Things My Dad Says

A collection of the random, often nonsensical things my dad says on a regular basis. My sister and I text them back and forth and I thought I should share them with the world. 

[inthewordsofmyfather]

finding a wrinkle in time on Netflix

Tessaract... is the tessaract a dinosaur?

[inthewordsofmyfather]

upon finding out that none of us like beets

*sighing and looking down at his jar of pickled beets*

I think the only reason beets are on this earth is so you can tell when you’re getting old.

[inthewordsofmyfather]

On owning a truck

The benefit is, if anyone upsets you you can just drive over them

[inthewordsofmyfather]

Teaching my sister to drive

Sooner or later it will happen, you’ll get into a situation where you have to drive over someone’s foot

[inthewordsofmyfather]

don’t know the context but I just heard this from the other room

“You’re not married to Costco Anita”

[inthewordsofmyfather]

my sister made some brownies and for whatever reason they were really gross and nobody knew how to handle it

Yeah man, it’s weird if someone wanted to lose weight you could just make them those brownies and they wouldn’t eat them.

[inthewordsofmyfather]

Watching the Greatest Showman for the first time and Rewrite the Stars comes on

Mom: Why don’t you dance with me like that?

Dad: We don’t have the right ropes

[inthewordsofmyfather]

we were watching the news and there was a police officer with really dark sunglasses talking

Can you imagine being pulled over by him?

You wouldn't stand a chance.

You can't even look into his eyes and beg for mercy... ol robocop

[inthewordsofmyfather]

After seeing the commercial for Pizza Hut’s new shoes

Sharon I need you to write a letter to the pizza place and tell them how upset we are about what they did to the shoes.

[inthewordsofmyfather]

Mag Melon vs Cantelope

Yeah I don’t know if I like the mag melon as much

It’s like it was crossed with a fish

[inthewordsofmyfather]

trying to name a new hors d’oeuvre

*tortilla chip with bacon bits and hot sauce on it*

Ooh what am I going to name this, let’s see....

Pig in a corn maze from hell

Pig from hell

Ummm pig on fire

[inthewordsofmyfather]

Dad vs. Technology

Dad: Call Kaliesescope

Siri: Who would you like to call?

Dad: Who do you think you stupid machine

[inthewordsofmyfather]

One of your mother’s greatest heartaches growing up was losing stuff that mattered to her.

[inthewordsofmyfather]

This cup holder is against apple removal.

[inthewordsofmyfather]

making stir fry

We don’t need a TON of meat beings that we’re vegan.

[inthewordsofmyfather]

why even biodegradable littering should not be allowed

‘Cause then everyone would be like “oh yeah” chucking full heads of cabbage out the window.

[inthewordsofmyfather]

A falbert is temporary but a lotard is a long term thing.