Theodore Angst Theodore Angst
I remember a time when I naively believed my life could be simpler. I was just a man, managing an office, the boss. Everything was innocuous, in its place. I could smile without it seeming forced, without having to think about whether it was appropriate or not. I could laugh, joke, without any ulterior motive, even knowing it was a lie.
Even back then, years earlier, I already had to lie, to conceal. I was chosen because I was good at it. Some would even say it was second nature to me. I managed the surface of this corporate facade, the part that didn't need to be hidden from the world. Sometimes, I was also asked to stay in the evenings, where the true nature takes shape. I juggled the two like changing a pair of shoes.
It's ironic. I thought I was capable of maintaining this charade. Yet, I made a fatal mistake. One of my employees had set a trap for me. I let myself be fooled by false kindness. How could someone like him be interested in someone like me? My suspicions had been there, but that foolish curiosity proved stronger. So, I let him into my life.
I remember that look. How could I have forgotten it? That man had seen too much. I don't know how. I thought I'd been careful. Yet, it was obvious. He always saw too much. More than I wanted to show. Sharing my life with him, ridiculous, I should have known. I'm the one who deluded myself.
Yet, it wasn't anger, nor even disgust. Nothing like that. It was much worse than that. More unsettling, too. In that look… there was that… sadness. Horribly sincere. Hidden beneath this feigned incomprehension, this refusal to understand. I knew deep down that he would have preferred, at that moment, that I revert to my old ways. Justifying myself. Told him that what he had seen was just a misunderstanding. I couldn't. Not with him. Especially not with him.
It would have been more logical for me. But this man was able of seeing right through. I could construct the strongest wall, the most convincing mask, and he still managed to tell I wasn't well. I'm horribly aware of why I couldn't lie to him. Of why, at that moment, I couldn't even resist the urge to tell him the truth.
The whole truth. Unfiltered.
Like a valve just waiting for it.
The way his features contorted. The way he suddenly punch me. I expected it, I took it. It should have hurt. The blow didn't even make me back away. Even in that outburst of violence, he refused to hurt me. I would have deserved it. I would have preferred it. He was supposed to hate me. Insult me. Realize that all this time, I'd been toying with him. I closed my eyes, waited for another blow. Which never came. My breath came in short gasps. This silence was far worse.
I was losing him. This realization shouldn't have scared me so much. Everything we had built. Collapsed in a single evening. At least, that's what should have happened. Seized the opportunity to cut ties. Laughed it off, said it was planned from the start. That all I wanted was to hurt him. Of course I couldn't. Not with him. I couldn't lie.
I hate remembering what I did next. How I fell to my knees. How ugly I must have been. Unworthy. Childish. Crying, over so little? Begging him? Seriously? Asking not to leave? Not to abandon me? The worst part. The worst thing is what I confessed afterward. It shouldn't have happened. It didn't make sense. I loved him. Oh, so painfully. My hands grabbed his. My eyes refused to meet his. He had no right to see me like that. So… vulnerable. So terrified. Disgusting. It makes me sick to think about it. He should have been sick too. Makes more sense. It would have been so much better for both of us.
I didn't deserve him. Especially not at that moment. His hands lifting my face. His eyes so tender. How could he look at me with so much… That idiot. After everything I'd told him. Despite everything. To tell me that deep down he knew. That he suspected. That deep down, he wasn't surprised. That truth should have created a chasm between us.
I told him I loved him.
Looking him straight in the eyes.
It makes me sick to think about it.
That… way… his thumbs dried my tears. How he so naturally told me he knew too. That he… loved me too. That he understood. Absurd. Pretending to understand me? Those words shouldn't have had that effect on me. Relieved me so much. Lifted a weight off my shoulders. Distrusting this man was impossible. I simply couldn't. That sincerity. No one can fake it.
He smiled at me. As if a smile could fix everything. For a brief moment, I believed him. I wasn't afraid. He helped me to my feet. Our eyes met. I kissed him. On impulse. His arms embraced me. His breath. His skin. His scent. Even after all these years, I can't forget these sensations. He deserved so much better than me. He deserved such a better declaration. He deserved such a better life.
I offered him that way out. That plane ticket. It was for the best. It was the right thing to do. He had to build his life elsewhere. I couldn't do otherwise. He's safer. As far away from me as possible. A logical choice.
The promise that I would join him. Did he believe me? Was he surprised that I didn't come? Would he have begged me? No. He was always the more mature of the two of us. He probably understood. We had tried, in vain, for two years… to maintain a relationship that shouldn't have existed. It wasn't healthy. He always gave more than I could. I was still hiding stuff from him.
My parents found out. It was the final straw.
They probably know that I didn't do it.
Not the way they so clearly asked.
This damn body. Still so unpredictable. I feel tears welling up in my eyes. I slam my fist against my desk. I startle myself. I wipe my face. I pull at my sleeves. I straighten up. I adjust my tie. I look at the plane ticket. I've stuck it to the mirror frame. A reminder. Of the choice I made. Knowingly. I don't regret it. I did what I had to do.
I even showed great leniency. Many silence those who know too much. Permanently. I know him well enough to know that wasn't necessary. I didn't reject this alternative life; I wasn't afraid of the consequences. The idea that I would have being hunted, that simply being in his presence put him in danger. It's just a fleeting thought. A thought that shouldn't even exist.
I chose to stay. This relationship couldn't last. I ended it. My family built this life for me. To waste their efforts because of a silly love affair? Unthinkable. I'm worth more than that. I didn't love him. Not enough to betray who I am. Love is just an obstacle. That influences judgment. I can't allow that.
That's it. I avoided the worst. He won't come back.
Because he knows it's better for both of us.
My emotions won't prevail over reason. I observe my reflection. The impassive, cold expression. The image that represents me best. Who I truly am. No one else will have the right to see beyond what I choose to show. Never again.
