It's just. I've tried so hard to prove myself wrong, that I am capable, I am worth taking the air, spent six years outrunning the feeling that I'm going to be nobody— and I am. After all of this, after graduating two universities with honors, I'm doing deliveries because these """achievements""" don't mean shit. I proved nothing. In fact, I proved my 17 years old self absolutely right. And, like, I got through the initial overwhelming feeling of trying to get the second degree. I wanted to take an academic year off, without de-enrolling, because I couldn't, I just couldn't deal with it, and dad yelled at me for this, so I sucked it up, clenched my teeth and lived through it. And, like, after the new year, I found myself lighter, and maybe seeing the purpose of it, and some ideas, and wow, going to exhibitions with classes is fun, and maybe we'll be having more practices— boom. 2020 lockdown.
And I couldn't just quarantine. I lied to the university, because they demanded full quarantining, but I couldn't do that, I worked deliveries all over the city. And every day, we had news channel on, with the death toll set to the worst apocalyptic-ass, anxiety-inducing music ever. It did incude anxiety. Because if I got sick despite all protections and vaccination, I'd bury my entire family. I knew that. Every time I went outside, I thought about having to bury my parents if I caught it. I still don't deal well with catching a cold.
It did let up a little, after I graduated masters, relaxed a little and got helpful at dad's store, found a fandom, it got easier to breathe, and I've got concert tickets, waiting for the restrictions to be lifted, and worked on personal projects for portfolio, thinking I could actually get into international teams, and then war happened. And I feel like, sometimes, it's a repeat of the same day for last four years.
Shit got worse. Certain things doubled down. Propaganda. The people are dying. AI fucked up the artist field of work. Half of the social media that wasn't banned before got banned. The people are dying. Inflation. The international connections are fucked. The people are dying. AI became a requirement for many design related job. We're losing income because marketplaces offer cheaper plastic models. The people are dying. AI is everywhere and mom is showing me AI generated funny videos. They're not funny. The summers are 40°C. The people are dying. The white lists are implemented. Tumblr is the only international social media I can access. Everything else is banned. White lists don't have our website so in case of shit going down we can't even work. None of the messengers work except the mandatory fsb-seethrough one. Oh by the way even this one doesn't work properly. AI took fanfiction. The people are dying. There's no future. Every day I'm losing reasons to keep existing and gaining reasons to stop this waste of breath. The people are dying. I used to hope I won't be a part of the daily death toll of covid and now I hope I won't survive past next year. I think I heard a drone get exploded, and it's expected because I was born in a country led by a warmongering senile monster and couldn't just drop everything and leave. Actually, I may leave. My parents think about leaving the country. But it requires money and we ain't got shit because our store gets half the income it used to because of marketplaces. And mom may lose job at any given moment. She's 55 and she doesn't have high education, so she won't find a job. I am 29 and have two degrees, but i have no experience and a gap of five years, so I also won't find a job. It's a perfect time to mindlessly give birth, all government support is for young mothers, but I'm not young anymore, I'm painfully single, and there's probably no chance I'll get anyone in my lifetime. Because I proved myself I have no worth as a human being, despite trying hard to prove it wrong.
