Ai Try

She/They/He(???) Hobby Blog. Some journaling. Most of it is just a constant work in progress. Hoping to make others feel a little less alone.

[intermediatewannabe]

This all started because I had ONE idea (Twisted Wonderland fanfiction) and wanted to post it somewhere. Maybe it’ll actually become a thing I do.

Hi! You can call me Ai! I’m just here to try my hand at writing. Maybe I’ll be good at it. Maybe not. Feel free to give me comments on my work! I don’t know how much I’ll end up writing, but I’m hoping to surprise myself!

Collection: “Best Burned Thoughts: Branded in My Mind”

TWST fanfics:

Yuu Makes Azul Blush

A Series of Coincidences

A 17th Surprise

[intermediatewannabe]

As an homage to an AMV that has affected my top 10s in two categories, I made this one for the amazing digital circus.

[intermediatewannabe]

A 17th Surprise

A Twisted Wonderland Fanfiction

Finally have a new fanfic out!!

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

[moethh]

die die die

[lycosofscribes]

It's a pain in the ass, but it's my pain in the ass!

[intermediatewannabe]

Held Up By...

*Will attach the concept art in a reblog

Collection: “Best Burned Thoughts: Branded in My Mind”

End Notes

Finally finishing up my multimedia piece I have been dreaming up for a long time. I have always joked that in the first stages of liking someone, it feels like it takes less effort for me to hold myself up. Not that it is terribly hard, but being in love and in crush makes it feel like there is less pressure on my chest. I wanted to explore this topic further in relation to my first real relationship. Thus, this piece was born. I am really proud of it. There have been a ton of ways I have planned for it and put it together, and it really cool to have gotten to this point.

[intermediatewannabe]

Concept Art and Ideas

It all started with a stamp:

That then turned into a trial

And then into a full blown idea

It got more and more specific and then I made it digital

And then I did a trial run

Which then lead to the final above!

So many iterations and so many design changes made on the fly. It was a fantastic process for me. Still the same themes just with different practicality once updating the medium.

I ended up using:

A Stamp carving Kit

The stamp I made from that carving kit

Ink

Five below Canvases

Five Below Goauche Paint

Pipe cleaners

Salt water (to create the frozen effect)

Hot Glue Gun

String Lights

Little inflatable tube man

Scissors

Calligraphy Pen and Ink

Safety Pins

I am really proud of it.

[intermediatewannabe]

Held Up By...

*Will attach the concept art in a reblog

Collection: “Best Burned Thoughts: Branded in My Mind”

End Notes

Finally finishing up my multimedia piece I have been dreaming up for a long time. I have always joked that in the first stages of liking someone, it feels like it takes less effort for me to hold myself up. Not that it is terribly hard, but being in love and in crush makes it feel like there is less pressure on my chest. I wanted to explore this topic further in relation to my first real relationship. Thus, this piece was born. I am really proud of it. There have been a ton of ways I have planned for it and put it together, and it really cool to have gotten to this point.

[intermediatewannabe]

When They Have a Toothpick for a Spine

When they have a toothpick for a spine,

you know you could snap it.

It provides a sense of safety.

They cannot hurt you...

Or so you thought.

When they have a toothpick for a spine,

as they run away from their problems

you see it gouging their very soul:

The one you have fallen for.

You watch as it tears them apart.

A shit foundation for self worth and relationships.

Reactive: only poking at visible debris and never dealing with the bigger issues.

After being sharpened on them, it pierces you.

You retreat

and build yourself a better spine.

Collection: “Best Burned Thoughts: Branded in My Mind”

End Notes

Shit is hard. Growing is hard. Wanting better for others is hard. And I deserve to protect myself and learn and grow. I hope they can too.

[formerlyluckymanticore]

Reblog if you will never. Ever. Use AI in your writing.

[chaos-ducks]

Absolutely never.

[intermediatewannabe]

Poems?

I remember

the brush of our lips

our embrace

after discovering we both

had records titled "Poems?"

A google doc

An apple note

Both asking permission

for validation

about authenticity and

power.

Both discussed previous experiences:

One of a partner

One of loneliness.

For me, a fossil record of

times of uncertainty.

For you, a title of today.

I still think "Poems?"

but I do not ask anymore.

I change my document name today.

When you do,

I would like to be your friend.

Collection: “Best Burned Thoughts: Branded in My Mind”

End Notes

The want to be friends continues, but reflections on why we first connected led me to realize I need to believe in myself more. To stop asking for permission and to just state. Easier said than done irl, but at least in this small quieter way, I was able to grow.

[intermediatewannabe]

Waiting:

Watching you run, friend or partner in hand,

Hurt me deeply.

A wound unfurled along with

insecurities.

I still wonder if I am

demonized in your eyes

and I pull the chain to that train of thought back up from

the well of my mind.

I could go on forever. Never

reaching the water.

Less of a well and more of

a donut, my worries cycle over and over.

But

I am loved

I am seen

and so are you.

I wish us both well

waiting for you to think that too.

Collection: “Best Burned Thoughts: Branded in My Mind”

End Notes

Sometimes, we wish the people we used to know well and wish they could know that we think of them fondly.

[intermediatewannabe]

[intermediatewannabe]

Collection: “Best Burned Thoughts: Branded in My Mind”

End Notes

Feelings of lingering hope that we could connect someday still flow through me

[intermediatewannabe]

Took me way too long to post this, but I finally posted another short fanfic on AO3.

Based on experiences from a few summers ago, I thought I’d plop the blorbos in the mental blender and have a go.

[intermediatewannabe]

Dear [First Love],

You may never read this. You might get this letter and throw it away. That’s alright. It’s a selfish letter anyways. 

Over the past month, I’ve struggled with parsing the ending of our relationship. I felt like I had exploded out of nowhere, but I hadn’t. I was picking up the signs. Some subtle some not. 

I’ve been very torn over how I feel about it and you. Sadness, anger, confusion, but at the end of the day, I land at “Love.”

I don’t believe you when you said love would not make me feel this way. I think that’s exactly what love would do. Love is not linear. Love is not easy. But love you I do. 

That “in love” lie I spouted was a porcupine tactic. It worked. Much too well. I just wanted you to want the relationship. But I knew you didn’t anymore. And that’s okay. I’m sorry I didn’t make you feel safe enough to truly reveal that. 

During our last encounter, I said you deserve the world and I mean it. I don’t think I fit into that world very well, but you deserve it. I have a feeling you didn’t feel as strongly as I did you and that’s alright. I just hope that for the day you do find someone to make you excited to do those sappy relationship things again (if it’s what you want), they reciprocate and ignite enhance that fire in you. It shouldn’t be a chore. I could tell it felt like a chore with me at the end. 

Your mom was probably right. I am “too clingy”. But I know I have high energy now. You taught me about myself and the world, and I’m so grateful.  

And you’re right, I’ll find love again. I find it in little ways every day with the world around me. I hate that you called it “better”. But also, I hope you can also find better for yourself. Again, you deserve it. You deserve to be loved in a way that’s conducive to your success. Don’t be scared to fight for them. They will fight for you in turn.

I absolutely do believe we met each other at the right time. There were so many magical moments and coincidences. Example: your last day at [Old Job Company Name]. I was running “late” that day to work and JUST missed my normal train. I was kicking myself emotionally. But, when I got off at the train station, there you were. Bright, shiny, and hopeful. That hug changed my entire day. 

If universal power and fate and chance is real, it WANTED us to meet. And I am so thankful to have had the honor to meet you and know you. Thank you for being a part of my journey. I truly would do it all again. 

I know we can probably not be friends, I yearn for it, but I also know it’d probably just hurt you. However, know, wherever you are, you have a (not so) cosmic cheerleader rooting for your success. 

If you ever need any support in the case of an emergency, I’m a social media post or text away.

You are loved so much by your friends, your family, and even myself. I am hurt but I am healing. I hope you are too. 

Endless love for you, your dreams, and our little universe. 

Intermediate Wannabe

Collection: “Best Burned Thoughts: Branded in My Mind”

End Notes

I did actually end up writing this out and putting it in a little brown envelope in case I saw him again. I even made a wax seal with our colors representing our relationship. I did not see him again when I thought I did. And I have stopped carrying that letter around.

But I hope, whatever side of this letter you would be on, you feel seen and validated. Sometimes, two people who are wonderful are not wonderful together. At least not as they are right now. Maybe they could be in the future. Maybe they wouldn't. But that is not for us to know.

I hope whoever is reading this knows they are lovable. Because you are inherently. Strive to love yourself and be the person you want to be.

[intermediatewannabe]

The Tug of War

I know love and hate are not opposites

Apathy is their opposite

But what does one do when they feel both love and hate. 

Apathy is letting go of the rope. An easier way to go. 

Both love and hate tug on my heart and stretch it out. 

Strings of putty waiting to snap from being separated too far

Would apathy help? Or would it only be a lie. 

Another pull, and I worry I will shatter.

Collection: “Best Burned Thoughts: Branded in My Mind”

End Notes

I was really struggling at this point

[intermediatewannabe]

Bittersweet but Oh So Bitter

I should have known

It was not working

When I became afraid to write poetry about us

Instead of how you filled me up

It would have been about me tiptoe-ing on eggshells

To avoid anger

To avoid making things worse

If I compress myself down and help and help and help

Maybe I can salvage what is the debris of this relationship

I am holding together with a dustpan called my arms. 

At some point, it’s going to overflow. 

And it did. 

Now, I write in earnest. 

I write because the fear has come to pass. Manifesting already happened. 

And now I am angry. At you. At myself. 

And yet. Love you I do. Or at least the image I had of you months ago. Yet also the image from when you were struggling

I must learn to love myself the way I love you. 

Collection: “Best Burned Thoughts: Branded in My Mind”

End Notes

Since this was my first true breakup, I had never really known how I would respond. I was surprised to find so much love within me for my ex. To be fair, part of the reason we were together was because we had a lot of similarities (though we most certainly had our differences as well). I still think about him and want him to succeed. I just know it cannot be with me. And I am coming to terms with that.

[intermediatewannabe]

Us vs Them

A breakup.

A catalyst for something new.

And here I am thinking of you

Hoping you are taken care of

Wanting the best for you

For your dreams to come true

And here I am wasting my time

I cannot change a thing.

I share my complex feelings about you with others

I get told I can do better

I resent that. I can, 

but so can you. 

They say “I can beat them up for you.”

And I respond, “They have been through enough.”

“That’s a lie. They gaslit you.”

No family friend, they didn’t. They’re just a person, 

just like me.

Another friend says,

“They look just like all of the others. You can find that again.”

But they’re wrong. No one else will be you. 

Nor should they be. 

Even though we are all patterns and commonalities, 

We are also so different and special. 

I think you are special. You will continue to be special. 

And so will I.

“They are an adult and have enough support

they will be fine without you.”

Both a relief and a worry

Having more help and allies is so nice. 

I am angry that they do not like you

The us vs them constantly fighting in our neurons

Everlasting

A human thing

I succumb to it too

But I try to break free

So their soothing words turn to daggers as I try to heal. 

Justifications and explanations spilling from my mouth

Truth and lies and excuses meld together. 

And I must write it down to parse it apart. 

Maybe, I worry if they think of you in this way, 

And I have the potential to, 

The people in your life think of me this way

And you do too. 

And that scares me.

I miss being us. 

I am scared of being “them” for you. 

My own pronoun a bullet in my mind

Striking the sensitive part that feels like a “them” already.

Collection: “Best Burned Thoughts: Branded in My Mind”

End Notes

Written a few weeks after my breakup, I was still torn up about it. However, I was also dealing with my feelings of being an adoptee and how delicately I balance between feeling like part of the in group vs alone.