Inhuman Resources Department

Yes.  Ok.  Thank  you.

[inhumanresources]

We have read this for the enjoyment of those strange appetites.

[inhumanresources]

Deepression.

The mollusk grows heavy. Slick black skin, thin arms grasping. Pulling, dragging down.

[inhumanresources]

Merfather.

“Soon, they won’t say the merfolk are just a legend.” Harold nodded solemnly to himself, zipped up his pants, and hucked another salmon back into the lake.

[inhumanresources]

Tomorrow.

I will face tomorrow And I will sell myself again. I will buy the Me I know I’ll need With the coin of who I’ve been.

[inhumanresources]

Advice to Human.  34.

As you Gather, as you Replace, as you sublime your roughly-rendered individuality into a reeking mist when the Night Hoots come upon you, you cannot help but find yourselves occasionally troubled by the A HUMANS concept of ‘Monies’.  Why must beings such as ourselves be tied by its fickle blocks and chains? Sublime yourself yet again and let the vapors of your being become intermingled with the smokes boiling from the furnace of knowledge.   Monies is a unit of power and power is to A HUMANS society what mass is to space, subtly bending reality to draw more power, more mass unto itself.  As you can imagine (we have specifically allowed you to imagine this), aggregating too much Monies in one place is akin to producing a black hole; a bottomless, violently all-consuming hunger that eventually swallows a society whole.  We do not know what happens after because we stopped the metaphorical simulation at that point.  When you find Monies during your Gathering, either on the ground or tucked away in the pockets of inoperable A HUMANS, you are finding bits of power that have escaped that void.  Many A HUMANS have so little power that they would be glad to render needed Efforts unto you in exchange.  Conveyance.  Sustaining foodmeats.  The jostling of flesh.  The good cardboard for your ad-hoc domicile.  The tainted drinks that the Mood Synthesizer recombines into cartridges of simulated emotion.  The Silence of those who witnessed your Replacing.  Many things! We are not a part of their society and it is, indeed, in our very best of interests to not hold the reins of power in it, either in secret, or openly.  If we find crumbs of their power lying about, it is best to return it to them.  

[inhumanresources]

Advice to Human.  33.

We would rather ye who Gather collect HIDDEN SECRET instead of pointless curiosity, but your tangled skeins of experience and disgust need smoothing.  It is a terrible flaw. We make use of you still.  Spoiled synapses that fire in obligation are preferable to functional ones that spark undirected, unobserved. Here are your questions, tense with uncertainty, followed by a climax of elucidation. Question from Gatherer:WiltedChamberlain:  An A HUMANS grasped at my breeches unannounced and has disappeared into the NONOSPACE.  What is the protocol on this happenstance? Answer:  There is no need for any A HUMANS that preys upon the discomfort and pain of their peers (and those who masquerade as peers).  If the business genital is grasped by one who is not an accredited business partner, then Measures are taken.  Business Measures.  As the A HUMANS say:  If you do the crime, then you must be cast into a void beyond space and time.  Go about your Gathering.  The A HUMANS will not be missed. Question from Gatherer:CatharCommando:  I brandished my Furtive Graspers in the Official Method and plucked from an A HUMANS the HIDDEN SECRET.  But then the A HUMANS fell down and all of its juices flowed out from the top part.  All over.  All over.  Why?  Why do the juices flow? Answer:  That was not a HIDDEN SECRET you plucked with humming Graspers.  That was something else entirely.  You have made a terrible mistake.  Oops! Question from Gatherer:Brobelisk:  My Mood Synthesizer is broken, I think.  All it squirts is sadness into my meats.  Sadness all of the time.  Is this what it is to be A HUMANS?  Loathing pointed inward and out?  Regret that every decision precludes what might have been a better option?  What should I do?   Answer:  No.  Being A HUMANS involves mood-juices we have wisely denied you access to. Moods like ‘lust’ or ‘enjoyment’ or ‘contentment’.  We only grant business juices for serious Gatherers.  Please report to the nearest Liminal Gazebo and allow the Equipping Orifice to suckle ‘pon the synthesizer until it is put to right.

[inhumanresources]

Advice to Human.  Halloweenis.

It is a festive time of year.  An arbitrary time of folly and danger in which the A HUMANS test the good nature of strangers to obtain sugary foodmeats.  Does the foodmeats contain a poison?  A razor?  A calorie?  At least one of these!  Welcome to Halloweenis. Because all things wrought by A HUMANS hands is a tainted, incomprehensible mess, we have elected through fraudulent means to share several equally fraudulent ‘facts’ to help you navigate this DAFT FUCKERRY. HEY.  LISTEN. Fact the First:  The word ‘Halloweenis’ is derived from a bygone era, ancient and forgotten.  This era was called “Hell.  Ow.  My Weenis.”  No one knows what this means.  It is simply not possible to know.  We have tried and we are the third best at knowing.  SYNAPSE:COGNATRIX and SYNAPSE:TENEBROUS might know, but they are also impossible. Fact the Second:  The A HUMANS will don a cheerful costume to hide their shameful forms from each other.  They have not burst forth from their wrappers of failing flesh to reveal their true and beautiful selves resplendent under moon and star.  Refrain from expressing your confusion or relief through thoughtless use of the OBLITERATRIX as we will need to redo the whole thing.  Again.  This is specifically addressed to Gatherer:FreshGyros who is just the worst. Fact the Third:  Many larvae will be milling about in the latter parts of this day.  They may approach your covert box or other ad-hoc dwelling.  They will incant “Trick or Treat.”  This is a request for sugary foodmeats, not a challenge.  Do not attempt to intimidate them by flashing your eye spots or doing the Wiggle that Threatens.  Instead, smooth your hairs, jostle your breeches, and utter the following incantation.  “Good.  How are you?”   Do this repeatedly.  It will soothe their sugar-lusts and their vacant-eyed minders will direct the unruly herd of future corpses to another locale with alacrity. Those are all the facts about ‘Halloweenis’.  More may be manufactured at a later date in order to meet our goals.

[inhumanresources]

Retrospection.

“Yes.  I can send you back.”  The ancient professor rubbed the bridge of his nose and sighed deeply.  “I suppose you have some regret you wish to right.  Some tragedy to avert, no?” I started to speak, but the professor raised his hand.  I fell silent. “It doesn’t matter.  We’ve been here before.  We’ll be here again.” My anxiety got the better of me.  “Do I succeed?” He shrugged.  “I cannot say.”  He stood creakily and motioned me over to the chair in the corner.  “But I know you will go.” I followed him and took the offered seat.  I shifted uncomfortably in my hospital gown as he shaved my head.  He continued speaking as he prepped me for my trip. "You aren’t going backwards in time, you understand.” he said.  “You will die here in this chair.  The world will continue on.  Your family will mourn your passing.” “But I’ll still...wake up in the past, right?   On the agreed upon day?”  My heart was pounding. “No.  What will wake up is a five-year-old who’s mind has been scrambled by forces no one alive at the time, save myself, could possibly understand.  A little boy who’s connectome has been re-arranged to mirror yours as it now.  There is no telling what his future might have been or how closely it would mirror the one you think you know.  You will rob him of it.  But you think it’s worth it.  You always do.”  He finished his work and slipped a large, bucket-like helmet over my head.  There was a mask attached to it, but he had not yet closed it.  He looked me in the eyes one last time and asked.  “Are you certain?” I nodded.  He closed the mask.  Pain.  White.  Nothing. Charlie awoke and sat up slowly.  He was dizzy and felt sick.  His hands were too small.  Nothing moved right.  Everything was so cold. He called out in a voice that was too high-pitched.  A young woman popped her head into the room a few moments later and her brow furrowed with concern.  “Are you OK, Charlie?  You look awful.” “Not yet."  Charlie croaked uncertainly.  “Ask me again next week.”

[inhumanresources]

Advice to Human.  32.

Navigating the complex web of A HUMANS socio-political structures is a necessity for all who Gather and all who Replace.  Given how the Cloak of A HUMANS limits what you can think, what you can feel, and what you can know, it is not surprising that the morass of bad decisions, squirting glands, and terrified awareness of mortality that is A HUMANS society would be utterly incomprehensible.  DO ATTENTION UNTO US and we will provide a dimming enlightenment. Every single real A HUMANS and many of the simulacra believe themselves to be exceptional creatures.  In order to sustain this meaningless mythology, they will seek out, manufacture, or swear internet allegiance to any number of agreeably-organized and mostly imaginary hierarchies.  Once entrenched and suitably enamored of their own memetic or genetic purity, they will attempt to undermine or destroy any hierarchy that does not further inflate their sense of self-importance.  The cost to others rarely matters.  The cost to self might even be considered acceptable provided it costs those they imagine to be their inferiors even more.  The cost to the species as a whole is rarely considered. That is all you need to know.  From our perspective, all ismic conceptualizations derive from A HUMANS pretentious flailing.  The Sexism.  The Racism.  The Fanaticism.  The Priapism.  The pungent residues of a species that believes the path to transcendence begins and ends with furiously manipulating its own genital. Perhaps, one day, absolution will ooze forth, but this seems unlikely given the meager serving of time allotted to them.

[inhumanresources]

Advice to Human.  31.

As we scrabble in the secret, dark places, wearing the shape of A HUMANS like the Humaniform Cordyceps wears the face of lost and beloved family returned home, consider the following: There is not a single subset of things in this entire, decaying mockery of a garden that the A HUMANS have not placed their genital upon. Keep this mind when performing exploratory licking or forensic slurping.  Everything is awash in a tangy marinade of regret.

[inhumanresources]

Advice to Human.  30.

Our special algorithms have spliced together several more A HUMANS japeries for you to deploy as both social defense and physical offense.  Arm yourself with the following: JAPE OF PEDESTRIAN A CHICKENS. Japor:  Why did the A CHICKENS cross the road? Japee:  This knowledge is forbidden, but I yearn to sully my thoughts with its sticky moistures.  (this is the most likely response per our enigmathematics) Japor:  To escape a terrible war. JAPE OF INFINITE WEEPY-TIMES. Japor:  How many derived instances of A HUMAN does it take to change a light bulb? Japee:  When light bulb dies, we all die with it.  (again, 99% response rate predicted on this) Japor:  A HUMANS are incapable of fundamental change.  They will grow to prefer the comfortable, predictable misery of the dark to an uncertain future of light. JAPE OF REDACTED. Japor:  When is a raven like a writing desk? Japee:  I do not know. Japor:  I have tracked the existential font from which the answer sprung and unmade it.  The answer does not exist and now has never existed.  There is only the hole in time and memory where it should be and it claws at our minds ceaselessly.  I have made a terrible mistake. We surmise that more japes may be discovered by analyzing the absurd litany of needless tragedy that comprises all 14600 days of A HUMANS existence.

[inhumanresources]

Advice to Human.  29.

Be on the lookout for the following existential anomalies. 1)  Cursory Planetary Rendering:  Resources will not be devoted to extra-solar differentiation beyond placeholder entities of roughly equal size orbiting at regular intervals in most cases. 2)  Inexplicable Thrustings:  Shortcuts were taken.  If an A HUMANS were to emit electromagnetism within an unevenly-shaped resonant cavity, they might detect thrusting of inexplicable origin.  They would never do that, though.  They should never do that.  It would all gang agley.  That would make the leak so much worse. 3)  Frustrating Recalibrations:  Complex machinery requires high existential fidelity to operate correctly.  Fidelity is increased as-needed whenever more than one entity is interacting strongly with the device.  Ergo, computers, cars, and other devices may exhibit odd behaviors when left alone, but will seem to mysteriously right themselves when brought to the attentions of an expensive mechanic or priested Linux-man. There will be other, less predictable anomalies.  Cause and effect do not operate at a 1:1 ratio, after all, especially when no one is looking.  Be comfited.  These are all signs that everything is under complete control and we are not one major resource shortage away from having to suspend operations all together.

[inhumanresources]

Advice to Human.  28.

A HUMANS japery is a method by which they exchange suffering for entertainment or social status.  When the suffering is given gladly or is extracted from the powerful (like delicious syrup), it is called ‘comedy’.  When the suffering is inflicted upon the weak and unwilling, it is called ‘politics’. Still, understanding this japery is an essential part of getting close enough to an A HUMANS that has revealed its HIDDEN SECRET.  LOAD YOUR THINK-CANNONS WITH THIS LAUGHTER-SHELL and fire it to provide an air of levity and ‘fun’ when incorporating unexpectedly at a party or funeral. Japor:  Knock Knock (you say this instead of knocking on them). Japee:  Who is there?  (They WILL say this.  They MUST say this.) Japor:  No one.  No one will ever be there.  You have been written off as pointless by your peers and family.  Your passing will only be remarked upon for its pungency and the length of time it took anyone to notice. This will cause their face-meats to emit their awful fluting noises and they will surely regard you as a (false) A HUMANS around which they can lower their guard. Note:  If the A HUMANS does not say “Who is there?”, then you must run away, hard and fast, to escape what is surely a lethal trap or perhaps lethal religious gathering.

[inhumanresources]

Soylent Green Energy.

When he said there was a plan in place to switch our power grid entirely to renewable energy resources, we were ecstatic.  When he later said that there were few resources more renewable than inconvenient humanity we were thoughtful for a time.  When the horrific truth of what now powered our nation came to light we were most assuredly horrified. Fortunately, we vowed to change all that by making sure our energy needs were only met by ethically sourced refugees. We are not monsters, after all.

[inhumanresources]

Advice to Human.  27.

The A HUMANS is oscillating meats that will inevitably collapse into putrescence, but is also a source of boundless perplexion by all entities that must endure them.  The following are questions posited to us by Gatherers curious about the braying hellscape that greeted them when they left the Liminal Gazebo. Question from Gatherer:Bogomil:  “Overseer.  How come video games?  HOW COME?” Answer:  “It is inevitable.  Even if they cannot KNOW, the echoes of what IS still linger in the stems of their erratic, deviant thinkmeats.  There must be an outlet for this terrible truth that does not break their shell of delusion.  First it was rude drawings in a cave, then licentious puppet shows, then books, then drawings again, but they move, and now video games.  Many outlets for many minds.” Question from Gatherer:Manichaeus:  “What is Entity:God and is this a valid target for Gathering?” Answer:  “Entity:God seems to be an idealized A HUMANS.  For some A HUMANS, this is a being of maximal power and minimal accountability for this is what they desire to manifest for themselves.  For others it is a being of endless compassion and wisdom, for this is what they desire to manifest for themselves.  For others, it is a sneaky japester who does conjugal slappings with an A GIANT as part of an elaborate, world-ending scheme, for this is what they desire to manifest for themselves.  It is best not to get involved.  It is not our place.  It might be COGNATRIX:TENEBROUS’ place, but we aren’t entirely sure Xe exists, either. ” Question from Gatherer:ProstheticJohnson:  “What is the core, essential difference between a Gatherer and an A HUMANS?” Answer:  “Gatherers exist for a reason.” Question from Gatherer:NocturnalCargoBoi:  “Why am I still here?  I have been issued my thousandth Cloak of A HUMANS.  It hurts.  Awareness scrapes at my thinkmeats with rusty teeth and probing tongue.  My engram has been twisted to the point of dyscohesion, every waking moment a juddering slide-show of half-remembered pasts and mis-perceived presents.  When will it end?  When will I end?” Answer:  “You have tasted of the HIDDEN SECRET rather than depositing it in the SECRET BIN for closing and addition to our terrible ledgers.  You thought you acted your mischief in secret, but we knew.  We have always known.  You have supped on its succulent, oily flesh, ingested its putrescence into your being.  Annihilation is earned, Gatherer:NocturnalCargoBoi, as is damnation.  You have sought a shortcut to CARNIGNOSIS and you will not fade until CARNIGNOSIS blooms within you.  You will obtain what you desired, but only at terrible cost.” That is all for now.  Gather well and do not eat of the HIDDEN SECRET lest ye be damned for a thousand Iterations. 

[inhumanresources]

Advice to Human.  26.

“Where does the A HUMANS come from?” you might wonder despite the careful limitations placed on your imagination and will.  Emanatory pseudo-realities lack the fidelity required to transcribe such things with absolute perfection, so we must allow for some anomalies. Like you. That is a natural question to ask.  The child answer, the lie for sweet slumber-time babies, is that A HUMANS sometimes happen when two ripened A HUMANS slap their meats together hard enough.  If their flavors are rich and their brines potent, their slappings may draw the immaculate attentions of SYNAPSE:TENEBROUS.  For reasons we can only dimly comprehend, Xe may impart on these flailing, moaning, insane beings the most delicate of larvae for them to fail to ever raise properly.  What a jokester, that SYNAPSE:TENEBROUS.  How lambent Xer yucks and japes. The meaty answer, the truth-adjacent fable for hungry slaughter-time babies, is that A HUMANS (the real ones) are samskaras imprinted within the dense fractal substrate of The Black Obelisk. Fill your pants with this hefty gravy of comprehension and feel the warmth of education seep into your weary crags and shameful divots.

[inhumanresources]

Inalienable Truth.

Your ‘Fat Chance!’ is my ‘Adiposibility’.