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Kind people who are genuinely happy to do things with me are the new sexy

An INTJ's Life - NT Valentines

To INTJ from INTP

INTP also made a card for the other INTJ saying "We're all insects crawling on the face of the heart but you're a pretty nice insect. Happy Valentine's Day"

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Hey, your blog is really helpful, but I think I need some advice. I'm pretty sure I am an INTJ. I have taken multiple tests and also gotten into the functions, although I don't really like this 'unemotional-robot'-shit. It just depends on how far an INTJ has come development wise. But: my 'obsession' with self-optimization is toxic. Paired with Ni my head becomes a mess everytime I talk to someone I can't be completely myself with. (1/3) (sorry i messaged this first by accident)

I'm always trying not to repeat bad situations and to better myself. I have so many bad experiences where either someone told me that I'm weird or something or I just really regret saying or showing something of myself that people might not have liked. I over-analyze everything the other person says. In my childhood I was kinda mean and insensitive and I'm afraid of making these mistakes again. (2/3)

But these insecurities only apply to my looks (eating disorders etc) and to my social life. Meanwhile I'm very, very confident (sometimes arrogant, but I think most INTJs have a bit of a superiority complex) about my intelligence and abilities. I know I can do almost anything, but my other insecurities just weigh me down so much. Any advice? (3/3)

Self-improvement, Morals, and Insecurities

Hey there! I think your self-description mentions many things that INTJs would feel relatable - and nobody like the robot stuff. Hm not true, maybe some do. But it comes more from the “catchy” side of MBTI than the “actually useful for self-growth” side.

I’m thinking of what kind of advise I could give you. I think self-optimization by itself is not a bad thing, and it’s a really common trait in INTJs, so you’re not alone. The thing is, it’s also important to learn when to stop. And you heard right, that also is something that you learn with time, by attuning yourself to how you feel. I can make up a dumb example for this, let’s say you were reading about how to paint succulents, when you start feeling thirsty. And since you were focused on reading, you probably feel thirsty when you’re really thirsty. But the water is far, and you’re in focus mode, so you don't get up and keep working. Minutes pass and you start feeling an headache. “Why is that”, you think, not really understanding. You stop working because you don't feel so good. And then you remember the last time you had water was something like 10 hours before.

This is an example of why sometimes doing something that might seem not productive or out of the plan is actually better in the long run. And I wish the water example wasn’t real-life based but it is. I guess the bottom line would be, in the process of you becoming the better version of yourself, don’t forget to take care of your needs. They can be physical, emotional, or even just “taking a break from your own mind” needs. And they matter.

When you say you don't want to repeat your mistakes by being mean to other people again, I think you’re making an important point that often gets ignored when talking about INTJs: the effort that some INTJs make to be good people. Not all INTJs feel like this (or pretend not to feel like this), but I’m glad that we’re on the same side on this.

In general, I have found that insecurities can be tackled two ways. Let’s say that insecurities are things that you wish to change about yourself. There would be things you can change, and things that are out of your power. For the things you can change, I think it’s good to take baby steps to become every day a little less insecure and fostering change. Nothing dramatic, just a little bit at a time - INTJs are the best in the long game anyway. One of my life mottos is “you must do the things you think you cannot do”, meaning that you should always strive to challenge yourself with the things that seem a little out of your reach but that you really wish to do. You’d be surprised by the things you can manage to achieve. For the things you can’t change because they depend on what other people do or think about you, or on things that just happen and are out of your control, acknowledging and letting go is crucial. Don’t ever let things you can’t act on weight you down. They can make you suffer, but that’s about as far as their powers should go. The emotions you feel are precious and should be listened to and felt, but after that it’s time to let them go.

I hope this helps. All the best, xx

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Lazy-sexual:

Feels attraction towards people but is too lazy to do anything about it

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Intj here, I don't feel remorse. I get what I call guilt in a "oh shit I shouldn't have done that whoops" but there's no 'sorry' no need to "make it up" or "better" is this common among INTJs or is this just me

It’s a tricky question. For what causes remorse to most people, and by that I mean being a little harsh or too sarcastic, I’d say I don’t feel remorse either. I might get what you call guilt too, but still believe in what I had said.

For more important things, like lying to loved ones, I do feel remorse. I might still think rationally that’s what’s best to be done, but then there’s my Fi kicking in. I guess that depends on how much it is developed.

Other INTJs out there, do you feel remorse?

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I have a question? So my friend is studing psychology and personalities and I've identified as an INTJ for the past 3 years. Although she seems to think I'm an ISFJ because I seem more "warm" and "welcoming" than is normal for INTJ since she is one.

The ask continues as follows: ‘Is it because I’m kinda friendly? I can see where she is coming from but I don’t agree.’

No offense for your friend, but studying psychology doesn’t mean you’re good at analyzing people. Especially because, if she had studied MBTI well enough she would know she had to argue her point with supporting facts derived from the analysis of your functions, thing that she apparently didn’t do. (And if she’s an INTJ, that is sooo weird of her.)

As I said before, these personality types are all about how one’s mind work. Only the owner of the mind can know exactly what’s going on inside, if you know what I mean. Others can observe, make suppositions, ask questions, but never, never really get the idea of what’s inside someone else’s head.

So understanding if you’re an INTJ or not is up to you. You have to be sincere with yourself enough to answer truthfully to all the questions of the test and portray who you actually are, not who you wish to be.

That said, INTJs question things continuously, so it’s perfectly normal to wake up one day and ask ourselves “what if I’ve been wrong all this time and I’m actually not an INTJ? Let’s check it all over again”, which is apparently what you’re doing.

Regardless of types every person is different. Personally, being warm with people is not something that comes natural to me, although I’m probably a more enthusiastic and well-disposed person than the average INTJ. I’ve worked hard to be more empathetic because I knew I needed to do it if I really wanted to help and become closer to people. I’m giving you this example to tell you that my behavior in itself says little of me being an INTJ, on the other hand my motives and modus operandi are more coherent with my type. So always ask yourself why you’re doing something - there often lies your answer.

On the other hand, if being empathetic comes natural to you but you also feel like a Ni-dom, you should consider the possibility of being an INFJ (possibly with an unordinary developed Ti due to a loop).