sass in khakis

i work in a restaurant. these are the thoughts that run through my mind during my shifts.

[inside-a-restaurant-slaves-mind]

Ever had any kids or babies up in the joint screaming and crying?

outward me: yeah but it's just cause they're hungry all kids cry sometimes

inner me: ALL THE FREAKING TIME I JUST WANT TO STRANGLE THEM ALL

[inside-a-restaurant-slaves-mind]

major general cashier lady: *finishes making salads for a to go order*

outward me: how do you do the salads since we have the salad bar do they like tell you what they want on it?

major general cashier lady: no we just put the stuff on that's on the salads at the pizza place thing tomatoes green peppers onions carrots

major general cashier lady: i'll also put a little bit of cheese and some croutons on it when big boss lady isn't around so it's not so plain

inner me: major general cashier lady is sassy AND has a rebellious streak

inner me: i like it

[inside-a-restaurant-slaves-mind]

outward me: *flashback*

*first day at steak place thing*

awesomely cool blonde hostess/waitress lady: *teaching me the proper way to bus*

awesomely cool blonde hostess/waitress lady: you have to be sure to be quiet

outward me: okay *hold the vERY HEAVY bus pan away from me so walking doesn't jostle the glasses and make clinky noises*

outward me: *end flashback*

outward me: *hears glasses clinking every time a waitress walks with the bus pan*

inner me: aren't we supposed to be quiet what the heck

[inside-a-restaurant-slaves-mind]

tourist: do you know of any sports bar around here?

outward me: uhm no ma'am i'm sorry you could ask one of the waitresses

inner me: do i really look 21+ what the heckie

*repeat*

inner me: wHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK I'M UNDERAGE FOR GOD'S SAKE ARE YOU IDIOTS BLIND

[inside-a-restaurant-slaves-mind]

tourist: *looking at pictures he took of his kids outside* oh yeah this one's gonna be a christmas card

outward me: *looks at picture of one kid*

outward me: *looks at his two kids*

inner me: damn someone shows major favoritism

[inside-a-restaurant-slaves-mind]

tourist: will you come take a picture for us?

outward me: sure

outward me: *goes outside to find the party of 27 trying to get organized*

tourist 2: here this is the button you press to take the picture JAKE STOP MOVING if it turns off DARCY MOVE BACK OVER TO WHERE YOU WERE then press this button DOROTHY WHAT ARE YOU DOING

tourist 3: just press this button to take the picture hold it up a litle

tourist 4: SHE'S GOT A JOB YOU KNOW

tourist 2: SHE'S FINE I ASKED HER

outward me: *smiles*

inner me: jesus christ can i just go back inside

tourist 2: just take two or three pictures

outward me: *takes pictures*

inner me: heh she blinked and he was talking let's keep it the stupid idiots i do have a job i thought it was just one picture i need to charge for each picture i take that was six pictures total $120 plz

[inside-a-restaurant-slaves-mind]

outward me: (talking about tourist named kevin) what if they refused to sit down

major general cashier lady: then we would refuse to serve them

inner me: hot damn major general cashier lady is sassy tonight

[inside-a-restaurant-slaves-mind]

tourist named kevin: we have 11 people and we'd like to sit outside

outward me: alright we're going to have to split you into two back-to-back tables is that okay?

tourist named kevin's wife: we're a family we need to sit together

outward me and major general cashier lady: *go out to see if we can move the tables so they can sit together*

tables: lol nope it's not safe they can't get around us in case of fire

outward me: i'm sorry there's no way for us to get you at one table

outward me: *goes to seat them*

tourist named kevin: i don't see why we can't move these tables there's plenty of room

outward me: the waitress won't be able to get around the table to serve you i'm sorry

tourist named kevin: we can pass the food over

attitudinal superior-acting waitress lady: i'm sorry sir it's against fire code to pull those tables together

outward me: *pokerface*

inner me: oh my god shut the hell up we can't do anything you idiot i hope this place catches on fire and you all die you assholes

[inside-a-restaurant-slaves-mind]

vixensocks said: Has anyone ever been rude or an asshat to you?

outward me: pfft, naw, they must have reasons for being a little unpleasant~ *smiles*

inner me: oH MY GOD YOU HAVE NO IDEA THEY’RE SUCH ARGH I CAN’T EVEN

vixensocks said: Oh my gosh this is great. It’s you’re giving us your professionalism and then your Purging Instincts.

outward me: i am completely normal

inner me: MWAHAHAHA KILL THEM ALL

[inside-a-restaurant-slaves-mind]

stepmom: *yells at little sister for playing in toilet*

inner me: oh look my fries are cold

stepmom: *yells at little sister for not cleaning her room*

inner me: yuck this drink is gross i expected sweet tea

stepmom: *yells at little sister for not listening*

inner me: wish i asked for extra pickles

stepmom: *turns to get food*

outward me: *inhales food in less than 30 seconds*

stepmom: *turns to find me gone*

stepmom: wtf where'd she go did she use the vacuum to get rid of her food

[inside-a-restaurant-slaves-mind]

tourists: *dash through the door* two outside *continues walking*

outward me: wehavesomeextraitemsontheboardoverthere

inner me: STOP HALT WHAT ARE YOU DOING DO YOU NOT SEE THIS SIGN THAT SAYS PLEASE WAIT TO BE SEATED WE SAID PLEASE WE'RE TRYING TO BE NICE I WON'T BE SO NICE NEXT TIME

[inside-a-restaurant-slaves-mind]

tourist: *wearing a see-through shirt with no bra*

outward me: *pokerface*

inner me: what the everloving fuck it's cold in here and i dON'T NEED TO SEE THAT MUCH OF YOU JESUS

[inside-a-restaurant-slaves-mind]

awesomely cool blonde hostess/waitress lady: look at her makeup

outward me: *looks at kid that has a buttload of makeup on*

outward me: oh.

inner me: nice parenting mom you're teaching her early how to be a caked up slut

[inside-a-restaurant-slaves-mind]

Has anyone ever been rude or an asshat to you?

outward me: pfft, naw, they must have reasons for being a little unpleasant~ *smiles*

inner me: oH MY GOD YOU HAVE NO IDEA THEY'RE SUCH ARGH I CAN'T EVEN

[inside-a-restaurant-slaves-mind]

I am just wondering where you were for that last one? haha.

well, the one with uptight major general head hostess lady was at the back door at the pizza place thing, the one with big boss lady was in the mIDDLE OF THE DINING ROOM AT THE STEAK PLACE THING, and the one with amazingly amazing major general head waitress lady was at the front register at the steak place thing with major general cashier lady

[inside-a-restaurant-slaves-mind]

uptight major general head hostess lady: YOU'RE DISRESPECTFUL STOP QUESTIONING BIG BOSS LADY YOU'RE GREEDY DO MORE STUFF TALKING TO YOU IS LIKE TALKING TO A BRICK WALL

outward me: *nods with blank face* yes ma'am

big boss lady: *gets all up in my personal bubble* you need to wipe the seats i had to wipe one before a lady sat in it because it was wet

outward me: *nods and smiles* yes ma'am

outward me: *wipes breath condensation from ear after she's gone*

amazingly amazing major general head waitress lady: can you please wipe the edges of the tables and make sure you're getting them super clean when you're busing also please separate tables that have been pushed together thanks

outward me: *smiles and nods* yes ma'am

inner me: wtf it's like uptight major general hostess lady is my stepmom b/c she yells at me all the time big boss lady is the grandma that gives you smooshy wet gross kisses that you endure because she's old and amazingly amazing major general head waitress lady is my dad b/c he never yells at me just asks nicely this is weird send help

[inside-a-restaurant-slaves-mind]

awesomely cool blonde hostess/waitress lady: *writes "watsoon" instead of "watson" on waitlist*

outward me: watsoon? what the heckie

fangirl me: john watson's face on a typhoon

awesomely cool blonde hostess/waitress lady: john watson's face on a spoon

fangirl me: :D