Who is "me"?

Here is my place, it can be your place too, if you want. All i want to do is talk and hopefully if i talk long enough i will be able to make sense of all of the chatter in my head.

[inthevail]

Empty

Do you know what is feels like to be empty. sometimes i feel like there is nothing in the world for me. i want more than anything for it to be over. for a car to hit me or for me to get cancer or anything that would mean i can die and be free. i don't know why people who want to live so badly have to die when all i want to do is go to sleep and never wake up and i an healthy and have a good enough life. i get food, education, i'm not bullied, or beaten, but i still complain. i don't want to continue this. it is pointless. there is nothing for me here. i just want the peace that comes with not having to deal with any questions. i don't know why people are afraid of dying. on the off chance that there is a god then we will go to a better place if not then it don't mater because it will be like sleeping but without having to wake up and go to school. with having said all of that i could not, at least at this time, take my own life. i guess i have some inkling of hope that things can get better. the only problem is they aren't bad i'm just... empty. i feel even worse when saying this because i am so lucky to be born as i am and not as someone else but i cant breath. i recently, as in 30 minutes ago, decided to really look up depression and see if i am depressed or not. i took a few online tests and the sad thing is some of the questions were,"have you stopped liking things you used to like" and "when was the last time you were happy" and i cant answer the questions because... i cant remember when i didn't feel helpless and empty and tiered. i'm so young but i have felt this way for so long it is normal. that this weight on my chest is normal and i only  notice it when i am alone and i am not putting up the facade i have on when around other people. i crave human company because that is the only thing that lifts the weight a little but there is no one for me to be with. i mean i'm 14. everyone only says "oh, your just pathetic, your too young to need a girlfriend stop acting stupid." but i want a girlfriend so i can have someone to hold when i heel like i am about to suffocate. i can't stand the tears and the pressure and the future because all i see and all i feel is black nothingness. cold and empty and suffocating. why cant i be like everyone wants me to be. happy and social. going to football games and parties. all i want is to breath. i can't stop shaking. 

[inthevail]

When a door closes

When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one that has opened for us. - Alexander Graham Bell this is immensely true. and at the same time false. no door ever closes, nothing is ever locked. you just have to find a way through the obstetrical that block your path. the second part, saying that a door will always open also has holes. a door may not open right way, it may take time or never open at all. this is why there are windows... and sledge hammers. if you want something you can't wait polite for someone to open a door for you. you need to pick up that hammer and bust the door down or make a door. things in life are never simply black and wight. you have to find the gray and use it to your advantage. obstetrical are in front of every dream you have. they will appear out of nowhere and punch you in the face, make you stumble and fall, but YOU have to learn how to get up and continue toward you dreams. how to fight the obstetrical and punch them and make them fall down. life is full of twists and turns. unexpected tragedies and magical mysteries that make your life 100 times better. things come and go and you have to decide for yourself what is worth fighting for and what is dragging you back from your dreams. life is full of experiences, all you have to do is go find them 

[inthevail]

How to live

There are many saying, Acuna Matata, You Only Live Once, these and man other all say the same thing. don't worry, because nothing maters because one day you wont be here to worry about them anymore. this may seem grim and in some ways it is, but at the same time it isn't. this isn't meant to make you feel bad or scared or to make you give up hope. there is always hope. hope exists in every breath you take. in every chose you make. this is the hope humans need. not hope from a nonexistent god hope in your ability to do what you want with your one life. it does not matter what ANYONE says or does because they are not you and your life is all that matters. you have to search for your self for the answers to your own questions. never take what anyone else says as truth. find your own truths and fight for your own happiness. you are the most important thing and this is your world. don't waste you one chance at life on anyone else, on their happiness and their wants. that is how you go crazy. there is no way to make everyone happy. everyone is responsible for their own happiness so don't ever cry over someone who makes you sad or mad. surround yourself with people who are good for you and good to you because when the day that you die finally comes you NEED to be able to say that YOU are happy. That is all you need. 

[inthevail]

The hardest thing

The amount of times i cry to myself is unreasonable, and at the same time complacently ethical. when you say that there is no God in any seance of he word, you have giving up on anything after this life. and with that you have given up on hope. being atheist is one of the hardest things you can ever do, while being a member of any religion is the easiest. religion is an out. it is a way to say that you are not going to die, that all you have done is not in vain, that everything you dream of and can never get while alive you will some how receive when you die and go to heaven just because you believed in it. religion is for the sheep, as the bible say. it is for the inherent and the blind. people who have so little faith in there own sanity that they must convince themselves that when they die they will be born into a better place. it is for people who want a way to control the masses and make it so their wants are forced on others. with no thought, just blind faith billions of people fallow priests and preaches and popes like sheep flowing a shepherd blindly. they get striped of their fur, their cloths, their protection over and over, are made vulnerable. then they are slaughtered and used as fuel for the shepherd to continue hurdling the inherent flock. why is this what so many do not see. all they see is a light at the end of a tunnel. that light that does not exist.