I was not magnificent
at all. Where does this
road end? Hollow ink
and forever unfree.
Having everything you
wanted, it feels like no
thing. The grief comes
at once. Flimsy reeds.
Let us go, then vacant
signs are ourselves.
More true than art.
How did this happen
so many times. Sore
from falling. Broken
strings across the sea.
Nearly portrait of some
17th century ne'er do
well, it is well with my
soul. Meeting my maker,
not now, too savage high.
Cracked, undone, moving
on without moving. No shade
even trapped in this apartment.
Hell is yourself unfiltered. Gain
from lonesome struggle, to be
alone in bed with another, like
I did anything to merit such
mercy. This is the thing about
dying: it doesn't really affect
you. Until it does. Where does
this end, where does this make
sense, where does this enough
make enough. This raft has
fallen apart. To drown would be
grace. Let the waters rise over me.
Let the time consume me.
Waited for the remedy, when
it no longer works. Inhuman
calumny, cast away the beliefs.
Captain of nothing, capturing
this barren coast, this fantasy,
real time love, denied by the
craving, to seem together.
I am with myself too much.
Lost them all, given so many,
how to repair what can't be
made whole. Ruminating on
the black sweater unwound.
The Baptist, the dog, the girl,
the little lies I tell my shadow.
A fragrant way of killing the
mystery. Only an ether of
me. Not really here. Just doing
what I think others would have
me do. Not even very rote
upon the rope. Can i be
another kind of man? Who
was he who ordered those
tickets. Collected books for
the gospel, none matters but
now. Vaping in my sleep. Now
I know why he left a chew in
at night. The only thing that
matters now is how I treat.
Slaying myself on my actions,
correspondence with Mephisto
all along. Stained moon, night
comes too fast. Returns to you.
Deaf dumb blind like grace,
to have seen so much. This
human life on wax. Wake up
from this dream. Wake up
from this selfish calamity
trauma honored and fake
eyelashes covering my soft
skin. When the glass is broken,
all that's left is your arms that
I ignore. If only I could do enough
to earn the seat. Except for pulling,
sitting still, listening, collapsing.
Put back together only by chance:
the heart of those that love me
despite. Kiss yourself goodbye
when the windchimes play.
Long mountain, the flood has
ended if I'd stop swimming. Look,
I bow down to the symbol but
cannot carry it in my soul.
Carried until ghost, merry
wedding cake. Eat it with your
flesh. Tastes like forgiveness or
failure. If only fire could come
down. To walk the coals again.
Somehow differently. Without
pretense. The shame is still
there, even as I deny it. Gallantly
lying to everyone. To be burned,
the breast of the earth, holding
this body aloft, articles of what
necessary death. I try to hold my
head up.