This post is dedicated to a very special individual.
Someone who had the power to change the course of my entire life, based on my decision. He was a whirlwind to manage. He had the best hair and the best physical presence and intelligence, he was extremely Martian ruled and very boisterous, full of passion and blood and spatial intelligence. A beautiful beautiful being.
Now the Universe plays fair game (if you play a fair game) and I believe his purpose in life was to help me decide.
The timing was right and it was time for matriominal union. There was absolutely nothing wrong with either party. They both loved and cared for each other a lot, such that even in life and in death, their love for each other lived on.
In fact they had known each other for many lifetimes before. They had scores to settle and wunds to heal together. They were catalystic toward each other and needed each other to navigate life and its decisions.
The Universe then said, keep him. Keep him and immerse yourself into a struggle of a different kind. Leave behind all your comfort, leave behind everything comfortable that you know - your land, your roots and relations, and trust him to embark on a journey wehre you will be safe, cared for, well fed and loved.
OR
Or you decide to let go of this being,
Hold onto your comfort zone (the illusion of choice. The comfort and roots and land were to be taken away anyway, just postponing), hold onto the relations that enrich you and hold onto your understanding of peace for a little bit longer, and focus on your journey.
Focus on your journey, and become Martian ruled yourself. Become him, become the Universe, but do so in isolation and take a lot of time and effort to become a warrior.
& the choice tore me apart because I didn't even realise I was being maed to choose.
The choice tore me apart because inside me was a child who was wounded and had made many mistakes without learning.
Inside me this child had the power to upheave my entire adult life, throw tantrums and pout, because it was in distress, it didn't trust and was afraid to be abandoned.
The child did what it knew best. It struggled, it cried, it didn't feel good and often times, really hurt the Martian as well.
The child only knew what it came from, which was essentially, a home of other, more wounded children, none of who had learnt their lessons, and had recieved only transactional love. Unfortunately the child did not know any better.
Note from the author: and for this the child cannot be blamed, and for these actions the adult cannot regret the doings of the child. Herein lies the apathy of memory. Even if the child has made a mistake multiple times, in its misery it choose to self destruct yet another time.
The Martian eventually felt exhausted. He felt unloved, used, taken for granted, and he realised he didn't need to feel that way.
The Martian now decided it was time to leave.
This worked well with the child because the child wanted the same, but was always torn apart by trying to make that decision. The child wanted the same, but the love for the Martian always brought it back to the present, into a game of ever pushing and ever pulling.
The child was (And perhaps, is) far too weak for a decision like that, and far too weak to let go of the Martian support.
The Martian knew better and one day in the dead of the night, took his kettlebells and left.
The child in me now had a mission.
Living without the Martian was difficult enough, but now to become the Martian? A through and through underdog story.
While the work remains to be in progress (You cannot embody the Martian overnight), a major chunk of the debt has been paid to the Universe.
The debt was paid through isolation, through losing the comfort of the Martian, and simply through acquiring the strength of living alone.
And even though the child was emotionally and physically very weak, and an addict to external dopamine, the child let go.
This marked a major turning point in the life of the child.
A matrimony thus rejected, a way of life and a life path wholly condemned and hastily shortened to just two years.
The child acquired some newer wounds.
The child also missed the Martian, but understood that it had chosen for itself a tougher life, a life of difficulty, a life of Martian theme so heavily to be embedded within itself, that it hoped the memory of the Martian wouldn't even have time to re-surface.
But the Martian lived on as another wound in the child.
And today, I, absolute child-like and foolish, wish to grieve and soften these wounds.
Yes, the Martian was everything.
But he was not here to stay and love. He was here to teach me to be Martian.
And whoever here says Venus is the sole significator of passiona nd love, listen carefully, for without the crazy impulse of the Martian, there would be no seeds to sow, no activities to copy and no ideals to be set.
The Martian, in being himself had projected so much love which was so powerful, that it compelled the Universe to teach Venus that passion only works when used with wit, discipline, and good hardware.
I will always love the Martian, for instead of giving me himself, he taught me to meet myself, heal my wounds, and then fall in love with myself, thus, re-birthing the Martian in me.
No more now do I need to look back in anger or hurt.
I had my very own Martian brewing inside me, and very soon the Universe is going to offer me a choice, once again..
A revisit to Samui island
No matter what occurs to us, we must be brave enough to be accountable and own up. Karma siddhant.
The Martian continues to teach me now, even after departure. He was more Jupiterian in his ways that I know, I will forever hold him close and know deep in my heart that he was The One That Got Away.
Took me a long time to understand that I approached him with ego, and a sense of superiority, based off of nothing real.
It took me a long time to understand what he really meant when he called me selfish, but he continued to accept me the way I was, selflessly. He had a profound ability to love, I should know because I'm really difficult to love, and I made it even harder so, because I was hurting, yes, but also because I was not clear, coherent, assertive, or brave enough to speak my truth. It was because I had not yet learnt the importance of accountability, responsibility, and true connection and companionship. I hold him close to my heart because he has been one of my most important guides, and I mistook it for criticism, being harsh. Many times, justifyably so. I/m surprised it was not more frequent, I can be such a pain. You're always going to be a pain until you heal from what hurts you.
He also taught me some cool Martian skills, which I continue to hone and garner. Physical fitness, prowess and intelligence. Absolute gems. Every night I'm grateful for the knowledge, and all the sources of knowledge that I have been bestowed with.
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