nearly fell over from a sudden dizzy spell. 

Somehow, forgetting Moonsoo wasn’t worse than how sad Moontae was though. Daeshim kept hoping his hyung would start to feel better now that they were back in their dorms and safe, but time just seemed to wear him down. He could tell he was doing his best to put on a happy face for Daeshim, but when Moontae thought he wasn’t looking, the mask would fall. Daeshim didn’t understand it at all. He remembered Moontae, so why was he taking this harder than everyone else? He thought maybe the accident traumatized him worse than he let on, and he was just trying to spare Daeshim while he was dealing with his amnesia. He didn’t know though, because nobody would tell him. Nobody would tell him anything really. It was more frustrating than his own inability to conjure up his missing memories. 

Today he finally had something to be excited about though, because Jaejin was visiting. He was so grateful he still remembered his adorably sweet best friend, and while he was going to have a two year blank gap like he did with everyone else, he was still eager to see him. Maybe, Jae-ah would actually talk to him, and not act shifty and suspicious any time he asked something like if he’s had his first kiss yet or why Moontae was acting so strange. It took a lot of convincing, but his groupmates finally got Moon-hyung to leave the room to actually see the sun, leaving Daeshim in the room alone for the first time in ages, surrounded by about a million plushies. 

Daeshim wanted Moontae to get some outdoors time, but he found that he pathetically missed him the second he was gone, leading him to hug Evan’s bunny to his chest. It was really hard to have feelings for Moontae while he was so overprotective, because he literally never left his side. It made things confusing for Daeshim, because he kept wanting to kiss him. The weird part was, it felt like something he’d do naturally, even thought that definitely wasn’t normal for them. Like the time he accidentally called Moon-hyung, ‘Yeobo.’ It just fell from his lips like he always did it, and he didn’t. Maybe, he was the one who needed fresh air…

Before he could trigger another headache with his own confusion, the door opened and revealed the slightly aged face of his best friend. Jaejin still looked cute as always, but less baby cute now. He should be used to seeing the two years added to all his friend’s faces by now, but he wasn’t. His eyes went wide with shock as he melted into Jaejin’s hug, hugging him back with the little strength he had. He missed when he was able to tackle him to the ground with his hugs, but the doctor, or Ji-hyung really, told him his body would eventually recover even if his body didn’t. 

“Jaejae,” Daeshim murmured in return, “Don’t be sorry. I know LifeLite is busy.” Because apparently two of their members were now his members too. He still wasn’t used to that. He knew Baekyung and Jaesang more than the other members of Infin8, but it was still strange to see them all perform that Not Today song together. Those were Jae-ah’s hyungs, not his. 

“I missed you too,” He pulled back with a tired smile, studying Jaejin’s face now that it was up close. To Daeshim, his most recent memory of Jaejin was about a week before their MNet performance. They were eighteen and had a sleepover and gossiped about Tae-hyung. That was two years ago though, and he was looking at a twenty year old now. “You look older,” He commented, his arm trembling as he lifted it to pinch his friend’s cheek playfully. “You’ll be honest with me, right Jaejae? Nobody is telling me anything. Are you and Tae-hyung in love now?” He asked. He didn’t want to overwhelm Jaejin the second he walked in his door, but he had a lot to catch up on. Two years worth technically. 

Even though Daeshim looked exhausted and injured and exactly how Jaejin had expected him to, he found himself so relieved to see his friend’s face that he didn’t even think about what he’d been through to get to that point. He held onto Daeshim for a long moment, lingering in the hug for as long as Daeshim would let him. This was the moment that had been building inside of Jaejin since he’d heard the news about the accident, and he couldn’t imagine pulling away from Daeshim for even a second until he soaked up every bit of warmth and emotion he could so he could remind himself that Daeshim was alive and safe.

When Daeshim pulled back, Jaejin felt a chill, but he resisted the urge to shiver or pull Daeshim back into his grip. If it was up to him, he would hold onto Daeshim for forever, or until Moontae came back and eventually got bored of having him taking up all of Daeshim’s attention and kicked him out. There weren’t many people that Jaejin felt comfortable around enough to touch them that long, but since they’d been trainees, Daeshim had always been a comforting presence in Jaejin’s life. He’d been one of the few people who he could embarrass himself in front of without overthinking it for the next week or so, and he was one of a handful of people in Jaejin’s life that he genuinely loved spending time with and touching by any means without feeling like he had to plan out what he was doing ten steps ahead. Daeshim was Jaejin’s safety net in this crazy world he’d gotten himself into, but in this situation, he had to be brave and not get lost in his thoughts. Daeshim needed him, or at least that’s what Jaejin was going to tell himself so that he didn’t just spend the next few hours clinging to Daeshim in silent need.

“You look older too,” Jaejin weakly teased as he shifted, reaching for Daeshim’s hands to hold onto as he looked at his face. He didn’t; if anything, Daeshim looked tired, but that wasn’t the kind of thing he needed to point out. “What did they do to you in America? Give you old man plastic surgery?” He tried so hard to joke with Daeshim like they often did, but the shaky way that Daeshim pinched his cheek and the question of honesty had Jaejin’s smile fading from his lips and his heart squeezing painfully in his chest. It was a reminder of everything that had happened, that this Daeshim wasn’t his Daeshim that he’d seen the night before he’d left for America, but a version that Jaejin hadn’t spent the last two years in various antics and chaotic experiences with.

He was about to open his mouth and lie through his teeth about being honest because he’d promised Moontae that he wouldn’t say a word about their relationship when Daeshim switched the conversation to his own, or lack thereof. Jaejin faltered, his mouth slowly falling shut as he shifted his gaze to where he was still holding on to one of Daeshim’s hands. He should’ve known this would come up. Jaejin had been crushing hard on Vi3e’s leader since he’d first met him, but as he had told Daeshim over and over and over again, it never felt like the right time to bring it to his attention. What he didn’t add, however, was that he was so afraid of the rejection that he wasn’t even willing to try. He’d spent the last few years just watching Taeho from afar, cheering on his successes, feeling his losses, and being absolutely, irrevocably, in love with him.

Well, maybe it wasn’t love, because Jaejin really didn’t know what it would feel like to be in love with someone, but he thought it might be.

“No,” he admitted in a soft voice, almost afraid to look at Daeshim as he spoke because he didn’t want to see how disappointed his friend was in him for not having done anything about the feelings that he’d had for the two years of memory loss he was enduring. “I haven’t told him yet, Dae. It hadn’t been the right time yet.” While Jaejin had absolutely no idea when the right time would ever be, or if it ever would be the right time at all, he knew that it was just a weak excuse to avoid his feelings, and at some point Daeshim would probably just shove him into Taeho and tell them to stop being stupid. Hopefully he could avoid that for a little longer now that Daeshim didn’t remember how agonising their conversations about this had been the past few years, but in Jaejin’s defence, Taeho was busy and probably didn’t have time for something as stupid as as the soft, tender emotions that Jaejin felt for him.

Jaejin shifted his gaze back up to Daeshim, blinking the thoughts away as he tilted his head to look at him. “Today’s not about me, though. Talk to me about you. How was being at home, being back here? What questions do you have? I want to help you catch up so that things feel less like people are hiding things.” Hopefully if he diverted the topic off of him, then maybe Daeshim wouldn’t give him that look that he hated; the one full of pity and upset that he was living his dream relationship and Jaejin was not - not that he remembered that right now.

[infin8gravity]

i missed you | jaejin & daeshim

As badly as Jaejin had wanted to run to see Daeshim the second he’d gotten back in the country, it hadn’t been an opportunity he was able to afford. Despite the fact that his group members were still shaken up from the trauma of a car accident and his best friend was apparently missing some of his memory, an unfortunate piece of knowledge he’d learned from Moontae, they still had to go on with their lives like normal. VI3E and Infin8 might’ve gotten away with not having to go all-out with their holiday promotions, but LifeLite hadn’t despite the fact that Baekyung and Jaesang had been part of the accident as well. They’d been doing various events, some with their shaken-up hyungs, and some without, and working on promotional pieces for the nearing holidays. When they had breaks, Jaejin checked in with Moontae, but they were still at Daeshim’s family home and he couldn’t get a long enough break to actually travel out there to see them.

Jaejin had managed to put together a small get-well package by the time he got a chance to see Daeshim, and he’d bundled it together along with the silly, sparkly Santa hat that he’d worn in their games they’d played during the day, and made his way up to the VI3E dorms to see his best friend. Jaejin had barely had a chance to knock on the door before he was greeted with a smiley Evan and an, “Oh thank goodness.” His brows furrowed a bit before Evan began to explain that they had been waiting for him and that Moontae was not willing to leave Daeshim’s side unless there was someone with him that he trusted, and then proceeded to get pouty about the fact that Moontae did not seem to trust any of them with Daeshim just yet.

“I’m sure that’s not the case,” Jaejin said weakly, not entirely sure what was happening as he was being ushered into the dorms, but then Sora began explaining that they were going to take Moontae to get some fresh air and a change of perspective, which seemed like a bad idea to Jaejin but he wasn’t going to push it. He had no idea what state his best friend’s boyfriend was in, but the texts that they’d exchanged seemed very concerning, and the paparazzi and fan photos that had been taken at the airport did not make him feel any better about the situation. He was worried about the state of their relationship, and really wanted to spend some time talking to Moontae about it, but that wasn’t something he could do if Daeshim was waiting for him and the boys were trying to drag Moontae out. He opened his mouth to say something, but Jaejin didn’t know what to add to the conversation, and before he could figure it out, Moontae came out of their room.

He looked horrible, like he still wasn’t sleeping much, but he also looked less pale then he had in the photos Jaejin had seen. He immediately stepped forward, ignoring the rest of VI3E as he walked up to Moontae and pulled him into a tight hug. “I’m sorry, hyung,” he said in a tiny voice, not missing the way that Moontae’s breath seemed to stutter in his grip. He hugged him for a few moments longer before Moontae pulled away from him and pushed him towards the bedroom the two shared with a quiet, he’s waiting for you. Jaejin wanted to stay and ask how Moontae was doing and what was going on with him and if he really wanted to leave or if he wanted to stay with them, but he words were lodged in his throat, unable to speak them despite his concern around all the others, especially when they were watching him. He hated being watched, hated knowing that eyes were on him and listening to the words he hadn’t even yet said, so Jaejin nodded and walked to the bedroom, quietly twisting the door handle before he pushed it open.

The room looked so sad. It looked like no one lived there, deprived of the colourful banner that depicted their relationship’s start and the dozens of photos that were once plastered up to display his friends’ relationship. The most jarring part was probably seeing the beds separated by a nightstand between them, but Jaejin couldn’t even take the time to properly process that as his eyes landed on his friend. “Daedae,” he breathed out in a soft voice before he stepped over to the bed, dropping the bag on the floor before he leaned in and wrapped his arms warmly around him, gripping tight but not too tight in case it hurt. “I’m sorry I couldn’t come sooner. I wanted to, I really did. I missed you.”

[infin8gravity]

gravity-infin8​:

“Me too,” Jisu whispered, his chest aching at his brother’s words. It used to be the standard for them to spend time with each other, but now it was like the bare minimum. Ever since their fight, Jisu tried his best to be as involved in Jihoonie’s life as he possibly could, but they were both busy. When one had free time, the other had dance practice. Or they were both on tour on the same time. It made seeing each other impossible even when the weren’t actually that far apart from each other. Now that they were finally in the same place for the first time in ages, Jisu just wanted to soak it up. Even if they spent the entire night just like this, it’d be perfect to Jisu. 

He wanted to spend the night wrapped up in Jihoon, but he didn’t want to spend it missing their lives from before they became idols, but when he brought up their umma that was exactly what he started to do. It all made him so nostalgic now, sharing a room with Jihoon, getting ready for school in the morning, trying to convince him to learn the choreography to his new favorite song with him when they got home, and sitting around the dinner table to one of their umma’s homecooked meals as she asked them about their days. It was so average, but Jisu would give anything to have that again for at least one day. It wasn’t like he regretted the direction their lives went in, he would never when it brought him the love of his life and his hyungs and dongsaengs. He just wished he could have both families at once.

Jisu wasn’t going to focus on that right now though. He was going to focus on taking care of the family member he currently had in his arms–who needed to eat and sleep. He made a mental note to call their umma and ask her to bring Ji-ssang some food to his dorms. She would do it without question and make him enough to last him for a month. It was too late to try and get their poor umma to rush over with food right now though, so takeout would have to do. “Christmas, remember?” He asked softly and tapped his head gently with his chin. At least, it was around the corner and they wouldn’t have to go so long without seeing each other again. 

He wasn’t surprised to hear that Jihoonie wasn’t hungry, he was going through so much stress that it was probably taking a toll on his appetite, but that didn’t Jisu liked it. It made him worried to go back to his dorms the next day and leave him with Youngjae, who wouldn’t make sure he was eating. “Tteokbokki then,” Jisu decided, leaving no room for an argument, as he pulled up the online portal for one of the local places that made decent tteokbokki and ordered two servings and a few sides. If it was too much, then Jisu would have leftovers. Running on instinct, he ducked down and kissed his brother’s damp hair as he snuggled in closer to him. They were only a few minutes apart, but Jisu was still born first and it made him protective over his ssang, though the roles did flip depending on the situation. But right now, it was Jihoon who needed to be comforted. 

The few tragedies the twins faced in their lives, they shared and leaned on each other for comfort. This was the first time Jisu really had nothing to do with what Jihoon was going through. As much as he wanted to, he couldn’t fully understand the pain his twin felt right now. He wasn’t a leader, so he didn’t know what it was like to carry that burden on his shoulders. And he barely knew the members of Infin8. To the point when they found out that Daeshim was the one in critical condition, all Jisu felt was relief. To Jihoon though, Daeshim was his maknae and nearly losing him must’ve traumatized him. All he Jisu could do right now was try to support Jihoon the best he could. 

Once the order is through, he placed his phone on the bedside table and watched as Jihoon played with his hoodie strings, smiling fondly as he seemed to pick up old habits. He was grateful when his brother went along with the subject change, falling silent as he listened. He remembered when Gravity had their first tour in America and how new and exciting everything was. He was shocked when they had a sold out stadium and all the fans sang along to their songs. It was when he really felt like Gravity made it, and now Jihoon got to experience that with Infin8.

Jisu was about to ask for more specifics, like what his favorite city or American food was, but then Jihoon casually announced that he had his first kiss and he completely forgot about the tour. When Jisu had his first kiss with Air, he frantically texted his brother all about it. It felt like ever since then, he’s been waiting for Jihoon to experience the same thing, but his brother just never found his person. The fact that it had finally happened was huge, and yet again, Jisu was finding out way too late. He was about to slip into that same hurt reaction he had when he found out about Infin8, but then he remembered that the accident happened literally the next day, so obviously Jihoon forgot to tell him. 

The hurt immediately flipped into excitement and he gasped, “Wait what!? With who? I swear if you don’t tell me everything right now…” He trailed off and playfully shook his brother, but it was mostly an empty thread. Jihoon brought it up, so he was pretty sure he wouldn’t have to fight him to tell him.

As soon as Jisu got excited for him to tell him about his kiss, Jihoon felt happier than he had in a long while. He had been watching Jisu and Air be in love with each other for years and had always wanted someone to feel like that towards him. While the kiss that he’d shared with Ryung had been a drunken moment and something that had resulted from a game of Never Had I Ever, the subsequent small ones and the cuddles that they’d had for the entire evening had made his heart beat a little bit faster and made him wish that he could have more than just a few drunken kisses.

It wasn’t that Jihoon didn’t know love. He had literally spent the entirety of his life with his twin by his side, and Jisu loved him in a way that no one would ever be able to compare with. He also had his 5Alive hyungs, and he loved them all and knew that they loved him too, but it had never really been the same with them. Having been the youngest member of his group by actual years, he’d felt separated from his hyungs and alone for a long part of his time due to the age difference. It had left Jihoon feeling like he was a small child surrounded by cooler teenagers/adults and it took him a long time to really bond with them in a way that wasn’t just them pinching his cheeks and calling him cute. It came from a place of love, he knew that, but it wasn’t like what he saw with his twin and his group. He wanted to be loved like Air loved Jisu, or like Gravity did with their family in general, and he had been starting to feel the later of that with Infin8, but maybe he could feel the former with Ryung too.

“I...it was really nice,” Jihoon said with a small chuckle as he shifted to sit up after Jisu shook him, but he didn’t let go of Jisu, not completely. He shifted to grab onto Jisu’s hands, holding onto them as he began to feel a little more awake as he began telling Jisu about their last night of tour. “We were winding down from our last show, so we all piled into my hotel room and we were drinking to celebrate.” He paused. “I think Youngjae’s the reason we got so drunk, but I don’t remember who started the game. We were playing Never Have I Ever, and it was a lot of inappropriate things.” He flushed a little bit as he remembered some of the things that were discussed during the game.

“And it was my turn,” Jihoon added softly, tapping his fingers lightly against Jisu’s hand as he realised that there are still nerves associated with the memories. “I said I’d never been kissed.” The words sounded ridiculous to him even though Jihoon knew that it was what he’d said in the moment and that it was true. It just seemed ridiculous that he was twenty-five, been in the idol industry for over a decade now, and had never had an actual kiss with someone other than with accidental brushes of lips with things like the pepero or paper games. “They pitied me, I think,” Jihoon added in a tiny voice. “Baekyung tried to volunteer and I said no, and then Sungho-hyung said that he’d get it out of the way for me and I didn’t want that, and then...” his voice trailed off as he remembered that Daeshim and Moontae had joked about being his first too, but that was sad and he didn’t want to be sad right now.

Jihoon licked his lips, taking in a soft breath before continuing the story. “Ryung offered, and I told him he could, and then he kissed me.” Jihoon paused. “Ji-ssang, I never knew it could be that nice to be kissed. They always make it look so intense and emotional in the movies and shows, but he was so gentle and it was...sweet...” He bit down on his lip, smiling just a soft bit. “I think I like him, Ji-ssang. He was so nice and we spent the whole rest of the night snuggled up together.”

[infin8gravity]

gravity-infin8​:

Once Moonsoo was fully facing him, Eun wrapped him into a proper hug, trying to somehow make up for the one he didn’t get from Daeshim. He wished he could say it wasn’t as bad as SooSoo-ah made it seem, but it really was. They all knew Daeshim had amnesia, and they all knew it was bad enough for Moontae to feel the need to keep their relationship a secret, but it didn’t feel real until Daeshim was standing right in front of them and looking at Moonsoo like he just wandered into their dorms uninvited. Up until then, Eun was still hopeful that the memory loss wasn’t as tragic as Moon-hyung warned, but that moment crushed that hope. “I know,” He whispered and ducked his head to kiss his hair. 

He knew everyone was too focused on Moontae’s feelings to really think about how hurt Moonsoo must be, but, as his boyfriend, he was Eun’s priority. Maybe Moonsoo wasn’t with them from the start, but he still belonged here as much as anyone else. Dae-hyung forgetting him must’ve made him doubt that, but Eun wouldn’t let that happen. Eun was happy before Moonsoo joined, he had eleven hyungs who treated him like he was extra special for being the maknae, making sure he was well fed and cared for. It always made him brim with happiness. He didn’t feel like he was missing anything, but when they were introduced to Moonsoo it was like something clicked–the final piece of the puzzle. 

At first, Eun thought he just gained another hyung, but then he started to notice that SooSoo-ah looked at him differently than everyone else did. Eun was so used to everyone cooing over how cute he was, and getting fond looks whenever he did something especially adorable, but Moonsoo was the first person to look at him like he was someone to be desired and not someone to baby. It filled him with excitement, and he wanted to see just how far those feelings went, so he spent more time with Moonsoo and engaged in skinship with him as much as possible, and before he knew it, he had feelings too. 

Moonsoo was the most important person to Eun, so if Dae-hyung couldn’t remind him he belonged right now then he would. “That’s because before you joined they told us all about you, and Tae-hyung planned all these big welcome activities for you. I don’t think Dae-hyung remembers that,” Eun said softly, still unsure about what he did and didn’t remember. If his last memory was their Wonderland performance for MNet, then sadly that was before they knew about Moonsoo. He knew his words weren’t exactly comforting, but he just wanted Moonsoo to know that Daeshim would never look at him like that if he still remembered that preparation period.

“He looked so sad when he realized he couldn’t remember you, SooSoo-ah. I bet once he feels a little better, he’ll make an effort to get to know you again,” He reassured him. Maybe, they couldn’t tell Daeshim about Moontae, as much as they all wanted to, but there was nothing stopping them from telling him about Moonsoo. “Give him time, and he’ll love you all over again. I promise.” 

Eun always knew how to make Moonsoo feel better, and this was no different. He let himself get lost in the hug for a moment, snuggling up against his boyfriend as he wrapped his arms around his middle and held him close. This was what he needed, what he’d wanted more than anything else. It wasn’t exactly fixing everything, but he knew that he was feeling a lot better now that he was wrapped up in his boyfriend’s arms. He closed his eyes and lingered in the feeling of the hug for a little bit, trying to focus solely on the warmth and comfort of Eun pressed up against him and not on the fact that he was still sad about Daeshim forgetting who he was. Eun was right; he’d remember eventually, and if not, they’d be friends again like they had the first time around.

He smiles softly at the reminder about Eun about how things had been when he’d first debuted. Moonsoo had been so nervous about joining an existing group. If he had been invited to one that had been full of other trainees, he would’ve still been nervous, but less so knowing they were all going into this together. His situation, however, had been entirely different. He’d gotten a phone call from a representative back when he was still living in Canada, and a week later he was on a plane, being told that he was going to debut in a few months if he worked hard at it. Moonsoo had presumed he’d be part of whatever new group KYJ had been planning to put out for 2020, but instead they told him that they were going to add him to an existing, already popular group that was being merged into one, and Moonsoo didn’t know what to do with that information.

The next thing he knew, he was being introduced to twelve other hyungs and being wrapped up into their arms and taken in like he was one of their own, no questions asked, and it had been so warm and caring that Moonsoo couldn’t figure out why he’d been nervous in the first place. They quickly became a family to him when his own was across the globe, so knowing that one of them had forgotten him entirely was hitting him harder than he thought it would. “Those activities were fun,” Moonsoo mumbled softly into Eun’s shoulder before he pulled back and looked at him. “I still can’t remember how we ended up getting icing on the ceiling that one night, though.”

A tiny smile hit Moonsoo’s lips, and the heaviness in his chest at being forgotten by Daeshim started to lessen as he looked at his boyfriend. He shifted to gently touch Eun’s cheeks, pulling him forward into a brief but soft kiss, and he was smiling a little bit more as he pulled back. “I can give him time, I’m not worried about me,” he admitted before he shifted his gaze back to where Moontae was being dragged into what looked like a meeting from hell with their hyungs and he frowned a bit as he watched them. “Dae-hyung and I can always become friends again. I’m worried about Moontae-hyung and what will happen with his relationship if Dae-hyung doesn’t remember him at all anymore.”

[infin8gravity]

gravity-infin8​:

Eun wiped the tears from his cheeks as he watched his hyungs disappear into their room, where he knew their beds were now pushed apart like they were just roommates. He was so glad Dae-hyung was home, but it just wasn’t the reunion they all really wanted. It wasn’t the same without his memories. Now that he was back, and Moon-hyung wanted them to keep their relationship a secret, there would be a lot of awkward tip toeing around the rapper. At least until he got his memories back. If he got his memories back. Eun hated to think like that, but it was hard to stay positive when they all saw just how bad his memory loss was. He couldn’t even remember his best friend. 

Speaking of his best friend, Eun knew his boyfriend must be so hurt Dae-hyung didn’t remember him. He was the only one left out of the hugging train, and as someone who personally loved to hug SooSoo-ah, it made his heart hurt. Sniffing, he willed the tears that Sora-hyung set off and wandered into the kitchen, finding Moonsoo by the cake that was already getting picked at. His chest ached when he took in his boyfriend’s appearance, face pressed into his hands. 

Maybe Moontae was the most important person in Daeshim’s life, but Moonsoo was a very close second. As soon as he joined Vi3e, Daeshim took him in like he was his baby duckling, and the two became quick friends. When Moonsoo and Eun started dating, Dae-hyung sat them down and jokingly had the sex talk with them, while Eun blushed furiously and wished the ground would swallow him whole. Now, he didn’t remember that they were together, or Moonsoo at all. 

Sighing, he moved into his boyfriend’s space and wrapped his arms around him from behind, hugging him as he rested his chin on his shoulder. “He’ll remember you again, aegiya,” Eun whispered and gave him a loving squeeze. “And if he doesn’t, once he gets to know you, he’ll love you all over again like the first time. Remember how fast he latched onto you?” He murmured and pressed a kiss to Moonsoo’s shoulder. He wasn’t sure if he believed that Daeshim would just miraculously get his memories back, but he did believe that he’d rebuild the relationships he couldn’t remember. They were family, that didn’t just go away. 

Moonsoo had been lost in his pity party of one when he realised that there ware suddenly arms around him and a warm body pressed against his back. This was the the hug that he had been craving, even if it wasn’t from the person that he had been hoping it’d be from. Still, he softened when he heard Eun’s voice in his ear, a smile curling on the edges of his lips despite the sadness that he felt. This hug was possibly better, even if it was the result of his pity party.

Moonsoo truly loved his boyfriend. From the moment that he first met Eun, he knew that he had fallen for the man. He was the prettiest person he’d ever seen in his entire life, and the maknae just seemed so soft and worm and loving that Moonsoo had no choice but to fall completely and fully for him. He’d stared at Eun every chance he could, watching him quietly from behind the scenes and on camera, to the point where Moontae and Daeshim had both called him out on being a sappier romantic than they were. It wasn’t possible, of course - they were the ultimate relationship goals in their group - but it had been a heartwarming experience to know that his crush had gotten noticed by the world’s most made for each other couple.

And then one day things just fell into place and Eun started looking at him back and then they were together. Moonsoo sill cringes at the talk that they’d received from Daeshim once they got together, but it was a reminder of how much his friend cared about him, and now he was the only one who still had those memories of their friendship.

Moonsoo lingered in the hug for a moment, allowing himself to soak up the warmth and love of his boyfriend’s touch. “I know,” he mumbled softly. “We can always rebuild our friendship, that’s not what I’m worried about. It was just...did you see the way he looked at me?” Moonsoo turned in Eun’s arms, shifting so he could pull his boyfriend against his chest and hug him back, face pressing into the crook of his neck as he snuggled into his touch. “He looked at me like a stranger. He didn’t even look at me like that when I first debuted. It hurt.” He felt the sudden urge to cry, but he held it back, knowing that he could keep himself in check and that his boyfriend had already cried once and he didn’t want to set him off with his own tears. This wasn’t fair to anyone, especially Daeshim, and he really was low on the priority pole considering the rapper had forgotten an entire group and his relationship, but Moonsoo selfishly wanted his friend back.

[infin8gravity]

hugs for moonsoo | moonsoo & eun

Being forgotten sucked. Moonsoo knew that the second that Daeshim had looked at him and had no recognition in his eyes but rather confusion as to why he was there it was going to hurt, but it hurt so badly. Daeshim was probably his best friend in the group, and to be forgotten by him really was a miserable feeling that left his heart heavy in his chest.

He had watched in silence while the rest of his group went to go and hug Daeshim and everyone else was recognised, even if differences were commented on, like Eun’s height and Evan’s mullet. They were all still remembered by their rapper. He was the only one who had been forgotten. The worst part was that Moonsoo couldn’t even feel bad for himself, not really, not when Moontae was struggling with literally having their entire relationship erased and having to pretend to just be Daeshim’s friend. This was a horrible feeling all around, and Moonsoo hated it, so he decided he was going to retreat to the kitchen and delve into the cake, as sugar was a good way to cheer himself up.

He stole a tiny bit of icing off of the cake first, sucking it off of the tip of his finger, but even the sugar wasn’t helping with the moping that he was feeling deep inside of him, so he sighed and leaned across the counter, letting out a sad sigh. He was aware that the rest of the group was starting to disperse with Moontae taking Daeshim to his room, but he also knew that as much as he wanted to go and bury himself under his covers and get emotional over the situation, he’d be much better off staying with his hyungs for right now, at least until they all dispersed. He wouldn’t be happy in his room alone, especially since he knew Misun was likely going to hang out here since this was the apartment that Evan lived in and the man was head over heels for him. Moonsoo propped his elbows on the counter, resting his head in his palms as he realised that things were probably going to be weird for a while, and that Daeshim not knowing him meant they would lose out on all those close moments and inside jokes they had. It sucked so much.

[infin8gravity]

gravity-infin8​:

After hours of staring at the ceiling, Ryung’s eyes finally fell shut when he was so exhausted he couldn’t keep them open anymore. When the sun filtered through the windows only a few hours later, Ryung felt like he woke up after an night of drinking, a headache pounding at his temples and his eyes sore and itchy from accidentally sleeping with his contacts in. The only comfort he had was the warm weight at his side, causing him to curl into it with a happy, slightly pained sounding hum. His tired eyes blinked opened, and a lovely, sleepy looking Jihoon swam into view, causing Ryung to smile contently as he remembered the perfect night they had and those sweet kisses. 

The more the lack of sleep settled over him though, the more it brought him back to reality. The night didn’t end as perfect as it started. It ended with a threatening text from Jisu, and the realization that Ryung had no right to Jihoon’s heart, and couldn’t do this to him. His face fell as his heart broke all over again. This morning was everything he ever wanted, waking up with someone he cared about, who was looking at him like he was hung on the moon. He wanted it so badly that he considered forgetting he ever read those texts and greedily stealing another kiss from Jihoon, but he refused to be that selfish. 

Jihoon just looked…so happy. The happiest he looked in ages, and Ryung hated that he couldn’t stay and bask in it. He’d probably rip it all away by leaving. But staying and letting himself get a glimpse of what could’ve been would be too hard. He reminded himself that Jihoon deserved more than he could give him, but god, he wanted to be selfish so bad. He was so tired of giving people his heart and only getting back the shattered pieces. Resisting the urge to spend a sweet morning with him and spoil him with affection was probably the hardest thing Ryung ever had to do.

He reluctantly untangled himself from Jihoon’s arms and sat up, rubbing at his sore eyes. “Thank you, but I should probably go,” He whispered and gave him a weak smile in his best attempt to not look like he was angry with him or something. He didn’t want to hurt Jihoonie, but he also didn’t want to throw his brother under the bus either. He knew how hard things were for them already with the distance. “I shouldn’t leave Sung-hyung with the dongsaengs for too long. They’re too much for any leader,” He murmured and gave a laugh that sounded a little too watery. He didn’t realize his eyes were burning with tears until they were brimming in his eyes, threatening to fall. 

Ryung stood up before Jihoon could look at him too closely and see them, quickly wiping at his eyes with his sleeve. He refused to start crying now. He wouldn’t let himself, until he was safely alone in his room. He didn’t bring anything with him, so there was nothing keeping him here other than his own fragile heart. Swallowing roughly, he took a deep breath and forced a tight smile before braving facing Jihoon to at least say goodbye. “Thanks for letting me stay the night. It…it was really nice. I really like your family, Jihoonie. I’ll see you later this week, okay?” 

It felt like his feet were glued to the floor, and he knew he was lingering for too long to look settled in his choice. He thought of the text that was probably still open on his phone, saying if he couldn’t give Jihoon the world then to back off, and it forced his feet to move, turning away from that soft, beautiful man, and heading for the door.

The mood in the room changed so quickly that Jihoon didn’t know how to process it. For a moment, he was soft and warm and felt like this was what it was like to feel loved, but then Ryung was pulling away and getting up, and suddenly Jihoon felt cold and alone and like he’d done something wrong but he couldn’t remember what it was. Had he snored all night and kept Ryung awake? Did he have extremely terrible morning breath? He was trying to piece it together as Ryung told him that he should go and that he had to take care of his group, and Jihoon was confused, because wasn’t that why Ryung had stayed here last night? He had been looking for an escape, right, or at least that’s what he had told Jihoon before the man had asked to kiss him.

All at once it seemed to hit him like a lead brick in his chest. It was the kiss, wasn’t it? Ryung was regretting letting Jihoon kiss him, or maybe he had never really wanted it in the first place and he’d just done it to appease him because the man was going through a hard time. The fading smile on his face fell completely as he realised how stupid he’d been, thinking that Ryung might actually want to kiss him and spend time with him and maybe even be with him. Ryung was so beautiful and warm and kind, he had obviously just humoured Jihoon because of the situation, just like he had their last night of tour when they’d been drinking and Jihoon admitted he’d never been kissed. Ryung probably pitied him and that’s why he’d done all of these things, not because he had any feelings for him.

The bitter sting of hurt coursed through him, but Jihoon forced himself to nod and try to smile as he looked at Ryung. “Of course,” he said in a soft tone, trying to keep any sound of hurt out of it, because how dare he be hurt when Ryung had just been trying to be nice to him? The dancer had done so much for him, he should just appreciate what he’d had and not get upset about it, but it hurt Jihoon’s heart to know that he’d started to develop feelings for the man and realised that he might want more only to find out that he wasn’t wanted at all. “I know Sungho-hyung’s always going on about your rappers being a handful. You should go and help him.” Jihoon’s voice wavered as he spoke, but he forced the smile to stay on his face, even if he didn’t feel it at all.

Jihoon was far too aware that Ryung commented on his family, on the offer to stay, but mentioned nothing about their kisses or the moment they’d had. It was another stabbing reminder that this hadn’t been real, that it had just been Ryung’s way of being nice to him and taking care of him in his own way, and Jihoon couldn’t blame him. While he wouldn’t have been brave enough to be someone’s first kiss, if someone was hurting and they asked if they could kiss him, he’d probably be selfless enough to let it happen to appease them. Ryung was just being nice, and Jihoon was an absolute idiot for thinking otherwise.

“See you,” Jihoon said quietly, shifting to pull his knees to his chest as he sat on the couch and watched Ryung leave, managing to keep himself together until the door shut. As soon as he heard the latch click, his shoulder drooped and he dropped his head into his knees, letting out a rough sigh. He’d been so stupid and he hated himself for it, absolutely hated that for one small moment he thought Ryung might actually want to be with him as much as Jihoon wanted to be with him. He bit back the urge to cry, despite the hot sting of tears already at his eyes, because he wasn’t going to mourn a relationship that never was. If anything, Jihoon was going to break down over his own idiocy alone in the dorms, regretting that he’d ever asked Ryung if he could kiss him. He hated this, hated himself, and as he sat there in silence, the time ticking by, Jihoon wished, not for the first time, that he had a time machine to use so he could go back and stop himself from ever opening his big, stupid mouth.

[infin8gravity]

gravity-infin8​:

Ryung didn’t want the kiss to end, didn’t ever want it to end, but they were both breathless and panting by the time Jihoon pulled away that they clearly had to come up for air at some point. He hope that wouldn’t be the last one, and there were more kisses where that came from, because it felt like they stumbled upon something pretty amazing here. Ryung already knew he liked Jihoon since that night they slept together in his hotel room, but he thought it might just be a little crush. Then his feelings grew stronger, and now that they’ve kissed, Ryung could see how much they clicked. Something about this just felt right, and he wanted to see where it could go. Ryung was pretty sure he could easily fall in love with Jihoon. 

His eyes fluttered opened, breath hitching in his throat when his gaze met Jihoon’s. He was just so strikingly gorgeous that Ryung didn’t know how anyone could look away, let alone himself. Maybe, he was already a little in love with Jihoon. It felt similar to that time when he’d watch Haeil from afar, feeling like he was standing on the ledge of a cliff with no choice but to go over. Falling in love again should terrify him, considering how it ended for him last time, but as he looked into Jihoon’s eyes, he wasn’t scared. He was hopeful. It all felt new and exciting and just good. 

Ryung let out stuttered breath when Jihoon admitted he liked this. It shouldn’t be surprise since his leader asked to kiss him twice, but it still felt good to hear that he wasn’t the only one who felt this way. “Me too,” He whispered as he shifted to lay back down with Jihoon, placing his hand over the one that was resting on his chest, brushing his thumb over the knuckles. He smiled down at Jihoon, cheeks flushed as he resisted the urge to kiss him until he couldn’t breathe all over again. His quiet confession reminded him of an half-asleep Jihoon in his arms, murmuring that he wouldn’t mind if Ryung flirted with him. Back then, he didn’t think too much of it, figuring he was half-asleep and didn’t realize he was saying at the time. But maybe Jihoon also felt something for him too. 

“Yeah?” Ryung asked softly and squeezed his hand, “I think I’ll have to stay here more often then.” If staying in the Infin8 dorms meant a few hours of peace and snuggling and kissing Jihoon on the couch then Ryung wouldn’t think twice about saying goodbye to the Wav~ dorms. Obviously, he wouldn’t be able to stay away forever, but right now this was what he needed, not Kangdae asking him if he was his favorite maknae rapper again because he actually remembered him. “I want to do this again too,” Ryung added, so there was no room for doubts, and kissed his nose sweetly. 

They spent the rest of the night exactly like that, curled up together on the couch and exchanging soft kisses until Jihoon eventually fell asleep in his arms. His eyes were heavy with exhaustion, but he stayed a way for a little longer, tracing his fingers gently over the man’s features as he watched him sleep. Ryung wasn’t sleeping well these days, plagued with nightmares from the accident, so he wasn’t able to resist the urge to sleep for long, but when he finally closed his eyes, he felt his phone buzz in his pocket. Letting out an annoyed huff, he pulled it out of his pocket and frowned when he saw it was from an unknown number.

this is jisu. jihoonie told me you kissed him, and i just wanted to make sure you knew that if you ever hurt him, i’ll end you. 

my brother is stressed enough already, and deserves the world. if you can’t give him that then back off.

Jisu’s text managed to take a perfect night and taint it, sending Ryung’s heart to his stomach. He wasn’t actually afraid of Jihoonie’s twin. While, he was very sure he would follow through with his promise and cause him bodily harm if he ever hurt Jihoon, that threat wasn’t the part that bothered him. Jisu had a good point. Jihoon had so much to deal with already with Infin8. Their group made Wav~ look tame somedays, and one of their members was suffering from Amnesia, while his boyfriend’s heart was in pieces. On top of that, he had Bae-ah chasing after him like an excited puppy, and Jihoon already expressed how much he didn’t appreciate it. He didn’t need Ryung doing the same thing. Jihoon didn’t have time for Ryung’s too intense feelings. He just asked for a kiss, not for him to fall in love with him.

Ryung did his best to give everything to the people he cared about, he’d give until he had nothing left. Jihoon deserved so much more though, and he wasn’t sure if he was enough. He could try, but Jisu said if he couldn’t give his twin the world then to not even bother, and he wasn’t sure if he could. He pursed his lips and fought back the sting in his eyes. He did it again. He fell too fast, wanted too much, and it was going to slip through his fingers all over again. Maybe, he should fight harder and write Jisu’s text off as typical overprotective brother behavior, but he already knew he couldn’t. Fighting harder, ignoring his family’s wishes, when they were so lovely to him tonight, would only make it so much easier for Ryung to hurt him accidentally. 

Resided in his choice, he placed his phone on the floor beside him and wrapped his arm around Jihoon’s waist. He didn’t have the heart to leave him now, not after he so bravely asked if he could kiss him multiple times, but that peaceful sleepy feeling that was about to overtake him was gone. Still, he held Jihoon in his arms and closed his eyes, willing sleep to come, but he knew it wouldn’t. It was going to be another sleepless night.

The rest of the night felt like a dream come true. From the moment that Ryung assured him that he wanted to do this again and kissed his nose, Jihoon felt like he was enveloped in a warmth that he never wanted to leave. The rest of the night was like floating on a cloud, curled up in Ryung’s warmth and exchanging soft words and kisses with him until Jihoon began to drift off into a comfortable, dreamless sleep for the first time since the accident. He hadn’t even felt this relaxed when Jisu had come to stay the night with him, and that was his twin. This was uncharted territory for Jihoon, but it made him feel better than he ever had before, and he wanted to linger in this feeling forever.

Not only was his sleep free from nightmares, but it was actually good sleep. He woke up to the sun shining through the window of their dorms and almost instantly shifted into the warmth of the body pressed against his, still sleepy and happy to have actually managed to sleep through the night. It took Jihoon a few minutes to register where he was and why he wasn’t in his bed, but rather on the couch with someone, but once his brain began putting all the pieces together, he remembered the kisses and the touches and just how warm and loved he’d felt in the moment, and his heart started beating quicker in his chest as he looked up at Ryung.

The man was so beautiful. So breathtakingly beautiful. Jihoon wasn’t sure if it was just the way the sun was hitting him, illuminating his skin and making him even more breathtaking than usual, or if it was just the way that he was feeling, waking up in his arms, but he was pretty sure he was a little bit in love. He didn’t ever want this moment to end, didn’t want to break the silence and ruin the perfect bubble that they were in, but he also knew that he wanted to be fond and infatuated over Ryung to him rather than just in his head, and he also really needed to pee.

Jihoon shifted onto his side, curling into Ryung, and he couldn’t help the slow smile that spread across his lips as he looked at the man, heart fluttering in his chest as his sleep-mussed hair fell into his face. “Morning,” he said in a soft voice, shifting his hand to rest at the top of his chest, fingers lightly hooking into Ryung’s collarbones as he held onto him. “Did you sleep well? I did,” he admitted before flushing as he realised that was probably not the way to start a conversation with someone that he really, really just wanted to kiss again now that he was awake. His eyes flickered to Ryung’s soft, plush lips, and he was so tempted to lean in and just kiss him without asking permission this time, but the only thing that was holding him back was the knowledge that he had morning breath and it was definitely off-putting to him, so it’d likely be off-putting to the dancer as well. “Do you want breakfast? I can make something, or we can order.”

Jihoon wanted to tell Ryung about how glad he was to wake up in his arms, how excited he’d been to wake up knowing that he didn’t have any nightmares and that instead he felt like he was the most cared about person in the world, but that was too much to put into this quiet moment, and the last thing Jihoon wanted to do was scare Ryung away with how fast and big his feelings had grown. They were still in a group together, after all. If things didn’t work out, they’d have to see each other all the time and deal with it in whatever way they could, and that thought prodded at the back of Jihoon’s mind as he kept himself quiet, just smiling at the man instead of letting the words that he wanted to say escape his lips.

[infin8gravity]

gravity-infin8​:

Misun’s face fell in response to Moontae’s question about their non-existent relationships, guilt causing his stomach to sink. It was really unfair that they were all telling Moon-hyung how to handle his situation when none of them were in relationships. And It was easy to take a logical standpoint when they didn’t have any real emotional connection in this. They all cared about Daeshim, but Moon-hyung was in love with him. His heart was on the line, and if his boyfriend didn’t react well to the news, even though Misun still didn’t believe that was possible, then he was going to be devastated. Misun knew he should apologize for helping put his hyung in this, but then his priorities shifted.

“I like his mullet,” Misun defended Evan quietly, avoiding the other’s gaze as he stared fixedly at his hands. It wasn’t at all the point of the conversation, but Misun felt like it was important for him to know that someone appreciated his hair. Daeshim fawned over it, but once he got his memories came back, he would probably regret he ever said it, because he was very vocal about how stupid he thought it looked. It was so selfish, but he wanted Dae-hyung to know the truth so he wouldn’t keep flirting with Evan. Misun already dealt with his conflicted feelings over that two years, he didn’t want to go through it again. If he felt this way when he wasn’t dating Evan, he didn’t know how Moontae could stand it. 

By the end of Moontae’s explanation, Misun was scooting over and plastering himself to his side without the cast, unable to hear him sound so sad anymore and doing nothing about it. He wrapped an arm around his shoulders and gently tugged him in for a one-sided hug, just holding him as Evan took a turn. Misun found himself agreeing with Evan too. Both sides had valid points, and obviously both scenarios had their pro’s and con’s. Dae-hyung deserved to know the truth, but the truth could end their relationship. He got why Moontae was losing sleep. 

“I think no matter what kind of love it is, all versions of Dae-hyung loves you,” Misun murmured into Moontae’s hair and hugged him a little tighter, careful not to jostle his broken arm. 

Taeho could see this was quickly turning into everyone vs Moontae, and that wasn’t what their rapper needed his first day back. He didn’t use his authority often, but this was one situation he was willing to step into. Like everyone else, Taeho also thought Moontae should tell Daeshim the truth, but his dongsaeng was also going through a lot right now and had to protect his heart. He thought he was allowed to have some more time to process this before he had to make any big decisions. It wasn’t the best way to treat Daeshim, but he didn’t know any better, so he could handle some more time oblivious to the situation. 

Stepping forward, he laid a hand on Yuanjun’s shoulder before he could jump in with anymore comments. His gaze landed on Misun hugging Moontae and thought he had the right idea right about now. “Okay, I think that’s enough for tonight, Yuan-hyung,” He announced and held up a hand when he opened his mouth to protest. “The leader is speaking now. Silence, please. Moon-ah just got back, and he’s had a really bad few weeks. How about instead of a group intervention, we have a group hug? He’s hurt and needs his hyungs and dongsaengs to comfort him, not tell him what to do,” He patted his hyung’s shoulder before stepping around the couch and leaning over to hug Moontae from behind, resting his chin on top of his head. 

“We can all come up with a way to help Dae-ah in the morning, but you need sleep,” He murmured and kissed the top of his head. Taeho didn’t think they needed to go wake up Daeshim and tell him that his roommate was actually his boyfriend of two years, but he also wouldn’t just sit idly by and let him forget everything from the past few years. There had to be a way to gently start putting ideas into his head. 

“Yuanjun, come hug your dongsaeng or else,” He threatened the Chinese man when he didn’t leave his spot. 

Yuanjun shook his head slowly as Moontae spoke, just unwilling to accept any scenario where Daeshim and Moontae didn’t belong together. As much as they might’ve not wanted to sometimes, they all saw it. They were each other’s people. Maybe Moontae was willing to be the martyr and accept a future where they were just best friend’s, but he wouldn’t. His dongsaengs deserved the future they always talked about–being together forever. Daeshim’s memory loss didn’t have to be permanent. They could help him. But letting him believe a lie wouldn’t help him.

He was ready to bring up more studies when Evan jumped in, and he forced himself to stay quiet. While Misun and Evan were more gentle about it, they all seemed to be on the same page. They all agreed that the best solution was to tell Daeshim instead of letting him live in ignorance. It was only Moontae who couldn’t seem to get on board with it. Yuanjun knew he was afraid to lose Daeshim entirely if he told him, but he just couldn’t see that happening. Like Misun said, he just didn’t think there was any part of Daeshim that would just let Moontae go. 

Yuanjun wasn’t the best with feelings, he was much more comfortable dealing with facts, but those didn’t seem to be working. He was about to express that he didn’t want to see Moontae in so much pain when Taeho finally remembered he was the actual leader and stepped in–to initiate a group hug of course. He stood still as their leader went to hug Moontae, taking in his dark circles and red-rimmed eyes. He wasn’t ready to let the subject die, but keeping Moontae up when he clearly needed sleep wouldn’t help anyone, so he reluctantly nodded in agreement. 

He sighed at Taeho’s empty threat and crossed the room, sitting on the floor by Moontae’s feet and rubbing his knee. “I’m not trying to hurt you, Moon-ah,” Yuanjun whispered when he felt like it was safe to speak, “I just want to help you get Dae-ah back.”

Moontae was starting to hit the point where he regretted coming home. He knew that his Vi3e hyungs and dongsaengs only had his best interests in mind, but the last thing that he wanted was to come home to this, and if he had somewhere else to stay where he could safely keep an eye on Daeshim, he would be tempted to pick up and move out. The Infin8 dorms were an option, but considering the fact that Daeshim didn’t remember their hyungs, Moontae wasn’t going to uproot them just so he could avoid this conversation that quickly felt like it was turning into an attack. He knew his family meant well; they were his brothers and always protected him. It was all just getting to be too much for the rapper.

Before he could start snapping at anyone who dared to speak like he wanted to, Misun was pressed against his side and comforting him, and all the frustration in him faded with that touch. He practically collapsed into his touch, leaning against Misun for comfort as he let out a soft sigh, and the hard edge he’d been building around him broke into something weak and desperate for his family to just love him in that moment, not lecture him. Taeho followed suit, with the suggestion of a hug instead of an intervention, and Moontae was half-glad that it seemed that a majority of his group had disappeared after he’d got Daeshim settled, because if all ten of his brothers hugged him right now, he was going to start sobbing and he did not have it in him to cry right now.

Tears still prickled at his eyes as Taeho hugged him from behind, and he felt Evan shift back to where he’d been sitting on the arm of the chair, a warmth pressed to his other side as he rested his arm across Taeho’s back. He closed his eyes, soaking up the warmth and comfort that he was receiving, until he felt a hand on his knee, and Moontae opened his eyes again to look at Yuanjun awkwardly sitting on the floor by his feet. “I know,” he breathed out in a soft voice, shifting his foot so he could lightly tap Yuanjun’s thigh in reassurance. He didn’t add to the sentence, knowing that all of Vi3e knew how badly he wanted Daeshim back and that he didn’t have to voice it. He would do nearly anything at this point to get his boyfriend’s memories back to him, but despite the desire, he was still terrified of all the things that could go wrong.

Moontae swallowed thickly, feeling the sting of tears in his eyes once again, but for once it wasn’t from being absolutely destroyed over the situation they’d found themselves in. Instead, the desire to cry was from how much love he felt from his found family. Moontae wouldn’t trade his boys for anything, and he had told them as much time and time again, especially when they’d all been through the chaos that was him losing his blood family because of his love for Daeshim. He wanted to say it once again now, but he couldn’t get the words out without crying, and he really, really did not want to cry tonight, so he let himself just soak up the warmth for a little while longer before he placed a gentle hand on the one Yuanjun had on his knee and worked his way to untangle himself from the cluster that was hugging him.

“Thank you,” he mumbled, the words sounding weak because he knew they didn’t accurately convey just how much he’d needed this. He wanted to tell them all how much he loved them, how he felt loved and cared for because of his hyungs and dongsaengs, how they were the family he’d never really had but always wanted, but that was too much for him right now. He was exhausted, and his eyes and head hurt from the lack of sleep and just existing the past few days. “Can we talk about this some other time?” he asked in a soft voice, not really giving the rest of them a chance to answer as he stood from the chair, stretching out the tense muscles in his back before turning to look at them. “I’m so tired, I just want to sleep in my bed.”

Moontae knew that as soon as he walked into the room and saw Daeshim asleep in his half of their bed, he’d be sad again, mournful over their relationship that was dangling by broken strings and Moontae’s attempt at easing his confused brain by keeping his distance, but that wasn’t something he could change right now. “I love you all,” he said quietly, forcing a small but genuine smile onto his lips. He reached down and pressing a light hand to Yuanjun’s head before he reached out and touched Misun’s hand, and then Evan’s, and finally came over to Taeho and lightly touched his back. “Goodnight,” he mumbled. Even though it was still early, and Moontae likely wouldn’t sleep once he was curled up in the bed, he made his way back to the room, feeling both the best and worst he’d had in weeks now that he was back with his family who were just as worried for him as they were for Daeshim.

[infin8gravity]

gravity-infin8​:

When Jihoon admitted he’s never been kissed during their game Never Have I Ever, Ryung just knew he wanted to be his first. It wasn’t that he thought he deserved it or thought it belonged to him just because he liked Jihoon so much. But after what Hyeonie said about first kisses being special, Ryung wanted Jihoon to have that, and he knew he could make it as special as possible even in a room full of their drunken group-mates. 

Unlike Jihoon, Ryung had a lot of experience, but none of his firsts were romantic. His first kiss was during a game of spin the bottle he and his fellow trainees played, and his first time having sex was just an emotionless hookup. He sacrificed all his firsts out of a desperation to feel a little less lonely and a little more wanted. He wanted more for Jihoon. He wanted his first kiss to be sweet and gentle and with someone who cared so much about him they’d do absolutely anything for him. So, Ryung volunteered before someone like Youngjae could do it and then drunkenly slobber all over their leader. Ryung didn’t expect that when their lips tentatively met that it would feel like his own first kiss too. For the first time, he experienced what people wrote love stories about, the mix of nerves and anticipation, the butterflies, and the sheer euphoria.

As Jihoon’s lips hovered over his, he knew it would feel like that again. He didn’t have to kiss him again to know it wasn’t a one time thing. Knowing still didn’t prepare him for the rush of warmth when their lips finally slid together after a few attempts to find the right angle. Ryung’s eyes fluttered shut as he let out a sigh against his lips, his hand shifting from his chin to rest along his jaw. It was probably the most light and gentle kiss he ever received, but it did more for him than any other kiss he shared, even the hot and heavy ones. Kissing Jihoon was even better sober, when he could memorize the exact texture and taste of lips and replay this memory down to the littlest detail. 

When Jihoon pulled back, Ryung felt like he needed to catch his breath even though the kiss was so gentle. He was just so taken by everything that was Jihoon. He let out a breathless laugh against his lips, his heart feeling too big for his chest. Jihoon wanted more kisses from him, which hopefully meant this was something they could do so often that Jihoon wouldn’t feel the need to ask permission each time, though Ryung did find it incredibly sweet. Instead of answering verbally, he cupped Jihoon’s cheeks with both hands and pulled him in for another kiss, this one a little deeper and firmer, but still so careful. He wanted to feel him, but he didn’t want to push him. 

Ryung hummed happily against his lips, thumb brushing against the soft skin of his cheek as his other hand tucked his silky hair behind his ear. He tentatively moved their lips together, trying to show Jihoon what it was like to let a kiss linger. He was so lost in the moment and in Jihoon that he didn’t hear one of the bedroom doors creak open, holding for a beat, before it quietly clicked shut. 

Jihoon wasn’t sure exactly how to describe what feeling right now, but he knew that it was probably one of the best emotions that he’d ever had in his life. It was better than getting the present he’d been asking for for months on his birthday, or that feeling that had hit him hard whenever their album had topped the charts and he actually felt like he was a success after years of feeling like he was still struggling to actually be a decent idol. This was on an entirely different level of emotions, and now that Jihoon had experienced them, he didn’t want to let them go. If this was what it was like to feel things about someone, Jihoon didn’t want it to ever stop.

He knew it was stupid, that asking if he could kiss Ryung again after already kissing him once was just an idiotic question, but he was nervous, and when he was nervous he tended to do dumb things like ask if could keep kissing the man that he liked whom he’d already kissed in the last minute. Jihoon’s gaze searched Ryung’s as the man laughed, and he wasn’t sure if he was laughing at how ridiculous the question was or how ridiculous he was. Either way, a soft flush of embarrassment hit his cheeks and Jihoon was about to apologise - or he would’ve, if Ryung didn’t take his face in his hands and kiss him again.

Jihoon fell into the kiss just as easily as the first one, and while he was still a bundle of nerves, this one went a little bit smoother. He didn’t find himself fumbling for the correct way of lining their lips up, and he didn’t feel as much like he was doing a bad job of trying to kiss Ryung. He shifted, pressing a hand into the couch to steady himself as he leaned down into the man’s soft touches and followed Ryung’s lead, his eyes fluttering shut again as his heart beat softly, warmly, in his chest.

He might’ve noticed the sound of a door opening and closing if it weren’t for the fact that his heart was pounding so loud that he could hear it echo in his ears, but it wasn’t in that way that made Jihoon nervous and antsy. This was something soft, something gentle and familiar despite being an unfamiliar situation for the man. He lingered in the kiss, lips slowly moving against Ryung’s as he got used to the feeling of kissing. He liked this; he liked this so much. Jihoon didn’t want to stop kissing Ryung, but he only had so much air in his lungs and he was still new to this, so he pulled away reluctantly and took a moment to catch his breath, eyes opening to drink in every inch of Ryung’s beautiful face, a soft warmth bubbling in his chest. Was this what love felt like? Jihoon didn’t know, but he thought he wanted to.

Can we do this all the time? The words were on the tip of his tongue, but as much as he wanted to ask Ryung if he could spend the rest of their days together kissing, he had already been bold in more ways than one, and he was going to just soak up what he had while he had it. “I really like this,” he admitted softly, finally shifting so that he was laying down on the couch next to Ryung, his hand moving from where he was gripping to Ryung’s shirt to rest on his chest, feeling the warm skin beneath as he tilted his head to look up at the man. “I wouldn’t mind...doing this more often...” Jihoon’s voice was soft as he spoke, a nervous energy emanating from his words as he spoke, because he was painfully nervous at admitting how much he wanted more of this, more of Ryung. The dancer had already been his first kiss, if he was his first, well, everything, Jihoon wouldn’t mind that either.

[infin8gravity]

gravity-infin8​:

“Yah, I said no such thing,” Ryung laughed softly, feeling so, so fond. It was so good to hear Jihoon laugh again. He had to resist the urge to press his hand against his chest to try and calm his racing heart. It took him surprise how quickly he felt so strongly towards his leader. 

Ever since that quiet night they had in the hotel room, when Ryung pampered him and Jihoon quietly translated Charlie and the Chocolate Factory for him, before they finally fell asleep in each other’s arms, he couldn’t stop thinking about him. Whenever they were in the same room, Ryung found his gaze going to him like metal to a magnet, taking in his growing, silky hair, gorgeous eyes, and pouty lips. Not only was Jihoon breathtakingly pretty, but he was so talented. Ryung would watch him in the mirror during dance practice, and close his eyes and just listen to his solos during live performances. And he was a good leader, as good as he could be given the members they had. All of it made Ryung so fucking whipped for him in a way that scared him.

As Jihoon walked back to the kitchen, Ryung closed his eyes and just let himself feel it for a minute. As much as he hated it, he wore his heart on his sleeve. He felt things too deeply, fell for people too hard, and had to swallow down the pain when it didn’t work out for him. He didn’t want to fall into the same pattern with Jihoon, like he did with Haeil. There were already enough differences to reassure him that he couldn’t. Ryung was young and stupid, and fell in love with another boy who didn’t feel the same way and wasn’t even gay, and then he had to pick up the pieces of his own shattered heart when he got a girlfriend. He wasn’t young and stupid anymore, and Jihoon wasn’t straight or taken, but he was still his leader with too much on his plate to deal with Ryung’s crush.

Ryung was so lost in thought that he didn’t hear Jihoon come back until he announced that he was done. His eyes fluttered opened and it was like all those worries and fears he was just feeling a minute ago faded away. He knew he’d let Jihoon break his heart if it meant Ryung just got to be around him. “Good, sit,” Ryung grinned and patted the spot next to him again, hoping his voice didn’t reveal how gone for him he was. His fingers twitched as Jihoon sat down, wanting to hold his hand or lift his fingers to card them through his hair, but he stubbornly kept them at his sides. 

His brows furrowed in confusion as Jihoon suddenly tangled his fingers in his shirt, looking nervous. Ryung immediately went into umma mode, worried that Jihoon was upset about something that he wanted to ask him about. He couldn’t blame him. There was a lot to be upset about right now. “Of course, Jihoonie,” Ryung whispered reassuringly, and rested a hand over the one gripping onto his shirt. He didn’t know what he expected his dongsaeng to ask, maybe something about DaeDae-ah or his leadership duties, but he definitely wasn’t expecting he’d ask to kiss him. It made his breath hitch in his throat as his stomach fluttered with nerves and anticipation. 

Ryung wanted to kiss him again ever since they shared that tentative, slightly drunken kiss in their hotel room, but then the accident happened, and there just wasn’t a good opportunity to bring it up. It was just the two of them in the living area, and Youngjae was locked away in his room, so now was the perfect opportunity apparently. Cheeks flushed, he pushed himself up so their faces were only a few inches apart and gently cupped Jihoon’s chin, angling his face to meet his gaze.

“Yes,” He whispered, unable to stop the bright smile from forming on his lips, “I’d like that.” He swallowed roughly and tentatively leaned in, reminding him of that night when he volunteered to be Jihoon’s first kiss and tried to be as careful as possible with him. He just wanted to treat Jihoonie as gently and as lovingly as he deserved.

Even though it had been moments since Jihoon asked his question, he felt like he was going to crash apart from the nerves as he waited for Ryung to reply. It was such a small question, but it held so many potential changes. Since that night in the hotel room, when Ryung had come over and pressed his lips against his, Jihoon hadn’t been able to stop thinking about how nice it had been to be kissed, to feel like someone wanted him and that he actually belonged. Jihoon found himself trembling a bit under Ryung’s touch to his hand, and he didn’t know if it was from nerves of being rejected by his hyung or anticipation that he might be able to kiss him sober and actually soak up every detail this time without the blurred lines of alcohol tainting it.

When Ryung shifted, Jihoon’s eyes widened, and he went deadly still as Ryung got closer to him and his hand touched his face. Ryung’s touch was so warm, so soft, and Jihoon couldn’t help but find himself leaning into it, letting Ryung manoeuvre him until he was looking at him. It wasn’t until their eyes met that Jihoon realised how hard his heart was pounding in his chest, and how Ryung’s smile stole the breath from his lungs. He looked so happy, and Jihoon couldn’t believe that this was actually happening. He’d never seen anyone look so happy to look at him, not like this at least.

“Okay,” he breathed out, just barely managing the word as Ryung leaned up to meet him from where he was sitting, hovering over him. His hand was still twisted tight in Ryung’s shirt, holding onto it like a lifeline, and Jihoon felt the butterflies in his stomach growing with every passing moment as he shifted his head, angling it so that he could softly press his lips against Ryung’s.

It took him a moment to get the angle right, slowly adjusting the way their lips pressed together, but once their lips slid into place, a soft humming noise of approval echoed in the back of his throat. Jihoon’s eyes fluttered shut, nose brushing against Ryung’s as he kissed him slowly, enjoying the warm tingling feeling that spread through his body as he kissed the dancer. Jihoon had only felt like this a few times before, usually in situations where they had won awards for their songs or broke new records with their album releases, but those had always been a bright, bold fire of a feeling that sparked within him. This was soft, like his body was slowly warming up from the cold against a crackling flame, and Jihoon understood why people liked kissing each other so much. It was addictive, especially with a person like Ryung, who made his heart race whenever he looked at him lately.

Jihoon pulled back, just barely, and his lips still brushed against Ryung’s as his eyes fluttered open just enough to see the man. “Can I do it again?” he asked in a soft voice, swallowing back the and again and again that had lodged itself in his throat. He hadn’t realised until now just how much he wanted to kiss Ryung again and again, especially now that he could commit the entire thing to memory. His first kiss had been special, like a fireworks show that set him ablaze, but this was equally as special to him, and Jihoon wanted the moment to last as long as it possibly could.

[infin8gravity]

gravity-infin8​:

Ryung didn’t realize how much he missed his Infin8 members until they were all in the same room again. He loved his Wav~ dongsaengs, but they didn’t understand what he and Sung-hyung were going through right now, and it was hard for him to go back to back to his umma role and pretend like everything was okay when it wasn’t. He was worried about his maknae rappers, whether DaeDae-ah was healing okay and if Moon-ah was sleeping. He was worried about Jaesangie and Bae-ah returning to their group and hoped their leader was taking good care of them. And he was worried about Jihoonie, who only had Young-hyung here with him, and Ryung didn’t trust that their vocalist was doing anything to help their leader not carry all of this on his shoulders. So, when Ryung got an invitation to come to the Infin8 dorms to eat Jihoon’s umma’s homecooked food, he didn’t hesitate before agreeing to go. 

He couldn’t help but expect the worse of tonight, considering the last time everyone was in the same room was at the airport, where they were all physically and emotionally drained. Daeshim’s eyes were so bloodshot and bruised that Ryung was terrified he wouldn’t even make it through the car ride to his parent’s house. Despite his fear though, it was surprisingly amazing. The night wasn’t perfect, Daeshim still looked at them all like they were strangers and Moontae’s face would fall anytime he thought no one was looking, but being together with all that incredible food was still lovely. 

Jihoonie had such a nice family that Ryung already loved them as a whole. He never saw Jihoon and his twin in the same room before, but it wasn’t as jarring as he thought it’d be. Jisu and Jihoon looked like they were incredibly close, even though they didn’t spend a lot of time together. They were always in each other’s space and having silent conversations. They were obviously identical, but even if Jisu didn’t have such wild hair, Ryung could still easily see their differences. Jisu was more severe and sharp, while everything about Jihoon was so soft in a way that made Ryung’s heart pound every time he looked at him. And their umma was everything an umma should be, loving, kind, and determined to feed them until they were ready to burst. She treated all of them like they were her sons, and it made Ryung ache. It was nice to pretend for the night that this was his–that he wasn’t an only child with a single father who barely looked at him. 

When everyone started to filter out of the dorm, Ryung stayed on the couch, where he collapsed after dinner, too full to stand. He should’ve probably left with Sung-hyung to help with whatever was going on at the Wav~ dorms, but he wasn’t ready to leave his little peaceful bubble, still basking in the afterglow of family and food. He closed his eyes and listened to Jihoon shuffle around the kitchen as he cleaned up. It was such a nice break from his chaotic dorms. He couldn’t remember the last time he was able to rest on the couch without Kangdae sitting on top of him or someone nearly setting something on fire in the kitchen. He had a bedroom here he rarely used, and he wondered if he should change that. 

Ryung’s eyes blinked open when he heard Jihoon’s voice, not realizing that he wasn’t in the kitchen anymore. He gave their leader a soft, sleepy smile, his heart stuttering in his chest at the sight of him. He looked so happy and relaxed for the first time in ages, it made Ryung feel warm. It was a silly thing to think about when their maknae was suffering from a brain injury, but there were so many times since that night before the accident that Ryung wondered what Jihoon thought about their kiss. They were pretty tipsy, but he remembered all of it, and every time he thought about Jihoon’s hesitant, soft lips against his, he felt butterflies erupt in his stomach. He hadn’t felt like that since…well, since Haeil. He just hoped Jihoon didn’t regret Ryung stealing his first kiss like that.

“It’s so quiet here,” Ryung murmured with small, tired laugh. “I thought I’d stay here if that’s okay with you. Don’t tell anyone, but I need a break from the Wav~ dorms,” He admitted. Peering up at Jihoon, he shifted towards the back of the couch and patted the small space beside him. “Come lay down, Jihoonie. If I’m this tired then you must be exhausted,” He invited his leader with a timid smile, trying not to let his nerves show. 

Jihoon couldn’t help the soft smile that spread across his lips as Ryung admitted that he was enjoying the quiet and that he wanted to stay there for a while. It was refreshing to hear. More often than not, Jihoon found the quiet of their dorms to be deafening, almost maddening, but he was starting to learn that was due to the fact that he had grown so used to being surrounded by Infin8, that going days on end without them hit harder than it used to. He used to love being able to shut himself in a room and be by himself for hours and hours on end, but the more he had grown to think of Infin8 as his found family, the more Jihoon realised that he found himself missing them. Even though they were in the same building, just on different floors, he felt lonely. He wouldn’t tell them that, though. If Baekyung knew, he’d never get him off his back, and once Daeshim was back to normal, he and Moontae would be cornering him every step of the way to remind him they were around. It would be more exhausting than living in his current state of denial and just appreciating their presence wehnever they were at the dorms. 

“Don’t worry,” he said in a soft voice. “I’ll take your secret to my grave. The Wav~ dongsaengs will never know how you life Infin8 better.” Jihoon laughed at his own teasing joke, shifting his grip on the cups so he held them better. “Let me put these in the kitchen, and I’ll join you,” he said after a moment, his voice soft, and he forced himself not to look at Ryung as he did so out of worry that the dancer’s beautiful face would draw him in and he wouldn’t get what he needed to done.

Jihoon disappeared for a moment as he took the cups to the sink and set them down, putting a small splash of water in each to keep the sticky residue at the bottom from forming anything too difficult to remove. He had half a mind to go knock on Youngjae’s door and tell him that since his umma fed them, it was Youngjae’s turn to do the dishes. Jihoon wiped that thought from his head pretty quickly as he realised that it’d ruin the quiet moment that he was sharing with Ryung. As much as he didn’t want to be the one left to do all the dishes, He wanted Youngjae teasing himself and Ryung for snuggling up on the couch even less. Jihoon spared a glance towards the singer’s door before he shook his head and made his way back to where Ryung was waiting for him on the couch.

“That’s done,” he announced in a soft tone as he walked back into the living area, his gaze falling to Ryung again, and as he looked at the dancer, his heart fluttered in his chest. He couldn’t believe that he got to know someone as beautiful and good to him as Ryung was. It made Jihoon want to softly sing his praises and tell him how he wanted to spend time with him as possible, but it also made him thnk about the fact that a few short weeks ago, they had kissed each other, and how Jihoon really wanted to do that again. His gaze shifted to Ryung’s soft, pillowy lips, and he remembered exactly how they felt against his own. In fact, he’d memorised the feeling, just in case he’d never get to experience it again.

A soft flush of red spread across Jihoon’s cheeks as he sat down, looking down at Ryung who was laying quietly beside him. If they were a couple, this would’ve been the perfect time to kiss him soft and sweet, so that he knew just how much Jihoon cared for him, but he was nervous and afraid that their drunken kiss had been just that, a drunken moment not worth repeating. Still, if he was going to find out the answer, he might as well do it now. No one else was there to mock him if things went wrong, and Ryung was sleepy, so maybe he’d just think it was part of a dream if things went bad. Jihoon shifted on the couch, hoping that if he was bolder than he normally was, it might pay off, so he opened his mouth to say something, closed it, and proceeded to just quietly be with Ryung.

Still, that wasn’t enough. Jihoon wanted to be with Ryung in more ways than one. He wanted to be his friend, his dongsaeng, his family, and maybe something more than that. He just had to find out if Ryung wanted that too. He had been about to shift to lay down on the couch with Ryung and snuggle up with him, but then something overtook him and Jihoon found himself reaching out and quietly twisting his fingers into The man’s shirt. “Ryung-hyung?” he said in a soft voicd. “Can I....ask you a question?” Jihoon hesitated to actually voice his words into the air, not because he didn’t know how to say them, but because he was nervous. He’d only ever been kissed once so far, and Ryung had done the kissing. What if Ryung agreed to kiss him but then Jihoon did so bad of a job that he never wanted to do it again? Jihoon lightly tugged on the fabric of Ryung’s shirt, part of the nervous tic that he did whenever he was in an uncomfortable situation. His cheeks heated again, a hotter flush spreading across them, end he forced himself to speak. “Can I....can I...k-kiss you...?”

The words came out in a soft, jumbled mess, and as soon as Jihoon had spoken he realised how bad of an idea it was to go around asking groupmates if he could kiss them. God, was he starting to sound annoying like Kaimen? Maybe that’s why Baekhyung wouldn’t leave him alone. He flushed a bit deeper, looking down at his hands in his lap to avoid Ryung’s gaze as he spoke, suddenly very interested with the seams on his shirt to avoid a negative answer.

[infin8gravity]

let me love you | jihoon & ryung

Today had been a good day, probably one of the best that Jihoon had had in a long time. HIs umma had come to their dorms and surprised him with piles upon piles of homemade goods, which had prompted Jihoon to invite all of his Infin8 members to come and spend time with him, meet his umma, and eat her delicious goods.  He had even let Moontae and Daeshim meet his umma, since an amnesiac-Daeshim was kind and respectful, unlike his maknae’s normal state. He knew that he would likely regret that when he was back to normal and his umma asked where her sweet baby boy was while Daeshim and Moontae were tearing their way up through everything Infin8 ever did again. For now, though, he was happy, full, and for once, not feeling bone-tired.

The others had slowly dwindled their way back to their dorms, Daeshim first because of his pain, with Moontae safely trailing behind him. He knew Baekyung was going to get a ride back to the Gravity place with Jisu, and Jihoon couldn’t help but amusedly wonder if Baekyung would make it back there alive or gagged, knocked out, and stuffed in the trunk. Sungho had disappeared to likely handle a Wav~ disaster, or maybe just their rappers’ chaos. Apparently they were nearly on the same level as their Infin8 dongsaengs, and Jihoon had found himself holding a lot more respect for the Wav~ leader as they shared horror stories with each other about the chaos they’d endured in their leader positions. Youngjae, as per usual, was absent. He recalled seeing him earlier when the food was out, but his umma did not bring alcohol, so there was no reason for him to stay. Jihoon didn’t even know if he was still in the dorm or not since he’d lost track of him somewhere around his second plate of food and soft laughter as he retold the story about how Kwangjo-hyung had accidentally shaved off an eyebrow once during his times in 5Alive.

Now, the dorms were quiet, and he was cleaning up from the aftermath of their fun evening together. His umma had tried to help, nearly insisted on staying until everything was back in tiptop shape, but Jihoon wouldn’t let her do that. It was late, and he didn’t want her having any trouble getting home, so he reminded her that they were all adults who could take care of things, and whatever was left outstanding, they’d ask their Ahjumma who took care of their dorm to help clean up. He’d just taken care of a small stack of dishes and came back to the living area to clean up any lingering pieces when he spotted Ryung on the couch, looking soft and sleepy. His heart pounded in his chest as he remembered their kiss that they’d shared on the last night of tour, and he found himself watching the man for a moment as he wondered idly what it’d be like if they did that again -- and again and again.

“I didn’t realise you were still here,” Jihoon said in a soft voice as he looked at Ryung, a smile crossing his lips as he tucked the longer hair on the back of his head behind his ear. “It was so quiet, I thought everyone had gone.” Jihoon stepped over, collecting the last few cups that were left on the table, his focus solely on the man in front of him and not the dishware in his hands. “I’m surprised your Wav~ dongsaengs haven’t come to hunt you down by now, since you’ve been gone for so long.”

[infin8gravity]

gravity-infin8​:

Misun didn’t meant to get involved in his hyung’s intervention, even if he did have some strong feelings during their reunion, he was just already sitting on the couch when everyone crowded around him. He didn’t move when Ohseong started the conversation, because he was pulled into a hug that Misun automatically leaned into without thinking. Ohseongie had such a simple way of phrasing it that Misun had to let out a hum of agreement. When Yuanjun said his piece though, it was anything but simple. 

He knew Yuan-hyung was just trying to look out for his dongsaengs, but he had such an intense way of doing anything that it sometimes seemed more like he was trying to prove everyone wrong. And of course he had to bring up the fact that Daeshim got all flustered and giggly around Evan-ah like he was eighteen again, causing him to squirm uncomfortably in his seat and avert his gaze to his feet. He knew Evan wasn’t going to pursue Moontae’s boyfriend, but it still made his stomach hurt, especially when his hyung didn’t do anything to stop it. 

Misun was sure there was some helpful information in those articles Yuanjun printed, but Moontae didn’t need cold, emotionless research to tell him how to treat his boyfriend. He needed their support and understanding. Misun reached over to give Moon-hyung’s good shoulder a squeeze, rubbing it in an attempt to comfort him. He understood why he was choosing to pretend like they weren’t dating over telling him. He also saw the look on Dae-hyung’s face when he realized he didn’t remember Soo-ah, and it would be so much worse if he learned he forgot his relationship. Still, Misun thought that was better than Daeshim getting his memories back and realizing Moontae lied to him the whole time. 

“Moon-hyung,” Misun piped up quietly before Yuanjun could start citing his sources, “I don’t think there was ever a time when Dae-hyung didn’t have feelings for you. Didn’t you say you’ve liked him since you were trainees? What if he has a crush on you right now and he thinks you aren’t interested?” Misun asked worriedly. He tried to remember if Daeshim ever told him when he first developed feelings for Moontae, but he couldn’t. He mostly kept his crush to himself until they kissed, and then he wouldn’t shut up about it.

Yuanjun stood there and frowned as he let Moon-ah and Misunie talk, trying to be patient and let them have their turns. He had very little experience with love, but he still understood why Moontae didn’t want to upset Daeshim further. He wished differently, but he wasn’t there when Dae-ah woke up in the hospital, and he didn’t see how devastated he was when he had to meet Infin8 all over again, but he did see his reaction to Moonsoo, and it must not be easy for Moontae to see that and imagine the same one directed towards him. But he was pretty sure Daeshim would feel better once he and Moonsoo started talking again and rebuilt their relationship. Just because he didn’t remember him right now didn’t mean he never would, and even if he didn’t, it didn’t mean they couldn’t be best friends again. 

He nodded along with Misun, because he made a good point. Unless someone actually talked to Daeshim about it, none of them knew exactly when his crush on Moontae started, but their two year anniversary was coming up, so Yuanjun was sure he must’ve felt something by whatever time his brain was currently in. In that moment, he had an idea that he wouldn’t dare share with Moontae right now–to share all those videos fans made of their relationship with Dae-ah. It wouldn’t technically break his promise not to tell him. All Daeshim had to do was search his own name on YouTube and it would be one of the top results, which Yuanjun was sure he was going to do, while trying to play catch-up.

“Right, exactly,” He pointed to Misunie with a nod, “If he likes you, and you’re acting the way you are then who knows what scenarios he’s going to come up with to try and fill in the missing pieces of his memory? What if he thinks he’s liked you this whole time and you still aren’t together?” Yuanjun asked with a raised brow. “Look, Moon-ah, I know you don’t want to shock him or upset him. I don’t either, but if you tell him then he’d eventually start to cope with it. Then you could share things with him to help him remember. I’m worried that if you keep him in the dark, it’ll only prolong his memory loss.”

Moontae was starting to feel less like this was just a conversation and more like a demand from his family to get his shit together and just tell Daeshim, but they didn’t get it. They had all been there, very blatantly part of their relationship for the past two years, but they weren’t actually part of it themselves. They didn’t know how terrifying it felt to know that saying the wrong thing -- telling Daeshim too much about their relationship -- could end up ruining it forever. He knew that his group was trying to help him, that Ohseong’s words had been brief but a kind way of phrasing it, that Misun’s attempts at rationalising things were done out of a caring heart, and that Yuanjun’s exhausting facts and data came from a place of kindness and worry, but none of those things could beat out the pure terror that he felt at hurting Daeshim, or worse, losing him forever. If things had to be like this, if he had to suffer as Daeshim’s friend and not his boyfriend in order to keep him around, then Moontae would do it.

He was quiet as Yuanjun spoke, and a small part of him knew that his hyung was right, that he should tell him now before things got out of hand, but it wasn’t that easy. Nothing was that easy anymore. It wasn’t simply telling someone you had a crush on you liked them. This was Daeshim, this was the man he loved and wanted to spend the rest of his life with, and if it went even slightly wrong, Moontae wasn’t sure he’d be able to live with himself. He shifted, pulling a knee up to his chest as he held onto it for comfort. “How many of you are actually dating someone?” he asked even though he knew the answer. “How many of you have dealt with your relationship falling apart in front of your face?” He sucked in a soft breath as he tried to keep himself calm and reminded himself that this was being done out of concern and worry for them, not an attack, even though he felt painfully defensive right now.

“If I told him, it could be great, but it could also be terrible. He might be ecstatic that we ended up together, but considering he was fawning over the world’s worst mullet-” Moontae paused, looking up at Evan before he reached out and patted his knee. “Sorry, Evan-ah, but it’s bad. Anyway, I don’t think that it means that he has any feelings for me. I know how Daeshim looks when he’s looking at me like that, and it’s not... I haven’t seen any sign that there’s any emotions there. What’s worse, is I could tell him, and he might feel guilty, or he might think it’s a joke or think it’s a disaster or never want to be part of anything with me again because it’s too weird.” He’d thought long and hard about this over the nights that he’d spent curled up alone in the room at Daeshim’s family home. He’d cried himself to sleep more than once over the idea that Daeshim would regret him, regret them, and that he wouldn’t want to even be Moontae’s friend anymore because of it.

“Maybe he’ll get mad at me for keeping it from him,” he said in a soft tone. “But I’d rather him not know and have one less thing to worry about than risk losing him forever because of telling him the truth. I can handle Daeshim just being my best friend, but I can’t-” He cut off, throat closing on him as he realised how exhausted he was about this entire situation and how emotional it always made him. It took him a moment to collect himself before he took a soft breath and finished his sentence. “I can’t handle the idea of him not wanting to be a part of my life anymore for finding out the truth.” It was a hard thing to say, and he knew that his brothers probably thought he was being ridiculous and irrational, but the idea of losing Daeshim was more of a nightmare to him than this entire situation ever would be, and he didn’t know how else to get that through their heads.

Evan had a piece that he still wanted to say, although he really wasn’t sure when or how he’d get it in between Yuanjun’s scientific attack and Moontae’s defensive nature. Honestly, his hyungs were so stubborn sometimes, and always for the worst reasons too. He wished that they were like normal people and bickered over who got the last piece of chicken, not over the knowledge of their friend’s memories. He wasn’t by any means a medical professional and knowledgeable about this subject, but he had a feeling that if Yuanjun put less effort into looking up scientific journals and more effort into finding a specialist in Seoul that they could set Moontae up to talk to, it might’ve been a little easier than bombarding him like this.

He let out a soft noise of offence as Moontae mocked his hair, but he couldn’t even be mad about it. He hadn’t had his hyung tease him for his mullet in over a month now, so it was a refreshing change of pace to hear Moontae comment on his hair, even if it was negative. “I like it,” Evan said with a soft whine, hand coming up to tug lightly at the ends that curled over his shoulders and around his neck. “Better than your chunky blonde streak at least,” he murmured under his breath, knowing that he wouldn’t win that argument anyway. Every hair look Moontae had ever had was hot, even Evan could admit that, but this felt a little bit more like how things were before the accident, so kept it up.

When Moontae went into his spiel about how telling Daeshim was a bad idea and that he could risk losing him entirely, Evan couldn’t help but sigh. He understand his concerns, and honestly, they were justified. No one really knew how Daeshim felt about Moontae until they’d announced they were dating and a party was thrown, but Evan couldn’t imagine that Daeshim would ever be so regretful that he’d push Moontae away entirely. He shifted from where he was leaning against the chair to go sit on the couch with Minsu, and from that distance, he watched Moontae quietly, noticed how his hyung seemed to grow smaller, like he was trying to protect his shattered heart from breaking further, and it hurt.

“Moontae-hyung,” Evan said after a moment, keeping his tone low so that it couldn’t be misinterpreted as anything but caring. “I don’t think Daeshim could ever regret you or hate you.” He pressed his lips together, thinking for a moment before adding, “He still considers you his best friend, and I know that’s why you don’t want to tell him, because you’re afraid you’ll lose all of him, but what if you don’t? What if this version of Daeshim loves you just as much as your Daeshim does? Even if it’s differently, it’s still love, right? You shouldn’t risk giving that up because you’re scared. Not telling him might also push him away...”