InnocentDemons3

My every inner thought.

[innocentdemons3]

I'm done and I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of feeling. I'm tired of existing. I'm done

[innocentdemons3]

I was so different, before death.

[innocentdemons3]

If you're left with that heart wrenching "idk what I did wrong" feeling after every interaction you have, you probably don't belong.

[innocentdemons3]

Each part of my life feels like a chapter of a book. And in each chapter, the character is entirely different. Some things, of course, remain the same. But it's as if certain parts of me aren't allowed in certain chapters of my life. As if I can only allow certain people, places, attitudes, and character traits to exist within certain chapters. And not in others. It's almost as if different past lives of me are trying to leave their mark in this generation of my soul's journey through lives.

[innocentdemons3]

The warm, salty trickle of my tear pulls on my heart in a way that hurts deep, deep into me.

[innocentdemons3]

This place was supposed to be beautiful. It was supposed to be a positive, creative outlet that allows me to express my inner creativity and desire to thrive in the world. But alas that is not what it has become. It has become enraptured in the fiery hellish words that spit from my brain through my fingers. But I want that to be over. I want to be beautiful again. So beautiful I shall write. 

[innocentdemons3]

I wish I wasn't afraid of suicide.

[innocentdemons3]

One of the most heartbreaking feelings is when its finally your turn to talk, but two words in someone else starts talking over you and everyone listens to them... so you stop talking... but one person is still looking at you, to let you know they're still listening.....

Dont worry....

I didnt need to talk anyways....

[innocentdemons3]

I wish I were dead.

[innocentdemons3]

I just want to fucking disappear.

[innocentdemons3]

"How are you doing?"

Well, my bills equate to about $100 more than I make monthly, so I'm in constant debt without having to spend a single dollar on myself.

My mom is sick, and more things keep occurring, making it hard to think clearly about anything other than her.

I moved away amidst her cancer, and the distance from my parents is absolutely killing me.

I lost all my friends. All of them. I guess I pushed some away and the others distanced themselves. It doesn't really bother me, until I see funny or cute "bff" posts and such online, and I realize that I don't have anyone to tag in them.

I physically feel so sick. I'm missing an average of a day every week of work. Which, judging by the first blurb, is not helpful to me at all. I feel SO guilty every time I call out. Who gets sick this much and is completely better a day or two later everytime? If I wasn't the one who keeps getting sick.... I probably wouldn't believe it.

I'm so mentally drained. I have no energy for anything. I wait for laundry or dishes or dirt to pile up before I do anything about them. The smallest things set me off and make me angry beyond words. I've never EVER been like that.... I don't get it.

But at the end of the day, I'm okay. I have a bed to sleep in, next to the love of my life, and him and his son both love me as much as i love them. So I try to tell myself nothing else matters. That I AM okay..... so this last blurb is the only part that gets said out loud.

[innocentdemons3]

I wish I could just fucking die

[innocentdemons3]

Spending all day alone is rough. Or all week, or what feels like most of a month..... especially when you finally think you'll be able to spend the day with the person you love, but plans change..... then FINALLY you're both home, but you were so affected by the long, cold loneliness that your heart was just craving the sound of human voice. So you find random things to talk about, but your partner is still busy with other things as well.... so you find random things to say, just to fill the silence. And then you are judged, through and through, for talking so much. "Get to the point" "what? I stopped listening a long time ago" "do you HAVE to narrate EVERYTHING?!" .... at least they all have more syllables than "mhm" because that's all I usually hear.

[innocentdemons3]

Why don't beautiful things feel beautiful anymore?

[innocentdemons3]

Why does everything make me so sad?

[innocentdemons3]

I hate the feeling of being alive

[innocentdemons3]

I give up. Unless I can magically get $8,000...... I give up. I have to. I can't face the messes that came about after you died