Last night I was the only woman performing at a bar show in Los Angeles. I went up last, and I closed out my set on a bit about the false notion that women don’t like casual sex as much as men do. In the bit, I describe the dangers that women face when going out at night as proof that we are in fact more D.T.F. than men. “We’re risking our lives for it, on a regular basis!” The female portion of the audience appreciated this notion especially, based on my observation at the time (Ladies lovin’ that casual sex is not a controversial notion to get behind in stand-up comedy). I left the stage and the host returned, said my name, followed by the statement “…she’s D.T.F!” The audience recoiled at this moment, and I returned to the stage, took the mic back and said “That’s… not what I said.” I was very angry, and I am still angry, which is probably why I’m taking time out of my Saturday to write this post even though the internet has almost certainly reached critical mass of women-in-comedy/ sexism-in-comedy discourse.
Let me explain why I’m angry, and why the audience reaction to the host’s statement was so palpable and visceral (it was basically a giant, spontaneous groan-boo). First off, he clearly didn’t listen to my joke, he just overheard me speaking the acronym “D.T.F.” and, maybe based on some assumptions about me based on my gender or appearance or both, decided to declare joyously that I, Alice Wetterlund was D.T.F! Audiences generally react poorly when comedians attempt to reference the material of other comedians without knowing what that material was. Even the dumbest audience will recoil if a comedian tries to riff off the premise of another comedian’s joke and gets it wrong. It’s like presenting a book report on Moby Dick and then talking about Moby.
I think the host did this because I’m a woman. I say this because it’s happened to me before on multiple occasions that I’ve talked about something sexual in a joke and the male host took that out of context and said I wanted that sexual thing done to me (the worst occasion being when I had a rape joke in my set and you can guess what he said I wanted). It hasn’t happened in years, but it used to be kind of a thing a while back and if I remember correctly, audiences of yore didn’t react as vehemently. Progress! So, I think my anger was partially rooted in the shock of being taken back to that terrible place of being objectified right after I had performed. If you’re a male comedian reading this and you don’t think it’s so terrible to be objectified because of your gender on a comedy show, that’s because it’s never happened to you. Let me assure you that it is very demoralizing. When you perform stand-up, you are very vulnerable. At least I am and I think the comedians I revere allow themselves to be, because the material you are working with in stand up is always your own ideas directly communicated to the audience. If they don’t like you, it really is personal, in that sense. So when you get off stage, and someone gets up right after and makes a statement about you that you’re Down To Fuck, that makes the audience you just spoke to think about you as sex object. Not a person, not a comedian, but a female who likes to get things done to her. Think about that. An entire room of people who just listened to you and acknowledged your humanity by being entertained by your ideas now is forced to see you as a thing. This is a wholly different vulnerability that is not your choice, but the choice made by a man that he gets to make because you are a woman.
I realize that the host of this particular show didn’t mean to make me feel terrible or make the audience go through that kind of weirdness. After the show he ran up to me to make amends, and I was not forgiving or nice to him about it, but he still listened to everything I had to say and wanted to make me feel welcome again. I would like to credit him for that. I’ve encountered many male comics who would dismiss me and dismiss the audience reaction as uptight without a hitch. But I cynically feel that any notoriety I’ve gained is what makes people want to be in my good graces, since that’s just sort of the way hollywood works. I think if I were an unknown comic with no credits, even if I killed, I would not have warranted an apology. I hope I am wrong about this. Still, I told him what I will say now to any male comedians who are curious about how to be a good dude to women comedians and who want to be accountable for progress (if only to appear more fuckworthy to the scant but growing number of female comedians in the dating pool. I think that’s a fine reason to be an advocate): Do not say anything sexual about women comedians. Don’t even mention that they are female. When you bring them up, say “This next comic” instead of “This next lady” and when they are done, say “Give it up for” whatever their name is or just say their name and move on. If you want to reference their set, make sure you listen to it. Basically, follow all the rules of bringing up a male comic, unless you gender everyone you bring up.
The reason you do this is so that women in your audience will want to go to comedy shows more often, and funny women will want to get into comedy because they will see that comedy is a world where women can be people and not objects. I was talking last weekend to a girl at a party who said she wanted to try stand up but she never did because it was too “creepy.” She didn’t mean spooky or haunted or crawling with spiders, guys. She meant that the world of comedy is full of creeps who think its okay to talk about women as though they are D.T.F.
Lastly, I would like to say that I am totally D.T.F., and here’s what that means to me: I like to have sex with people of my choosing, and I think it should be okay for me to say that without soliciting unwanted attention or violence against me. That is not what the presumed meaning is when a man, especially one who doesn’t know me personally, says I’m D.T.F., because of the social context we still unfortunately live in.
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