In Goss We Trust

[ingosswetrust]

Suburban Cosmic ~ Alive in the Age of Worry

We pick up on a Sunday afternoon, stomach burning, swallowing back waves of dread and anxiety, knowing Monday is around the corner. The rain is falling outside and I wish it was heavier, so crushing and isolating that it would bury the roads and stop the world in its tracks.

I’ve gotten really heavily into John Mayer recently. I always was a fan and bought his albums but I have fallen deeper down the rabbit hole lately. I am analysing lyrics and playing my guitar more. I’m even semi-chasing the romantic ideal of seclusion from the world, owning a house in the sticks and carving out a slice of Americana somewhere in the Mournes. So far this has manifested in me buying a denim jacket and dreaming of driving a flatbed but I know i’m at least searching for something, whether that is something more or something less is a matter of perspective.

10 days ago I went on a trip with my sister and two of my cousins to London to see a John Mayer concert. We are all super-fans with creative blood in our veins. We write, we draw, we paint or make music and here we were together, making a pilgrimage to celebrate a connecting thread, a tunnel to the heart of what matters to us on an artistic level. 

There was a slightly nervous energy, natural anxieties tempered with anticipation and we  found ourselves bonding further. We see each other every week and have grown up together but even I was surprised at how much deeper the well was to draw from. The concert itself was spectacular and the set list was a playbook of memories and emotions. I looked over at my cousin towards the end and she was in tears. This was bucket-list territory.

That night we talked over drinks at the hotel bar and got nerdy over lyrics and themes and I was happy. I was me. I was with my family and in my element, bursting to express emotions and truths and create art. It brought me out of my worry for a couple of days and I could breathe again.

So yeah naturally I went out and bought a denim jacket. It’s how I cope. I wanted something tangible, some part of the dream made real. When I listen to “Whiskey, Whiskey, Whiskey” I  identify with the lyrics, the feeling of being lost and the pressure and strain of trying to break free. Right now stress is crippling my ability to enjoy life, and as a painful by-product, I am creatively hampered by my inability to focus on anything else except my nerves.  I tried to write this post the night I got home. I’ve only just been able to finish it. My stomach is in knots and I am anxious as I write all this but I have to believe some day things will work out. Hope is in the blood. The tree will someday bear fruit. My search for everything continues.

Thanks John.

“Joni wrote Blue in her house by the sea. I gotta believe there’s another colour waiting on me. To set me free.” - from “Queen of California” by John Mayer

[picturesquotesandstuff]

When autumn comes, it doesnt ask. It just walks in, where it left you last. And you never know, when it starts Until there’s fog inside the glass Around your summer heart

John Mayer, Something’s Missing (via picturesquotesandstuff)

[ingosswetrust]

All is Bright

Winter to me is not darkness and cold.

It is warmed by laughter, joy and kindness.

It is lit with roaring fires and Christmas lights.

And in our friendship, generosity and love we find comfort and refuge.

It is a promise of hope.

  The darkness may grow and we may lose our way.

But in our hearts we yearn to serve a greater purpose.

To find heaven under the glistening stars and fall humbled at its door.

It leads us through the storm. It picks us up and gilds our armour.

As the snow swirls around us we will laugh harder and stomp louder

Our souls will catch fire as our voices rise up in song.

Pain does not last. Our souls will resound.

Repeat the sounding joy.

  And by candle light, our souls embrace.

In those small moments, I hibernate for spring.

You are a light that guides me through the snow.

With your hand in mine I will follow you forever.

In your arms I am happy at last. This is winter.

And all is calm. All is bright.

*****

- December 2016. I am getting married in 2 weeks.

[your-last-cigarettee]

I crave uncomplicated quiet, and the sky.

Marilyn Hacker, from Winter Numbers: Poems (via your-last-cigarettee)

[ingosswetrust]

Summer ~ Red Sky at Night

For the longest time, I have felt speechless. The flame burnt out and its trail dissipated into the cold winter air. I didn’t feel like writing, I didn’t even feel like talking. There was only silence, and tiredness. So much tiredness.

Full disclosure, I still can’t write. I have tried multiple times recently and the words just won’t come. But I am talking. I have ideas. I am feeling the sparks of creativity. Over the last few months there has been a colossal upheaval. My life has changed. I have bought a house. I have got a new job. My evenings and weekends are now mine to fill as I please.

I’m still so catastrophically tired. But it feels a little earned now. I of course live in the hope that someday i’ll earn a bit more money. It terrifies me that maybe I won’t be able to support my family, that life will be a constant struggle for money. I’m 29 and still on the bottom rung. My anxiety is off the chart, it keeps me awake and it makes me sick. I had a drink with the old gang last week and in our own ways, we face different struggles. I hope I can be there for them the way they are for me. Regardless of ambitions and dreams, there is purpose in being a good friend, a good brother, a good husband and a good son. I am learning to build up the foundations beneath the old ruins. 

The embers are glowing again. The flame is feeding and quietly stirring. I am excited about writing, I am excited about living. I finally understand what it is like to live for the weekend. Work is a learning curve and I hit Friday like a freight train. I spend the weekend eating and sleeping, and staring in wonder at my new house. It is a quiet routine but it feels like a necessary downtime until I am ready to get back on the horse.

I can’t wait to get married this year. I am in love. I feel loved. I feel like a garden being tended to by a gardener. Summer is coming.

I wouldn’t mind laying here in the sun for a while.

[ingosswetrust]

April 9th - Turned 29.

Getting married this year to the love of my life.

[ingosswetrust]

My Desert Island Reads.

[ingosswetrust]

[ingosswetrust]

[ingosswetrust]

Re: French Wine

Re: French Wine

December 24th,1914

 We will never return, [my love], to those golden days,

Of naive promises and carefree dreams.

Even now, as the guns fall silent and all I can hear is mybreath in the air,

We remember that this day will pass, and that for many,

Next Christmas will never come.

 I must apologise then, for I fear this too may be my last Christmas.

But know, Dear, that I spent it with joy in my heart, and love for my fellow man.

If I could give you one last Christmas gift, [my love],

It would be the hope that I carry in my veins.

For tonight I look across the scarlet fields, to the absolute darkness,

But tonight, I do not hide.

 Today we shook hands with the German ghosts we have chased,

Two barrels of French wine we drank and songs we sang,

And together we kindled the fire that will lead us from this abyss.

I saw the shackles of fear fall from our wrists,

I saw not nations nor enemies, but brothers, recognised with love and gentleness.

I felt the thawing of my soul’s winter.

 So do not cry, [my love], for the loss of my brothers, nor for I.

For my blood is warmed by the hope that we bring,

By the promise that we will see each other again,

And on that day we will never part.

We are vessels now for the coming of the light,

And when dawn comes, we will disappear with the shadows.

For now, the night is cold and we’re alone.

And I see the faces of my friends in the scarlet fields.

I'm on watch, [my love], so shut your eyes and get some rest.

The men are asleep and as I breathe, I hope.

That we give you a gift for all Christmases,

That we give up our lives for love, tenderness, freedom and peace.

Written as a reflection, on commission for Gaudeamus Chamber Choir as part of their "Venite" Carol Service, December 23rd, 2014.

The bracketed parts were removed from the published version and have been included here for curiosity's sake.

The words "love, tenderness, freedom and peace" are inspired from the Japanese lyrics of the song "Dead Tree" by Dir en grey. The phrase "As I breathe, I hope" is a direct translation of the Latin motto "Dum spiro spero".

[ingosswetrust]

Winter Dreams

The days are shorter. Less Light getting in. Colder now.

Getting prepared for hibernation. Feeling the slow shutting down of processes once full of fire. Now comes ice. Cold.

Beaten down again. Failure. Bury the carcass. Solemn little grave.

Snow falls and covers the ground. Glistening white, clean slate.

Afraid to step out on the perfect snow. Sun is far away and I am alone.

Night time and I hide. Close my eyes and disappear.

I light a torch to find my way. Through the endless dark. Stumbling.

Crows talk. I protect the flame. I break the dead trees to nourish the fire. It burns and I am warm. 

The flame is large and it roars in the dark. I close my eyes and sleep.

Dreams flicker. The moon watches and the sky is full of stars. 

The dark retreats and I wake up. The fire is softer but it still burns.

Morning is here.

(December 2014, Edenmore)

[ingosswetrust]

January book haul.

[the-red-hairing]

being an introvert is really hard because there is no polite way to tell someone that you’re in a bad mood because you’re exhausted from socializing.

[ingosswetrust]

This.

[ingosswetrust]

Failure Again...

It's Day 2 of NaNoWriMo 2014 and the stress of the ordeal is overwhelming. I went on a whim with an oppulent gothic horror idea that I had been toying with but it has been an arduous exercise. I am pacing my room, debating whether to continue or start over. It's now or never. At 2 days behind, the task gets ever harder. The idea in itself is not good enough. No idea ever is. I wanted something fun, something that I would enjoy getting home to. I know I put too much pressure on my writing but to do anything less would be to reconcile myself with the notion that I myself am not a very good writer. That is my true fear, and if I don't have writing then I am nothing. Oh the horror!

[ingosswetrust]

Going Listal: My Top 10 The National Songs

The National are the band of the modern condition: the alienation; the doubt; the love; the joy and the fear. I wanted to delve into their catalogue to choose my Top 10 favourite songs from the Ohio band.

10) Afraid of Everyone from "High Violet" (2010)

The overwhelming paranoia of being a parent permeates every song on High Violet and it reaches its zenith on Afraid of Everyone, a downward spiral of fear and desperate protection from the outside world. 

9) All the Wine from "Alligator" (2005)

A high-on-life strut with outstanding lyrics portraying that feeling of FINALLY being on a roll. "I'm so sorry but the motorcade will have to go around me this time."

8) Exile Vilify from "Portal 2" (2011)

This soundtrack to the game Portal 2 is a perfectly measured piano led ballad with hauntingly tender lyrics. "Are you thinking too fast, you're like marbles on glass..."

7) Mistaken for Strangers from "Boxer" (2007)

A "guitar" song from The National and it's a driving journey through the perils of modern isolation.

6) Lemonworld from "High Violet" (2010)

A snapshot of sepia-tinged good times, a vaguely sad meditation on our failure to keep our heads above water. Being an adult is terrifying and this is a heart-wrenching plea to tread water for a while.

5) Bloodbuzz Ohio from "High Violet" (2010)

Accept it, life is shitty. We are saddled with debt ("I still owe money to the money, to the money I owe.") and crippling fears and doubts ("The floors are falling out from everybody I know.") and that fear of returning home a failure. I sometimes think that the song also seems to have a alternative meaning, one being that we should just live anyway and be carried along in the tide.

4) Fake Empire from "Boxer" (2007)

Fake Empire's political overtones do not detract from the sheer romance of the song and that feeling of being alive in the same moment of time regardless of what's going on in the world.

3) Santa Clara from "The Virginia EP" (2008)

The slow chug of the railway beat sets the tone for this bittersweet song about being left behind, about seeing your friends overtake you, leave and become successful. Gorgeous in its execution, the song is a true hidden gem from The National.

2) About Today from "Cherry Tree" (2004)

This song, nestled away on the band's first seven song EP, is a quiet, acoustic love song that deals with the fear of losing someone, even when they are right in front of you. The inability to communicate, the uncertainty, the song will give you goosebumps. When performed live, the band adds a loud electric crescendo to the final verse which is equally as stirring.

1) Slow Show from "Boxer" (2007)

This song encapsulates for me everything there is to love about The National. It starts sparse and frigid as singer Matt Berninger sings about feeling out of place at a party but then opens into a warm love song as the bass line comes in and he sings about wanting to "hurry home to you, put on a slow dumb show for you and crack you up." It's as gentle and honest a love song as they are capable of. "You know I dreamed about you, for 29 years, before I saw you..."

This list was shockingly difficult to choose. I can't recommend this band enough.

A few more editorial posts coming soon, with some more lists to follow before I dive into NaNoWriMo 2014.  The schedule is taking shape.

[ingosswetrust]

Going Listal: My Top 25 L'Arc~en~Ciel Songs

Anyone who knows me can tell you that I love lists. I'm a self confessed music geek and nothing gets me engrossed like music discussions, playlist and top 10 making. 

One of my all time favourite bands is L'Arc~en~Ciel, the Japanese stadium giants who if you are unfamiliar, sound like a cross between U2, Bon Jovi, The Cure, and Nirvana. Forbes magazine described them as "an improbable mix of Metallica’s heady guitar riffs and U2’s optimistic vocals, with a dollop of anime-inspired lyrics for good measure."

With 12 studio albums and a B-Sides collection over the past 23 years, I thought I'd take a look back over L'Arc~en~Ciel's discography to pick my own personal top 25 songs. Really it was an excuse to listen to all their stuff again because sweet lord, I love this band to death.

25) Anata (You) from "Heart" (1998)

The Big Lighters In The Air Ballad. This is a regular concert closer and it's so fucking triumphant. They have tried to better it since but nothing comes close.

24) Metropolis B-Side (1998)

This B-Side to their Winter fall single has an unusual, mechanical beat with chirpy guitar and bopping head chorus. A welcome change of pace.

23) Ibara no Namida (Tears of Thorns) from "Ray" (1999)

Was featured as a concert opener on their recent World Tour with a re-tooled piano opening, The song is a dark, soaring rock song from their seminal Ray album.

22) Trust from "Awake" (2005)

A sad,shimmering album track buried on their Awake album. I really love the chorus.

21) Kaze no Yukue (Where the Wind Goes) from "Tierra" (1994)

A melancholy song that really came into its own during the 2011 20th Anniversary concerts. It's perfect for a rainy day.

20) Caress of Venus from "True" (1996)

The True album was the start of L'Arc~en~Ciel really broadening their sound and the biggest example of this was Caress of Venus. With its opening house-piano and pounding dance beat, this song was a game changer.

19) Good Luck My Way from "Butterfly" (2012)

A real feel good song with a driving rhythm and chunky pop punk riffs. I genuinely cheer up when this song comes on.

18) Daybreak's Bell from "Kiss" (2007)

Another dark, heavy track with some sad but beautiful lyrics, "My life I trade in for your pain." 

17) Shout at the Devil from "Heart" (1999)

A fast, chaotic, rocking track. When they play this live, you flail and go nuts. Usually accompanied by an awesome laser show.

16) Drink It Down from "Butterfly" (2012)

The soundtrack to the game "Devil May Cry 4", this song was first released as a single in 2008 and has become a live staple. The song itself is pop metal of the highest order. Dark and devilish, just like the game it accompanies.

15) Finale from "Real" (2000)

Finale is a creepy, pulsing rock song that was featured on the soundtrack of the horror movie Ring 0. The reverb-laden vocals add a sinister edge.

14) X X X from "Butterfly" (2012)

A divisive single upon release, this is a sultry alt-rock song with an r&b feel and orchestral flourishes throughout. I loved it and still do as I think the melody and string section are classic L'Arc.

13) The Silver Shining from "Ray" (1999)

The quiet, sleepy closer from Ray, is a gorgeous midnight lament.

12) Anemone from "Clicked Singles Best" (2001)

Released as a new track on a Greatest Hits/Singles collection during L'Arc's hiatus in 2001, Anemone is a lush symphonic masterpiece of considerable beauty. 

11) Love Flies from "Real" (2000)

A bluesy rock song with grunge bar aesthetics that compares falling in love to, essentially, tripping balls.

10) My Dear from "Awake" (2005)

An experiment that went right! This is a sparse, synth-led love song that was apparently written quite differently. The band liked this stripped down version and it stuck! In keeping with the overall anti-war theme of the album, this is a tender and sad song.

9) Loreley from "Heart" (1999)

Singer Hyde breaks out the saxophone for this groovy, moody album opener. The chorus was what originally hooked me with its great vocals.

8) In the Air from "Tierra" (1994)

The warm opening bass line sets the mood for this this joyful, optimistic song before it explodes into sunny U2-style arena rock à la Beautiful Day.

7) Kasou (Flower Burial) from "Ray" (1999)

Gothic and pretty, Kasou is the centre-piece of the Ray album. By turns delicate and emotional yet relentlessly eerie, it is one of L'Arc's strongest songs.

6) Anata no tame ni (For You) B-Side (1995)

A true hidden gem, this is early 90s gothic rock in the vein of The Cure. The rhythm section really shines here.

5) Voice from "Dune" (1993)

Ken's guitar soars in this track from their debut album. It established the kind of big ambitious sound L'Arc would develop going forward.

4) Forbidden Lover from "Ark" (1999)

My first L'Arc~en~Ciel song, and what a song it is. With its military drum beat and pervading gloomy atmosphere, I bled for the protagonist of this song and the crushing, transcendent guitar solo/shred lifts this song into the upper echelons of the L'Arc discography.

3) Pieces from "Ark" (1999)

First an admission, I used to actively dislike this song. I thought the intro was cheesy and never really gave it a chance. Just filler. How. Wrong. Was. I.

I realised one day I was singing the chorus as I walked out of work. I struggled to figure out what song it was from. All I knew was that I loved it. The way the tone changes halfway through, to an earnest, soaring, expansive farewell is mesmerising and even though it charts here at number 3, Pieces is my most listened to L'Arc~en~Ciel song to this day.

2) My Heart Draws A Dream from "Kiss" (2007)

Such a simple echoing guitar riff that leads into one of the most heart-wrenchingly happy songs. It is a life affirming, shining supernova of the heart.

1) Fate from "Heart" (1999)

When I heard the opening guitar riff during their 2012 gig in Paris, I felt my insides crumble and my love was complete. Fate captures the sheer emotion L'Arc~en~Ciel are capable of expressing. The song is WHY I love the band. The searching guitar strains, the walking bass line, the driving drum beat...the drama of the song that tells us there is something bigger at play. Love on a cosmic scale. They follow this track on the album with Milky Way, a light, airy fun track but that's what they do. They show sadness and hope. Darkness and light. They are a mirror for the human condition and they continue to fascinate me. 

So there you have it, 23 years of L'Arc~en~Ciel condensed into 25 cracking songs. It was painful leaving out so many songs, I know my sister's list would be very different. The beauty of L'Arc~en~Ciel is that they don't have a definite greatest hits. Everyone's lists will be different. 

I will be doing many more of these lists in the future so stay tuned.

[murakamistuff]

No matter how quiet and conformist a person’s life seems, there’s always a time in the past when they reached an impasse. A time when they went a little crazy. I guess people need that sort of stage in their lives.

Haruki Murakami - Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage (via murakamistuff)