Borderlineme

Come inside my borderline mind whilst I struggle with life —-L

[insidemyborderlinemind]

Giving up isn’t easy.

It’s fucking hard.

I’ve fought my hardest,

But I no longer can

[insidemyborderlinemind]

I’ve been absent.

It’s hard. I want to vent and get shit out but it hurts me physically to type so it’s just this never ending cycle.

I had a few better days recently, but I think I’m going to ale myself burn out. It just dawned on me that’s what I usually do.

I enrolled in an introductory psychology course that I start in July, I have only told my fiancé and we’re keeping it private until I finish it at this stage, I’ve tried studying in the past and have just been torn down time and time again and don’t want to deal with that this time so fingers crossed I can get through it

I registered for a business number for my candle business that I’m trying to get up and running, made my labels and sort of got my Facebook page for it on a roll. I’ve had wonderful friends share it around so hopefully it gets some traction soon, cause being broke all the time is hard, especially with a wedding to plan!

It’s hard suffering with chronic pain, having limitations and wanting to do so much more than you physically can.

—-L

[insidemyborderlinemind]

Another “I can’t do this every day for the rest of my life” kind of day.

My mental health has deteriorated so much with my pain.

It’s almost like my cats know I’m having a bad flare, being super cuddly and affectionate towards me, more so than usual.

All I want to do right now is some art, paint or sew, but I can’t move my wrists without it shooting pain all through me. Even typing this is a struggle.

It’s made me very angry this morning, the strength I have to keep at it feels like it’s fading, I’m exhausted.

[insidemyborderlinemind]

It’s been a rough few days.

My pain levels were so severe these last few days I hadn’t slept properly, every movement caused my pain to spike, I sat on the couch yesterday in tears constantly telling myself I can’t do this anymore.

A wonderful friend gave me a joint and I slept for 8 hours. Despite the fact I don’t feel well rested, I’m glad I slept longer then 2/4 hours.

Chronic pain and fatigue are horrendous and I am exhausted of this existence.

[insidemyborderlinemind]

I need a safe space to express the darkness that dwells within my heart, a place where no one knows me, where I feel safe and do not have to fear seeing how people react.

This used to be my safe space in the past. It will be again.

My name is irrelevant, but for the purpose of not feeling completely invisible, I shall simply be known as L.

I am a diagnosed borderline beauty, a quiet one at that, who also suffers from sever chronic widespread pain, yet to be diagnosed although it’s suspected to be fibromyalgia. My life has been turned upside down and the grief of it all has left me in a dark hole I’ve not been able to climb out of.

I’m fighting hard to not act on Ill thoughts of destructive needs. My heart is heavy and aching and I do not feel much like myself.

I don’t really have anyone I could call a solid friend, I am very much alone in the friend department so if anyone wants to be a friend, someone to talk to could definitely lighten the load within me.

I am engaged, the dark and grieving side of me wants him to leave me to make leaving this world possible and easier, the part that’s still holding onto hope isn’t letting that happen.

Life has kicked me one to many times lately and I’m struggling. I’ve been invalidated my entire life with my thoughts and feelings and now I’m finally sitting in how I feel and letting it all out, I can’t stop crying and I have this darkness clouding me, my anxiety is making me suffer greatly and all of this seems to make my pain flare.

I’m 27. And my life has his a standstill where nothing is going to change, I’m broke and struggling financially, my body doesn’t allow me to do basic things, I sometimes have to have my fiancé shower me and dress me as I physically can’t, I can’t work and my hobbies are slipping from my grasp, unless I have drugs, illegal or legal, I don’t have much going for me, I’m bored and craving a life I can’t have and it’s destroying my soul.

I make candles from time to time, when my pain is bearable and the darkness isn’t so heavy, they smell amazing, they aren’t perfect, but they smell so good, so if anyone wants one, I’d gladly sell some to try earn some money so I can maybe stop existing and start living again.

I’ve had pain relief today and it’s starting to make me drowsy, so I believe I’ll post again tomorrow, for now I am going to lay under my weighted blanket and dream of better tomorrow’s.

—- L