i’m trying to move on past this restless fear of the coming change
or rather i’m trying to breath past this pain in my chest
that i think is my body spilling my secrets to myself
it’s telling me that there’s a panic attack brewing on your horizons that you are turning your gaze away from
i’m trying to ignore it though,
i don’t want to confront myself and the crippling sense of alone
of where once i was happy and felt loved but now feel out of place and anxious
i miss us,
us,
the boy i thought liked me, who would sneak kisses in the hallway, who pressed tiny kisses on my head and my cheeks and my shoulders and my body, who sat next to me and rubbed my back, who walked home with me after a party, who slept over and missed me. who teased me and joked around, who i wanted to confide in, who i thought would confide in me, who had time for me, who i thought wanted to have time with me, who i thought cared.
i miss us,
us,
the girls i thought were untouchably friends, as in time wouldn’t whittle away at those bonds and push us away and bring distance between us, who made movie posters, who sang along to old nostalgic music, who came over and talked into the night, who went out together and drank together. who had inside jokes, who liked each other, who had unconditional favor and friendship, who were good friends, who were maybe even forever friends.
i miss us,
us,
the friends i thought i wouldn’t lose, who would stay in contact, who would still text and call, who would miss me and love me still, who were forever friends, who were childhood friends. who suffered together under the same teachers and shared homework and sat next to each other at lunch, who went on thrift trips and city trips and getting lost in the woods, who have too much history to be forgotten, who i guess forgot the history.
i miss us,
us,
the community that might’ve formed from necessity but was inexplicably and wonderfully close, who i thought wouldn’t change, wouldn’t drift, who spent nights together and packed the common room, who ate together and walked together and studied together, who got turned away from parties together and got drunk in each other’s rooms, playing music maybe a little too loud. who had that intangible something that made me warm, that intangible comforting closeness and constantness that formed something pure and lovely.
i miss us,
us,
the connections i thought i had, who i feel are slipping through my fingers, who i feel like i can see floating away, who i am desperately trying to keep but desperately trying not to be desperate. who without i am unmoored and adrift, confusedly aching and nostalgic but nostalgia as in the sad, cry at night, an exhausted what happened and where did everyone go.
i’ve just been missing things lately, and i’m swallowing hard and tearing up, but trying to be quiet so my roommate doesn’t see. i think i might have anxiety, like clinical anxiety or whatever it’s called, the anxiety that’s not run of the mill worry but the anxiety that makes you hate yourself and your chest hurt and sometimes it creeps up on you and you can’t breathe and you can’t think and you’re freezing, i think i might have that sometimes. but the rest of the time i think i’m vain and self important and just want to have an excuse for being a mess and sad and upset. the rest of the time i’m disgusted with myself for thinking i might have anxiety like the diagnosable kind, the kind that is serious and shouldn’t just be claimed easily and casually and trivially. but my chest hurts and the painful ache is winding its way into my shoulders and down my arms and back and i wonder if maybe i am anxious in the serious way but if i was where would i go, who would i ask, i just want to be validated because all i do is invalidate myself and what if i do have anxiety like the diagnosable kind but maybe i don’t and thinking i do is vain and silly. // lys
