feels/in my head

[intothevertigo]

Things Change

Things were so easy. It was like everything was meant to be. It was like I was going in the right direction regardless of caring about where I was going. We were so in sync. Always on the same page. Then suddenly, poof! You’re not here anymore. You’re somewhere else, I’m trying to catch up. Eventually, I’m not even sure its the same book. Seems like you’re watching a movie and I’m playing a game. Things change too fast sometimes..I think sometimes the baton is in our hands to decide whether the change is justified. Don’t rush. Make a wise decision.

[intothevertigo]

Dream of You, the sequel

Last night, I dreamt of you again. The details are very hazy and I can’t really remember much of it. All I remember is suddenly checking my phone and seeing messages from you. I have no idea what the conversation was about. Maybe something about you just thinking of me. The next thing I remember is receiving a couple of photos from you. I looked through them but I can remember a single detail. I didn’t want that dream to end, even though I couldn’t make much context out of the events in the dream. Another weird thing is, my iPhone was on iOS 6..which is primitive. 

I don’t know what this means, or if theres any meaning at all. Maybe you’re really thinking of me? I sure hope so..Or maybe its just me being delusional. If life has no inherent meaning, are dreams meaningless too? Or do dreams inherit meaning from the purpose which we decide upon to give meaning to our lives? I’m not quite sure.Either way, you’re still on my mind and I can’t get you out. Why does it have to be so hard? I know the dangers of attachment and I barely get attached to anything, but here you are, stuck permanently to my heart eating it away like cancer. I hope I can find a cure..

[intothevertigo]

Just another girl

I have so many reasons to believe you’re just another girl. In fact, that’s what I should be thinking if I want to survive and move on. Yes. Survive. You’re killing me, babe. When the version of you that’s in my head is so different from the real you, it kills the crap out of me. The reason I can’t think of you as another girl, is because of your timing. The night we became a thing, when I came back home cuz I wasn’t feeling right, I was experiencing some next level sadness. I made the perfect excuse by saying I’ll be waiting for my friends to arrive. 

My relationship with my family was sour. I had no idea what I wanted to do with life. I wasn’t making money, and there I was partying with friends, doing drugs and chasing you..kindof. Chasing you in a very shy way lol. Anyways, I didn’t want to live any longer, since I had nothing to offer to this world, and taking anything more felt like a crime. I came back and sat down on the floor, with all the lights off. To calm myself down, I decided to meditate.

My mind was out of my control. I guess the drugs were partly to blame. The guilt of wasting another breath was killing me inside, but I couldn’t possibly end things at that moment. I didn’t want to traumatize my friends forever. The memory I leave behind in people is more real than what I will remember of this experience. I took a few deep breaths and tried to reach some inner stability. When my mind started to quiet down, I could start hearing some sort of static in the background. To drown the voices even more, I focused on that sound until I couldn’t feel my body anymore. When I felt that connection, I could only think of asking one thing, “Give me a reason to live”. I repeated that until I finally heard my phone ring. My friends M and M had arrived. I put a half smile on my face, and head over to the bar down to road to join you guys. The whole time I was wondering what you’d be thinking about me, for pulling all this drama.

Finally, when I saw you guys, it seemed like you guys were happy to see me and quite worried actually. I was still a little out of tune, trying my best to synchronize with the real world, smile and talk like a normal person. Before I could think much, you wanted to go for a smoke with me. The rest of this story, you already know. In summary, you gave me a reason to live.

I’m smiling as I type this. That’s the level of impact this day had on me. You saved my life by showing me that there is infinite love within for me to share with the world. I’m not sure if I would be sitting here writing this if it wasn’t for you. I’d die before my twenty x-th birthday. That’s the reason why its so hard for me to think of you as just another girl. Because you’re not. You’re a fucking goddess or an angel or something. Thanks for saving my life. You’re the best. O shit! I should be forgetting you!

[intothevertigo]

Withdrawal Symptoms

I never thought this was going to be easy. Getting you out of my head is similar to getting an amazing LSD spiritual experience out of my head. You remember the way I saw you, like some sort of a divine..something. I still think of you that way and you’re too deep within my conscious//subconscious. Every chance I get, I end up trying to check out what you’re up to..what song you’re listening to. Does is remind you of me? Are you thinking about me? To be honest, I know its a no. Somehow, I can tell it doesn’t make a goddamn difference to you. Yet, a small part of me believes the contrary. I have no reason to fall for those thoughts, so I’m trying to do myself a favour and get you out of my mind. Its pointless to think about you. Like..I’m being so pathetic, its unbelievable. I just google searched your name a few minutes ago. Top 10 stupidest things I’ve done this year. Exposing myself, even though its anonymous, feels great. I hope I can look at this soon and wonder what the fuck I was thinking when I was writing it. 

[intothevertigo]

My greatest hit

If my life was a collection of songs, you’d be my greatest hit.  But like all great songs, this one also seems to have an end. Now my life is like a broken record, and the ending of your song is on repeat.  You’re the only one who can fix it, but I was just another song to you Just a regular song, perhaps longer than average hitting you on a deeper level than usual. Maybe I was a bit ahead of time?  Cuz baby, I know no one can love you like I do I know someday you’ll realize how good our song was And maybe you’ll want to hear it again. You just didn’t realize how good it was. 

You always screw up when your ego does your thinking. I have to admit, I wasn’t in the greatest shape mentally. I was not sure about anything in my life. I was not sure about my place in this universe. I had no idea what I wanted to do on this planet. Only thing I knew was that I had to make you mine, but I had no idea how to. In a way, I feel lucky to have ever experienced love in such a high dose. I couldn’t conceive this level of love in my imagination. I guess its part of this infinite universe we play our parts in. So thank you..for showing me what love is, and for showing me what pain is. Its as real as you can imagine.

[intothevertigo]

[intothevertigo]

Vertigos

Writing seems to be more fun than I thought it would be. Thoughts are better when they take some form in reality. Writing is like a mirror that reflects your soul..kindof//sortof..depends on who is writing, you or your ego. I guess its brutal honestly that returns a clearer reflection and shatters the ego. Watch your thoughts. Sometimes your mind just takes you on a trip and you just watch the scenery like a helpless passenger who has no opinion about the destination of the trip. The goal is to be the driver. I try my best, but sometimes I’m a hostage tied up in the trunk. Fucking human limitations. I can’t wait to free myself from all this and be truly liberated. I can’t wait to stop thinking about the beautiful girl who’s wasting my life. I can’t wait to look at life and only see possibilities. Unfortunately, I’ve only been seeing dead ends lately..but those days are coming to an end, right? Right?? Answer me! Oh God..this loneliness...

[intothevertigo]

Strung Out

by Ruby Empress

[intothevertigo]

Stupid dreams

To AA,

Two nights ago, I had a dream about you. It was an interesting dream and I really didn’t know what to make of it. I tried to tell you about the dream yesterday but you just had to pull one of your bitch moves on me. I fucking hate it when you say the most wrong things at the worst time. Oh well, thank god for blogs and anonymity. So here goes,

I was waiting in what looked like a library. It was just like those weldon days where the library was just a place for us to hang out..well, at least for me. I looked across the hall at what looked like a room full of private study/meeting rooms with a waiting room. You went inside the room with some guy. I came to the realization that we were in the same state as we are in real life, not together and I’m still crazy in love with you. Me, being the stalker I am, decided to peek inside the room. You guys were waiting outside and seemed to be enjoying a conversation. “Good for you”, I thought as I was watching you and contemplating how life moves on and changes without your permission. When I zoned back in, I saw him hold you and peck you on your lips. I felt a sharp pain in my chest around where my heart is supposed to be. This is it. I need to move forward. My consciousness fractured..as usual. Something that always happens to me when my situation feels out of control. I decided to keep looking inside and suddenly, I realized that guy was sexually assaulting you. I felt a rush of adrenaline and started trying to knock the door down. Shouting for help, I managed to get inside and got a hold of the guy. The next few moments consisted of beating the crap out the guy. I always wanted to do that..beat the crap out of a scumbag who was doing something wrong. Anyways..I turned around and saw you standing there. I could tell you were feeling traumatized and grateful at the same time. As I was walking over to you and saw your love for me in your face, I started being lucid in the dream. Suddenly, I was aware of what was dream and what was reality. That didn’t keep me from getting hypnotized by your beautiful face looking at me with all the love I could ever wish for. For a few moments, I felt the way we felt on the streets of Montreal..drunk on love, making out on the streets, walking with the cold wind against our faces but the only thing that mattered was you and me. At that point, I felt my consciousness being pulled from the dream back to reality. I could’ve just stayed there forever but that’s just not how things work. 

I have no idea what this super corny dream means. The fool version of me decided to look up what dreams mean on the google. Dreaming of an ex means something like ‘I am trying hard to preserve the friendship’ or something. Dreaming of saving someone from sexual assault is a sign of positive energy in my life. Whatever it is, I think you’re to deep in my subconscious. I have a habit of thinking about you all the time and its starting to get painful knowing that I’ll not get anything back. Yeah I believe love should always be unconditional, but I’m thousands of miles away from you and your heart. Its sad how love like this has to die. Its like the ending of a song that you don’t want to ever end. Our love was not ordinary..and I don’t know why you treated it like it was. Another possibility is that I was delusional the whole time. Either way, I wonder what this fate thing has for me. I hope its good for both of us. You left a hole in my heart and I’m gonna treat it like a monument for human sadness. 

Yours truly, Unfortunately..

[intothevertigo]

First Post

This is my first time ever blogging, so here goes. Lately, I have had a lot of thoughts regarding a lot of things. Most of them leading to things I don’t understand and things I want to say to someone but can’t say it. That is what led me to start writing them down..so, this will be a blog about things that don’t make sense and words that may never reach the person they’re intended for.