I’m Lauren, 28, bi, and live in California.
Feedee/gainer/lover of stuffing/lover of bloating
I’m very happily married to my amazing husband and feeder, known as M.
I’m on YouTube, my channel is here.
I’m NOT currently making YouTube content, please stop asking if I am.
I’m also NOT making custom content. I’ll let people who when I am.
I’m not aware of my weight or measurements. I don’t have a goal weight.
I was previously on other social media platforms, but I’m not on them anymore. You can only find me here or on YouTube only.
it's been quite a little bit since i posted last time and under the cut is a super detailed update about life and things and etc and what's been going on and what's changing and what i've been doing since... february or so
in the middle of february i went through a very personal experience that was traumatic and not great at all. I took time off all social media (here and in my personal life) to heal, go to therapy about it and sort things out from there.
i did gain a little bit of weight from that but i also started to shift between eating a lot and not eating at all. nothing tasted good or i would choke it all back up or i would throw up. food either tasted good or not at all for a little bit until it did taste good again. i felt like in that span of not wanting to eat i lost that bit of weight that i did gain.
once food tasted good again i didn't stop eating. all i did was eat and eat and eat and eat and then eat some more. i wasn't eating to gain weight at that point and i was eating just to feel better about what i was going through. i stopped caring about waiting to sit at the table or on the couch and ate in front of the fridge or in the pantry or at the kitchen cupboards because food needed to be inside me and i had to be chewing.
i would get out of bed in the morning and immediately go into the kitchen to get all my boxes and bags of snacks and get to the couch and dig in all day. countless doordash orders and takeout bags collected and i ate all of it. i didn't care about making a mess and i didn't care about needing the bathroom. all i cared about was eating.
naturally... i gained a lot of weight... in a really short amount of time. my back was hurting a lot more than it normally did. my legs were in constant pain and my knees were in agony. i hated how i was feeling all the time because i didn't feel sexy or beautiful like i have felt when I did eat to gain weight. i didn't feel like i was the girl my husband married. i felt like this disgusting ugly fat obese slob who was literally eating her feelings.
one night m and i were talking about it when i was on the couch and he was rubbing my (very swollen) feet and i was telling him all about how i felt and he was telling me how he felt about the whole thing as well so we were able to talk about how we felt over the last couple months.
and i decided that i needed to lose weight.
it's been really hard and difficult but i'm doing it. i'm actually doing the damn thing.
m's version of a "man cave" is gym equipment so we've been doing gym nights a few times a week and i feel like it's starting to get a little bit better. right now it's mostly lifting some weights for my arms (my arms have gotten SO flabby) and either using the treadmill or going on small walks for getting steps in
treadmill has been the absolute worst. when i started it i was out of breath almost immediately and hated it. i ended up keeping at it and i'm still always out of breath and sweaty after i'm done with it or when we get back home from walks but i'm still doing it. m has been keeping track of how long i do walk and the lengths of time is (very) slowly getting higher.
and i've been eating a lot less as well. still eating but in way way less amounts and foods that are better for me and m says he can see a difference but i can't yet. i think he's looking more at my belly (1000% certifiably bigger) but i've been paying the most attention to my arms and thighs (which are also SO jiggly).
how much weight i want to lose is up in the air right now. i want to lose enough weight to where i do feel sexy and beautiful again and to where eating is fun and hot again. i want to do massive stuffings again. i want m to feed me until i'm a burping mess. i want to bloat up to where my belly feels like a saggy water balloon.
i want to feel like that confident fat girl i know i am. and i definitely want to eat myself into a food coma in vegas like i've done before
so however much weight i want to lose will be until i feel like that again.
i'm not leaving tumblr and i'll still be around to post some updates here and there until i decide to post proper content again. even though i haven't updated on here in a couple months i have been on here to read messages and browse people whose blogs i like.
just gonna be in my losing weight until i feel sexy again era.
since last time:
ate... a lot
turned 28
gained ~20 pounds (yes it's very noticeable)
also there was a deeply traumatic and personal thing that did happen to me recently. i've been away from social media to heal and work some things out when it comes to that. thank god for m and thank god for a good support system ❤️
i'm still taking time off social media but i wanted update on how things are.
What was it like traveling across the country for the first time in awhile?
can't lie it was rough 😩
my legs were really hurting that day so i either needed a wheelchair or one of those airport passenger cart things
i felt so swollen from the flying when we got home and i'm glad that we've been home now and it won't be happening anytime soon. it's good to know that the next time we ever do end up flying for a long time we'll know what to do
not excited to fly all the way across the country to get home tomorrow 😓
normally all the flights i've taken have been nonstop but this time there's a connecting flight both ways. air travel is so exhausting for me at this point and all it does is make my body swell even more 😮💨
just grateful that the longer flight back home has *slightly* bigger seats because i WILL have to adjust my seatbelt extender...
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