Everything Everywhere

Lets be controversial

[insidethemindmyself]

For once in my job I wanted to walk out today. I wanted to never need to step foot in there again, you know why I didn't?

I don't have the finance behind me not too. Some people might say, well thats not a reason to stay, you would be correct Mr Speaker. I didn't leave because I worked with awesome people and what I do I believe can really help people re-start their lives.

I work at the bottom of a job that realistically I wasn't meant to be in, but I ended up in. It's humbling starting at the bottom because you meet the most amazing people, you learn the job from scratch and even i decide to go upwards, I know who I can rely on.

Now back to the reason I wanted to walk out, I do night time work sometimes, when I say sometimes I mean every week, myself and another colleague have worked all throughout covid working in the office 5 fay's a week when no one else did. We did every late night, took on every task that was handed or delighted to us and smiled throughout. We are abused, screamed at and pulled down everyday, yet we still carry on. How did they repay us? HA! THEY DIDNT. No pay rises, no help, no offer for us to take a break whilst someone else does our job, nope. We get more to do. Now I'll take my fair share of work, but this time I had plans and it wasn't my time to do the night time, oh well. I was told, beating back and forth about its because leave was based this way. Nope. Not my fault, I refused, but yet. I still have too I even got asked. What plans do you have?.. I'm outside my working hours.. none of your business.

This. This was the point I decided no more, i will stay at my job but I have now gotten the energy to put myself first. I will no longer but my heart and soul into that job because they lost it. I will however put my heart and soul into my film travel blog to create my destination instead of having it written for me. No longer will I allow myself to be told when I can my holidays or a day off.

I refuse to let anyone run my life anymore. I refuse to let someone make me feel so dam angry and upset that I felt today.

I refuse to be abused and let down time and time again. I refuse to be miserable at a job because I cannot financially provide for myself with out it.

It's time to really get my business off the ground and work for myself.

I know I can do this, and I'm determined to do this.

I am financially free, socially free and mindfully free.

[insidethemindmyself]

I have been so muddled.

I have been on my spiritual journey for quite a while now, whilst i am still learning how to remove all those negative comments and thoughts inside my head, its been a hard journey which i doubt ill ever move away from. 

I have mediated everyday, read different thoughts and opinions on how to be indirectly a better person, but more so, how to manifest everything into my life that i should have been on in the first place. i have been thinking alot and found i actually have alot of negative energy that has build up in my sub concious. 

I still find to this day that i struggle with negative thoughts, alot of it to do with i am a very “right here right now” kind of person, and thats one thing i need to let go of, i have realised i have this constant thought and worry that “time is running out”, because of society! believe it or not, somewhere deep down we have realised that much of our ourselfs is created through what has happened in our lifes as children. I’m 26 years old with a masters degree, no boyfriend in a low paid job and live with my mum, at the same time i get the “when are you getting a boyfriend, settling down? having a family?” - mm WHEN IM GOOD AND READY! to be told “if you leave it too late you dont be able to have a family” ...thanks. Dont get me wrong, i would love to have a family of my own, but right now i’m 26 and haven’t even established my life yet, before giving birth to another. I haven’t found the right guy who shares my joy and ambition. I

I realise i sound like i’m lagging behind in life, but i sorely believe that my sucess will come when its supposed to come and by forcing it, it sends a desperation vibe and the universe doesn’t respond to that. I might not be in the career i have always dreamed of and jetting around the world with it, for my perfect partner to be right by my side. I am right were i am supposed to be in life, something is teaching me a lesson to get ready for the next chapter, its teaching me to be patient and empathetic.

Everyday is a new challenge. I am willing to take on the challenge.

[insidethemindmyself]

Its day 4 of my lets say “awakening” i’ve been reading the magic, again its by Rhonda Byrne. I wanted to show what this has done for my life. 

Firstly, i have taken this seriously because i want to create the abundence i deserve, i no longer wanted to feel deflated or down on my luck, i want to be able to create my own future. I am grateful for all that i have now and all i have so far recieved from the universe, however i want to push this, i read a chapter each night and start again in the morning. I write down my 10 things i am grateful for first thing every morning, i then follow the next steps for that day. So far i have completed, graitude for my health, my relationships and now the money i had recieved growing up. 

I’ll tell you one thing, this has utterly changed my life, i have not only taken inspiration from this book to change my life through the different steps of this book, i have also learned to take inspiration in my life. I have a deep passion for film tourism, taken from my BA in Tourism many years ago and one thing i utterly took too was film tourism. I feel so inspired by what a televison or series has created and how they created it in a background, and how economically benefical it is so some places that enhanced tourism could change a locals way of life. I never thought in a million years i would create a blog, let alone pay for the web domain or premium features of a blog. The magic has allowed me to create a future dream and this is something i will be forever grateful for, because without being able to look into myself and what i could create i would never have thought in a million years to do something this this. 

if you wanted to support me or learn something new: head over to my live website from 12 March 2021 - www.travelfilmable.co.uk 

[insidethemindmyself]

Greatful

In life you like myself take everything for granted, and its dawned on me this is not good energy, to have good energy means to be thankful. 

To be thankful for the universe for giving all that you have recieved, in my case i have only just started my journey for giving thanks everyday multiple times a day, i wish i had started my journey sooner, because in life everything is worthy to be thankful for. 

I recently went to visit my grandmother to get her some products as she is now house bound, especially due to the covid-19 pandemic, instead of my usual driving antics, i walked. I’m so glad i did because walking gave me the time and space to think about what i am most greateful for, and on the way i could give thanks for everything, the use of my legs, ability to walk without danger and most of all the ability to be able to visit my grandmother. Strangely i thought instead of listening to music, ill listen to a pod cast, i decided greatefulness to prolong my gratitude for that day, i came across “The school of Greatness” by Lewis Howes, i was immediately inspired, my thought process suddently changed by what his man was saying i was in a negative loop whereby i needed to change my thoughts to a positive loop and be happy and greatful for everything i have recieved in life. Yes, everybody always wants more than they have, but have you ever stopped to think WHAT you already have you should be satisfied with whilst working hard to give yourself a better future? no. neither did i. 

Listening to this podcast on my little walk, i thought to myself i seriously want to much in my life and all i am doing is acting “desperate and needy” to the universe, and that is not positive energy, its negative. So, immediately i changed my thinking, instead of thinking what i want out of life. I thought, what do i have already in my life that makes me a “human” which makes me happy and satisfied, so heres my list. 

I am greatful for; 

1) Having my only parent still around, working hard for her family and still loving her kids like the day we were born.

2) My health, without it i would not have been able to leave the house let alone be able to walk to help my grandmother, my legs for walking, my hands and fingers for touching people, my ears for hearing the beautiful sounds of the world and my taste to experience the flavours of food & drink.

3) My Grandmother, having her still around - i am so greatful because i lost my grandfather 10 years ago, and i still miss him everyday and wish i could see and speak to him everyday more than i used too. 

4) My home, without it i would be living on the streets, it keeps me warm and sheltered and safe. 

5) Gas, Electric and Water, without it i would not be able to survive.

6) Clothing, having the ability to buy myself and wear comfortable and lovely clothes everyday.

7) Food & Water, without them we would literally die, i cannot express how greatful i am for these two essentail things. 

8) My Job, although it was i ended up doing, I am greatful to have a secure job, one that pays every month, enables me to save for a house and pay for my bills. 

9) Money, I am greatful and satisfied with the amount of money i recieve every month to enable me to buy what i want, and save up for my future. 

10) My Car, fully paid off due to saving and working hard, it enables me to get to my job, and travel. most of all it gives me independence. 

These are only a few of things i am greatful for, because everything in life we should be greatful for, even the very little. We should be happy with what we have recieved before asking for anything more, human kind has became very gross and ridiculously selfish. I was once part of that but now my eyes have been opened to what the possiblities to life really are. 

[insidethemindmyself]

I have been reading “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne for a couple of years now, on and off. I am the most sceptical person going and didn’t really buy into the whole change your mind set, give gratiute and you’ll recieve abundence. I’ve always been brought up with the sense of - Work hard and you’ll get what you achieve mindset, which gave me a great work ethic if anything, especially being a millenital in the world that clearly you have to fight for everything you get. 

Moving on, i worked hard - meaning i got my ass through university clearing my Bacholours degree and Masters degree, my thinking at this point was that,  i would get my dream job from this, working in consultancy in my chosen field, but sadly not, i work in an 9-5 job that i never thought i’d ever work in, i sit at a desk and type and oh i get screamed at.. alot. Doesn’t sound that great does it? but i’ll tell you what, its not the most glamourous job in the world, but i have a secure job, i am greatful for having a secure job. I also have a set amount of holidays every year that can be taken whenever i want - within reason obviously. Again i am greatful for this as most don’t have this privledge around the world, and finally i have a secure amount of money that comes in every month without fail which i cannot and will not ever take for granted because it is allowing me not only to pay my bills every month, it also allows me to go out with my friends - Not in lockdown, buy myself whatever i want and most importantly, it has enabled me to save up quickly for my own house! 

I believe this was the path laid out for me because of my negative beliefs in life, i had never really thought about if i deserved abundence, if i deserved to have a healthy relationship with a man or an endless amount of money because it wasn’t something that was placed in front of me. I sought out this priviledge to teach me how to be greatful to the universe for all that i have been given, the mindset i have is changing slightly, i listen to the universe guide me to what i should feel for what i have. Think about it, take alook around you, what do you have that others don’t? are you lucky to have a bed to sleep in? be greatful, have you got gas, electric and water to warm, feed and bathe you? be greatful others dont. Do you have a tv you can just watch, sky, now tv, netflix ect? BE GREATFUL because not everyone has that. - This thought took me a while to actually think about because realistically others may have more than what i have, but i also have more than others have, and i should and am greatful for everything my parent has provided me with, or what i have achieved in my life. 

Without changing your mindset, the universe will give you what you think, i am constantly trying to change this to seek the abundence i am worthy of, i just have to feel myself again because the old me without all of lifes negativity i have brought to myself. 

[insidethemindmyself]

A day in the mind

I suffer alot. I had a lovely childhood with a working class mum doing her best and an absent father but i still suffer, especially with high functioning anxiety and depression, when the depression hits...i’m bearly functioning. Now bare in mind here i work full time at the office and due to lockdown has made it worse. 

As part of my high functioning anxiety i talk alot when im stressed, and to be honest i don’t realise, i’m a very out spoken person as it is and probably not the best in the job that i do, but when i’m passionate about something i do it, this also can cause serious issues in how people treat / look at me. I also find it hard to say no, but when i do i feel people hate me or are talking about me because of it and it makes me feel so bloody guilty! i cannot help but wonder why this happened since i wasn’t subjected to abuse, only that of a broken family which many are involved in. I try to not let it affect me but sometimes it hits very hard and my emotions get so far that i end up stupidly angry and cry. Thats not the sort of person i am, i’m usually happy go lucky, don’t really care about what people say about me, but when my mental health problems come into play, thats it. I find it troubling how people react to me, and i get worried that people won’t see me as who i am. 

Mental Health can be used as an excuse for numerous of reasons and most that claim they have them, don’t and those who do don’t get the nessessary care or understanding that they deserve. Myself i find this alot, even my bestfriends have given up on inviting me places because its usually when i am at my worse, needless to say its lockdown and we shouldn’t even be breaking the rules! but they no longer message and ask me to do something, or if i say “i’ve been in bed all day, and i cannot get out to do this” i get the response “well thats not good, you need to get up. Please understand that i cannot just “GET UP” i cannot just “SNAP MYSELF” out of this. Its here until it goes away. 

In the meantime i am grateful for the life i have, i’m lucky enough to stay at home whilst saving for my own house, looking for a new job that i have got my degrees in and have a paid off car, but sometimes i feel i’m not around the right people and struggle for this, because i only have a small number of selected friends that have the interests as i do, or will understand if i don’t reply for days on end, simply not because i don’t want to, but because I CANNOT bring myself to pick my phone up. 

This isn’t a pitty post, its a post that i needed to write to make sense of things in my own head. Writing is definetely a great relief for me.