In These Rooms

a journey of sobriety in modern 'merica

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'Twas a @communityforklift kinda day @chrisjonessbd #upcycle #recycle #achitecture #furniture #communityforklift #chriscarla #skinnybutdope #sweet16 (at Community Forklift - Nonprofit Thrift Store For Home Improvement)

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Ok. Way to many days.. Heh.

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How To Live Now?

I am so aware of all that I'm thinking, feeling, over analyzing. I've been a week without a meeting. I almost did not go on my trip due to this disease and I realize that would have been a mistake. Traveling really shook me up and gave me a new perspective on things. I realize how frightened I am of everything. My age, my future, my job, my creativity, my soul, just everything. Part of me wonders what it's all about and if it's worth it. All the things I thought I'd have at this point of my life have left me feeling somewhat empty. I have missed so much over the last 15 years. How will I change to make this different moving forward.

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Been A While

Today I was 60 days sober. So busy with work and all the clutter of my head zooming by at a million miles an hour that I forgot.

Stuck in an airport in Anchorage Alaska all day. I avoided the bars which would normally be a past go to.

I did learn something about myself today and over this trip. That I miss the smallest things. That if I just looked over to my left or my right I would remember to check in.

I was so stupid to not report into my manager each day. I was stupid not to take more initiative. What is wrong with me? Should I not be more clear headed in these decisions?

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Holy Shit

Today I am 50 days sober. I am really glad to be standing in this half of the yard. Sometimes the grass IS greener on the other side.

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So Sad

I'm just so sad, lonely, and lost. There is not too much that makes me happy right now. I can't work a program so it's not working for me. I was tempted to drink last night. I miss my ex but I don't know why. Sometimes I feel like I could just curl up and go away and no one will care. Maybe I can try again tomorrow.

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Just Another Tuesday

Naw. Not really. Lots of connect the dots in my head. On dot leading to another and then another of things that I keep questioning and hating and falling in and out of love with. Falling in and out of love with myself. Pure hate that doesn't drive me to drink is new. Emotions that are not necessarily tempting me but just making me crazy. I spoke for the first time in an official meeting today. I was nervous and my voice shook and was tight when I spoke. Know idea if anything at all made sense. I tried to be articulate. I was at least proud of myself. I also talked to the little man today. That will be an entry all it's own.

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Tonight I has the opportunity to throw myself at the mercy of the ex and I could not bring myself to do it. I feel horrible about the method in which we split, but I can't love someone with a demon that I must beat. At one point we were so In love I just wonder what happened.

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No Days Off

Today I realized yet again that I have to dive into these steps so that I can start to cope. I think I'm living in denial of a lot of things, and one of them is claiming a higher power. I am just so lost about the whole thing. And it felt like I could go out so easy tonight. I felt like I wanted to take a day off today. That is no good. There is no 'breaks' on sobriety. No time down for good behavior. I need to find some way to create some peace inside me.

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Grateful day 32

For sobriety and not taking a drink For my big fat white car for getting stuff home from work For Loann and his caring for kids For the fresh salad I head for dinner For another AA member who was there to share dinner

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Bad Habits Die Hard

Today was the first day that I actually needed to get to a meeting. So glad it was there.

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30 Days

I guess I never thought I'd ever see what it was like to be me sober let alone a full 30 days of no drinking. I think about how long that I had actually gone on now and it's been a solid 10 years minus a few places and times here and there that I decided to cut back or have a dry period. I told a friend tonight that I had two choices only - either stop drinking or die. Might as well take a pistol to my head with just two chambers and one bullet. I have a 50/50 chance of survival the rest of my life. I am a product of the rooms and a slave to my disease as long as I live. Nothing was more clear to me at this milestone though than the place I was then and the place I am now and I now that I don't want what was back there anymore. I wish I could hold onto this feeling forever cause I'm going to need it. I admit my powerlessness over alcohol per step one and it's time now to get serious about giving myself some tools to work with to cope with what all that is going to come. I am flooded with so many thoughts and emotions at this mile stone. One day at a time. One day at a time.

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Dot Bleep

Had to take the X his mail today. Total affirmation that I made the right decision. Couldn’t stand the smell and slur of drunk. Repulsed into sobriety.

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Crazy Eyes

Everyday gets easier and what’s crazy is the moments that last hours that get harder. Tonight was not an exception.

Feeling melancholy after leaving work I caught my ex across the street from my office. He must be freelancing at his own haunt.

How quickly I went from sober superstar to dazed and confused. I felt the overpowering urge to run back to him and call this whole AA thing a farce.

But I kept walking. Walking with a purpose to the meeting I was trying to make up at the circle. I knew that if I could just get inside those four walls I might have a chance to curb my overwhelming feelings.

I sat down and put my nose into the book and followed along. I fought back the urge to cry and and just listened to every other struggling soul. At least that provided a lick of comfort.

Lonely and crawling out of my skin, I called a lifeline and felt sorry for myself. Just finished some sushi and have slightly come to my senses. For now.

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Drunk Dreaming

So yesterday was quite an ordeal. Work decided to have our summer offsite which consisted of a day of building boats, eating crabs, and an open bar on the Chesapeake Bay. I went into the situation with the mentality of an old timer knowing damn well that was a bad move in early sobriety. I had en escape plan all worked out - my buddy and I drove in together knowing he had to leave early for a date which meant we'd be out of there in no time. A boat build and a regatta race later, I had no interest in the bar and had a pretty good afternoon. I was anxious to get out of there, but mostly cause my back did not have my back anymore. Everything was great until I had a drink. I had fallen off the wagon and decided I would just enjoy it and go for broke to get drunk. Thank god I woke up and realized it was just a dream. Well, all was real minus this last paragraph which happened in my REM sleep early this morning. It was a Herat reminder of what I don't want, and the fact that I have zero control over my friend alcohol.

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Basket Case

Today was hard. Really hard. And it wasn’t cause I wanted a drink. It’s because I am sober and I suddenly am forced to feel and deal.

I’m walking through all these activities that I use to do drunk. Wash my clothes, need a drink for that. Go grocery shopping, need a drink for that too. Cook some food, I got this…on ice.

How does the world function the way it does? How do I fit into this new way of exsistance?

I’m overwhelmed by thought of step work and adding yet another task to my load.

I’ve decided I need time and what’s best for me now is not adding more spinning plates.

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Tacos

Yeah, who would think that the decision to eat tacos could be so complicated. Somehow I could not make up my mind because my sober brain can't take an overwhelming task. But it's actually not the food I'm pissed at. I'm mad at AA and the fact that I'm suppose to suddenly surrender my entire life to a program that wants me to play by its rules. And tonight the rules say I can't go by a bar and wish a long time friend happy birthday. Yeah, I get it. I know that I'm in early sobriety and I have yet to complete the first step. To admit that I am powerless over alcohols and to resist temptation. I should not be mad at a sponsor who's pissed at me for even thinking of going. Fuck you tacos - fuck you and your hard corn shells.