Unanswered questions have been nagging at me. Kim is like so many other women, it seems to me, who have grown up with trauma. And yet there is no talk of the long-term effects. I decide to put the question of sexual abuse to her plainly. She tells me that yes, something did happen in the home of a relative when she was a girl, but she doesn’t want to get into the details. She has never talked about this before. She doesn’t want to dwell on the pain. I am saddened by her admission, and the fact that so many years later, she is still so clearly devastated.
And I am saddened that even here, in a place for relaxation and nurturing, she is unable to divest herself, even for a few hours, of the blue contact lenses and blond wig.
“Think about it,” she confesses when I ask her to talk about her experience of skin color. “The girls that [men] dated when I was younger were light-skinned and tall. I’m short and brown-skinned. And I always wondered … how do I fit in?”
Did she ever overcome the feeling of being ugly?
“I really haven’t,” she admits. “Honestly, though, I think being Lil’ Kim the rapper helped me deal with it better. Because I got to dress up in expensive clothes, and I got to look like a movie star or whatever. I think doing photo shoots and seeing all the people respond to me has helped. [But] I still don’t see what they see.”
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