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As A Writer

I weave through strings of words

Crafting an intricate pattern,

Built from the bottom of my heart,

In a place more home than you.

Despite the passion guiding me,

Sometimes I lose myself

Amidst phrases so dense

With parts of me.

Hidden deep within,

I wish for something selfishly

At the cost of my being

Intertwined amongst the letters:

If I could write one last story,

It would be one of our friendship

Where I erase the scenes

I fell in love with you.

#vent #writing #thoughts #poem #unrequited love

maybe if my flesh is full of glass

will i finally love myself

#vent #thoughts

"I don't want to let go," she whispered so that only he would hear. She tightened her arms around him as if afraid he would slip away between her fingers.

"Why not?" Despite asking, he pulled her closer. The bastard knew exactly why she didn't want to let go—he just wanted to hear it for himself.

"If I do–" She hid her face in his chest, burning red. "You'll leave. You might not be here next year, and I don't know when I'll see you again."

Hesitantly, he stroked her head in comfort. His touch lifted a weight off her shoulders and she melted into his caresses, but it did nothing to soothe the fear in her heart.

"We'll meet over the summer. I'm not leaving forever."

"You might as well be." Her reply was quick. She was afraid he would hear her voice break.

"Well, I'm not, don't worry. We can still talk every day and call."

Although the reassurance was welcomed, she still shook her head.

"I don't want to not see you again."

"We can video call."

She slammed her fist into his back, eliciting a grunt out of him. With a sad laugh, she muttered: "It's not the same, idiot. I'll miss you."

Silence.

"I'll miss you too," he whispered. "And we really can see each other again, don't worry.

"How can you be so sure?"

"I'll come over myself if I have to."

She laughed, allowing the brief humor to overpower her heartache. "You should have said so sooner. We could have hung out more if that was the case."

"Yes, you're right." He continued to soothe her with gentle movements.

With no words left to say, he waited for her to let go. Since this was possibly their last meeting for a long time to come, they wanted to savor it for a while longer.

"We're friends, right?"

He paused momentarily, stunned. He hadn’t expected that question to come out, and not certainly at a moment like this.

Of course they were friends. They have been closer than ever for quite some time already, and have gone through a lot in their friendship. They're so incorporated into each other's daily routines that it would feel like they were missing their other half if they stayed apart.

"Yes, we're friends. Of course we are." He reassured her as soon as he recovered from his stupor. "Why do you ask?"

She didn't answer. Her arms fell slack to his waist as she finally looked up into his eyes.

Her wide eyes held incomprehensible emotions. Deep within was a sorrow that had always been masked with the way she smiled until her eyes were crescents. He could see beyond those eyes now where she fought with herself, and the way her eyebrows twitched as if holding back from something.

She suddenly turned her head until her cheek rested on his chest, hiding her eyes from him as she could feel the way he searched through her mind. It made her uncomfortable to be perceived so deeply in such a vulnerable state.

"Just friends?"

Quietly, she waited for his answer.

It was a bit selfish to ask him after ignoring his question. Still, she waited. Closing her eyes and listening to his heartbeat, she realized how abnormally calm he always was.

She admired that trait of his. No matter what, he always kept his head clear and his thoughts coherent. He controlled his panic at times one would lose themselves, and kept his composure well under pressure.

However, this time, his heart was beating almost as fast as hers—her heart that had always pumped the blood in her body at a pace appropriate for a life or death situation. She was worried he might explode since he wasn't used to such a heart rate like she was.

After many heartbeats, she wondered if the question she asked was too much and if she was getting ahead of herself by asking such a thing.

Of course they were friends. It was well-established when they began their friendship, and even more emphasized after she confessed. She had no right to question him further after he had specified many months ago.

She felt him run his hand in small circles around her back with a gentleness reserved for fragility.

"Just friends."

Keeping his emotions under lock and throwing the key away, he finally answered. His voice was reserved, but she could hear the resignation.

She had stepped too far.

With a crescent-eyed smile, she let go and backed away. Not looking into his eyes, she patted him gently as a farewell like she always did.

"I'm glad we're friends, then."

#unrequited love #vent #writing

i wish it was as easy as saying im willing to improve and work on it but it really isnt

just experiencing something like this really hurts me and its something i find difficult to get through especially when it feels like im alone

maybe im too dependent on people and yes i am working on it but how can i work on so many issues at once when going through one thing sends me into a spiral that makes me feel like im losing myself if theres nothing to ground me

and as much as i hate myself for this it just so happens that i seek comfort through other people because clearly my own thoughts and my judgement are so clouded and prejudiced against myself

so how can i just trust myself to improve all on my own? if anything i might lose it even more

#vent

i know. please dont tell me things i know or how to fix it because those words do nothing when im drowning. you dont tell a drowning person "just swim" or "you're drowning" because i know that very well. i know i'm drowning, i understand that, i process that; but even so, is it so wrong for me to want to breathe? telling me im drowning doesnt help me because im so focused on trying to stay alive—it doesnt matter if im aware of my struggle or not because im too busy trying to live. a drowning person does not care about anything other than wanting air.

#thoughts #vent

i'll always understand. it's okay if you're busy, it's okay if you're tired, it's okay if you're upset or angry, it's okay if you feel like nothing is going right. i'm here for you, and i always will be. you're never alone and i will always do my best to understand you.

yet, when i'm upset, where do you go?

are my feelings not validating enough for you to warrant your comfort? did you have to invalidate me like this?

but it's okay. you don't owe me anything, and i understand.

#thoughts

i feel too strongly

#thoughts

quotefeeling

“I hope you fall in love with someone who never lets you fall asleep thinking you’re unwanted.”

— Unknown

doyouknowwhatimeme

thatsbelievable

insopnia

im just-ing a bit too hard tonight

i worry im not good enough. the people i love and care for are too good, to the point where i think they deserve sm better than what i can give. it doesnt matter how much i love them because at that point it isnt good enough for them.

my best friend deserves a friend who can love her sm more than i can. no matter how much i support her, it wont be enough for someone as amazing as her. i want to be someone brave for her, someone she can trust—and i believe i am, but i wish i could give her sm more than that as well because she is just the loveliest person ive ever and will know.

the friend i have feelings for deserves someone better in general. i cant even begin to describe how amazing he is, but i know im not enough when it comes to the romance department. i barely get by platonically, how could i ever think romance was an option for me? im not the type of person someone would fall in love with.

they both mean sm to me. but i worry they dont think the same because they know im not good enough. and i know that they could meet and get along with better people than me. someone more competent, responsible, funnier, more attractive, friendlier.

there are so many admirable traits i lack, so i could never be enough for such wonderful people. i always feel blessed around them, but they deserve so much better than me.

but at the same time, they might wonder "why her?" and they may not have an answer. when that happens, i fear being selfish enough to pray they stay.

#thoughts #late night thoughts